Is it normal to feel this way?
I try to imagine forgiving her but it makes me sick to my stomach. I try to imagine our future together but it makes me sad, not hopeful. I have never been the type to give up. She has not stopped lying. We went to MC for 3 months. Did I really try? Is normal to feel both like I made the right decision but also guilty?
Right down to me telling him I want the D, and then thinking "Oh fuck, did I just screw up?"
We tried MC for about 3 months. I bent myself backwards and forwards trying to "get over" his affair. Trying to deal with him working with his slut. Trying to get over him lying to me constantly, hiding things, not being open to fixing us.
It was a fleeting thought, however, because his dooshbaggery came out pretty quickly.
It is totally normal to feel this way. Trust me, you'll get over it. I know I tried my damndest, and it just wasn't going to be enough because he really didn't want it. He played me, and I'm not letting him win in the end.
You'll move on, just like I am. Don't let her pity party for one mess with your mind.
Change the order of your statements a little and I can see why deep down you feel relief.
"Shit. Did I just fuck up?"
she is still lying. She has repeatedly indicated that she has been NC with OM since January and I know that's not true. I gave her one last opportunity to come clean tonight and she didn't. She lied again. She said she would not be interrogated about A anymore.
She ain't ever going to get it.
Divorces take some time to go from start to finish. You'll have that time to evaluate and validate your feelings. I do agree that no remorse is really a death sentence for the marriage, though. It certainly was for mine, and I also had a two year old (and a five year old) in the equation.
Please be careful now that the D option has been executed; your WW attitude IMO and experience seems to indicate:
"buckle in for a hell of a ride"
My STBX went from "take everything", to being a complete raging PITA, extreme parental alienation, accelerating the lies, even ones that could be disproven in a few seconds with hard facts (W2's, tax forms, etc). One weird emotion I recall right out of the gate was seeing:
Smith vs Smith, plaintiff vs defendant, on the paperwork... Simply surreal, so clinical and "itchy" feeling.
It's also normal, and I think healthy for you to feel some much needed relief, and feeling of a more genuine, authentic life will soon be at hand, once you drop the yoke of existing with a lying, unremorseful cheater. Your situation will improve, and greater clarity and resolve is a gift you will realize.
Good luck, batten down the hatches, and get ready to spend some SERIOUS $$$.
The cruel, the unkind, those without honor, feast on the tender heart...
No you didn't fuck up, your WW fucked up when she had her A. I felt the same way when I made the decision to file but quickly got over that line of thinking once I reminded myself that my WW's decisions led us to this point even after I offered R.
If you haven't you will likely be mourning the loss of your M and what was. That rush of emotion caught me off guard and I didn't understand what was happening until the posters here pointed it out. That is normal as well. Going to the Lawyer to file had me anxious for days but after the meeting I felt calm for the first time in YEARS! It's still a tough road but once you make the decision to file you eventually realize that you do have a way out.
Just remember that your WW is no longer your friend. Even if the D is "amicable", until it is final she is to be considered the enemy on the other side in a WAR for your financial future and well being. Go see a lawyer and listen to them. D is about business not feelings so tell the lawyer what you want and then listen to there advice. Until the papers are signed and/or the judge enters the decree you are enemies. You can be friends or friendly again after the dust has settled and the D is finalized.
Go see a L, 180, and be kind to yourself. Also it is possible that you actually filing could "make shit real" for your WW and she may pull her head out of her ass but then again she may not. Just be prepared mentally in case she does and decide up front what you want to do. however fi you knwo she is still in contact with OM then she is still choosing a M of 3 and that won't work. So move forward with D, there is nothing to say that the 2 of you can't get back together at some point in the future if she chooses to "own her shit" and do the work.
[This message edited by 7yrsflushed at 9:26 AM, May 16th (Thursday)]
Hang in there and keep posting.
"In life, unlike chess, the game continues after checkmate." - Asimov
"Be patient and tough; someday this pain will be useful to you." - Ovid
I think we have all felt that "What did I just do?" moment, I think it is natural to feel fear walking away from the known into the unknown.
But, sometimes you just gotta leap. Refuse to be treated that way and go find a better life.
"For whatever we lose, like a you or a me, it's always ourselves we find in the sea" ee cummings