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Divorce/Separation Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: How many bs...told your children the truth?
♀ Member
Member # 37215
Default  Posted: 12:37 AM, May 12th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I did. My DD17 knew something was up and confronted me via email. She was upset that I withheld the truth from her. She perceived that as dishonesty. From that point on, I was completely honest with their questions. I gave just the facts. I also told them what you did about trying everything I could to keep the family together.

You didn't say anything inappropriate.

Me (BS): 43 Children: DD 19, DS 15
Divorced September 30, 2014
"It's always darkest before the dawn ..."

Posts: 2268 | Registered: Oct 2012
♀ Member
Member # 22033
Default  Posted: 12:52 AM, May 12th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

D-Day #2, after having some major gaslighting and mind-fucking by EX ... I told the kids we were getting a divorce because daddy was in love with another woman and she was married.

Not my finest moment, but the kids have never questioned that they were the reason for divorce.

I was so sick of many lies, for so many years!!!! .... There was no way I could lie to them.

BW (me) - 45
DS 14, DS 11
D-Day#1: Oct 30, 2008
D-Day#2: June 3, 2011 (same MOW) Separation: June 3, 2011
Divorce finalized: Feb 2012 (due to 6 month waiting period).

Posts: 3250 | Registered: Dec 2008
♀ Member
Member # 36445
Default  Posted: 5:00 AM, May 12th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I told my oldest the truth only because ex was being a bigger jerk then he was already was and deliberately was trying to turn the kids against me in his own little mindfuck games. My oldest was only 12 at the time.

My youngest was 8 at the time, he worked it out for himself, xwh introduced the kids to the home wrecker before we separated or had told them and DS knows 'friends don't sleep in the same bed'.

Do I regret it? I am not sure, I am still not sure if it was the right thing to do. But I can't take it back now.

Oldest DS now hates his father and refuses to have anything to do with him, but has taken 2 years of mind games to get to this point. Youngest DS still hasn't give up hope yet that Dad will change.

But my youngest DS has admitted recently IC that he gives the OW a hard time because "she ruined his life" and "they hurt mum" in his eyes. The IC told him it's not his fight to fight. At the time was like WTF? But after some time thinking about it, he is right, it's is not the kids fight. Sure xwh choices have changed the kids lives forever, but ultimately what he did was to me and it's not up to the kids to fight my battles for me. Sure they can be angry at him for what he did to them though. But it's not up to the kids to defend their parent for them.

"Loving someone should not mean losing you. Love empowers you. It shouldn't erase you. - Thelma Davis.

Posts: 1358 | Registered: Aug 2012 | From: Australia
♂ Member
Member # 16565
Default  Posted: 11:35 AM, May 12th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

After I had solid proof on D-Day2 I told my kids (two adults and a 16-yr old).

The boys were very upset with their mother and they still are to some degree. My daughter was more forgiving, but still not happy about it.

I felt they needed to know what kind of a person their mother really is.

Me (BS): 55
Her (WW): 53
Married: Not any more
Children: Three of them
D-Day: 10/07/07; 12/15/12
Status: Trying to move on

Posts: 475 | Registered: Oct 2007 | From: USA
solus sto
♀ Member
Member # 30989
Default  Posted: 11:59 AM, May 12th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I told our kids. My son was home when I found out about the "last" OW---there is no way it could be kept from him.

I learned much later--after WS and I separated and when our son was in a deep depression (which predated d-day, but at that point was manifesting physically, as migraines)---that DS had overheard his father on the phone with someone NOT me (because, well---I was right there), talking in a way that should have been reserved for talking with me. This occurred WELL before d-day---a good 2-3 years.

So on some level, he knew. And this knowledge, held in (because he had NO idea what do do with it, poor child), made him PHYSICALLY ILL. He also blamed himself.

It was a relief for him when it all came out. And it was even more of a relief when I then recognized his physical symptoms (for which he'd been given serious meds, endured serious and expensive tests, and missed MASSIVE amounts of school) as part of a major depression.

My daughter was away at school. And yes, I told her, too. It was very difficult, but lies are what got us here, and I was damned if I was going to contribute to the atmosphere of dishonesty.

My husband was aware of and "supportive" (and present) when the kids were told.

He then was irate. And now he blames me for his lack of relationship with both kids. (Never mind that he's completely absent from their lives--in every way.)

His kids have ZERO respect for him---every single bit of it deserved.

The sad thing is that they both WANT to respect him. They love him. And he is totally unworthy--because he is utterly incapable of loving back. Unless he's getting that heady (heh-no pun intended) narcissistic supply, he has no desire for contact with anyone. They remind him of his failures, so they are .... history.

