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User Topic: Question about confessing
♀ Member
Member # 38815
Default  Posted: 10:38 PM, May 14th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Clearly there are two camps on this thread - those who believe that truth is absolute, including undisclosed events being lies by omission. The others believe that what you don't know won't hurt you.

I don't believe it's as black and white as that. I see it as a spectrum of evolving. Sometimes I find that the opinions on here are very forceful and adamant.

I do not deny that full disclosure is the way forward to a fulfilled and hopefully affair proof marriage. I also believe that if mm doesn't EVENTUALLY fully confess/disclose his affair that he's more vulnerable to another one. BUT, this is a process and intellectually one know's the theory behind "telling all" will lead to an authentic life full of integrity but there are also emotions and other dynamics involved that one needs to work through; fear, denial, unresolved anger, guilt, shame, protecting out of love or self-preservation. Whatever the stage may be at that time, please let's allow the process to take place and support that process. Perhaps it might be more helpful now (as many of you suggest) to help mm with his process and ask him questions that may lead to the end goal of confessing and allowing his BW to be fully part of what happens in their m.

There is another side to confessing all, which is my story. I confessed my A to my H who more or less has told me he doesn't want to know and is now walking around with his hands covering his ears in pain wishing everything could just go back to normal (which on the surface it has but obviously deep down everything is shattered). We are currently in limbo and although I'm petrified to give him the details (that he doesn't want to know)I know one day when the time is right and when he is ready I will have to in order for us to have any chance of a happy marriage with emotional intamacy.

According to him he wishes I could just deal with my issues and past indescretions and move on. Yes, he's in denial and yes he's hurting, of course he is he's human. But did I do the right thing by confessing? I think I did although HE may disagree (right now). Fact is, I made that decision for US as I know in the long-term it's for the best.

Posts: 362 | Registered: Mar 2013
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Member # 37611
Default  Posted: 10:31 PM, May 17th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi, I am a bs but I find the research and guilt you are going through refreshing.
Please tell your bs. For yourself and for her. It will suck. But, imagine she finds one little piece of evidence. She confronts you and you tell her just the basics. She will dig and find more. You will never truly trust you again.

For me it was a Victoria secret confirmation from 3 years previous. So obscure. But it broke everything. I will never know if my husband is telling the truth ever again. I wish to God he had set me down when I was telling him I was suspicious, with tears in his eyes, and told me every single thing he could remember. But he didn't, and now it doesn't matter what he tells me.

Good luck.

33 years old (Wh and me)
Married 10 years
2 children: 4yo and 1yo
Dday#1 10/28/12
Dday#2 12/24/12 (Merry Christmas)
Affair: 3+ years (as far as I know) w/my best friend of 14 years

Posts: 71 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: Beautifulmom
Heavy Sigh
♀ Member
Member # 34243
Default  Posted: 1:33 AM, May 18th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

This question has been completely aired and discussed. So, with you having decided to not tell, are there other issues to discuss that could help you?

The issues with roots into the affair are those you won't be discussing with your wife, so she will not make any moves to change, comfort or otherwise react to them. It will be difficult to address them without telling more fibs.

For example, If you are here to work on being dissatisfied with frequency or staidness of sex and to fill in the vacancy the OW left, then you will have to explain to your wife why suddenly you want an increase, when the past five years you were fine with frequency etc.

Then, if this were the case, you would wish to talk to a doctor about her anti-depressants, in case the type she takes impedes sex drive. Then explain to doc why no complaints for nearly five years until now. You'll have to lie to the doctor. Then you two would wish to talk to a counselor, if frequency of sex is an issue, or if she has difficulty being creative, which also means you have to lie (by omission) to the counselor.

And it's doubtful she will see the urgency of whatever issue you have in the marriage, when you were fine before as the affair covered your "needs" bases, which means she will not act on the issue as immediately as you would wish, or take it as seriously as you wish.

