Yes it happens to me too. My emotions are still riding the rollercoaster, so some days I love my WH and am happy we are in R and others are so bad I could get a D that instant.
I am 14 moths out from DDay1 and the cycling between highs and lows are getting less. I am more at peace with myself and life has calmed somewhat. I do trigger and still have some PTSD. I still have days that I hate WH.
I think with time all of it will dull, but I'm sure there will always be some pain associated with it unfortunately.
All we can hope for is to make a better M out of it. If that happens then R will have been worth it!
I know you won't want to hear it but TIME...it just takes time.
You are still fairly newly R correct?
Of course you are still hurting and are confused. Your H can't take back what he did or the things he said. Those are gifts that will be with you for a lifetime. (((sorry)))
What you can do going forward is set your boundaries and priorities.
Take time for you. Do what you need to do and tell him what it is you need from him.
The affair is not easy to process and accept, but it was who I became and how I was treated in those 8 months leading up to discovery that I had the most difficulty healing from.
We have not talked about the rage phase. To use the word rage is like calling a tornado a bit of wind. I had so much difficulty handling my rage that I began hurting myself as a way of letting it out.
When the A was revealed and the prospect of losing the marriage became real he had those months of me treating him wonderfully to compare with not having me and it was largely responsible for his ability to come out of the fog relatively quickly after D-day.
Knowing that those months were not in vain because they had an effect is very important to me and helped me to eventually learn to process that time.
To stay or leave a marriage is a very personal decision. There is no right or wrong reason. I do not want to encourage you to do either. I only offer up what I went through so you know you are not alone.
Trust yourself, and be patient with yourself. hugs.
A year of false R. I grew and worked, he didn't. He took off his wedding ring during an alcoholic relapse, I packed and left the next day. I went back 8 weeks later, working hard
What is your WH doing to make things better?
Have you found a good MC? A lot of them suck and can do more damage than good but if you find a good one who gives actual good advice, it can be helpful.
Your story shares some similarities with mine. My WW also said things to me that were emotionally painful to hear and experience. Sometime around last December, when she started to come clean about her EA/PA, she told me she was in love with the OM, that she has never been in love with me, that she has never been attracted to me, that sex with the OM was the best she'd ever had, and that she can "truly be herself" around the OM.
Whether or not any or all of that was truthful is irrelevant. It would be analogous to a parent saying to a child: I don't love you and never have; you're a disappointment and I just simply do not care about you, I LOVE your brother/sister and always have - but just not you, I am fulfilled when I think of being a parent to your brother/sister but not you, or, here's the kicker: If you were never born, I would have been able to "truly be myself, to be happy".
What parent could ever imagine uttering those words to a child, to a PERSON they are supposed to love unconditionally? That is unthinkable, right? Well, just change the context and roles, and you have spouses. No difference in terms of the pain and trauma experienced by a BS, IMO.
I don't know if you ever get over your WS saying they love someone else.
Very true! Here's the thing. You don't ever "get over" those hurtful things. I just don't think it's possible without, say, a lobotomy. What you can do is choose to accept that those things were done to you, that they were incredibly hurtful and devastating, but that in order to move forward with life, you have to allow those acts of emotional abuse to be resigned to the past (i.e., not in the present or future). And the way in which to do so is by forgiveness. Forgiveness is really about YOU (not the other person). It's about accepting and believing that very bad things that were done to you can no longer live WITH you - in the present - but will forever remain in the past. And that you will no longer harbor ill will, anger or resentment. After all, we can't change what has happened to us. But we can change how to choose to live our lives and view ourselves.
Let me be clear - it in no way justifies or excuses the devastation inflicted upon you by your WH. Nor does it mean you must R with him (hell, even if you D your WH sometime down the road for doing this to you, you would be encouraged to forgive, as you don't have to harbor those feelings for the rest of your life). It simply means you are choosing to no longer allow that abuse to exist in the present.
I know quite a few people who have forgiven spouses, even though they have divorced, because they don't want to live with resentment, bitterness, etc. I think I subscribe to that theory - I don't want to live with those atrocious acts swirling around in my present mind for the rest of my life. Because whether or not my WW and I fully R and move on with a happy marriage (note: we are currently a few months into R, and it's going well), I must make the choice to forgive so that I am unburdened by the devastating effects of trauma, abuse, lies, and betrayal.
Hope that helps.
[This message edited by Theradin at 3:06 PM, May 14th (Tuesday)]