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Reconciliation Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: Does it really matter if your M was happy?
libertyrocks
♀ Member
Member # 38924
Default  Posted: 3:10 PM, May 13th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I see a lot of posts of how BS thought everything was fine, even sex. I understand how even "happy" spouses experience infidelity.

But, what about the M that were mutually unhappy?

Is there something to be said about whether or not we were all "happy" when A's took place. I'm just sitting here thinking on a Monday...

I know for a fact, WH and I were absolutely miserable for last 3 years when all his A's took place...My profile will explain.

What about you? Were you happy?

[This message edited by libertyrocks at 3:11 PM, May 13th (Monday)]


Me-BW 36. STBXH-35,Recovering Alcoholic, M6yrs T13. Boys 2 & 4 1/2.
DDay #1 Nov,2012. 1 1/2 year false R & TT. 10 OW PA's 1LTA (W lied to) 3 years.
S Nov, 2013 again Jan,2014
Filed for D Feb,2014.

Posts: 962 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: So Cal, baby. :)
WWMEH13
♀ Member
Member # 38722
Default  Posted: 3:19 PM, May 13th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

No, neither of us was happy. He was indulging in self destructive behavior as was I. Both of us lacked the proper coping and communication skills, or apparently the strong enough desire to deal with our unhappiness. In fact, I remember one night, soon before the A began, I reached over to him while we were in bed at night, and asked if was happy, to which he replied yes.

He would tell me in MC after DDay that he was not at that time, and he wished that he could have seen what a cry for help it was.


WW - 38
BH - 38
EA/PA - 8 months
Married 4 years together 7
2 Ddays, same AP last one in December 2012
NC - 2/1/2013
DS - 2 years old

Status - Divorcing


Posts: 80 | Registered: Mar 2013 | From: USA
karmahappens
♀ Member
Member # 35846
Default  Posted: 3:20 PM, May 13th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Happy, yeah I was on fucking cloud nine.

The week before dday I was at work talking about my life with a co-worker. I said I couldn't believe my life was so wonderful, that I was so lucky but afraid that something bad was gonna happen....

BAM...it hit me lol, dday! I was happy,in my fairytale mind... but I was in such denial. My life was a sham and I had my head so far in the sand I couldn't breathe..

SO happy, on the surface.

Now, I am blessed. It takes time and lots of hard work. I don't think it matters if you were outwardly miserable or hiding the dirty stuff under a rock. If you and your partner want, really want R it will happen.

If you don't, he doesn't...you will still find happiness liberty, just down a different path.

All the answers will come in time, the dreaded 4 letter word.

(((hugs)))


“And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom”
Anaďs Nin
Me: 45
Him: 47
Dday 8/2007
We have R'd

Posts: 3810 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: Massachusetts
crazyblindsided
♀ Member
Member # 35215
Default  Posted: 3:20 PM, May 13th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

We had many ups and downs since the birth of our daughter and then when my WH started his business and had no time for me and kids we started to distance. Sex life dwindled you know the drill.

I don't think it matters if the M was miserable. It's time to go to counseling then or file D, but an A? I think an A just guarantees a M ending as that is what they are designed to do.

My WH always says to me "but I never envisioned my life without you" Um alrighty then! I guess he was planning on just having girlfriends on the side


BS/FWS (me):40 Madhatter
WS/BS:42 Serial Cheater
Together 18 years, Married 13
DD(10) DS(7)
DDay(s) 5/08, 5/09, 3/30/12
Final Dday 7/11/14 Affair never ended

Posts: 2266 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: California
libertyrocks
♀ Member
Member # 38924
Default  Posted: 3:37 PM, May 13th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

He still goes back in forth,
"I thought you were going to leave me" to "I knew we would work it out." I should have left when our first baby born so he could go out and date since he never got to do that...He had his cake and ate it too.


Me-BW 36. STBXH-35,Recovering Alcoholic, M6yrs T13. Boys 2 & 4 1/2.
DDay #1 Nov,2012. 1 1/2 year false R & TT. 10 OW PA's 1LTA (W lied to) 3 years.
S Nov, 2013 again Jan,2014
Filed for D Feb,2014.