[This message edited by solus sto at 1:06 PM, May 12th (Sunday)]

BS-me, 52
WH (Trac-fone), 53, PD
2 kids-DD25, DS18
multiple d-days
Alone, most strangely, I live on~Rupert Brooke

Posts: 8830 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: midwest
♀ Member
Member # 32962
Default  Posted: 2:21 PM, May 12th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I told mine fairly early on. Partly because it was necessary due to the fact that he was ramming 0W down their throats. But it also became necessary. I learned afterwards that the other woman was telling my kids that I had up and left him while he was away on his deployment. She was telling them that she didn't meet him until after we were apart. Due to her own blabbermouth, the kids quickly saw the timeline discrepancies of when they supposedly "fell in love at first sight". The event she was describing was long before the timeline she gave. It was like a lightbulb moment for my oldest.

Since my ex husband decided to involve history rewriting and blame shifting in his stories to the kids, I'm glad I have been truthful. In fact, my children's therapist told me I needed to be or the children would be at risk of being turned against me due to the things they were being told that were not true.

Someone posted earlier in this thread but I'm too lazy to go back and look for it that "the waywards don't do this to the kids, they do this to us, but I must disagree. It may not be their fight, but they certainly are collateral damage. The United States might not be aiming for innocent civilians when it drops a missile on a structure overseas, but when they kill a bunch of innocent schoolchildren, that's some pretty serious collateral damage if you ask me. It is also certainly "done to them" by the guilty party. They don't have the same issues to work out, but they certainly have their own issues and they are very enmeshed with what has been done to us.

-betrayed almost my whole almost 15 yr marriage
-divorced since 2004

Posts: 880 | Registered: Aug 2011
♂ Member
Member # 36726
Default  Posted: 2:37 PM, May 12th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

There are differing opinions on what/how to tell kids about this. You know your kids best and what they can handle/understand. For me I used some advice here and simply told them, Mommy broke the rules of marriage. It was very wrong and Mommy made bad choices. I told them I will always be here for them, I have worked hard to keep their house for them and this will always be a safe place.

She hates that I tell them anything. But too bad. Sometimes lying in the bed you made is not as comfortable as it looked while you were making it.

BH me 46
WW her 38
DDay 8-17-12
2 kids (12, 9)
Filed for D 9/14/12
Divorced 4/17/13
She - engaged 5/13 married 9/13

Posts: 557 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: PA
♀ Member
Member # 27035
Default  Posted: 6:21 PM, May 12th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I told all three of my kids the truth - they were all adults. No way was I going to cover for the cheating, lying ass. Youngest DD was actually in the room when I got the phone call from MOW's family (on New Years Eve, no less), so she knew from the get-go. (X had already abandoned me and the marriage- long story of him gas lighting and me in denial - you know, that absolute trust thing) Youngest DD was 20 and in college so guess what she got for Christmas break that year? Stupid fucking cheaters have ruined so much for so many people.

[This message edited by kernel at 6:23 PM, May 12th (Sunday)]

"On particularly rough days when I'm sure I can't possibly endure, I like to remind myself that my track record for getting through bad days so far is 100% and that's pretty good."

Posts: 5243 | Registered: Jan 2010 | From: Midwest
♀ Member
Member # 36634
Default  Posted: 7:18 PM, May 12th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Amazing that your ws wants to make you the bad guy. Do not think for a minute that you did anything wrong. Your kids are not stupid. My children know as well. I was exactly like you a zombe, lost about 40 pounds etc.. even my 11 year old figured out what was going on. My ws tried to act like I was a monster for being honest as well. Like you, I to told them the bare minimum in an age appropriate way. Hell, my ws had already brought her around them anyway.

Also, I do not believe in divorce except in cases of adultery, abuse or addiction. Lying to the kids and telling them that we just didn't get along or we fell out of love would contadict all we have taught them over the years. I would be condoning divorce for trivial reasons and teaching them that if you fall out of love it is okay to divorce which is not a message that I want to send my children.
We are currently in R, so my children are learning the power of love and forgiveness. If he continues to betray after all we have been through, the kids will learn that there is a point when a person must protect themself from continuous abuse. At some point is is time to leave to preserve your dignity as a human being.

Me: 44 BS
Married 12 yrs
True R: 12/2012
4kids(11, 8, 5, 4mos)+ 2 Step kids I love like my own

Posts: 313 | Registered: Aug 2012 | From: Georgia
Topic Posts: 29
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