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Newest Member: si2day (45443)

Reconciliation Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: Guy talk
wifehad5
♂ Moderator
Member # 15162
Red  Posted: 10:20 AM, May 15th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Posting this as a general reminder of our No Generalization Guideline:

Please refrain from making statements that generalize gender, WS/OP/BS, race, religion or political alignment. Also do not presume to speak on behalf of other people.

This site is full of good men and women who could be offended by some of the responses. Please tread carefully.


FBH - 42
FWW - 43 (BrokenRoad)
2 kids 7&12

The people you do your life with shape the life you live


Posts: 37470 | Registered: Jun 2007 | From: Michigan
confused615
♀ Member
Member # 30826
Default  Posted: 10:22 AM, May 15th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I wonder if women think this way. I mean,Im sure some do,but I wonder if it's as common.

I can honestly say I have never had any sexual thoughts about any man other than my husband in the entire time we've been together. Im not blind,I may notice a nice looking man,but the thought that crosses my mind is,"He's really good looking," and it ends there. I have never looked at another man and wondered how good he is in bed,or how big his dick is. it just doesn't occur to me,I guess. I adore my husband,and Im very attracted to him..I just have no desire for any other man, in any way, even if it's only in my mind.

It has nothing to do with wanting to control his thoughts...more that I wish HE would control his thoughts. Considering he cheated on me, Im extremely uncomfortable to know when he is out and about he may see a woman...or two..and fantasize about having sex with her. Some men..and women..can stop at fantasy...some take it too far...as we all know.

Like I said..Im a dreamer. I want my WH to want only me...even if it's only in his mind.

t/j...dixiedevastated...I,too, was groped on a regular basis from boys and men who seemed to think because I had breasts it was ok to reach out and give them a jiggle. I always thought this was my fault,that somehow I invited that attention(although I dressed very conservatively..because I was ashamed of my body..thanks to my stepdad,but that's a whole other issue). Thank you for sharing what you did. Im sorry it happened to you too.


BS(me)42
FWH 45
4 kids
M: June 2001
D-Day: 8/10/10
Status: Reconciling?

..that feeling you get in your stomach, when you heart's broken. It's like all the butterflies just died.


Posts: 7743 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: Indiana
idiot85
♂ Member
Member # 38934
Default  Posted: 10:26 AM, May 15th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I agree with you Confused615

I think 'ooh she's pretty' then my thought will go to something else- it's the same way I might think 'blimey he's tall'... I'm married and fancy my wife so, what's the point?! Just my opinion though...


BH-29 (me)
WW-28

Multi famam, conscientiam, pauci verentur.


Posts: 575 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Old Blighty
rachelc
♀ Member
Member # 30314
Default  Posted: 10:28 AM, May 15th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Just to add: the context of this conversation was him trying to warn me about men. But I kept turning it back to "if men think like this what do you think about?" And I had no idea the first 20 years of our marriage he thought like this.
He says he doesn't now.
So, I asked, you never thought about how your AP's would look like naked or what they'd be like in bed?
He laughed and said no.
doesn't really jive together.


his Dday: 2/10 but TT until 7/11
my Ddays: 1/12, 4/12 broken NC 12/12

me (WW/BS): 48
him: (BS/WH)52
4 kiddos in mid 20's

“Follow your intuition. Be smart, be brave. Tell the truth and don’t take any shit.”


Posts: 5328 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: Midwest
confused615
♀ Member
Member # 30826
Default  Posted: 10:28 AM, May 15th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

This is just one of the many reasons I love SI. Its so nice to know there are men out there that love their wives so much that they don't look at other women in a sexual manner.

Thanks,Idiot(lol!).


BS(me)42
FWH 45
4 kids
M: June 2001
D-Day: 8/10/10
Status: Reconciling?

..that feeling you get in your stomach, when you heart's broken. It's like all the butterflies just died.


Posts: 7743 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: Indiana
DixieD
♀ Member
Member # 33457
Default  Posted: 10:31 AM, May 15th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

t/j Thanks Confused. The scars run deep. Deeper than I realized. I'm sorry that happened to you too. end t/j


Growing forward

Posts: 1767 | Registered: Sep 2011
sisoon
♂ Member
Member # 31240
Default  Posted: 10:33 AM, May 15th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm always aware of the women within range of my eyes. I most definitely appreciate the attractive women I see. I don't point women out to other men, and I don't say anything if someone points a woman out to me.

For me, too, I just notice I like and appreciate a woman's looks, clothes, the way she carries herself, etc. If my mind turns to sex, I conjure up my W. So - I look but don't touch. ('Look' isn't 'stare' or 'fantasize'.)

