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Just Found Out Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: Telling the other woman's husband
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Default  Posted: 12:02 AM, May 12th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I tried to call again. My number has now been blocked. Its obvious that the call coming in is from me because she knows no one else in this area. They live a thousand miles away.

I lost it with my husband. I went crazy. I am so angry that he thinks that it is okay to keep a lie. He wants to move on and said that they have to move on. Its not our business. I told him he dragged me into this without my permission. I feel that I have to let the guy know. Its driving me crazy. I told him that HE should be the one to call and say that he was having an affair with the guys wife. That he should apologize for stealing the guys wife's affection. That is what would speak to me and show me that he was really wanting to be an honest man. Of course, I lost it and look crazy.

I wish the guy would have answered the phone the first three times I tried to call. I will look into sending stuff up there but she knows now and will be looking for it. They are both retired so she has the time to be vigilant. Unlike me who will now need to work for the rest of my life because I stayed home to raise children trusting that my husband and I had a future together.

Me - BS (53) Him-WS(58)
Her OW(55) HighSchoolGirlfriend
Together 30 years Married 28 Kids 24,21,18
D day Feb 26 2013 after 20 months
D day March 4 they met again "to say goodbye"
D day April 2 found out about secret email

Posts: 188 | Registered: Apr 2013
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Default  Posted: 12:26 AM, May 12th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Again, registered letter, courier service. Stop telling WH what you're going to do.

"Arise and be all that you dreamed." ~Flyleaf

Posts: 136 | Registered: Mar 2013
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Default  Posted: 6:10 AM, May 12th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

There are ways to call and have the calling number set to anything you want. PM me if you are interested.

BH (me), 53
FWW (Her) 55
DD18, DS15
D-Day 12/23/2007
R going well

Wish I didn't know now what I didn't know then --- Bob Seger

Posts: 326 | Registered: Oct 2009 | From: East Coast
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Default  Posted: 6:31 PM, May 12th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Again, registered letter, courier service. Stop telling WH what you're going to do.

A lot of affairs will go underground at this point....DO NOT put your head into the sand. The APs have had time to do a little "damage control".....

My guess is that they are still in some form of contact.....

good luck...


DDay 9/25/2008
R started 11/10/08

Posts: 5831 | Registered: Dec 2008 | From: Texas
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Default  Posted: 8:16 PM, May 12th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

*67 before you dial, it will show p as a private nuber on their phone

BW - Reconciling

edited for typos (I always have to!)

Posts: 3637 | Registered: May 2008 | From: Midwest
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Default  Posted: 8:53 PM, May 12th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

The problem with that ^^ is they may have their phone set so that private calls don't ring until the number is unblocked. That's how I have my phone set because the skank that was running behind my H had nerve enough to call my house to talk to him when I was at work. So I blocked her number. Then when she used another number that was private, I blocked all private calls. Now if someone calls my house from a private number a recording tells them that they need to unblock it in order for their call to be received.

There's a difference between giving up and knowing when you've had enough.

Posts: 560 | Registered: Mar 2008 | From: Somewhere Over The Rainbow
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Default  Posted: 5:23 AM, May 13th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

A lot of affairs will go underground at this point....

Sounds to me , from personal experience, like that is what is going on.
Your WH does not truly want to R.

together 25 yrs, married 24 yrs, 4 children;Rebuilding
D Day: 5/10/2011 PA
OW: WH's co-worker,divorced, no children, 20 yrs younger than I-----& she knew he was married, had met our kids, but that did not stop her from trying to destroy our family

Posts: 1403 | Registered: Dec 2012
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Default  Posted: 8:57 AM, May 13th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

LearningToFly, have you seen all the suggestions several people have made about certified mail and RESTRICTED delivery?

Stop with the phone attempts since it's a dead end at this point. Get together a PACKAGE for her husband containing copies of cell phone records of their calls between each other, copies of their texts, emails, chats, pictures, whatever evidence you HAVE write him a letter detailing everything you would have said on the phone to him. Be sure to include YOUR cell phone number so he can call with any questions.

Then be sure to pay for RESTRICTED delivery ONLY to him through the post office.

Be careful - that 'knight in shining armor' may very well be nothing more than an assclown wrapped in tin foil.
ME: 50+ years old and cute as a button :-)
Ex-WBF: Just a lying, cheating, gravy-sucking pig - and I left him in 2012.

Posts: 1838 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: USA
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Default  Posted: 9:36 AM, May 13th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'd want to be contacted; as for lost100's statement that the "devastation that would be inflicted on the other innocent party would be so great and my conscience would play on my mind. Motivation to inflict pain is not my thing..." By this reasoning, doctors would never inform patients that they have's an often devastatingly painful diagnosis to hear, and generally one that the patient has done nothing to cause (ergo, the patient is 'innocent').

