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Just Found Out Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: Suspicious text message
dion
♀ New Member
Member # 31809
Default  Posted: 9:09 PM, May 12th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I saw a very suspicious text message on my H's phone, but it was vague and I didn't have a chance to look through previous messages to get context.

He is never separated from his phone for more than a minute - he's been like this since we've met. It is in his pocket 99.9% of the time. It goes to the bathroom with him. He checks for it impulsively every time he wakes in the night, and he wakes every time I stir.

How do I get the phone away from him to take a better look?


Posts: 5 | Registered: Apr 2011
RockyMtn
♀ Member
Member # 37043
Default  Posted: 9:16 PM, May 12th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Couple ideas...

How did you get it the first time? However you did, do it again. This time, don't put it back. Let him think he lost it. Even if he can't believe that, just stick to the story. "Oh, it was on the table? I swear I didn't see it. Are you sure?" Then, while he thinks its lost and is searching the house, slip out on an errand. Look at what you need to. Return and place the phone someplace and let him find it - thinking that's where it was all that time. This might be hard since he is so connected to his phone, but its a thought. Where does he put it when he showers? If its on his dresser or the back of the toilet or whatever...grab it (if possible without being seen). Again, don't try to look in those 2 minutes. Just take it and let him think he lost it or set it down someplace else.

I just don't think trying to get info from a phone in 2 minutes, rushed is a good idea. You need an hour or so to dig through.


Me, BS, 30s
Him, WS, 30s, Steppenwolf
Kids: Yep
D-Day 1: September 2011, 6 week EA
D-Day 2: January 2013, discovered EA was a PA; there was another PA in 2010. All TT.
Goal = serenity.

Posts: 664 | Registered: Oct 2012
SoVerySadNow
♀ Member
Member # 36711
Default  Posted: 10:19 PM, May 12th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

And don't forget to turn it off in case he tries to call it to follow the ring before you get out of the house with it.


Me:BW
Him:WH
D-day(s),after years of TT and Gaslighting was Labor Day Weekend 2012, continuing for a week after. *Dammit! More TT 3/9/13
Really trending toward D- planning about it is my "happy place" now.

Posts: 1265 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: Sunny Florida
LearningToFly
♀ Member
Member # 39073
Default  Posted: 11:18 PM, May 12th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

If you have an online account with the cell company, you could log on and shut down service for awhile. When you turn it back on, any new texts or voicemails will be there. If he knows how to do this, it might not work. You would also need a plan so that when you were done checking, you could return the phone in working order.


Me - BS (53) Him-WS(58)
Her OW(55) HighSchoolGirlfriend
Together 30 years Married 28 Kids 24,21,18
D day Feb 26 2013 after 20 months
D day March 4 they met again "to say goodbye"
D day April 2 found out about secret email

Posts: 156 | Registered: Apr 2013
absolut
♀ Member
Member # 37933
Default  Posted: 3:01 AM, May 13th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

JMO but hold out your hand and say let me see your phone.

If he asks why say it's because I know you're hiding something. Don't let him move he has to hand it to you immediately.

You'll be able to tell by the look on his face exactly what's going on. And if he won't give it to you, well there's just no explanation for that.


Posts: 229 | Registered: Dec 2012
hopefulmother
♀ Member
Member # 38790
Default  Posted: 10:22 AM, May 13th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yeppers....ask for it.

Or do what I did, look at it while he was in the shower.


Me-BW 39
WH-39
D-day 9-4-12
The day he stopped talking about her and focused on REAL R. 10-4-12
BF 20yrs
Together since 2000
Married 9yrs with 2 toddlers
This is the exact moment when you can give him what he doesn't deserve-mercy and grace.

Posts: 684 | Registered: Mar 2013 | From: PA-Ebensburg
trynhard
♂ Member
Member # 22698
Default  Posted: 10:37 AM, May 13th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

How do I get the phone away from him to take a better look?

too me... It sounds like you are in a marriage where fear is in your heart and mind. Sometimes people need to change to be more forward, demanding, strong, conflict fairly in their relationships. Ask to see the phone. Ask for the online records. When you do, keep it simple, no accusing, try not to get rattled, angry.. etc..

"honey, in a marriage everything must be open.. I want to see your phone and all the records right now."

if he says no... Then you have a huge issue. Take away all your blessing until he gives you this info.. It will be hard but you can do it. With conflict comes resolution.

In a marriage everything is open. Insist on it. I say be completely open. Ask for the records. Be this woman.

If you can get online without him knowing.. do it. and look up the history.. both text and calls.

