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Reconciliation Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: Does it really matter if your M was happy?
OnAnIsland
♀ Member
Member # 34319
Default  Posted: 11:47 PM, May 13th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Before the A? I thought we had a good marriage before the A. I was struggling emotionally. The year before the A, we moved away from my work, our friends and family. In that move, i became a sahm without any social support, and a husband who was not responsive to my needs or calls for help. I was trying to build a new life but was not well suited for that endeavor. We were not communicating well.

I now understand from him that he had been unhappy for some time. But he had never spoken with me about his discontent. I also now understand that he had decided before the A not to respond to my requests for help navigating the new country where we lived. He spoke the language here when we moved. I did not.


D-day: Christmas 2011
D-day 2: 3/28/2013

Married for over 15 years
2 beautiful boys in elementary school

You may not control all the events that happen to you, but you can decide not to be reduced by them. Maya Angelou


Posts: 1479 | Registered: Dec 2011
Dancetilldawn
♀ New Member
Member # 36980
Default  Posted: 4:27 AM, May 14th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I would say I was proud of my M and proud of my kids. I sacrificed a lot for those good feelings. As with any marriage we had our problems and the problems you can't control. I have a special needs son, (sucks the life out of you) and a daughter that is athletically talented. Big dreams. It was/is a balancing act. I had a lot of good stuff going on around me. I knew it! I still see the good stuff! I did all the heavy lifting for the family for years. In 2003, WS career started to take off. Basically more money means more traveling. This is when his first A was and he quit smoking pot. The A was a ONS with a business acquaintance at a convention. Nothing for 5 years( I am told) Then a promotion in 2008, lots of traveling. But he started to really show some great H and father qualitys. This is when the string of Multi A's started. I was so proud that I stopped telling him what I needed. The old, pick your battles. I just did more to make his life easier. I loved him, I trusted him, we were going places together in life. Now after DDay's I realize how emotionally unavailable he was and how crazy my lifestyle was.

Our sex life was every couple of months but it was good. During the A years ( 2008-2011) he would go limp. Then feel really bad. He would say "What's wrong with me". I did some research and found out his blood pressure med's had this side effect. Poor Guy! We didn't talk about it because I didn't want him to feel bad. On DDay #1 he said they messed around but he couldN't get it up. Now I know that he had fully orgasmic sex.

I am still proud of him. He has done really well in his career. He does love us. He try's in his broken way to be more of a H/ father. So in essence, when he is home he takes good care of the Rug. He just doesn't have the tools to clean the dirt underneath. I can't stand rug sweeping!

I am left in moral limbo!


BS 42 WH 45
BD 15 BS 18
D day #1 2/14/12
D day #2 5/17/12
married 18 years
At least 5 OW over 10 years
I am dedicated to my family, always have
been. I did not deserve this!

Posts: 37 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: USA
cantaccept
♀ Member
Member # 37451
Default  Posted: 5:34 AM, May 14th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I would definitely say our M was in a very bad place. We were distant, just going through the motions. H was unable to express emotions except as anger and I was unable to stand up to him.

I did try to reach out many times but it was not received well. I grew afraid, walking on eggshells.

Now my challenge, goal is to say what I feel regardless of the consequences and his is to express real emotions.

There are so many issues to deal with, sometimes it seems insurmountable.

I will never allow that treatment again, so time will tell.

I am learning what I want and deserve and it is up to him to either step up or not. I realize now that I have choices too.


"So often times it happens, that we live our lives in chains and we never even know we have the key"

I would now like to be known as Can!

dday October 21,2012
dday December 20, 2013
wh boots5050
attempted R, it was all a lie

Divor


Posts: 1425 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: Connecticut
LA44
♀ Member
Member # 38384
Default  Posted: 7:21 AM, May 14th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

This is a really helpful post. Thanks again, LR.

JoeBoo - your wife sounds like my Mom. I LOVE my mom...she too is a fun person - but I don't think a great wife. I never felt like she had my "dad's back". They are still married.

RachelC: You noted we sound more forgiving then you feel and asked, How do you get "past" this in ther marriage. I have not forgiven my H yet. Hell, I have not even accepted most of it. But if I wait until I do that before I act more loving, it will never happen. I hope one day we look back and say that we had a solid marriage that lost its way but in spite of that, we re-built it and made it stronger.

DancetillDawn: Some of your comments resonate with me. I too did the "heavy lifting". Interesting how your H was succeeding in biz and yet the A's were going on. Our "best" summer was when the A was at its height. That makes me very sad.

Onanisland: Yes. Totally. Been there. Moved to a new province (spoke the language tho) and felt like a fish out of water. We did NOT talk about the move enough nor did we talk about the challenges. My H was unhappy - but did I know how much? No way.