Posts: 962 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: So Cal, baby. :)
LA44
♀ Member
Member # 38384
Default  Posted: 3:49 PM, May 13th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

To answer your question LR....I was not very happy and neither was he. I felt like we were going through the motions....sex was something I did - as opposed to enjoyed (although I REALLY wanted to enjoy it, I felt something was "off" between us and I just felt uncomfortable - guess the spidey sense was somewhat working!).

Prior to him starting the A, our M had undergone many "critical life changes" including a new baby and move away from a big family/friends. We were not talking about things to the extent we needed to be. Many boundaries were being crossed. My response would be to blow up or retreat and go into silent mode. The majority of the time I did the latter. I grew to resent him.

Sickening enough, when his A was coming to a close, I was considering one. I did not know who it would be with but I felt very lonely and in need of attention. That is the first time I have ever written that. I have told my H this.

By 2012, he was "back". He seemed more attentive, loving. He was actually being much more emotional. When he got angry, he would express it. It took me by surprise. My fantasy of some other person, dwindled. I still felt something was missing between us but could not pin-point it. There were more good times then bad. More togetherness then not in 2012.

I am so glad I discovered the A in Dec. 2012. We have another shot at our M. We really want R.

Thanks for asking the question. Guess I needed to get this out.
LA

[This message edited by LA44 at 3:52 PM, May 13th (Monday)]


Me: 44
He: 47 WH
Married: 15 years
D Day: December 2012
Affair: Fall 2009 - Dec. 2011
R is not linear

Posts: 2290 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: Canada, eh
hobbeskat
♀ Member
Member # 38805
Default  Posted: 3:51 PM, May 13th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Nope, was miserable. The first few months of our marriage have been a disaster. Not through lack of love but circumstances and we were not strong enough. It was a huge, huge comedown after our wedding, we expected so much more from married life. I didn't realise how miserable as, in the light of the A, I mentally rewrote history a bit. Then I read some messages I sent to a friend. We were miserable but he was being a total d1ck about it all. It was horrible. Things are better between us now in some ways.

[This message edited by hobbeskat at 3:51 PM, May 13th (Monday)]


Posts: 308 | Registered: Mar 2013
phoenix54
♂ Member
Member # 36574
Default  Posted: 3:56 PM, May 13th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Our M was not in a good place pre d-day. I can tell you that I was definitely unhappy and my WW has said the same.

In retrospect, I can't say I'm shocked about her A although I was certainly devastated at the time. I guess it's easy to say in hindsight.

That said, I don't want to engage in a revisionist history of our M. We did have a lot of good times over the years including the birth of our children.

In the end, it really doesn't matter whether we were happy or not. Cheating is never an option.

[This message edited by phoenix54 at 3:58 PM, May 13th (Monday)]


BH: 45 (me)
WW: 43
11 month PA/EA
4 children
D-day: 5/4/12
Married: 17 years
Trying to reconcile

Posts: 436 | Registered: Aug 2012
libertyrocks
♀ Member
Member # 38924
Default  Posted: 4:07 PM, May 13th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

GOOD, LA44. Let it all out.

I too, felt the same, flirting with the idea of a A. But, I know I wouldn't do it. The thought still makes me feel wanted and desired. But, I like the part that makes me a good person inside too much to do it.


Me-BW 36. STBXH-35,Recovering Alcoholic, M6yrs T13. Boys 2 & 4 1/2.
DDay #1 Nov,2012. 1 1/2 year false R & TT. 10 OW PA's 1LTA (W lied to) 3 years.
S Nov, 2013 again Jan,2014
Filed for D Feb,2014.

Posts: 962 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: So Cal, baby. :)
TrustGone
♀ Member
Member # 36654
Default  Posted: 4:15 PM, May 13th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

At the time I thought we were happy. Sure we had our ups and downs, but nothing major. We hardly ever fought, and after the miserable marriage to XWH#1 it was like heaven most of the time. I guess thats why I was so devastated on DDay.

I now have taken off the rose-colored glasses and see my marriage in a whole new light as well as my WH#2. He is a very selfish man with more issues than I know how to deal with. He can be very loving most of the time, but there is always the extreem selfishness and lack of self-esteem there now that I didn't see before his A. I guess we switched places, now he acts happy and I am now the unhappy one in the marriage. I really liked my rose-colored glasses and miss them everyday.


