Unfortunately I am still stuck trying to muddle through my own mess to offer much help, but wanted you to know you were heard.
My first thought was for you to seriously 180 her. If she really wants to go, there is nothing you can do to make her stay. Just take care of YOU!
Two rational choices.
1] Seek MC to talk over the issues that have led to this crisis. Both of you need to be prepared to change your stance towards your relationship. Beg or borrow the money, its your marriage thats at stake.
2] Take a firm, hard ass approach. Do the 180, do not beg or plead, cooperate in helping her to move. Maybe when she has had a few more affairs [thats whats going to happen], she will develop an appreciation for her former life with you; maybe.
Either way its going to be traumatic and painful; be prepared for that and keep posting for advice throughout.
I second what OK now said in #2. I think the hard-ass approach is the best way to go right now. 180 to protect yourself.
Sending (((HUGS))) and strength your way. Keep posting, it helps.
D-Day June 12th 2008, D-Day #2 Sept 28th
D-Day #3 Feb 15th & 16th 2010, D-Day #4 Nov 29th 2010
I've had to let go of Wh while he opted out of M and chose OW. I worked like a dog at the beginning to get him home and he was very clearly on the fence.
But if a WS is jumping off that fence onto OW/OM side, anything a BS says will likely backfire. And actually, anything I said or did fell on deaf and blind ears and eyes. This was long long ago and I do nothing now, but sometimes learning these things first hand is the way it has to work.
My threshold came when I would finally learn of an issue, try to fix it, only to get hurt more.
Yes, if you can find a way to "support" your Ws wishes, in a bizarre way you will come off in a better light than arguing. It will also be less drama for you and any family or kids, in the long run.
I think of STBXH kind of like a big kid, who I have to stand and watch make his mistakes, because he's spit on me and rejected any of my help.
Sorry if it's harsh, but sometimes I've also needed that sense of reality.
I think your W is searching for something she thinks her life needs, when it's probably her M she needs, but no one can tell her that but her, if her mind is thinking this or that and she's convinced herself.
STBXH convinced himself that changing the people in his life would solve his problems, but it didn't-it made them worse and bigger and he's hurting more and more people along the way.
And, if she stays living with you while you are both all mixed up, how good will it be for you or her to make choices and process your own thoughts so that you can work together, if you are both pent up inside and she's possibly still doing stuff without your knowledge?
I wish you luck and peace.
The times, they are'a changin'! -Bob Dylan
she said she will not give up her phone and will continue with her chats with whom ever she wants, and to get ready for what will probally be next.
If that's what she said, then take her at her word. Get yourself ready. Go see a lawyer, most offer free consultations. Get your ducks in a row. If she's not working what does she mean by get ready for what happens next? Is she looking to already move in with someone else so she can continue to not work?
How many children do you have, and what are their ages, if you don't mind my asking.
I've already started to look around for childcare options for my two when I can leave. It gets expensive. Some schools have a before/after school program.
I'm not sure how MC would help. She sounds like she already has one foot out the the door. If anything, I would seek IC instead, but that's just me.
Keep posting. We're here for you.
“The most difficult times for many of us are the ones we give ourselves.”
― Pema Chödrön
The 180 is easier sad than done as we all know.
One thing you said made me want to reply.
You cannot do anything to make her come back. We can't control the will of others. No amount of being kind, nice, forgiving, etc will woo them back.
This is a choice your wife is making. A terrible choice but a choice. She has to want to come back, want to be real and want to put the effort in you and your marriage.
I think it is a fabulous idea that she get a job. Pay rent, bills, etc. The grass is still green on the other side but now she will have to be responsible for paying for it.
((((gently)))Your kids are old enough to take care of each other or themselves. Or perhaps after school programs.
Sounds as if she has a lot of free time on her hands for chatting, etc.
As hard as it is be strong. Allow her to see all you have provided her and your family. If you can do the 180 perhaps the fog will lift and she will willingly return to you remorseful and ready to work for a better relationship.
Good luck. You deserve truth and honesty.
If she wants a phone of her own then get a job. No reason why you should pay for her 50 minute phone calls when home finances are tight. She wants out and all you can do is hold the door open, but don't give her a helping hand if she trips over the threshold. Stop being the victim and show her that you won't tolerate being treated as one.
D-Day, June 10, 2012
If she wants out then let her get her ass to work and get her own place, why should you leave? She is the cheater and needs some tough consequences for her cheating ways. Pack her crap in garbage bags and leave it outside the front door and tell her to hit the bricks, move on down the road and live in a homeless shelter if she has to but you will NOT pay for her to live in the home. Time for you to get tough and make her leave. Your kids need a decent parent and you are it.
Strength. It's gonna take a lot.
I've got more, but will get into that later. Right now, focus on you and the boys. Don't doubt you are the better parent. She is Not one. What parent willingly takes the other parent out of their childrens lives for their own selfish needs. Talk about emotional abuse. And just to make it worse, she's doing it again!
[This message edited by 5454real at 4:30 PM, May 14th (Tuesday)]
The disrespect has got to the point where she amuses herself by being cruel, like a child pulling the wings of an insect. She knows you are in pain and hurting badly, so she taunts you by saying its over, I'm leaving.
Sadly it indicates they you have little self-confidence or self-esteem left, or you wouldn't tolerate her infidelities and abuse; let alone give her a phone to contact her would-be lovers.
Basically, you have to have a decent opinion of yourself; love yourself, be proud of what you have accomplished to neutralize this disrespect she is demonstrating. That is what you need to work on, or continue to take the misery she is heaping onto you. Anger my friend, at the treatment she is doling out and the small amount of value she places on you and the marriage.
By the way, she should leave not you. If you end up in a doss-house, paying alimony and child support with no prospects, tell me how you are going to be better off.