Before M, I could take or leave women. It turns out I really like living with someone, as opposed to dating, but couldn't know it until after our wedding. Living with my W made me like women in general, and my noticing women quotient went way up. My W knows that, and I imagine that's why she has never felt threatened by my noticing the attractive women within range of my sight.

I don't think I could keep myself from looking. Possibly it's ADD, but I think most men are wired to notice the women around them. But IMO it's a big jump from noticing to fantasizing about what I see. Since getting my W into bed, my fantasies pretty much are limited to her, but what's wrong with fantasizing?

As mentioned I don't talk with my friends about the women we see, but what if we do?

Some things I've seen in the press indicate women talk among themselves about their sex lives and their complaints about their lovers. Assuming the articles are accurate, do we a double standard here?

Why is it OK to speak what could be scripts from Sex and the City but not OK to talk about a women one sees across a room?

Note: I'm OK with non-violent talk and with thoughts. Actions, like assaulting someone (grabbing or stroking part of someone's body without permission, for example, or making suggestive or threatening comments), is always out of bounds.

******************************

Thanks for including the article on waist-hip ratio, but IMO 'fertility' means conceiving and bearing healthy infants, and I suspect there's more than one hormone involved in that.

Actually, at this point in my life, I respond to hair more than to anything else. I don't know what that's about, except that my W cut her beautiful long, straight hair a while ago. (1988, I think. I'm still in mourning.) Of course, infertility is desirable to me now.

[This message edited by sisoon at 11:01 AM, May 15th (Wednesday)]


fBH (me) - 70 (22 in my head), fWW (plainsong) - 65+, Married 45+, together since 1965
DDay - 12/2010
Recovered, not yet fully R'ed
I share my own experience because it's the only experience I know, not because I'm a good model.

Posts: 10430 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: Chicago area
rachelc
♀ Member
Member # 30314
Default  Posted: 10:39 AM, May 15th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I don't mind the t/j because this happened to me as well. I was walking down the hall one day in HS and some guy yelled, hey is it dress like a celebrity day and are you Dolly Parton? I was mortified. It is fucking traumatic. I've talked about it ad nauseum in therapy. My flat-chested mother was no help either...
ok end t/j.


his Dday: 2/10 but TT until 7/11
my Ddays: 1/12, 4/12 broken NC 12/12

me (WW/BS): 48
him: (BS/WH)52
4 kiddos in mid 20's

“Follow your intuition. Be smart, be brave. Tell the truth and don’t take any shit.”


Posts: 5328 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: Midwest
StillGoing
♂ Member
Member # 28571
Default  Posted: 11:15 AM, May 15th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I can honestly say I have never had any sexual thoughts about any man other than my husband in the entire time we've been together. Im not blind,I may notice a nice looking man,but the thought that crosses my mind is,"He's really good looking," and it ends there.

I would consider "He's really good looking" to be a sexual thought. Like I said, it's not like most of these conversations go past that.

Threads with women squeeing over Ryan Renolds abs seem to be in an entirely different category of sexualization and objectification as well, though, just for being female and therefore becomes almost sacrosanct. The "no, it's not the same" thing.

If stating "Yeah she's hot" is the same as "I want to fuck her [insert graphic and creepy commentary here]" are the same then there is yet one more blatant and disappointing double standard here when it comes to what is acceptable for women not being acceptable for men. If that's all it is then so be it, but I do take offense to being called a cheater for thinking a woman who isn't my wife might look good naked. I have never been disloyal to my wife. I am not mister awesome but I'm not about to be called that and not respond to it. I have never had an inappropriate interaction with another woman than my wife that I wouldn't also have in front of her, and I wasn't the one to fuck multiple others in our marriage, she was.

Sitting in front of my PC and looking at all the women on facebook or some dating site I don't participate in and wondering what it might be like to be held by a woman again after a year of not being touched by my own wife is far and away utterly and totally different category, as I was resigned to it not being a reality so long as I was still married.

Maybe it was a slippery slope. Maybe after that year, should we have got divorced and I timidly waded into the terrifying world of dating I might have seen another woman naked. Maybe I would have become a superspy and have a watch that, among many other things, tells the correct time. I don't know.

There is moderation and context to all things and ramming everyone into the same square just leads to trouble.


"You have insulted my footwear."

Posts: 7495 | Registered: May 2010 | From: USA
AFrayedKnot
♂ Member
Member # 36622
Default  Posted: 11:25 AM, May 15th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think then solution to this issue is humility and boundaries.

Humility is truly knowing your patterns of thought and behavior.

Boundaries is setting up new patters of behavior to defend yourself against your other ingrained patterns of behavior.

I know for me, I evaluate every woman around me in a sexual way. I know that I am friendlier with women that I am attracted to. I know I like it if they give attention back. I know that if it continues I may have a hard time saying no.

