You didn't say anything inappropriate.
Not my finest moment, but the kids have never questioned that they were the reason for divorce.
I was so sick of lies....so many lies, for so many years!!!! .... There was no way I could lie to them.
My youngest was 8 at the time, he worked it out for himself, xwh introduced the kids to the home wrecker before we separated or had told them and DS knows 'friends don't sleep in the same bed'.
Do I regret it? I am not sure, I am still not sure if it was the right thing to do. But I can't take it back now.
Oldest DS now hates his father and refuses to have anything to do with him, but has taken 2 years of mind games to get to this point. Youngest DS still hasn't give up hope yet that Dad will change.
But my youngest DS has admitted recently IC that he gives the OW a hard time because "she ruined his life" and "they hurt mum" in his eyes. The IC told him it's not his fight to fight. At the time was like WTF? But after some time thinking about it, he is right, it's is not the kids fight. Sure xwh choices have changed the kids lives forever, but ultimately what he did was to me and it's not up to the kids to fight my battles for me. Sure they can be angry at him for what he did to them though. But it's not up to the kids to defend their parent for them.
The boys were very upset with their mother and they still are to some degree. My daughter was more forgiving, but still not happy about it.
I felt they needed to know what kind of a person their mother really is.
I learned much later--after WS and I separated and when our son was in a deep depression (which predated d-day, but at that point was manifesting physically, as migraines)---that DS had overheard his father on the phone with someone NOT me (because, well---I was right there), talking in a way that should have been reserved for talking with me. This occurred WELL before d-day---a good 2-3 years.
So on some level, he knew. And this knowledge, held in (because he had NO idea what do do with it, poor child), made him PHYSICALLY ILL. He also blamed himself.
It was a relief for him when it all came out. And it was even more of a relief when I then recognized his physical symptoms (for which he'd been given serious meds, endured serious and expensive tests, and missed MASSIVE amounts of school) as part of a major depression.
My daughter was away at school. And yes, I told her, too. It was very difficult, but lies are what got us here, and I was damned if I was going to contribute to the atmosphere of dishonesty.
My husband was aware of and "supportive" (and present) when the kids were told.
He then was irate. And now he blames me for his lack of relationship with both kids. (Never mind that he's completely absent from their lives--in every way.)
His kids have ZERO respect for him---every single bit of it deserved.
The sad thing is that they both WANT to respect him. They love him. And he is totally unworthy--because he is utterly incapable of loving back. Unless he's getting that heady (heh-no pun intended) narcissistic supply, he has no desire for contact with anyone. They remind him of his failures, so they are .... history.
[This message edited by solus sto at 1:06 PM, May 12th (Sunday)]
Since my ex husband decided to involve history rewriting and blame shifting in his stories to the kids, I'm glad I have been truthful. In fact, my children's therapist told me I needed to be or the children would be at risk of being turned against me due to the things they were being told that were not true.
Someone posted earlier in this thread but I'm too lazy to go back and look for it that "the waywards don't do this to the kids, they do this to us, but I must disagree. It may not be their fight, but they certainly are collateral damage. The United States might not be aiming for innocent civilians when it drops a missile on a structure overseas, but when they kill a bunch of innocent schoolchildren, that's some pretty serious collateral damage if you ask me. It is also certainly "done to them" by the guilty party. They don't have the same issues to work out, but they certainly have their own issues and they are very enmeshed with what has been done to us.
She hates that I tell them anything. But too bad. Sometimes lying in the bed you made is not as comfortable as it looked while you were making it.
[This message edited by kernel at 6:23 PM, May 12th (Sunday)]
Also, I do not believe in divorce except in cases of adultery, abuse or addiction. Lying to the kids and telling them that we just didn't get along or we fell out of love would contadict all we have taught them over the years. I would be condoning divorce for trivial reasons and teaching them that if you fall out of love it is okay to divorce which is not a message that I want to send my children.
We are currently in R, so my children are learning the power of love and forgiveness. If he continues to betray after all we have been through, the kids will learn that there is a point when a person must protect themself from continuous abuse. At some point is is time to leave to preserve your dignity as a human being.