I view revealing truths to another BS as allowing them the dignity of INFORMED CONSENT. Right now, they are hoodwinked and in a non-consensual open relationship. By staying silent, you are helping to perpetuate the lies.

I think the notion that telling the other BS is about a "motivation to inflict pain" is missing the point entirely; it minimizes the moral dilemma to a tit-for-tat dust-up. If a BS's conscience weighs heavily on them for revealing the truth to another BS, I'd tend to think there's too much internalizing of blame going on. Telling the other BS can be very difficult, because any BS knows the pain; however, no one ever said doing the RIGHT thing was synonymous with doing the EASY thing.

I am afraid he might even stop trying altogether if he finds out I contacted the betrayed husband.

If he stops trying due to that, then he's just spared you a lot of wasted time trying to R with a WS who isn't really feeling a lasting remorse, IMHO. R is a long, difficult road, and requires a lot of heavy lifting from both the FWS & the BS. If this is the straw that breaks your FW-camel's back, he's done you a favor. Not to be flippant or harsh; however, my feeling post DDay was that being nice and letting things go and compromising right and left didn't do anything to stop all the cheating, so I certainly wasn't going to hold back now.

Talking to your H about it any further sounds like it will only keep the OW apprised of your plans.

Have you checked property tax records? (If you need his actual name ~ ) Make sure, if you send him a letter, that it can absolutely ONLY be signed for by him, return receipt requested, as others have stated. I know stuff comes here often for my H that I sign for no whatever that type of mailing is, you don't want IT.

Good luck to you!

[This message edited by sad12008 at 9:37 AM, May 13th (Monday)]

You can't fill a cup with no bottom.

Posts: 3895 | Registered: Feb 2008 | From: a new start together
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Default  Posted: 3:49 PM, May 13th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

OW is probably watching for something to come in the mail. If he isn't home when the mail arrives, she will tell the carrier to send it back or if the mail carrier leaves a notice for him, the WW will throw it away. Best option is to find out where he works and send it there.

Me - BW (53)
Him - WH (56)
OW - skanky whore coworker
Married 33 years
DDay1 8/10/11
DDay2 8/15/11
DDay3 8/28/11
2 grown children
Status - in R

Posts: 978 | Registered: May 2012
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Member # 39170
Default  Posted: 7:38 PM, May 13th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

If it's important to you, I would do it. Tell the other BS what he needs to know (yes, he really needs to know).

I agree with everyone. stop telling your WS what your plans are.

I think they're both retired? Sending something to his workplace wouldn't work in this case.

I'd maybe PM circlingthedrain for that phone info. I agree that OW will probably return to sender or "lose" the postal slip.

Me: BS (32)
Him: WH (31)
Married 3 years.
Confessed to PA April 21 2013.

DS (6), DS (18 months)

Aug 30 2013 He gives me back his ring with an ultimatum: "Get over it or get out".

Status: Done like dinner

Posts: 277 | Registered: May 2013 | From: The frozen North, eh?
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Default  Posted: 11:14 AM, May 14th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Like I said before:


"Arise and be all that you dreamed." ~Flyleaf

Posts: 136 | Registered: Mar 2013
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Default  Posted: 11:33 AM, May 14th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I didn't read all the replies, but if you want to PM me I will call him and get him a message...

“And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom”
Anaïs Nin
Me: 45
Him: 47
Dday 8/2007
We have R'd

Posts: 3850 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: Massachusetts
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Default  Posted: 12:36 PM, May 14th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Oh thank you! Something about finding out where the AP's H works keyed off a memory and it only took less than a minute to FINALLY find an email address. I'd previously messaged his Facebook account but suspect it was a fake she set up to catch any messages anyway. I never got a response.

I'm already feeling stressed out about sending another email, so you have my empathy, LearningToFly.

BW--Me, 57
FWH--Him, 59
Married 35 years
Empty Nesters

Posts: 639 | Registered: Oct 2011 | From: Midwest
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Default  Posted: 2:26 PM, May 14th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Find a way to do it.

I called the OM's live-in girlfriend at work. She thanked me. I said that I didn't do it for any noble reason. I did it out of anger.

It made me feel better and now OM has to face reality in his own home, too.

All of us BS need to stand up for ourselves. Every action we take that helps us say, "it's not OK to hurt me," helps. At least that's all I feel.

There's a school of thought that says by exposing the affair you're going to inflict unnecessary pain on the innocent OW's husband.

That's for the OW to own, not you.

Me: BH
Her: WW
Together since 2001, married since 2007.
D-day: Feb. 20, 2013.
Broke NC: 2 phone calls since
Today: In MC and IC, attempting R.
It got easier: They no longer work together.

