However, I think she oversimplifies things here, I much prefer Janis Abrams Spring's discussion of this topic in "After the Affair." Se advocates telling unless there are circumstances of potential violence or other rare situations.
Lying is the enemy of intimacy. By intimacy, I don't mean sex but emotional intimacy. When you have parts of yourself from your spouse, you erect walls. That eventually leads to a serious weakening of the marriage.
I would encourage you to continue to read and especially to interact with those WSs that have successfully reconciled, They can give you the benefit of their experiences and help you see the best path to take.
I wish you much peace with your healing.
And that, of course, resulted in further dissatisfaction, on his part. And additional infidelities.
You can remain married with secrets and lies.
But you can't have a real, fulfilling, honest marriage built on a foundation of respect and honesty. You won't have emotional intimacy.
You will erect a wall between you. She will sense it. It may or may not lead to more infidelity. But it WILL, effectively, end your marriage---whether you stay together or not.
I wish it were different. I really do.
But making this decision for your wife is hugely wrong.
[This message edited by solus sto at 7:25 PM, May 13th (Monday)]
Emotional intimacy will never, ever, ever be accomplished with these hidden truths or giant white lies.
Doesn't matter if a WS finds the whys, commits 100000% to the marriage, and never cheats another day in their life. They are still hiding a massive lie.
I dunno about you, but I've had enough lies in my life. And as sucky as it's been, confessing was the best thing I ever could have done. Because until I got real and honest, our marriage didn't have a snowball's chance in hell at surviving. I can't even begin to imagine hiding an affair and trying to "make the marriage work". That's counter-productive eh? Hiding, but "working". Doesn't make any sense.
WS don't want to confess because they are scared. They don't want to face the consequences. They don't want to deal with the fall-out. It's too much of an "inconvenience" for everyone involved. All that screams, "Me, me, meeeeee." They claim to have the BS's interests at heart. "I don't want to hurt them." Tooooo late. The marriage is already toast.
"Courage is being scared to death and saddling up anyway." - J. Wayne
"What if I fall?" Oh but my darling, what if you fly?
That more than any author should be your guide.
[This message edited by Skye at 7:58 PM, May 13th (Monday)]
My wayward husband waited until his indiscretions had all been over for ~6 months to tell me the truth.
During the months he was cheating on me, and afterwards, up until the confession, I was so terribly confused and hurt. I am so glad that I know now.... it hurts, but it's good to know what was actually going on in my marriage; WHY he was acting the crazy way he was, WHY all of a sudden he was distant, cool; why something intangible had changed.
I deserve(d) to know the truth about what was going on in our relationship.
While things got better in our relationship prior to the confession, he never could completely connect with me. There was always something missing, preventing us from attaining true emotional intimacy. Now that "wall" seems to be gone, praise God. It never would have come down had he kept these secrets from me.
[This message edited by mysticpenguin at 12:31 AM, May 18th (Saturday)]
I SO wish my H had confessed. Instead, I found out and he really dragged out telling the truth. THAT really hurt our M and damaged trust.
Anyway, please read this thread: http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=495187
It's not about the initial confession, but I think it could be helpful to you.
Affair aside, don't your want to see if your spouse is truly happy in your marriage?? Why did you have the affair?? Just some things to think about. I fully respect your decision but how wonderful would it be to have a truly honest, trusting and healthy marriage hey :)
I wish my WH would tell me everything so we can build a much happier marriage together.
All the very best to you.
I've also read Janis Abrahms Spring's book "After the Affair" and thought her take was much better, too.
I can see what you mean about confessing - but really, what chance do you have to really work on yourself and your marriage if you don't confess?
I am not sure i would want to know.
I understand being unsure of feelings, After doing what I did and being who I am for so long I didn't and still don't always trust where my feelings come from. I want them to come from an honest authentic man that my wife, sons and I can be proud of.
So, sit on that question maybe for a bit and really decide if you could be happy living a fantasy.
You are definitely accepted here if you are committed to ending your affair however you will hear a lot of opposing opinions about your theory on not confessing. If you are looking to get a bunch of people on your side about not confessing that won't happen.
I didn't want to confess either. Pretty fucking glad I did though. The longer you keep that secret, the worse it gets. I could never live with the dark secret and thinking if only my husband knew, he would leave me. Well he does know and he didn't leave me. The real work began.
You say you are going to counselling? Does your wife know? Have you told her a lie about why you are going? Just an example of how lies are needed to cover up lies. She is probably already suspicious but she might ignore the red flags because she loves you. You are taking advantage of the trust she has for you
Do you think if you don't confess that you won't cheat again? Do you think that going to counselling and hiding your book reading is the answer?
From what I've learned in the past year is that society in general is ok with infidelity as a secret unless you get caught. And confessing relieves guilt only. That is fucked up thinking if you look closer at it. The person who loves you the most in life and is your family doesn't deserve the worst treatment of all. Lying about affairs is cruel to them and their belief that you are someone they thought they knew. My husband would have innocently gone along with life while I wallowed in my own guilt. In the months that I had my As and lied, he thought I was acting weird. Did he think I was cheating? No not his wife. Something else was wrong. The miscarriages , his absence for his work, or my work.. Something else he rationalized and explained away. When I confessed a light bulb went off in his head and went wow.... Now I know what's wrong!! It all made sense.
Now your wife... Maybe the same deal. She thinks oh my husband is stressed from late hours, family, bills etc. In reality your affair is the problem with you. If she is your soul mate, your love... She deserves the truth
I feel like I can talk a lot about this subject but realize it also falls on deaf ears. Whenever someone posted to me before I reached a point of wanting to confess it was hard to hear. How could this Internet stranger know what's best. They don't know me or my husband. But once I was willing to accept their advice to heart, I was able to gain strength with their support before and after confession. It was amazing to have the type of support on this site. You either want help or you don't. Debating a topic is one thing but accepting help is a whole other kettle of fish
The WW formerly known as messedupchick
In all of my focus on her, i lost touch with myself, and then lost my way and made a huge mistake. I am 100% responsible for the choices i have made in my life, and the choice to cross the line, no one made me do that but me....but to say that being and honest, authentic man that my sons and wife could be proud will set things right or fix things, just doesnt fully compute with me because i was that man and it didnt mean much.
[This message edited by Marriedman2013 at 9:59 PM, May 13th (Monday)]
[This message edited by Marriedman2013 at 10:06 PM, May 13th (Monday)]