Frankly, I would not want this girl around the house, either. I'm not saying that's the best thing to do, I'm just acknowledging that I would also be uncomfortable with it.
Sometimes it's hard to balance our discomfort with being careful not to harm others. I do feel this girl should be protected, though, just in case.
Hopefully, someone here will have some more practical advice for you.
I don't think you're overreacting. I would feel the same way.
His feeling are hurt, and he feels that I am trying to control him, and by taking away my DD's friend I am punishing her.
HIS feelings are hurt. He had an A and HIS feelings are hurt. Never mind YOUR feelings? Never mind the child's welfare?
YOU are punishing her???
From some viewpoints, you would be protecting her.
Your WH needs to step up to the plate and own up to his failures and weakness.
Our WH's brokenness just never goes away, does it?
I'd be curious what course of action you decide to take.
[This message edited by Ladyogilvy at 5:33 PM, May 13th (Monday)]
If he doesn't understand that is proper to do, then I think you have a larger problem than this girl.
First, I reread my post, and it sounded harsher than I intended. I apologize. I empathized so much, my tendency was to lash out.
Second, I see it was your DD that your H felt would be punished, not the DD's friend.
It sounds like you have good insight into the situation.
My point is if the girl's behavior is inappropriate in your house and your daughter is very close to her, you might let her know that you won't tolerate that type of behavior and she won't be invited back again if it happens anymore. Explain that you do not flirt with someone else's husband or boyfriend. It's obviously a lesson she needs to learn and you may be the only one willing to explain it to her. My guess is that girl is desperate for male attention (absent father, uninvolved father, etc) and you'll be the first person to call her out on it.
As for your husband, well, your kids are going to have friends come in and out of their lives. You can't ban every friend or girlfriend to keep him from misbehaving once they turn eighteen. To me, your best course of action when behavior is inappropriate is to note the behavior and let the offender know you saw the behavior and you won't tolerate it. Explain what your consequences are for similar behavior in the future and enforce it if it happens again.
Incidentally, the girl I described is still my daughter's best friend and I love her dearly. She appreciated any guidance I ever gave her because she had very little at home. She is now engaged to a pastor's son. Sometimes, those of us who are interested parents are the only guidance some of our kids' friends ever get.
[This message edited by Tearsoflove at 6:45 PM, May 13th (Monday)]
DD#2: 9/28/2010 with a follow up on 1/28/2011 where he decided to come clean about the EA actually being a PA.
The OW could have been anybody and both turned out to be nobody special.
[This message edited by Tearsoflove at 6:44 PM, May 13th (Monday)]
It's not that your H will peruse a 13 yr old,it's about respecting
DD 6/26/10 (he broke down & confessed)
DD#2 3/14/11 H in OW's car
TT 7/1/11 (NC broken, through emails)
Lifechange, I understand the lash out, that was my first instinct as well. I appreciate your input.
ladyogilvy, I agree, there is no need for my WH to be friendly with any females.
Rebreahter, I agree he should have shut it down. He did walk away with out a word, embarresed, and stayed away for the rest of the night.
Tearsoflove, Thank you, This is the approach I will be using. You are right this young girl, does not come from the same background that we have here, and I don't think she realizes how much her actions, effected me. I am glad that your DD BFF is still her best friend, and that the situation worked out. It gives me hope, that this too will work out.
Offhispedestal, It is about respect. Your story about the young 19 year old calling your WH, and the way you responded is exactly how I want to respond to this situation, thank you.
WH, and I ended up having a "blow out" about this, because I felt so vulnerable to this situation. Our road had not been easy, but we are so much better then we where even before the A. I haven't even triggered for quite a while now. This was a surprise for me and my WH. After I realized that this really isn't about my WH, it is about the situation. I am not ok with anybody, in my house acting inappropriate, in anyway! (Rather it is with clothing or sexual gestures.) My WH agrees with me. He feels very uncomfortable, and respects what ever decision I make. However, I didn't feel validated in my feelings or my trigger at all, and so I started to fight for my rights, to have him "be on my side". After I read the replies here, I realized I was "fighting" about the wrong thing. I do trust that my WH would never do anything like he did before, and I also believe that my DD friend, doesn't understand the full extent of her actions.
The next time she is here, I am going to explain to her that, that type of action will not be tolerated in my home, ever. If she ever acts that way or in any other way that is inappropriate, she will not be welcomed back to my home. period. My WH says he will shut her down in her tracks if she ever does anything that would make him, or I feel uncomfortable. I feel satisfied with this now, and again want to say thank you for everyone's advise I don't know if I could have got to the root of the problem without the advise.
I wish u and your hubby the best and its my prayer that ur husband isnt encouraging this lil girls behavior in any way......