So I have boundaries. I do my best to not participate in "guy talk" that may encourage any interaction. I go to male checkers at the grocery store. If I am attracted to a teller at the bank, I go to a different branch. I am strictly business with waitresses and baristas, barely looking them in the eye. I am strickly necessary business with coworkers that I find attractive.

A good friend of mine says "There is nothing wrong with looking at the art at the museum. Its when you start thinking how it would look on your wall that you have a problem."


BS 40
fWS 36 (SurprisinglyOkay)
DD DS
A whole bunch of shit that got a lot worse before it got better.
"Knowing is half the battle"

Posts: 2647 | Registered: Aug 2012
tired girl
♀ Member
Member # 28053
Default  Posted: 11:31 AM, May 15th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I have always felt that there are two types of men, ones that notice attractive women, and that is as far as it goes in their brains, and then ones that notice and their brains immediately skip to the next step of sexual things, such as my 19 yr old currently does. Every pretty girl he sees he is thinking I would tap that. It is the single reason he should not be in a relationship right now.

I believe that women can do this as well, maybe not as often as men, but I have been in the company of women that have objectified a guy just as much as any man has. And if we are talking about a movie star, all bets are off.

In today's society where looks are placed so high on the agenda is it any surprise that we have become so visual? I do believe that is often what draws us in first, maybe not what keeps us. To expect people not to be visual and sexual creatures I think is a somewhat unrealistic expectation. Now do I want my H walking around thinking like my 19 yr old? No. I am pretty sure he has evolved beyond that.


Me45 Him 45 Hardlessons DS 25,23,20
D Day 1/18/10 his 3/8/2012 mine
"No one can make you feel inferior without your consent." Eleanor Roosevelt

Posts: 5093 | Registered: Mar 2010 | From: az
rachelc
♀ Member
Member # 30314
Default  Posted: 11:37 AM, May 15th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think this thread has proven that there is no generalization and all men do NOT think this way.. some do, some don't, and I'm happy to hear that and appreciate everyone's post.


his Dday: 2/10 but TT until 7/11
my Ddays: 1/12, 4/12 broken NC 12/12

me (WW/BS): 48
him: (BS/WH)52
4 kiddos in mid 20's

“Follow your intuition. Be smart, be brave. Tell the truth and don’t take any shit.”


Posts: 5328 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: Midwest
wert
♂ Member
Member # 34478
Default  Posted: 2:30 PM, May 15th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I have always felt that there are two types of men, ones that notice attractive women, and that is as far as it goes in their brains, and then ones that notice and their brains immediately skip to the next step of sexual things, such as my 19 yr old currently does. Every pretty girl he sees he is thinking I would tap that. It is the single reason he should not be in a relationship right now.

TG - that is a great insight. I was trying to figure out how I react myself. I goes something like this...

I notice an attractive woman and I say to my self "ouch." Then I move on. It takes a lot more for me to even want to do anything about that attraction. Not because I am M'd, but because it takes more for me to be really interested in someone. There is that "ouch" moment and to be honest I have always had it, but it is very fleeting. Even when I was young it took more for me to want to pursue anything further.

In general, anytime you use the term all to describe a gender you may as well stop yourself. The whole all women need to be emotionally involved to have sex is a bunch of crap. College proved that to me over and over again....it was a hard and for a while fun lesson...:)

take care...



Posts: 1432 | Registered: Jan 2012
LA44
♀ Member
Member # 38384
Default  Posted: 4:28 PM, May 15th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

When the Ow engaged in "guy talk" that first night they got together my H was all ears...throw in some alcohol and...well...he was all in. Pun intdended.

It's easy to be sleazy.


Me: 44
He: 47 WH
Married: 15 years
D Day: December 2012
Affair: Fall 2009 - Dec. 2011
R is not linear

Posts: 2482 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: Canada, eh
libertyrocks
♀ Member
Member # 38924
Default  Posted: 4:42 PM, May 15th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Ok, I'll bite.

IMO, it comes down to personal boundaries such as what we were taught, impulse control, environmental factors while growing up, and how content we all are in a relationship. Everyone's different. Period.

[This message edited by libertyrocks at 4:44 PM, May 15th (Wednesday)]


Me-BW 36. STBXH-35,Recovering Alcoholic, M6yrs T13. Boys 2 & 4 1/2.
DDay #1 Nov,2012. 1 1/2 year false R & TT. 10 OW PA's 1LTA (W lied to) 3 years.
S Nov, 2013 again Jan,2014
Filed for D Feb,2014.

Posts: 962 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: So Cal, baby. :)
Topic Posts: 55
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