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Just Found Out Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: How to confront her with what I truly know....
Qm33vx1f
♂ New Member
Member # 39239
Default  Posted: 8:13 PM, May 11th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Nik79
You must man up now and take control of the situation.
I'm sorry this is happening to you. I've seen it over and over the man allows the cheating wife to call the shots and make the decisions. Your wife doesn't respect you or your marriage. You cannot "nice" her into picking you. You cannot make her do anything. You can only make her wish she had!!
I can see no reason why she should go on this trip. It's to go meet and have sex with the OM. You can't stop her. You can only confront now and give her the consequences if she does. What happens if she goes and has sex with him?
You must stand up for you!!!!
Your wife is in a fantasy and the only way to bring her out of it is standing up with firm boundaries and consequences!!! You are the man so begin planning and acting like a man

You will never ""nice" her back into the marriage

I wish you the best brother


Posts: 2 | Registered: May 2013
Theradin
♂ Member
Member # 38518
Default  Posted: 9:11 AM, May 12th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Nik,

I 100% echo what most everyone has said here. Not only that, but your situation is hauntingly similar to mine.

My WW had done 95% of the EXACT same things that your WW is currently doing. And man, I wish I knew of SI.com back when this was first started. Hell, I wish I had even a book on infidelity back then. I had nothing (didn't even know this stuff existed); I felt like I was completely alone and "unique" in this situation.

Had I had the resources you appear to have at the stage you are at, I would have 180'd my WW so fast it wouldn't have been funny. I would have put a stop to the continued abuse, lies, deceit, etc. Instead, I did what you are thinking of doing: I initially tried to "nice" her back into the M, and to convince her she was just making a mistake with trying to see her AP.

Man, let me tell you. It got so bad that at one point (last December), she was actually talking to me in the kitchen about her upcoming trip to see the OM. Yes, she was 100% communicative about it, thinking I somehow supported it. She was like, "Well I'm flying out on Monday to spend 5 days with him in his house in Las Vegas." I asked if she wanted a ride back from the airport, and no joke, this was her response, "Well, no, that might be a little weird, don't you think?". In hindsight, yes, picking up my wife from the airport after she has had a 5-day fuckfest might have been a little, well, strange, to share with my work colleagues around the water cooler the next day.

Suffice it to say, I had tortured myself with her continued abuse and betrayal until something finally snapped in me. I gave her an ultimatum, and was 100% ready for battle, so to speak.

The best advice I can offer is to start immediately collecting information (facts, etc.) on your wife's A. This will be incredibly valueable to you, should this escalate into something more severe that could result in a D with your WW (especially custody, alimony, etc.). Remember, everything of your wife's is yours, and everything of yours is your wife's. Do NOT feel "guilty" or "bad" about checking her email, phone, etc. You are a married couple, and are entitled to share each other's stuff, information, etc. If she feels offended by it, then they is either hiding something or has no concept of what marriage really means. Use a thumb drive or something to store all this information you collect (create a timeline-like document that has dates/times and actions she is engaging, like a log book, of sorts). Screenshots of messages on FB, etc. If you can find out who the OM is, find out if he is married. If he is, and ONLY if you have evidence that she is engaging in an EA or PA with this OM (e.g., FB messages that suggest anything sexual in nature, travel plans, etc.), then see if the OM's W is on FB (likely a FB Friend of his), and send her a PM letting her know that you have very important information that is highly sensitive, and that you'd like to talk to her. I recommend NOT sending what you know through a FB message, email, etc. Try to get her on the phone and tell her everything you know, and focus on the facts, not opinions. Bottom line, you HAVE to get this out of the shadows and out into the open. Your WW must know it is NOT acceptable to continue to emotionally abuse you and damage your family.

If you can, especially if she DOES in fact go to the beach with the OM, I would tell her before she goes that you know she is going to be engaging in an A while there, and that that kind of behavior will not be tolerated in your family home. If she then chooses to go to the beach, I strongly recommend drawing a hard line and contacting an attorney RIGHT AWAY. Use this time to build your case against her, and inform her that those kinds of behaviors simply are not allowed in your family, and that she must leave the house if she is going to continue those kinds of abusive behaviors. Leave it up to her to find where she is going to go, but inform her that you will NOT allow your child to be subjected to that kind of emotional abuse and emotional neglect she is inflicting upon her family. Protect yourself AND your child from this perpetrator.