If same number over and over.. and it is a woman... I am sorry to say your H is not behaving like a married man.

Then you can deal with it by seeking third party help, etc...

Stay calm and have courage.

Peace.


Posts: 2636 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: Indiana
slater13
♂ Member
Member # 39008
Default  Posted: 12:17 PM, May 13th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Don't ask him if you are pretty sure he will say no. Then he will delete everything and bring it to you in 2 days, knowing it's clean. Say nothing. Wait until a Saturday when he is not working and he goes in the shower. Grab it, even if he sees, and run out of the house. Get in your car and drive away. Park somewhere and go through it. He will be pissed.

There are only 2 outcomes..
1- you find evidence. Forward everthing to your own email- including texts. He will be pissed, threaten D, whatever. Tell him to STFU, that h was cheating and set out your demands for R or File.

2- You find nothing. Of course this is the scary scenario that freightens you from doing this. Like me, you are probably worried you may be wrong (I wasn't, unfortunately usually no one is ) so lets examine that. Just come home and tell him you are sorry. He has not communicated well with you and he is so protective of the phone that you really thought something was going on. Apologize. If he gets really upset, get a VAR, he is probably cheating and is using this as an opportunity to gaslight you further. A non-cheating, faithful spouse should understand.

Good luck.


The choices we make reveal the true nature of our character

Posts: 153 | Registered: Apr 2013
tushnurse
♀ Member
Member # 21101
Default  Posted: 12:43 PM, May 13th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

If you do get the phone, and nothing seems suspicious also look at the contacts. My H was texing constantly w/ OW, and Low and Behold he had her number under another friends contact, thinking he could outsmart me.

If he is misbehaving he is most likely deleting his texts as soon as he gets/sends them. (IF he realizes he is being a bad boy). Getting phone records/bills is helpful in this.

A voice activated recorder (VAR) is a great idea w/ or w/o knowing if he is being bad. Listen if your gut is screaming somehthing is amiss, then it probably is. I wish I would have put a VAR in H's vehicle about 3 months sooner.

((((and strength)))))


Me: FBS
Him: FWS
Kids: 14 & 16
Married for 21 years now, was 16 at the time. .
D-Day Sept 26 2008
Fully R'd, and Happy Happy Happy

Posts: 6618 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: St. Louis
Ashland13
♀ Member
Member # 38378
Default  Posted: 2:58 PM, May 13th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yes, this is what Perv did, deleted the texts. He went a step further and during false R would block her on the phone company website but then turn it back on.

There may be other phones they have as well, including OW Junior.

Yes, his nature when you begin talking to him about it in any way will be telling in and of itself, dion.

A big clue or some red flags for me were in his manner...he tried for patience but couldn't do it and got very, very defensive, then made excuses to avoid me. By then I knew.

Now that damn phone is a boundary and low and behold, it drives DD nuts, too!

Yes, he does the same, it goes in the bathroom (eww), on projects, under the pillow when he sleeps-or did before. I don't know about now, don't care. I do know it's broken, which I think is funny.


Ashland 13

The only thing that stays the same, is change. -M. Etheridge


Posts: 1965 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: New England
stilltrying2025
♀ Member
Member # 39145
Default  Posted: 3:09 PM, May 13th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

The way I found text messages was to get my WH drunk and then a couple hours after he was sleeping I grabbed it and read the messages. Don't know if your H is a drinker but that worked for me. I just got lucky and he hadn't deleted those messages. He deleted all the other ones though. Really makes you wonder when they have to delete messages!


Me: 38
WH: 43
DD: Thanksgiving Day, 2012
Status: Separated

Posts: 184 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Minnesota
PurpleBirch
♀ Member
Member # 39170
Default  Posted: 7:20 PM, May 13th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I like the run and grab idea. Go into the bathroom with your shoes on & keys in your hand though.

The VAR is a good idea if you're too nervous to try that^^ just yet.

With my WH, he's the deep sleeper, so that's how I was mostly able to get ahold of it. But I warn you, I have asked to see his phone because I wanted to know if that Amy chick texted him (I saw the message, so I knew). He lied to my face about it, then deleted the message (I managed to check again after).

The whole phone hiding thing is a super-huge red flag to me now. So is deleting messages.


Me: BS (32)
Him: WH (31)
Married 3 years.
Confessed to PA April 21 2013.

DS (6), DS (18 months)

Aug 30 2013 He gives me back his ring with an ultimatum: "Get over it or get out".

