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Wayward Side Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: Why do I do it to myself?
Unagie
♀ Member
Member # 37091
Default  Posted: 4:29 PM, May 11th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Why do I go to JFO, it's not like I don't know the raw pain of a BS, it's not like I'm not remorseful as a wayward but I go there and I feel horrible all over again. Dear god when I read a post stating that a WW is a "slut" and a person who can't be a good upstanding parent and that the child will make bad choices in their future spouse because the role model they had is this "slut" of a woman....My heart clenches, I wonder if that's how people view me, is that how SO views me, his friends, his family, my friends, my family, is that how they all view me? Will my children view me that way if they ever find out? Did he stay with me because he sees me as a decent person or did he stay because he'd had time invested? Does him cheating make me staying with him equally foolish?

Why do I ever enter that forum, it makes me feel dirty and filthy all over again. Sorry for the pity party, I'm having a horrible week and I realize it's because classes are almost over and that means I am free to leave but something in me clenches, something brings tears to my eyes as I type this. I don't want to leave, I love him so much but it hurts every day to know the things we've done to each other. It hurts to know that we may never be able to be as truly happy as we had the opportunity for before.


Heartbroken madhatter trying to rebuild

No longer together

Do not let others be your reference for who you see in the mirror.

Stop allowing people to hurt you, because you don't love you enough to walk away.


Posts: 2633 | Registered: Oct 2012
Neithan
♂ Member
Member # 35924
Default  Posted: 4:56 PM, May 11th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

What lessons do you still need to fully learn, that you go back to JFO? Are you trying to convince yourself that it's hopeless as far as finding "true happiness" with your present SO, so you should leave and start over with another? Do you feel that you're so badly "damaged goods" that you'd best stay with SO because noone else would want you if they truly knew you? Or it it something else completely?

There must be a reason you go there, Find the reason(s) and you'll be closer to learning more about what you need to move further.

Or so it seems to me.


Me: BH
Her: WW
D-Day: 2/19/2010
Married 1981
That which does not kill me makes me more irritable

Posts: 315 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: Among the Gaurwaith
Aubrie
♀ Member
Member # 33886
Default  Posted: 5:01 PM, May 11th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Why do I ever enter that forum
You answered your own question.
pity party

Unagie, when I trigger, the last place I need to go into is JFO. And well, half the threads in General. It does nothing for me other than throw salt into the already gaping wound. I already feel crap about myself or issues and I waltz into JFO and General vent threads and they back up what I feel.

That I'm trash. A slut. No good. I'll never change. Once a cheater, always a cheater. Hopeless cause. Terrible parent. Never to be trusted again. Shall I go on?

Are these things true? Well, 2 years ago they were very true. The work I have done since then has changed who I am. Would my children be disappointed in me? Probably so. I hurt their Dad very badly. However, the Mom they have today isn't the same girl that crawled in here in November of 2011.

Correct me if I'm wrong, but I think it's similar to a recovering drug addict or alcoholic. They made the choices to do what they did. Some keep doing it. They stay addicted, ruining their families lives, abusing their loved ones, draining finances, trashing holidays, etc.

Some get into rehab and turn themselves around. They do the hard work. They go to the meetings, talk to their sponsors, get involved in their support group. They celebrate 500 days of sobriety. 1000 days, 1500 days, whatever. Every day of recovery is a celebration.

I'm positive that they struggle with the baggage of when they were still mired in their vices. But I don't think that any person that is working so hard as sobriety is going to sit on a park bench across the street from a bar and stare at the door. Talk about a temptation. If they sit there long enough and are not in a healthy mindset, they will eventually get up, walk in the door, and there goes sobriety.

Similarly, why would you go into forums where a BS is in fresh pain, releasing all the hurt and poison from their betrayal, and breathe it in, knowing that it's not going to improve your mindset? Are you taking in their anger and hate because maybe your WS/BS isn't giving it to you?

Maybe not the best analogy, but that's the best I got at this particular moment.

ETA:

It hurts to know that we may never be able to be as truly happy as we had the opportunity for before.
I struggled with this one for a long time till I realized something. Because of my issues, our relationship never had a snowballs chance in being awesome, healthy, and somewhere over the rainbow. Like seriously. We might have some good times and have some good memories. But our chances at a long term, great marriage weren't likely in the least. It may have been prolonged, but guaranteed if I hadn't worked on my issues before, it would have one day manifested. Be it 2 years into the relationship or 20. kwim?

[This message edited by Aubrie84 at 5:08 PM, May 11th (Saturday)]


Me - FWW * Him - QuietStand

"Courage is being scared to death and saddling up anyway." - J. Wayne

"What if I fall?" Oh but my darling, what if you fly?