So be prepared for each step along the way: Lying to her by omission or about reasons/purposes behind requests. Then lying to others, if a doctor of counselor is sought.

Posts: 1917 | Registered: Dec 2011
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Member # 30346
Default  Posted: 7:52 AM, May 18th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

BS here. My EX had gay affairs. He felt just like you, what I didn't know wouldn't hurt me. Who the AP is, really makes no difference. I thought I wouldn't be welcome on this site since my situation is also different. What I discovered is the behavior patterns of WS are all the same.

The bottom line, my EX thought he was "protecting me from pain" and in reality it was much, much different. I knew there was something wrong, but he denied it "was him" because he didn't want to expose his secret life. He blamed me. Just as you are placing a LOT of blame on your W. How many times have you already mentioned she is depressed? My WS said I 'was mean" or "not happy" or "too busy with the kids".

He didn't want to lose his life, his cute wife, his cute kids, his big beautiful house, his standing in the community. He wanted to APPEAR like a really great guy. Just like you want to APPEAR like that too.

So, did I deserve to know that my husband was gay/bi and cheating on me with men? He thought I didn't. Take out the fact they were men...and replace with I don't deserve to know? Right? (We had a "normal" marriage, we maintained an active sex life even after 17 years together)

What is your fear if she finds out?

I did find out. My EX never confessed. I was contacted by the AP. Even after finding out about the A's, even a long term A, we tried to R. Ultimately, he couldn't handle the pain from me, and sought relief with a former AP. When I found out, I left and never looked back.

He told me he never thought that I would give him a chance after I knew everything. Well, he didn't know me very well. He put me in a box in order to have the A's. It was easier for him to think I was "mean", "sad", "busy" then to see me as someone confused and hurting and searching for the truth.

We are now 3 years out past D-day. I moved away from him 2 years ago. The first 2 years WS pretty much checked out and lived his new life. Now, he is seeing the devastation he caused. He told me just a week ago, (after we were trying to work on a summer visitation schedule and he was treating me nasty), I said, "Wow, you are grumpy!" His response, after about 15 minutes of silence, "I am sorry I fucked everything up."

I had more respect for him when we were trying to R than I ever did. When he was open and honest and trying.

He told me that he tried to do what you are doing. He had an early A 5 years previous, knew it was wrong and "wanted to stop". So he did. He says he felt like he was committed to the marriage...but he wasn't. He had to tell lies on top of lies to cover the A. I was questioning him because I could sense it. To "protect me", he lied. The lies snowballed. He hated himself a little more, then blamed me because I was questioning him. So, I would pull back because I knew something wasn't right. We went to therapy during this time to "work on the marriage". I discovered later he confessed to the therapist but forced her not to tell me. I thought we were working on the marriage, but in reality, he was just trying to "throw me off the scent", which in turn made me feel horrible about myself. I kept trying to be a better wife, since there "was nothing on his end", therefore I thought the problem in our marriage was ME. Maybe I WAS mean. So, I would try harder... and be met with no change on his end because the wall around protecting the affairs was high. Covering the truth is what destroyed the marriage.

I did deserve to know the truth. It was my marriage too.

Yes, if your wife finds out it will be a hard and rocky road. But, not an impossible road to travel. You may end up with an open, honest and mutually satisfying relationship. Read on SI how the successful people do it. The BS on here will tell you how to be successful. Listen to SI, and it is possible for your marriage to survive even with the truth out.

me...BS, 43 years old, 2 small kids
WS, 41, multiple gay affairs
M 15 years, together 17

"For whatever we lose, like a you or a me, it's always ourselves we find in the sea" ee cummings

Posts: 4182 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: South
♂ New Member
Member # 39254
Default  Posted: 9:40 AM, May 18th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am still here, reading everything and taking it all in. Cmego, and all the BS's that have weighed in, i appreciate your perspectives.

Posts: 21 | Registered: May 2013 | From: Midwest
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