Many of you probably know this extra-gross portion of my story, but my XH and I were on the verge of trying to conceive when I had my A. I was caught literally a week before I was going to (reluctantly) end the A so we could start TTC.
Every time I type that, I feel so sick. Looking back, I cannot believe I was so twisted and selfish. XH said we could start in January of 2010. I was deep in the A at that time. I put him off, gave a partially B.S. excuse about wanting to take a few months' worth of folic acid before starting to try, said "Let's wait until March." I remember the look on XH's face when, after D-day, he asked me if that was one of the reasons I had put him off until March---so I could continue the A---and I said yes. Holy shit, I was so unbelievably selfish.
Had I not cheated, we'd possibly be parents to a 2-year-old right now. I'd be a mom...something I've wanted more than anything my whole life...except for that period of time when I wanted the OM more.
I'm nearly 32...not past childbearing years by a long shot, but I have a medical condition (dx'd post-divorce) that might complicate things (I'm praying not). Our reconciliation is going well. But I mentally kick myself constantly. All my friends now have kids. My good friend (not the one XH had a post-D relationship with; her SIL) was pregnant during my A. I didn't meet her daughter until she (daughter) was 2. I missed so much.
I feel like a loser because I don't have a child. Because of why I don't have a child. I am likely not a mother because I preferred to lie and cheat than to make a family with my then-husband. So disgusting. And it triggers me every year.
[This message edited by heartbroken0903 at 2:52 PM, May 11th (Saturday)]
Married 2.5 years
Reconciled after divorce
"Someday you'll look back on all these days
And all this pain is gonna be invisible." - Hunter Hayes, "Invisible"
"Courage is being scared to death and saddling up anyway." - J. Wayne
"What if I fall?" Oh but my darling, what if you fly?
I look at my DD3 and I occasionally feel a pang of sadness that I'm not the mom I set out to be for her - I'm a different person now. Also, I was supposed to have my second by now, but much like the thread in R those plans got put on ice.
I've gotten to the point where I don't blame FWH for this, though. I chose this path in life, and this is where it has led me. I can either look back and point fingers and lament what could have been, or I can make the best of right now and focus my energy on where I want to go. (At least, I STRIVE to look at things like this.)
I want to give you a big hug for your pain and regret. I also want to reassure you that being the best person and partner you can be in this new chance with your XH may yield big blessings you could never have imagined.
[This message edited by Jrazz at 11:24 PM, May 11th (Saturday)]
being the best person and partner you can be in this new chance with your XH may yield big blessings you could never have imagined.
I too have pains on Mother's Day. The time and attention I took away from my kids to have an A, how badly I hurt their father, that I threw my kids family and safe happy childhood away (BH is helping me rescue those things).
I can run away from these feelings or I can face them and let them strengthen my resolve to be the best mother I can be for these beautiful kids I've been blessed with.
It seems to me you are doing the same work now.
Just think how much better of a mom you will be now vs before. You have a much stronger appreciation for what is important in life. Your future children will benefit greatly from that.
Think positive and dwell on what you have learned!
I know your plans were different; we learned God sometimes laughs at plans.
Your bab(ies) will be so worth the wait, as agonizing as it is.
Infidelity changed the timing of #2 for us. He was the boy meant for us-- no doubt about it.
I am truly sorry for your pain, and wish the very best for you.
[This message edited by solus sto at 1:36 AM, May 13th (Monday)]
In a way, I'd like to think that, had things gone according to "plan" back then, I wouldn't have gotten pregnant anyway...God knew I wasn't ready to be a mother then...my extreme selfishness was not compatible with the selflessness needed for parenthood, for sure. So in that way, and even in others, I'm sort of glad I'm currently childless, odd as it may sound. I still have a lot of work on myself left to do before I'll be ready for the most important work (IMO) on Earth.
I just hope I'll get the chance one day.
[This message edited by heartbroken0903 at 6:10 PM, May 13th (Monday)]