Posts: 6048 | Registered: Nov 2011 | From: South, Y'all!
Unagie
♀ Member
Member # 37091
Default  Posted: 5:17 PM, May 11th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks Aubrie.

Neithan its not so much about learning things its more I see a post and I click on it because it sounds similar to something I did and I hope to read about someone who did it right immediately. Who came clean and didn't continue with the TT and lies. It's foolish backsliding and I need to stop.


Heartbroken madhatter trying to rebuild

No longer together

Do not let others be your reference for who you see in the mirror.

Stop allowing people to hurt you, because you don't love you enough to walk away.


Posts: 2633 | Registered: Oct 2012
Aubrie
♀ Member
Member # 33886
Default  Posted: 5:22 PM, May 11th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I hope to read about someone who did it right immediately.
I don't know of a single WS that has done it right immediately. I broke NC a month after Dday. And I'd been a member of SI since 4 days after Dday! I knew better. Did it anyway.

There isn't a person on the planet that will get it right immediately the first time. If that was the case, there wouldn't be any WS or a need for SI. kwim?


Me - FWW * Him - QuietStand

"Courage is being scared to death and saddling up anyway." - J. Wayne

"What if I fall?" Oh but my darling, what if you fly?


Posts: 6048 | Registered: Nov 2011 | From: South, Y'all!
hardlessons
♂ Member
Member # 35025
Default  Posted: 5:36 PM, May 11th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Why do I ever enter that forum

Why do you contemplate paying for a tattoo but say you can't afford IC?

Because until you do the hard work, not self flagellation and then when someone calls you out you say "I guess I should take a break and stop posting for a while".

You get better when you change your current thought patterns, make healthy choices, make healthy sacrifices, set up and maintain healthy boundaries. How have you done any of those?


Me WH
Wife Tired Girl
3 adult sons
"a wayward...annnnd just a tad betrayed."

Posts: 880 | Registered: Mar 2012 | From: Arizona
silverhopes
♀ Member
Member # 32753
Default  Posted: 7:18 PM, May 11th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

((((((((Unagie))))))))

You are a different person, making different, healthy choices, working on yourself, finding your way. You are a wonderful person. It sounds like there is a lot of healing left to do, and that's totally understandable and normal. It takes time. The wounds itch as they scab and scar over, and there's a rollercoaster for WS too. Keep going forward, even though I know some days are extra hard. We're here for you...


Find peace. Or sleep on it.
"Not my monkeys. Not my circus." ~Polish proverb (<~~~ as a codependent person, this comes in handy sometimes!)

Posts: 3880 | Registered: Jul 2011 | From: California
OK now
♀ Member
Member # 14459
Default  Posted: 7:47 PM, May 11th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

To be honest I have read very little name calling on JFO, using terms such as slut. What is so horrific is the pain and despair; the hopelessness of a potential future without the WS and with a broken family.

Since you are very remorseful I can't see why you would feel 'dirty and filthy'. WS's who show remorse have an acceptable image on JFO, as well they should. Its the WS's who display cruelty and a lack of compassion who draw criticism.


Posts: 1689 | Registered: May 2007 | From: NC
Unagie
♀ Member
Member # 37091
Default  Posted: 8:19 PM, May 11th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Why do you contemplate paying for a tattoo but say you can't afford IC?

Because I am contemplating getting one drawn not saying I can afford one. I cannot afford IC that's just a fact. Fact #2 I need a new counselor, when I told her about my betrayed status I was told to look at the positives that it wasn't someone he knew for a long time. The self-flagellation has happened these past 2 weeks. When you called me out it was not you telling me to dig and work that made me say I should read and stop posting, it was the insinuation that I was looking for a pat on the back. I looked at that post over and over when I read that and kept seeing the same thing, me seeing a situation that disgusted me and sharing my viewpoint on it and how it made me feel. By sharing and getting other's opinions I can delve deeper and get my introspection. Once I read it and clarified it I continued posting and even in that post I stated why I said that comment and it wasn't about running away it was about getting to a healthier place before posting again.

I doubt people stop feeling same and disgust for what they did but I am not sitting here breaking down and wanting to give up again. I went into JFO and it opened a door one that I decided to share to gain more insight. Have I made sacrifices? Yes I have, have gladly made them and am currently thousands in debt from hospital visits looking for a better counselor, looking for help. I do not feel comfortable going to a student for help because I have been through 2 IC so far and neither were a good fit but no health insurance= not many options. I consider getting a tattoo eventually and looking for ideas does not mean I am going to run out and spend what little money I have left. I go dancing to get my mind away from the negative for awhile and because it is a cheap way to get away and haven't been in a couple weeks to save money.

