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Newest Member: Trying84 (44942)

Reconciliation Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: wants to be top priority
Itsgoingtobeok
♂ Member
Member # 37664
Default  Posted: 9:50 PM, May 13th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My WW told me yesterday(mothers day)That she feels she is not my top priority ? My WW personal IC told her she needs to communicate with me better . I told my WW that right now I'm still in R and I need time to heal before I can make you my top priority . I really don't know how to read into her top priority comment.


BS-(52)
WS-49
married 28 yrs
Kid's -2
A- several
DD- 12-10-12
Starting recovery

"I don't understand the world today I don't understand what she needs I gave her everything she threw it all away" tom petty


Posts: 215 | Registered: Dec 2012 | From: Los Angeles
gonogo1
♀ Member
Member # 25518
Default  Posted: 10:59 PM, May 13th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Your WW is a jerk , selfish and self centered and showing little concern for you . Actually you and your M should be her top priority after what she has put you through .

Posts: 1623 | Registered: Sep 2009 | From: East Coast
losingmyground
♀ Member
Member # 36070
Default  Posted: 11:05 PM, May 13th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I would ask her so explain it further.

Have you allowed her to discuss why she felt the affair was even a choice?

I know that was one of big questions after I found out. Part of our reconciliation is making sure our marriage does not end up in that spot again. And it takes BOTH of us to do it.


Married 13 yrs
3 kids 13, 10 & 1
I'm 34
FWH 37
Affair lasted 6 months
Ended 09/2011
Found out 06/2012
My father died during the affair
In the middle of Reconcilliation

Posts: 291 | Registered: Jul 2012
Hurt2Deeply
♀ Member
Member # 38317
Default  Posted: 12:41 AM, May 14th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think she needs to give you time and space to heal and not pressure you. She certainly didn't make you her top priority!

She sounds like she is still very selfish. She needs to be treated with respect, but she shouldn't expect much support from you right now.

Unfortunately healing takes time.


Me BS 57
Him FWH 60
M 35 years
3 Adult kids
R

Posts: 93 | Registered: Jan 2013
confused615
♀ Member
Member # 30826
Default  Posted: 5:25 AM, May 14th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

This can't be a surprise. She has been nothing but selfish since dday.


BS(me)42
FWH 45
4 kids..21,20,11,10
M: June 2001
D-Day: 8/10/10
Status: Reconciling.

..that feeling you get in your stomach, when you heart's broken. It's like all the butterflies just died.


Posts: 7419 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: Indiana
numb&dumb
♂ Member
Member # 28542
Default  Posted: 9:28 AM, May 14th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

She isn't and should not be. YOU are your top priority. That is healthy. Even when you are healed you need to keep that up. The M you had before could have worked with that (in an slightly dysfunctional way) , but now it is a "new normal."

The new normal makes sure that you are strong enough that if she does it again you can leave the M. Dday is the wake up call that reminds us that we all have choices and can't control others. It also means we are wise enough not to invest so much of our self worth in another that we are lost when they let us down.

Naviete has left and shouldn't return.

She was trying to communicate with you, which is good. You gave her an answer. It is up to her to deal with answers to questions she does not like. Now that she has introduced the topic it is free to discuss, right ? Use that to ask her what she meant. Make sure you have a turn to share as well and why it concerns you so much. Look out for emotional blackmail (which it could be, but again it may not be). Ask, observe and then discuss some more.

Keep paying attention to how she acts, trust, but verify and ask for what you need from her. Allow her to bear witness to your feelings and you to hers.


Me-35 her-35

DS 1, DD 6
Dday 8/31/11. ONS that occurred 3 years earlier. Lied to for 3 years.

Every truth comes to light in a long enough timeline.


Posts: 2554 | Registered: May 2010
hardlessons
♂ Member
Member # 35025
Default  Posted: 10:29 AM, May 14th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I really don't know how to read into her top priority comment.

Don't. She is responsible for communicating her needs whether it is for a selfish reason or not. Sounds like she is looking for validation or whatever and that is her responsibility even on mothers day.

Hold to your boundaries and focus on your healing. I would ask her what she is going to do about that. Its her responsibility. Like losingmyground said, have her explain it, what exactly isn't she getting?


Me WH
Wife Tired Girl
3 adult sons
"a wayward...annnnd just a tad betrayed."

Posts: 880 | Registered: Mar 2012 | From: Arizona
Itsgoingtobeok
♂ Member
Member # 37664
Default  Posted: 1:25 PM, May 14th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My WW personal ic is having us use "speaker listener " . This is were my WW would tell me something and I have to paraphrase what I heard back to her . So I do understand how she feels but I'm not ready to give her the attention she is looking for.


BS-(52)
WS-49
married 28 yrs
Kid's -2
A- several
DD- 12-10-12
Starting recovery

"I don't understand the world today I don't understand what she needs I gave her everything she threw it all away" tom petty


Posts: 215 | Registered: Dec 2012 | From: Los Angeles
FeelingSoMuch
♂ Member
Member # 38814
Default  Posted: 2:08 PM, May 14th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I agree with numbanddumb.

Also, my WW is acting in a similar way to yours.

I tell her that she is important to me, but that right now I need to focus on healing myself.

I told her she's welcome to be happy and feel good even if I don't because of her actions. On the flip side of that, she doesn't get to tell me how to feel either. And right not I feel that my priority is me.

If she wants to do things together to strengthen the marriage, I'm all for it, but she needs to understand that I don't trust her yet.

She's told me that just because she had a long A it doesn't mean that I get to do whatever I want. That is true and I'm not doing anything to hurt her, except she now gets less attention from me. That attention, that effort, are all going into rebuilding me.

Life is all about personal responsibility. If you break your husband, you have to accept that you now have a broken husband.


Me: BH
Her: WW
Together since 2001, married since 2007.
D-day: Feb. 20, 2013.
Broke NC: 2 phone calls since
Today: In MC and IC, attempting R.
It got easier: They no longer work together.

Posts: 509 | Registered: Mar 2013 | From: Canada
Topic Posts: 9

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