Posts: 509 | Registered: Mar 2013 | From: Canada
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Default  Posted: 12:19 AM, May 15th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Send the letter restricted.

Can you see her facebook friends? Check for ones with the same last name as the BH. See if you can ascertain the relationship. Contact a sibling telling them you are trying to get ahold of BH and can he help you....

Me: BW 34 Him: WH 36
Married 10
Dday #1 5/15/10 claimed EA/just friends
#2 9/20/10 (admitted to kiss w/ same OW
#3 11/29/10 admitted to a lot more

Posts: 3981 | Registered: May 2010
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Default  Posted: 11:21 AM, May 15th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You want the OW's BS to know? Hire a PI. A PI can find him in a nano-second and give him all information you wish to share.

♥ WINE - the other fruit juice! ♥

Posts: 36162 | Registered: Apr 2005
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Default  Posted: 1:13 PM, May 15th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Don't know about a road trip. The last BS to take a road trip, we never heard back from -Disappointed 33?

Me-BW 39
D-day 9-4-12
Major TT 8-14
Friends for 20yrs dating since 2000
Married 10yrs with 2 toddlers
My wedding band is a symbol of hope, forgiveness, love, and grace.

Posts: 946 | Registered: Mar 2013 | From: PA
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Default  Posted: 1:39 PM, May 15th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I can relate to a situation where it was not all that easy to inform the other BS.

The Whore's H is a logger, apparently self-employed, so sending him a letter or calling him at work was out of the question.

I had their home landline phone number and I knew her approximate work schedule so I called one morning, hoping she'd be at work but the BH might still be home. A teenaged boy answered and said his dad had gone to work. I was just a nervous wreck after talking to that kid and didn't really want to talk to her kids. Uggh.

Neither Whore nor her H appear to have any presence on the computer or social networking. Quite frankly, I don't think they have a computer. So email was obviously out.

So here is what I finally did:

I recorded copies of the Whore's pathetic voicemails left for my H (on the abandoned secret tracfone). In these messages (2-3 months after the A ended) she was begging my H to see her again, blubbering and bawling about how she missed him and said she just wanted to hear his voice...then on the last one she kept saying she wanted to see him...needed to see him and she luuuuuuuuuuuvvvved him so much (sounding like she was bawling the whole time).

So I put them on audio CDs and wrote up a note to go with them, then I packaged them into a small box. I put a return address on this box to make it seem like it was something lumber related because I figured they would not be suspcicious of the contents and there was a better chance he'd open instead of her though my method certainly had no guarantee. I sent it by UPS to make it seem more officially business related.

Wish I could have been a fly in their house that day, but all I know for reasonably sure is that one way or the other, the BH got the message based on some things the whore said and did after that point.

[This message edited by Bobbi_sue at 1:42 PM, May 15th (Wednesday)]

Posts: 5764 | Registered: Apr 2006
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Default  Posted: 3:08 PM, May 15th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

OK so no road trip and no registered mail and all that other stuff.

What to do?

I got it.

Go to the store and get a somewhat popular age appropriate men's magazine that you think he will like and a Tracfone.

Write your letter(s) and make sure to put the number of the Tracfone in the letter. For the phone call, all he needs to do is call and tell you that he got it and that's it.

Attach the letter to the inside pages using stick glue or something.

Write an for a subscrition saying this is a freebie. Give fake numbers to call and all that. You know those offers that come in the mail in plastic wrap with letters...that's what I'm getting at.

Put the magazine in a clear magazine mailer and insert the advertisement in the mailer too, but on top of the magazine.

Make sure to put a label that says to Mr. SUCH N SUCH "or current resident" with his address on the magazine.

Mail it.

You know he has receieved it when you get a phone call.

Now if OW is so paranoid that she even goes through a free issue of "field & stream" or something of the like, then I have another option.

You could take out a full page ad in the main newspaper in the area where they live. You can really go bold with this one. Put her picture in it. Call her whatever you want, within limits like adultress or something. You know that if he doesn't get it, everyone else will. Then a friend of his hopefully would pass that information along. Oh make sure you put your Tracfone number in that add too.

Of course, you could get bogus calls, but it might work. The beauty is the Tracfone is throw away. After it has served its purpose, you toss it.


I just think the letters in registered mail are no gos at this point because she has been tipped off.

The newspaper ad is really the cover all to get the message to him.

Besides, it really doesn't sound like he's ready to R because he is still protecting her. I say you give him the ultimatum that he needs to contact him and tell him or leave.

Then when he leaves, call a lawyer.

Good luck.

[This message edited by la433 at 3:16 PM, May 15th (Wednesday)]

"Arise and be all that you dreamed." ~Flyleaf

Posts: 136 | Registered: Mar 2013
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