I am going to school to get a degree to get my life back on track. I read, I post, I think and talk and if its not here I talk to healthy friends and family. I have cut off the majority of my friendships and relationships. I have stopped drinking and am trying with everything in me to figure out what my healthy outcome will be. My boundaries with others are firm and I have enforced them many times over. My boundaries with SO are the ones I am working on the most because they get blurred because while yes working on me is important it is my honest opinion that you must put work into your relationship with others at the same time.

Yes entering JFO was a mistake and I backslided and it was stupid. I needed some 2x4's and I thank people for them.

HL, your posts tend to hit nerves with me and that is not saying I want you to stop responding to me I appreciate the insight. Your questioning my boundaries, sacrifices, choices and thought patterns. I can say I've made healthy sacrifices, I am getting to a place where my thought patterns are healthier but I will stumble. Me talking about a tattoo is just that an idea, I know if I had the money for a tattoo or IC I'd go to counseling. I am doing side jobs to get more money to go back to counseling. My boundaries as I said with the majority are healthy and strong and getting stronger. My boundaries with SO are what I am working so hard on. My choices have for the most part been healthy, the only unhealthy ones are the ones that once again deal directly with how things are going between SO and I and that is a personal and internal battle I am trying to let go of the outcome of.

Thank you again for the responses.


Heartbroken madhatter trying to rebuild

No longer together

Do not let others be your reference for who you see in the mirror.

Stop allowing people to hurt you, because you don't love you enough to walk away.


Posts: 2633 | Registered: Oct 2012
mchercheur
♀ Member
Member # 37735
Default  Posted: 8:36 PM, May 11th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

BW here, No stop sign, so I hope it is ok if I post on this thread.

(((Unagie)))

I have read most of your threads & feel like I sort of know you.
A few minutes ago I just posted a thread about the “slut” who seduced my husband during Mother’s Day weekend, has never looked back, & is probably still gloating about her “conquest”.

I do not see you the same way that I see her.

You have a beautiful pure heart. All humans make mistakes. Your mistakes do not define you. You are looking at yours & trying to learn from them. You want to be” the best version of yourself.” You have a lot of courage & have been very brave. I take my hat off to you for that. In fact, you have taught me a little bit about bravery. You have already done a lot of hard work. You have a lot of love. Forgive yourself.

[This message edited by mchercheur at 9:13 PM, May 11th (Saturday)]


together 25 yrs, married 24 yrs, 4 children;Rebuilding
D Day: 5/10/2011 PA
OW: WH's co-worker,divorced, no children, 20 yrs younger than I-----& she knew he was married, had met our kids, but that did not stop her from trying to destroy our family

Posts: 1337 | Registered: Dec 2012
tired girl
♀ Member
Member # 28053
Default  Posted: 12:37 PM, May 12th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

So instead of coming on here and asking why you do it, have you sat down and really torn this thing apart and figured it out? Why did you do it?

Why do you need the opinions of everyone on the board to tell you why you do something? I think that is where Hl is coming from in the validation dept. It isn't about validating you in the normal sense, it is about you coming on here with every decision or problem that you might have and rather than work it out yourself, you bring it here and tell everyone how you are feeling, then everyone tells you how awesome you are, how they wish their WS was like you and you have your ego kibbles for the day. You have been validated that you are doing the right thing, or what decision you need to make. How is this getting you to a place where you are becoming a strong enough person to make your own decisions without everyone telling you how awesome you are? It becomes a form of self soothing. You self flagellate here, everyone soothes you with kind words and then your good for a few days. This is a really bad place to be in. And not a healthy habit.

This was a trap that I recognized very early on when I came here unagie, and when I felt bad I purposely didn't post, I learned how to soothe me, instead of relying on others to do it. After all, isn't that what got us here?

I am not telling you to stop posting when you have a real problem that you need help and insight on, and support with. That is what everyone is here for. But did you even sit down with this problem and think about it, maybe journal, sit with it for a few days, pm a few members and ask for advice?

You can do what you want with what I am saying, and I am not trying to beat you over the head. I am trying to show you a pattern. I am trying to help you move forward out what seems to be a rut you are in. Learn how to be ok with the decisions that you make, where you are at, and what you are doing. I would like to see you in a place where you are self confident and happy.


Me45 Him 45 Hardlessons DS 25,23,20
D Day 1/18/10 his 3/8/2012 mine
"No one can make you feel inferior without your consent." Eleanor Roosevelt

Posts: 4506 | Registered: Mar 2010 | From: az
Unagie
♀ Member
Member # 37091
Default  Posted: 3:00 PM, May 12th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I did write down how I felt prior to posting. I pm'ed a couple folks and spoke to people irl but mostly I've been sitting on this for 2 weeks mulling it over. Not trying to get ego kibbles or be dependent on the opinions others and I've stopped more then one post and deleted it choosing to not share and deal with it solo. I get what your saying here and its something I'll look at more closely.