Status: Done like dinner


Posts: 277 | Registered: May 2013 | From: The frozen North, eh?
Foolme1
♀ Member
Member # 38606
Default  Posted: 10:18 PM, May 13th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I took his phone while he slept at night. I waited until his snoring woke me up, then took his phone and locked myself in the bathroom. I took pictures of the texts with my phone for my records too.


BGF-me (31)-devoted girlfriend
xBF-him (30)-manipulative cheater
One beautiful dd. 14 years together (off and on). Married for 8 years, divorced, then "dating" for 3 more years.

Posts: 115 | Registered: Mar 2013
LearningToFly
♀ Member
Member # 39073
Default  Posted: 12:52 AM, May 14th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You can also forward his texts to your phone so they don't get "lost" Just open the message and under options forward to your own phone. Be sure your phone is off or set so that it doesn't make noise as you send the messages. You could do this with photos on the phone too.


Me - BS (53) Him-WS(58)
Her OW(55) HighSchoolGirlfriend
Together 30 years Married 28 Kids 24,21,18
D day Feb 26 2013 after 20 months
D day March 4 they met again "to say goodbye"
D day April 2 found out about secret email

Posts: 156 | Registered: Apr 2013
haleyscomet
♀ Member
Member # 38250
Default  Posted: 4:42 AM, May 14th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

He is never separated from his phone for more than a minute - he's been like this since we've met. It is in his pocket 99.9% of the time. It goes to the bathroom with him. He checks for it impulsively...

This is how my WXBF acted! Lying cheater!

Please be careful -- if there is a chance he'd become physical... especially if he's been drinking... don't take a chance of him catching you in the act of sneaking away his phone or looking through it.


And when/ however you do get to see his messages -
Please be prepared to discover that your worse fears are likely to be confirmed :(

I was so badly shaken the first time I 'busted' him I couldn't even physically go thru all the messages and I ended up confronting him prematurely -- and he deleted everything..! It took me another 2 weeks to intercept/catch Ow's texts again.

I heard a text come in while he was sleeping (in the morning). I took his phone and left with it. I wish I had been prepared to leave right then and there. Instead I went back home and got trickle-truth for days.... weeks.... months..! *grrr*
Lying cheater!

Drive away, park somewhere safe, then read. If you read first you may find yourself emotionally too much of a wreck to be driving.

I hope for your sake your suspicions are wrong... but, unfortunately by the time our gut is telling us there's an issue - there most definitely is an issue. :(


me: bgf - 46
him: wwbf - 40
lived together 2-1/2 years
dday1 dec 16 2012 found texts
dday2 dec 29 2012 intercepted texts
dday3 feb 20 2013 found texts during false R
status: its over


Posts: 67 | Registered: Jan 2013
Phoenix1
♀ Member
Member # 38928
Default  Posted: 5:16 AM, May 14th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Be aware that some shitbags also use drop phones (secret pre-paid disposable phone that can't be traced). My POS did this as he tried to take his A's deep underground. His 'regular' phone went with him everywhere like many of you described, but it was clean because he was using the drop phone to contact OW...


BS - Me
XPOS - too many OW/OCs, started 1994? - never stopped
Kids - 22, 20, 17
M Dissolved 2013!!!

This above all: to thine own self be true, and it must follow, as the night the day, thou canst not then be false to any man, ~ Shakespeare


Posts: 828 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Rising out of Hell's ashes!
sunshine226
♀ Member
Member # 38851
Default  Posted: 9:43 AM, May 14th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I used to check WH phone all the time, saw some comments to women that I didnt like and called him on it.

But the one text to OW was the one that confirmed for me that he was having an affair and that message ran through my head constantly for weeks

He lives with OW now and she is always checking his phone, although when I asked her one time about it she denied it and said "why would i do that i have no reason to not trust him" But i know she checks it, he has told a mutual friend and they told me about many times
she did it

Even one time there was a edited conversation between us that he called and asked me to reply in a certain way. He wanted to come in for a visit but wanted her to think i was gone away and he was coming in to stay with DD. She saw it and it worked!!! She even called the house that night and left a message "i think its really awesome you letting WH stay there while your out of town and all, its really nice for him to spend some alone time with DD," If she knew,

I hate his cell phone

[This message edited by sunshine226 at 9:44 AM, May 14th (Tuesday)]


Me-BS (44)
Him-WS (47)
DDay 1/1/2012, common law for 22 1/2 years when he began A in September 2011
Status: moving on without him

Posts: 234 | Registered: Mar 2013
Topic Posts: 17

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