If you'd like some advice on how to begin investigating and collecting information, please feel free to PM me. I would rather not post those tips and suggestions on here, as I know many WSs read these forums, and I don't feel comfortable with them learning some of these proven investigation techniques. The element of surprise is incredibly important at this point - let's NOT give her or others our "playbook", so to speak.

Best of luck to you. You are NOT alone. Keep fighting, being strong, and taking care of yourself and your daughter. Your WW is NOT your problem right now.

[This message edited by Theradin at 9:14 AM, May 12th (Sunday)]


ME: 33 BH
HER: 32 WW
Married: 8 years
Children: Yes
DDay #1: 02/22/2006 (ONS)
DDay #2: 09/23/2012 (EA/PA)
DDay #3: 12/07/2012 (EA/PA)
DDay #4: 01/03/2013 (EA/PA)
DDay #5: 01/24/2013 (EA/PA)
TT until 04/07/2013
100% NC: 04/18/2013

Posts: 190 | Registered: Feb 2013
cliffside
♀ Member
Member # 38803
Default  Posted: 11:19 AM, May 12th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Ditto all of the advice from others but wanted to add that you do have one card you can play. I assume you are watching your child while she goes away?
Confront her and tell her you're going to a hotel and will not be watching your son so she can have sex with another man. Tell her you will not enable this affair and you need a few days to figure this out. Walk out the door right then and there so she can not go on this trip. My WH AP had a very young son and it has always amazed me how she had her husband watching her kid so she could f*#% a man in the back of a car.


Me: BS 39
Him: WH 41
2 Kids
D-Day: 2/3/13
Broke NC 3/14
Very skeptically in R for now...

Posts: 265 | Registered: Mar 2013
Nik79
♂ New Member
Member # 39137
Default  Posted: 2:36 PM, May 15th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Well tonight will be the line drawn in the sand. Oddly enough, she just told me how she has such cramps from starting her period. Prt of me chuckles about this but then I also wonder if she is lying to try to throw me off. Either way obviously there are other fun things to do but just another odd piece of this surreal puzzle. I plan to just say that I know but if it ends up where it comes out how I know then that is fine. I plan to say that what I want has obviously not mattered for a while but if she leaves for this trip, no matter what the excuse, then she will have divorce papers ready for her when she returns. Although MD says you have to have a separation agreement for a year before divorce, I can file directly for divorce on the grounds of Adultery. Even if a judge doesn't feel pictures of texts don't give proof and we end up going a different route, it will be a little more open at first as to what has really dissolved this marriage. I will take half of the responsibility as to perhaps why this marriage was limping. However I am not the one who is putting a gun to the head of the marriage and pulling the trigger. I will say that if she also leaves then frankly I don't care if she even comes back for a while. The OM is not in this state and she has to be to work so I don't see a longer stay with him being a possibility. Her Mom is in the area and she can stay there. Thanks for all your support! I'll let everyone know how it goes.

[This message edited by Nik79 at 2:40 PM, May 15th (Wednesday)]


Posts: 7 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Maryland
Qm33vx1f
♂ New Member
Member # 39239
Default  Posted: 7:28 PM, May 16th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Stand firm with her!! She is a skilled liar. She's been lying to you for months. This may not be her first affair. You have to go full blown "tell me the truth" in writing. Odds are she will trickle truth, blame you, minimize, etc. You've got to be strong! Let her see that you are a strong man who's prepared to kick her to the curb if she doesn't come clean. You must have a full confession and timeline.
It seems you have your consequences lined up. Only after she deals the NC blow to OM, comes clean, and commits to the marriage can you decide if you want to work on the marriage.

You make the decision if you want to stay.
Good Luck!!!


Posts: 2 | Registered: May 2013
Getting to Happy
♀ Member
Member # 35200
Default  Posted: 7:40 PM, May 16th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

And when you confront, try not to tell her how you got your info.

Right now she is the enemy pod person in the Lurrrve Fog.

Hold your cards close...

Good luck tonight.

(((((Nik79)))))


WS him
BS me DD's 26, 25' DS 23
dd1 1-1-10, dd2 Mothers Day 2011, dd3 3-12-12 Hawaii trip with ho-worker...

Never forget what is worth remembering or remember what is best forgotten.
Unknown


Posts: 1138 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: La La Land
Topic Posts: 26
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