Sometimes when I've been dealing with something solo is when I choose to share. I need to picture that stop sign before I hit submit and figure out if this is something I can deal with solo no matter how much time it is taking me to work through it. Sometimes it becomes so overwhelming that sharing helps me focus again.

Yes I have figured out why I did it to myself. It had to deal with the guilt I've been feeling as I come closer to the day I had my A. The memories have been replaying and its been rough and horrible and I allowed myself to get stuck because I allowed myself to get overwhelmed. I feel exhausted all the time and let my guard down and all the negativity came rushing back in. Top that off with some things going on irl and it was like trying to claw myself out of quicksand with how fast the negative pulled me in again. I will endeavor to be more self aware about what I post and why, trying to be a better me and make better choices.


Heartbroken madhatter trying to rebuild

No longer together

Do not let others be your reference for who you see in the mirror.

Stop allowing people to hurt you, because you don't love you enough to walk away.


Posts: 2633 | Registered: Oct 2012
tired girl
♀ Member
Member # 28053
Default  Posted: 3:14 PM, May 12th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

So what did going into JFO accomplish for you?

You ask in your OP if certain people viewyou the same way that people are classified in JFO. You already know it to be not true. That is what I am talking about with asking for ego kibbles. Why do you need to know how people view you? How do you view you? Isn't that what is most important in this picture? At almost a year out, the picture you have in your head should be getting clearer, who are you? Are you that person? And if you aren't, does that opinion of others make or break you still? Are these the questions you are asking yourself?

[This message edited by tired girl at 3:15 PM, May 12th (Sunday)]


Me45 Him 45 Hardlessons DS 25,23,20
D Day 1/18/10 his 3/8/2012 mine
"No one can make you feel inferior without your consent." Eleanor Roosevelt

Posts: 4506 | Registered: Mar 2010 | From: az
Unagie
♀ Member
Member # 37091
Default  Posted: 3:48 PM, May 12th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

The people I mentioned in my OP are the people who have meant the most to me in my life. SO, my immediate family, my best friends, their opinions have always mattered. I know I'm not a slut, I know I'm not that person but he opinions of those who matter to me still effect me on some level. Its not as bad as it used to be but it's still there. I have asked myself why it matters and the answer is always because they matter. If they were random strangers or acquaintances they wouldn't matter so much. Going into JFO accomplished nothing but making me feel bad again and I know why I did it, and it was a dumb move on my part.

I know who I want to be and I know I am closer to being her then the person I was a year ago but change is no easy thing and while I am doing the work I have stumbled a lot the past few weeks. Its hitting me hard and I'm trying. I can't say much more then I am doing the work and I am trying. Defeat only comes if I give up. I have asked myself who I want to be. I ask myself everyday and make choices to be that person. Thank you again. You and HL pull no punches and I appreciate it.


Heartbroken madhatter trying to rebuild

No longer together

Do not let others be your reference for who you see in the mirror.

Stop allowing people to hurt you, because you don't love you enough to walk away.


Posts: 2633 | Registered: Oct 2012
badchoice
♂ Member
Member # 35566
Default  Posted: 8:40 PM, May 12th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I wander into JFO sometimes too, and really don't know why either.

I have asked myself who I want to be. I ask myself everyday and make choices to be that person.

This is all you can do. Make that choice every minute or every day, and you are that person.

I know who I want to be and I know I am closer to being her then the person I was a year ago but change is no easy thing and while I am doing the work I have stumbled a lot the past few weeks.

I am seeing that the 'old' me is still there, but I choose to be different. Old habits, coping skills, ways of being (no matter what they are) don;t just go away, I have to make choices in each moment to be the person I want to be.

Hang in there Unagie, I see so much progress in your post, it's inspiring to read.


Me: fWH/BH 46

Separated transitioning to D


Posts: 723 | Registered: May 2012 | From: L.A.
longroadhome
♂ Member
Member # 32428
Default  Posted: 4:00 PM, May 13th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I've read in JFO before in an attempt to better understand Mrs LRH. What I found is that the experience, rather than help me understand my own situation, felt more like being a cutter. I was taking internal pain and shifting it to something external. Really not helpful.

I've found a great deal of insight in General, particularly from BSs who are a bit further down the road, but JFO is too raw.

JMO, results may vary, shipping and handling not included.


Me: WH
Her: BW, and the most amazing, beautiful person I've ever known

It is counterintuitive really... the less we defend our well-being, the more well we feel. ~ Nancy Colier


Posts: 545 | Registered: Jun 2011
Topic Posts: 16

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