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Newest Member: whathappensnext (45075)

Reconciliation Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: It's true what they say...
Knowing
♀ Member
Member # 37044
Default  Posted: 6:48 PM, May 14th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

If a WS does not get into IC immediately after DDay, there comes a point where they cannot help the BS in their healing.

My fWH got a "pass" on counselling after DDay because of a heavy work schedule (100+ hours a week). We agreed he would go into IC after this project. It's been 2 weeks since he finished and he finally called today for an appointment. We've been in MC at a reduced frequency of once a month (if he could make it).

We are almost 8 months post DDay, and I'm ready to start moving forward and he has barely begun. I hope he can catch up!


Me: BW, Him: fWH
Together 12 years
My EA (?) 2005-2011
His STA/PA: D-day: 19/09/12
TT: 08/12/12

We are in R.


Posts: 698 | Registered: Oct 2012
Rebreather
♀ Member
Member # 30817
Default  Posted: 8:12 PM, May 14th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It's very true and more should know this. If the BS gets too far ahead, they may not be able to allow the WS spouse to catch up. Hope he can!


Me BS
Him WH
2 ddays in '07
Recovering.
"The cure for the pain, is the pain." -Rumi

Posts: 6497 | Registered: Jan 2011
Bobbi_sue
♀ Member
Member # 10347
Default  Posted: 11:59 AM, May 15th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It may be true for some, but my H never got any counseling and we learned to communicate better than ever before, on our own.

My H's remorse was the main driving factor that facilitated our R. I'm not really a big fan of counseling for most situations.


Posts: 5747 | Registered: Apr 2006
Undone1
♀ Member
Member # 37683
Default  Posted: 2:11 PM, May 15th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Be careful not to take responsility for his recovery! There are plenty of things a spouse can do to work towards recovery, even without IC. You just have to be clear about your expectations and if he wants to do it, he willl.


Undone1
Married 10+ years to my high school sweetheart
DDAY 10/27/12
Me 55
WH 55
Blended Family: 25, 21, and 20
Married 10 years
"The Universe Unfolds as it Should"

Posts: 301 | Registered: Dec 2012 | From: Missouri
Knowing
♀ Member
Member # 37044
Default  Posted: 3:18 PM, May 15th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

IC is definitely a requirement for R. I don't want to go through this again and neither does he. He needs to figure out what is broken inside of him that he thought the A was going to fix.

It's easier to fix an M than it is to fix a person, but he's worth it.

He has FOO issues and other abuse issues. He's also conflict avoidant, intensely uncomfortable talking about or identifying his feelings, rebellious by nature and resistant to change. He needs to change in significant ways before I will consider staying with him.

He needs to reinvent himself because between his A and the worst parts of his personality, he's no longer a great catch.


Me: BW, Him: fWH
Together 12 years
My EA (?) 2005-2011
His STA/PA: D-day: 19/09/12
TT: 08/12/12

We are in R.


Posts: 698 | Registered: Oct 2012
kansas1968
♀ Member
Member # 32214
Default  Posted: 3:29 PM, May 15th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I don't think a couple of weeks head start will make much difference. It has been two and a half years and my husband has really balked on IC and MC. He as gone, but I have gone much more. We still have a bit of work to do, but things are going very well. I don't think there are any pat rules other than two people desparately wanting to keep their marriage.


Me - BS
Him - FWS
DD - December 14, 2010
Married 43 years 1/14/2011
Affair lasted 7+ years
Affair had been over for 2 years before I found out. OW sent me a letter.

Posts: 1314 | Registered: May 2011 | From: Kansas
Knowing
♀ Member
Member # 37044
Default  Posted: 3:43 PM, May 15th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I have almost 6 months of a head start in IC. I'm ready to start "moving forward" (for lack of a better term) but he's unable to because he has hardly done any work on himself since DDay. He's been allowed to coast because of an insane work schedule and still has all the same "issues" he had that led to his A. He really hasn't begun to heal in a way that will allow our relationship to continue, let alone flourish.


Me: BW, Him: fWH
Together 12 years
My EA (?) 2005-2011
His STA/PA: D-day: 19/09/12
TT: 08/12/12

We are in R.


Posts: 698 | Registered: Oct 2012
Topic Posts: 7

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