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Divorce/Separation Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: Return of Mind Movies and Grief
Ashland13
♀ Member
Member # 38378
Default  Posted: 5:30 PM, May 14th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

For a period of time, I was doing pretty well. I didn't have the mind movies and the grief was at a minimum.

I'm writing to ask this time for opinions as to why these issues have returned? D process has begun and that's my theory, that it's possibly reigniting those feelings or something?

And another question is regarding the mind movies. I don't think I have any of the old feelings left for Perv, they are dead...so why do the mind movies still send me plumetting to depression and tears if they come? I had gotten pretty good at knowing what may trigger them, but lately that isn't happening and they just sort of slip in. I hate them!

There are new triggers for the grief periods, I'm noticing, but I don't want to spread out my questions too far or get long again.

Thank you for any ideas. I find the grief taking over some days and I am losing time and not getting stuff done again.

I guess I suspect the D, for it's making everything real, but opinions and ideas are welcome.

Thank you.


Ashland 13

The only thing that stays the same, is change. -M. Etheridge


Posts: 1965 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: New England
Waits
♂ New Member
Member # 38983
Default  Posted: 6:36 PM, May 14th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sorry you're going through this. I've been reading this great book called "The Journey from Abandonment to Healing" by Susan Anderson. I recommend it. She talks about how even these things are part of the healing process and best to get them over with now. Let them come and try to remember that it is helping you to heal in some way.

I signed divorce papers 2 weeks ago, 2 months after my stbxw left. I was horribly depressed before the signing. I was doing pretty well for a few days after but then the dreams came back and just last night I had more movies and flashbacks.

I hope they subside for you as well as the grief. Hang in there. You are not alone.


Posts: 17 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: New York
Lotsoflove
♀ Member
Member # 36761
Default  Posted: 11:39 PM, May 14th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hey there!

Don't really have an answer just want to say I'm in the same place as you. I've had the same mind movies come back after I told him I want a divorce a few weeks ago. Also feel like all the forgiveness I thought I had work towards is gone.
It's sucks to be back here.
Just wanted to say your not alone and I do think its normal in this new stage of healing.


Me: BS (34)
Him: WH (36) SA NPD
Married 12 years 4 awesome kids

D-day 1 1/08
D-day 2 1/09
False recovery for 3 years
D-day 3 9/2011 kicked him out!!!
2 LTAs multiple EAs

Status: Seperated....legally seperating.


Posts: 54 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: CA
nowiknow23
♀ Guide
Member # 33226
Default  Posted: 12:35 PM, May 15th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

((((Ashland))))

I've shared this before several times, but maybe it will help you too?

The best way to get rid of those mind movies or other intrusive thoughts is to interrupt them when you notice it and then replace it with something that's healthier.

I had a mental "rubber band around the wrist" that I would "snap" when I found myself thinking about him that interrupted the thought. My rubber band was picturing a Stop sign, breathing in and out, slowly and deliberately, and then refocusing on myself.

STOP. BREATHE. REFOCUS.

Repeat it. Keep repeating it. Make yourself refocus on something completely unrelated. Put all your thought into a grocery list, vacuuming the blinds, walking the dog, alphabetizing your spices, shredding old bills, whatever it takes.

I also read here a long time ago (wish I could remember the poster) that your brain cannot process mind movies and math at the same time. So the next time it hits, drag out some long division, balance your checkbook, calculate the square footage of each closet in your house... you get the idea.

Hope that helps.


You can call me NIK

There's always failure. And there's always disappointment. And there's always loss.
But the secret is learning from the loss, and realizing that none of those holes are vacuums.
- Michael J. Fox


Posts: 22694 | Registered: Aug 2011
Ashland13
♀ Member
Member # 38378
Default  Posted: 12:49 PM, May 15th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you, NIK!

The "Stop Sign Theory" as I call it, helped for a long time. So long and so well that the movies/visions went away.

Another thing to add to your good advice, is when the mind movies advance on me, I remind myself of all the bad things that this man has caused and it helps, too.

It's an idea I'm working on that the movies are a little cyclical, like anxiety and will keep coming without the stop sign or other thoughts entering the circle or rhythm.

I'm still working on identifying the triggers for them and am really sad at times, because one trigger was thinking about the baby...this is usually a pleasant thought for me and has gotten me out of the mind trap before, but I wondered if the D process set me back to the stop sign?

Yes, the chores help too and then at the end of the day, I can see something physical done with my time.

I also started yoga a few weeks ago-partly for school requirement, but I find it helpful, too, for anybody on SI or elsewhere looking for new things to do.

It's really low key and the class I found is full of older people who don't wear make up, don't dress to the 9's to work out and aren't in any competition. Those things kept me from gyms for years.

Thank you for the nice replies. I feel like this is a setback, with all I've been doing to get rid of the awful thoughts.

I'm not even attracted to the guy anymore, either and have felt just disgust for quite some time. So it was doubly confusing to have this return.


Ashland 13

The only thing that stays the same, is change. -M. Etheridge


Posts: 1965 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: New England
nowiknow23
♀ Guide
Member # 33226
Default  Posted: 1:44 PM, May 15th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I wouldn't think of it as a setback, Ashland. I think it's just a normal twist of the rollercoaster. Even after you've braved the huge hills and the big drops, there are a few smaller ones to traverse before you pull into the station.


You can call me NIK

There's always failure. And there's always disappointment. And there's always loss.
But the secret is learning from the loss, and realizing that none of those holes are vacuums.
- Michael J. Fox


Posts: 22694 | Registered: Aug 2011
Topic Posts: 6

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