The reasons that seemed so genuine to me, before and during the A, were clearly justifications. Lots of misplaced, exaggerated blame. By definition there are no legitimate reasons for having an A, which therefore makes them excuses. Right?
So confused. How do I identify reasons without appearing to excuse or justify my bad choices?
I was old enough and smart enough to realize I needed those skills too. I knew there was something wrong with me. Excuse? I don't think so. Reason? yes. ALL ON ME.
me (WW/BS): 48
4 kiddos in mid 20's
Reasons and excuses are just that. bad communication, I felt alone, depressed, etc, etc. All of those things are just reasons and excuses. When you get to the why, and then even see how that has affected your life in other areas, then you can work on changing that part of your life. Does that make sense?
Example; a reason like I felt lonely in the M. That can happen again and again during a long M. As rachelc said, how you deal with them is what's important. And how you deal with them, or react to them in an unhealthy way leads you to your 'whys'.
The bottom line 'why' you cheated goes deep. Sometimes all the way back to FOO (family of origin issues). When you can look back and see why you have bad boundaries, or coping skills, you can then change those core behaviors, and then hopefully act differently/healthier next time.
Does that make sense?
Separated transitioning to D
Initially, I thought that I was lonely. Then I realized that I needed external validation. Then recently, I realized I just wanted my cake and eat it too. But all three reasons were true. Figuring them out just took a really long time, but I'm also a slow learning.
The more we learn about ourselves, I think the more that will be revealed about ourselves to ourselves. Just keep digging away and see what develops.
[This message edited by 3kids30years at 12:41 PM, May 15th (Wednesday)]
Married 30+ years and here I am. Heartbroken.
4/14 Trying to make it thru each day
9/14 - getting better. Damn!
Before I betrayed my wife I betrayed myself, my morals and values. And regardless of whether my wife chose to stay or divorce I wanted to find my why's regardless.
At first all the reasons sound like excuses and justifications and that's what they are, but that doesn't mean we can't find value as we dig deeper and ask ourselves the next why. In business a common tool is the "5 Why's". It's a great tool here as well. Basically you keep asking why until you hit that "Oh shit" light bulb moment.
What I'm taking away from your responses is that listing those reasons/excuses/justifications is a good starting point. Then BH and I can discuss them, and I can work on digging to the roots underneath.