As I have a bit of the same going through my head, I thought I would write and echo your sentiments exactly as written nicely on another thread: "You are not alone".
My mind is like a reel of film that I can stop sometimes and not other times. I've been praised for my skills and self - knowledge, not to horn-toot, so this baffles me and angers me as well. The mind movies began again recently and had gone for a while. But since there's another thread with that I don't want to repeat it all.
There were also things about your concern if your W is pregnant that parallel the situation STBXH has created. He acted so strangely and I know that As make people do that, but there were snippets of conversation we had over time that make me suspicious that OW could have had an OC with him...and it is a huge trigger.
I have asked him about it politely, and I have confronted him in heated moments and he sticks with the story that there is no OC and he has only the children with me...but there have been soooo many lies for soooo long, right to my face, how to know?
I suppose that time will tell, as the saying goes and for you as well.?
I'm on the fence about your Mc plan. I can understand it but am worried for you having more hurt to process or wasted money and time if she opts to lie and be dishonest or not show up. I'm impressed that you got her to go-STBXH would have nothing to do with it, but he would have truth to face if he did, so it was no surprise.
I, too, am suffering through no contact and it feels like an addiction withdrawl...it's really, really terrible! What I remember the most, even though it causes pain to cycle, is the pain he causes. Chances are any contact will create more pain, no matter what I would have to say or ask...there is plenty of material, but I'm finally not willing and starting to groan if I do see a message from him.
And I don't know about you, but I get little bits of panic prior to possible ineractions with STBXH, so I am in this horrible place where I live the grief day and night, minute by minute missing the person he used to be, but finally getting the NC idea.
Also, we're in D proceeding now and he is so dramatic I wouldn't put it past him to make up complaints about my contacting him or OW complaining or both...a big deal for me is that I don't want to give them ammo for D or themselves to laugh at me more.
When I am not struggling with the mind movies, I find myself going through this awful memory lane period. Things from 20 years ago are surfacing, some good, some bad. I turn to the bad to try to stop the reels, but then there comes the grief.
IC said this is part of the mourning period and it has no time limit and it can relapse.
I hope that you can continue NC and hope that some little thing I wrote may help. It remains a struggle for me as well, as I said. I'm glad you have the people to help you and that's partly why I come on SI so often. I can work on stuff and ask questions but it's neutral and friendly.Ashland 13
You gave me nothing and now it's all I've got - Bono
A person is a person, no matter how small. -Dr. Suess
Perserverance and spirit have done wonders in all ages.