BW-50
WH#2-51
M-9 yrs T-11 yrs
4 children-none together
DD#1-9/5/11 LTA 2yrs
DD#2-7/3/12 False R
DD#3-4/29/13 (OW broke NC)
Status: Your guess is as good as mine.

Posts: 2420 | Registered: Aug 2012 | From: Texas
Wonderingwhy11
♀ Member
Member # 34782
Default  Posted: 6:40 PM, May 13th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

We also had our ups and downs. I knew he felt we were not financially secure – even though we had more than most. I knew he wanted more in life and I was content with our comfortable middle class life. I now know he was insecure and felt he had to continue to push for more income. He became discontent and would not talk to me about it. I was happy with what I was doing – working part time and being home when the kids were out of school. I felt I was contributing to our household. I am not a big spender. I didn’t want the big house and fancy car. But he did and was unhappy that I wasn’t killing myself to get us there. Everything I have read about WS behavior I think is true. My WS admits it was not my fault and I did not deserve being cheated on. He admits he was unrealistic and is learning to be happy with where we are at. It doesn’t matter if the marriage was miserable or the appearance of being a happy marriage. The decision to cheat has nothing to do with being happy or unhappily married.


Me BW - 46
Him WH - 53
Together 23 yrs, Married 18
DDay August 2011
2 kids - 13 and 15

Gotta love the life that we livin'


Posts: 376 | Registered: Feb 2012
Uneek
♀ Member
Member # 38416
Default  Posted: 8:10 PM, May 13th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

We'd had our ups and downs, and when I had my EA, no, I wasn't happy at all. I tried to talk to him but he blew me off so instead of trying again or telling him flat out I was miserable, I turned to someone who was willing to lay on the compliments.

When he had his EA, I was totally happy - but that's the thing, it was my personally being happy. My job was great, overall my own life was going well...but I was blind to the fact that my husband was miserable and that my happiness made him feel even worse. I projected my happiness onto him, which is especially easy to do when you only see someone twice a week.


Posts: 114 | Registered: Feb 2013
Skan
♀ Member
Member # 35812
Default  Posted: 8:38 PM, May 13th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I thought we were content. To outsiders, we looked like THAT couple crazy in love, always holding hands, etc. But the truth was that we were in trouble for about 4 years before DDay. We were drawing apart. Our sex life grew sparse and then almost non-existant. We were in the same room, but worlds apart. I was unhappy, I was afraid, I actually told FWH that we might as well divorce the month that he had his ONS. I was bitter and afraid and frustrated. He was shut down, repressed (clinically depressed), and only lived for his on-line porn.

Both of us agree, that had I not caught him, he would have continued on, and we probably would not be together today. One of the things that he frequently tells me, is that he is so grateful that he got caught. I think that he was trying to get caught, personally. He is an IT specialist and I'm not that good with technology. Yet everthing I needed to catch him was right at my fingertips. I just had to look. He also admits that he should have listened to me when I asked him to see a doctor for depression or to go to counciling. Ah well, water under the bridge ....

As scarring as this last year has been, as much as it just fricking hurts, we have something better rising from the ashes. Could we have built this new relationship without such a shocking end to our old relationship? I don't honestly know. And that's a bitter realization.


Imagine a ship trying to set sail while towing an anchor. Cutting free is not a gift to the anchor. You must release that burden, not because the anchor is worthy, but because the ship is.

D-Day, June 10, 2012



Posts: 4805 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: So California
jellybean22
♀ New Member
Member # 38732
Default  Posted: 8:52 PM, May 13th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

We were not happy. Hadn't been for some time. He allowed himself to believe I wanted a divorce while I was looking for a MC and hoping to fix it. That's when his A happened.

I would have been devastated, but I sometime wish he'd asked for a divorce rather than cheat. Maybe we could have fixed it, I don't know. But bringing that third person into it all really destroyed me. Everything is different now as you all unfortunately know also.


Me: 37 BS
Him: 38 WH
M: 11 years, T: 17
2 boys
DDay: 3/11/13
Status: In MC/R, Retrouvaille graduates

I'm not what I ought to be. I'm not what I want to be. I'm not what I hope to be. But thank God, I'm not what I used to be.


Posts: 43 | Registered: Mar 2013 | From: Limbo
NoraLee
♀ Member
Member # 37922
Default  Posted: 8:58 PM, May 13th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I was so unhappy - I actually told my friend that I wish my H would meet someone and want a divorce (I always feared H was make D messy)

Well didn't my wish come true! (should've wished for a lottery win instead!) of course - I was not relieved, but devastated and set to work to save the M.

