We are trying to move on. He told me how sorry he was, how much he loves me, gave me all these excuses as to why, how he wants us just to be a happy family blah, blah. We have two kids. He seems to be trying mend our marriage, spending time together as a family, doing things for me, being patient, etc., but I am having a really hard time forgiving and moving forward.
Thing is, there was this other woman, not one of the two above, and they had a very close friendship. He says they never slept together, but I donít know if I believe him. Last week, I found a bunch of old emails from her, like from 2008-9. Most of them were political jokes and stuff. Some of the others werenít. She was no longer working there (she had quit to go work somewhere else), was saying how much she missed him, calling him her buddy, her friend. In one email she said how he knew what a good listener she was. One of the emails was a joke about mistresses. One was how badly she wanted her job back Ė how much she missed working there, missed him. He told me she was emailing, calling, texting and that he wasnít getting back to her Ė this was a really busy time for us at work and we were building a new home. He did talk to her about why she couldnít come back to work there, which was business related, not personal. Iím not sure what else they talked about as I didnít hear the phone conversation. This was before the harassment suit.
Anyway, Iím rambling - trying to put 7 years of stuff into a short summary. I guess I donít really have a question. Just thought Iíd post this to see what people thought. He wants me to forgive & move on, says he had a bad phase where he was overly flirty, but he realized what he was doing was wrong and hurting me and he isnít behaving that way now.
I guess what I'm saying is actions speak louder than words, in fact, his words aren't worth a penny b/c right now he's been mostly lying.
So if you are wondering will things change, is he still lying to you, can your marriage be healed, look at his actions. When you ask him questions does he answer to the best of his ability, is he willing to see a therapist or talk to someone about why he did this knowing he could be sued? How does he intend to never behave this way again ( I just won't isn't a real answer ) When you ask to see his phone or see is email how does he react? A remorseful spouse will do whatever you need to feel safe, a spouse wanting things to go back to the way they were will get angry, frustrated and blame shifting.
Watch the actions closely and believe them, ignore the words
Listen, if he was "kissing" a woman at work for several months, and then the very next woman he made the moves on involved him repeatedly telling her he wanted to have sex with her, then logic would dictate that he in fact had sex with the first OW at a minimum.
Get to the root of it, find out what the truth is, get him to a poly immediately, and THEN you can consider forgiving or not once you have all the info and know what you're supposed to be trying to forgive.
My H was immediately honest and remorseful from the very day I found out. He did just about everything that he should have done with some hiccups along the way but nothing major and definitely no lies about what transpired. Even then, it still took me 2.5 full years to forgive him, and that was with me working on forgiveness for most of that time myself.
Get the truth, then worry about the next step.
Our life is very complicated, so for me to just move out isn't a realistic an option.
I am starting counseling next week. He will go if I push him to, but for now, I just want to try to sort through some of my own feelings.
MC are very good at getting the truth. If he refuses to go with you he is not genuine about saving your marriage and just protecting his arse.
He should want to do anything and everything you ask if he is really serious about helping you heal.
My pathetic WH lasted 6 sessions and then became obvious he couldnt keep up the charade. He's a great liar. You know your H and trust your gut all the way.
Put forgiveness aside for now. He needs to show you and attending MC together is a great start.
Hugs to you and take care of YOU