I've been having a few rough days. Being on the emotional rollercoaster 3 weeks postpartum is unbelievably difficult, especially combined with what I've found out is called the "nicu rollercoaster." Anyone that's had a preemie knows exactly what I mean. Some times I think I'm going to be just fine, that all I need are my little girls and everything else doesn't matter. When I held my eldest twin for the first time after three whole weeks I thought, "This is all that matters. This is where I find my calm." I've learned that usually sends me into a false sense of security.
I thought maybe we could be adults about this. Really, I just wanted to be left alone. Silly of me to think it would be that easy. He still calls like everything should be fine now. Like I should've gotten over everything he's said and done by now. He actually said he wanted to come up this weekend or next, that he plans on making the trip after work. As if things aren't awkward enough without him being here. Sometimes I want to turn off my phone, especially in the mornings which is when he seems to be particularly at his "best" but unfortunately I don't want to miss a call from the hospital, which I've already gotten a couple of times over the past week or so. In my mind, I just keep going back over the question, who cheats on their pregnant SO? I keep reminding myself, he's wrong it's not my fault, I didn't drive him to do anything he didn't want to do. But then I hear again and again what he said, that he might as well do it, why not? I try not to get in to the whole mess, just focus on the girls. Somehow, I always get sucked right into it tho. I asked him why he couldn't just leave well enough alone, why he felt like he couldn't leave the OW alone. I don't know why I think I can get some kind of rational answer from him, I haven't gotten one so far. He asked would I rather him run into a friend on the street and ask for her advice about our situation. That made me laugh. Advice. Is that what the cheaters are calling it now? Implying I shouldn't be so upset, at least he didn't physically do it. And I have to wonder if this "friend" he mentioned maybe running into is the same OW he cheated on me last year with. Apparently, she was looking for "advice" about her marriage, too. I'm pretty sure he wasn't aware that he just implied if he stopped what he was doing with the OW, or women (I don't even know anymore) I should be o.k. with him doing it physically with that "friend." Sometimes I wonder if he even listens to himself. That he doesn't hear the painful absurdity and insanity that spews forth when he opens his mouth.
I want to be left alone. I just want to focus on my babies and be left in peace. I don't want to see him, or hear him, or know he's calling and expect to hear something else I did wrong that drove him to disrespect everything about us. I don't want to have to have a weekly "family" conference with some of the nurses and social worker at the hospital, hearing his voice talk about our daughters and know that same voice tore me apart. I want to take my babies and disappear. No address, no phone number. just peace and quiet, to heal and mother and love. But I know it's not about what I want. It's all about the girls now. What's best for them. I just can't help but to think what's best for them is not their father anymore.