We were both miserable for years, resentful of each other and not willing to sacrifice for each other - it was a vicious cycle.

[This message edited by NoraLee at 8:59 PM, May 13th (Monday)]


Me - BW - 44
Him - FWH - 42
Married 16 years
D day - 1/2 truth - July 2012
Full disclosure - August 2012
EA with skanky waitress coworker
3 kids - 14, 16, 21
In R

Posts: 791 | Registered: Dec 2012 | From: Canada
sisoon
♂ Member
Member # 31240
Default  Posted: 9:05 PM, May 13th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sure it matters - the better the M, the more likely R will succeed.

Shirley Glass, infidelity recovery guru , says As happen in good Ms when there are poor boundaries.

I loved my W; I thought she was the cat's meow, without being blind to her faults.

W was happy with me, without being blind to my faults, but FOO issues prevented her from being happy. She met the wrong person, let down her defenses, and our lives imploded.

[This message edited by sisoon at 9:06 PM, May 13th (Monday)]


fBH (me) - 70 (22 in my head), fWW (plainsong) - 65+, Married 45+, together since 1965
DDay - 12/2010
Recovered, not yet fully R'ed
I share my own experience because it's the only experience I know, not because I'm a good model.

Posts: 10101 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: Chicago area
rachelc
♀ Member
Member # 30314
Default  Posted: 9:06 PM, May 13th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Most of you are closer to your Ddays than I am yet your posts are more accepting and forgiving than my state of mind.... How do you get past that this is now part of your marital history?
Maybe this would be easier if my marriage was crap before everything happened. But it really wasn't too bad....


his Dday: 2/10
my Ddays: 1/12, 4/12 broken NC 12/12

me (WW/BS): 48
him: (BS/WH)52
4 kiddos in mid 20's

Me: I didn't sign up for this.
Him: you're already in this. All you can do is resign...


Posts: 4948 | Registered: Dec 2010
jjsr
♀ Member
Member # 34353
Default  Posted: 9:49 PM, May 13th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Nope we weren't in a good place. He has the EA 7 yrs before the ONS and we weren't doing too well. We had a lot of different things going on thru those years, military wise, death, illnesses, kids leaving to go to college. It contributed.


Me: BS
Him: WS
Married since 1985
Parents to 2 adult sons and 3 of the cutest cats you have ever seen
D-day 8/6/11 Truth about ONS and 9/21/11 Truth about EA
Trying to reconcile

Posts: 1632 | Registered: Dec 2011 | From: midwest now.
losingmyground
♀ Member
Member # 36070
Default  Posted: 11:08 PM, May 13th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Was I happy? No. Was I unhappy? No. It was just flat line.

I wanted more hugs, kisses, Os and such, but our house is busy and full of love. I never suspected anything.

Now I know "why" he considered it an option and he knows "why" it was never an option in my eyes.


Married 13 yrs
3 kids 13, 10 & 1
I'm 34
FWH 37
Affair lasted 6 months
Ended 09/2011
Found out 06/2012
My father died during the affair
In the middle of Reconcilliation

Posts: 291 | Registered: Jul 2012
joeboo
♂ Member
Member # 31089
Default  Posted: 11:25 PM, May 13th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

No, neither of us were very happy. Looking back I know I wanted to be and couldn't figure out why nothing I did ever seemed to matter. Well now I know it didn't matter because she didn't want to be married to me. She resented me because I was not more like "them" or I wasn't one of them and never really understood her snide remarks until after d-day. Strange thing is that only about a week ago, fww was saying that she thought we had a good marriage back then. I think she did too.

My point...., I think you have to have something to salvage. You can't rebuild a mirage. And, as someone on SI has a tag line that says something like: 'If you don't have a good foundation, don't bother trying to fix the roof'.

Quite frankly this is probably the most confusing part for me. My wife can be a fun person to be with, but not a very good wife. I don't think it has much to do with her ability to be either, just a choice of her preference I guess. Its tough for me to wrap my thoughts around rebuilding a relationship that didn't favor a marriage. There is not really much in the past that I really want.


Posts: 1211 | Registered: Feb 2011
Topic Posts: 32
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