[This message edited by LA44 at 7:25 AM, May 14th (Tuesday)]


Me: 44
He: 47 WH
Married: 15 years
D Day: December 2012
Affair: Fall 2009 - Dec. 2011
R is not linear

Posts: 2461 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: Canada, eh
HormonalWoman
♀ Member
Member # 29265
Default  Posted: 7:49 AM, May 14th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

No i wasn't happy. Unfortunately i didn't know that he wasn't either. I wanted some time apart but was scared to ask. I thought he was happy and that if i asked him to leave he might think i was treating him badly and not come back. I decided to wait as i knew he was going away for work for a couple of months. It gave me all the space i needed to realise i loved him and wasn't putting much into the marriage (you only get out what you put in right?). Unfortunately it was too late as it was this work trip he had his affair. If only we had been honest with each other in the first place


Together 14 yrs
BW - Me
WH - Him
3 Children
DD 20th June 2010 actual affair was early 2008 for roughly 10 wks.

Posts: 246 | Registered: Aug 2010 | From: UK
happierdays
♀ Member
Member # 38537
Default  Posted: 10:24 AM, May 14th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Our marriage wasn't unhappy, but it also wasn't really satisfying. Mostly it was going through the motions of the day to day grind. With maybe half a dozen dates in 6 years of marriage, sex that was mediocre, infrequent and rarely good for me. In hindsight we were both selfish and are both guilty of doing nothing to fix what we had.

We also both had the choice to remain faithful... or not.


Me - 40
WH - 41
Dday - Oct 7, 2012
Dday 2 - June 4, 2013
Married - 7 years
2 daughters, 9 years old and 1 month old

Posts: 145 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: Canada
happierdays
♀ Member
Member # 38537
Default  Posted: 10:24 AM, May 14th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Duplicate post

[This message edited by happierdays at 11:01 AM, May 14th (Tuesday)]


Me - 40
WH - 41
Dday - Oct 7, 2012
Dday 2 - June 4, 2013
Married - 7 years
2 daughters, 9 years old and 1 month old

Posts: 145 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: Canada
pewpewpew
♀ Member
Member # 38116
Default  Posted: 11:30 AM, May 14th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

This is something that still completely baffles me.
Yes we were very happy. Both of us.
I was just looking at a card he had got me 1 month before the A started. It was so beautiful. Full of mush.


ME: 30
WH: 35

Fool me once - Shame on you. Fool me twice - pack your shit and get out.


Posts: 310 | Registered: Jan 2013
rachelc
♀ Member
Member # 30314
Default  Posted: 11:33 AM, May 14th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

we had very loving pictures taken of ourselves professionally - the day before he met OW#1. He looked at me like he loved me...
I had no idea... I can hardly stand to look at them now...


his Dday: 2/10 but TT until 7/11
my Ddays: 1/12, 4/12 broken NC 12/12

me (WW/BS): 48
him: (BS/WH)52
4 kiddos in mid 20's

“Follow your intuition. Be smart, be brave. Tell the truth and don’t take any shit.”


Posts: 5280 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: Midwest
struggling3
♀ Member
Member # 34671
Default  Posted: 12:11 PM, May 14th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am in the extreme minority here except for pewpewpew...I read that pretty much noone was happy. There were problems in the marriage of some sort. I had none of that and I get you pewpewpew...it is what totally baffles me....and him to tell you the truth. He has uncovered no revelation in either MC or IC...totally loves me...nothing wrong whatsoever. Pretty much just went with something that was offered to him out of the blue. Quick trip down the slippery slope...stopped from going physical and told her that wasn't happening.

With all of that being said, I really struggle with how someone who will admit to having everything in life that they want can go there. The glass half full part of me (I am basically a real optimist...even after all this shit) thinks that I am lucky that we are not having to do a ton of work to fix what was wrong in the marriage to begin with. Our focus has been on boundaries and the such. So in answer to does it matter if your marriage was happy....No it doesn't matter in as far as it does not protect this from happening but I think it has to help with the healing if the marriage was happy and healthy (so to speak)


Me - BS 55
H - WS 57/very remorseful and supportive
Kids 29, 26, 22
D-Day 8-5-11
discovered 4 month long EA
R - slow and steady but very optimistic

Posts: 319 | Registered: Jan 2012 | From: New Jersey
broken123
♀ New Member
Member # 27994
Default  Posted: 12:16 PM, May 14th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Nope, neither of us where happy, at the time of WH A. I believe his A was an exit A.


BS Me (38) now
WS Him(41), now
4 children 2DD & 2DS
DD 7/2008
Working on R.

Posts: 35 | Registered: Mar 2010
so_lost
♀ Member
Member # 7726
Default  Posted: 1:13 PM, May 14th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

We were just starting to figure out married life. We were in love and best friends. Had only been married 2 years and then his mom died and turned his whole world upside down. He couldn't open up to me about his grief (and still struggles with expressing his emotions). Instead he started an affair with a gal at his work, who had also lost a parent young. Completely shut me out and let this woman pursue him relentlessly. So sad.

I have friends tell me...it's so obvious your husband adores you. Little do they know the pain I've struggled with since D-day. I wonder what a marriage without infidelity looks and feels like. What would it be like to just deal with the everyday ups and downs of life without the scars of infidelity? What a frickin waste!

[This message edited by so_lost at 7:18 PM, May 14th (Tuesday)]


D-day April 2005, R.
Me-BS 37
Him-FWH 37, 8 month EA/PA with coworker. Married 2 yrs at the time.
2 kiddos after D-day, Married 11 years.


Posts: 262 | Registered: Jul 2005
Topic Posts: 32
Pages: 1 · 2

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