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Divorce/Separation     Print Topic    
User Topic: Abbondad Part II...
Abbondad
♂ Member
Member # 37898
Default  Posted: 8:03 AM, May 26th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Too late. I already called her. Of course I was right. He drove her to our home.

I maintained my composure. I told her to respect our sacred home.

She became angry and said that I have let her down and have no respect for HER.

I need to just stop. Just stop, right?


Divorced April Fool's Day 2014

Fear is the mind-killer.
Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration.
I will face my fear.
I will permit it to pass over me and through me.
-Dune


Posts: 1617 | Registered: Dec 2012
alphakitte
♀ Member
Member # 33438
Default  Posted: 8:36 AM, May 26th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Dad, Just stop.

You posted asking for advice & then 18 minutes later you've already acted. Impulsive reactions prevent measured responses.

You are not the boss of her.


------ Some people are emotional tadpoles. Even if they mature they are just a warty toad. Catt

Posts: 349 | Registered: Sep 2011 | From: 3 klicks north of Ambiguous
Chrysalis123
♀ Member
Member # 27148
Default  Posted: 8:47 AM, May 26th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You said it once, now crickets.

In my case, email only works best. XH spews forth venom when on the phone.

Added bonus: paper trail.

A paper trail at your stage of the game would be mighty handy I think.


Donít get to the end of your life and find that you lived only the length of it; live the width of it as well.†

Posts: 2670 | Registered: Jan 2010
PurpleRose
♀ Member
Member # 33129
Default  Posted: 8:50 AM, May 26th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

AD..

This is a mantra I have been repeating for months now, and I think it fits in your situation perfectly too:

I can't control it (him/her)'.
I can't change it (him/her).
I can't cure it (him/her)".

Lather, rinse, repeat.

I know this new mindset is incredibly difficult to stick with. If you can, your healing will increase, allowing you to be there for your kids more effectively. And believe me, they will need a sane parent. I never knew how important MY stability through all this D stuff would be until recently when I was assaulted in front of my children. Now the mama tiger comes out and I'm no longer playing games with the Dooosh.

This shit gets real, real quick and in ways you can't expect, so you have got to be the healthy one, the stable one, the honest one for your kids.


divorced the Dooosh
*****************************
even if you find your voice,
sometimes it does not matter anymore,
when you speak to a man who is deaf by choice.
~dodinsky

Posts: 3582 | Registered: Aug 2011 | From: Happyville
Abbondad
♂ Member
Member # 37898
Default  Posted: 9:03 AM, May 26th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi, Everyone,

WW is stalling on first mediation meeting, angrily using her work schedule as an excuse.

I do not believe mediation will go well to say the least, as it requires civility and respect. She is not emotionally stable and I don't trust her. I'm thinking I should just grit my teeth and file (tons more money than mediation and it could drag on) for ultimate protection.

Advice?


Divorced April Fool's Day 2014

Fear is the mind-killer.
Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration.
I will face my fear.
I will permit it to pass over me and through me.
-Dune


Posts: 1617 | Registered: Dec 2012
woundedwidow
♀ Member
Member # 36869
Default  Posted: 9:14 AM, May 26th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

1. She's still actively in the affair and has even brought the OM to YOUR home.

2. She has NO interest in anything relating to your well-being or the health of your family.

3. YOU need to be strong for you and your kids.

4. Hire a shark attorney and FILE.


Be careful what you wish for the most - you may get it.

Posts: 378 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: VA
heartbroken_kk
♀ Member
Member # 22722
Default  Posted: 11:29 AM, May 26th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi, I have been reading but haven't posted yet.

I am one of those who spent YEARS in the BS fog and desperately wanted to save my M. I became deeply depressed and suicidal. It took lots of therapy and AD meds to get me through.

What really helped me the most was finally understanding that we REALLY WERE DONE BECAUSE I WAS DONE.

Learn about the 180. Do it 100% for you. Do not concern yourself with her.

Establish a set of NC rules for you. DO NOT ANSWER HER CALLS. LIMIT IN PERSON DISCUSSION AS MUCH AS POSSIBLE. Use email with a good backup and secure new password. Get a new email account and put all comms with her through that so there is a written record. Keep a journal by writing emails to yourself.

Learn about boundaries. They protect you from the abuses of others. Establish them as limits/absolutes on YOUR behavior. They are if...then statements. If she does X, then I do Y. Focus on the "I do Y" part as that is the only thing you can control. Learn to control YOUR behavior so you stop being so impulsive and flaky.

Examples: If... she brings the AP to my home I will protect my home by changing the locks. If she calls I will let it go to voicemail and respond by email.

Focus on your behavior. Start acting in your own best interest, and your kids. You are getting a D. Stick to that decision.


BW then 46, STBXWHNPDPAFTG the destroyer of my entire life.
D-Day 1 1999, D-Day 2,3,4,5,6... 2009 thru 2011.

Separated, divorcing, moving on.
I edit because I always make typos.


Posts: 1178 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: California
Chrysalis123
♀ Member
Member # 27148
Default  Posted: 12:15 PM, May 26th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

WW is stalling on first mediation meeting, angrily using her work schedule as an excuse.

This is what I would do. I would ask my lawyer to begin the divorce and file. I would ask my lawyer to send a letter that begins with something like:

since you won't mediate we are filing....except it would be written in lawyer-lingo.

You do nothing. Your lawyer handles it all.

You CANNOT force her to behave in a loving way. She is not a friend to you or your kids.

The only thing you have control of is you. .


Donít get to the end of your life and find that you lived only the length of it; live the width of it as well.†

Posts: 2670 | Registered: Jan 2010
Abbondad
♂ Member
Member # 37898
Default  Posted: 12:21 PM, May 26th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi,

WW just left after kid exchange. We talked about the divorce. She expressed that she still believes we will get back together/remarry after the divorce. I told her, gently, that that's not going to happen. That I am going to move on.

She burst into tears, said, "Then so am I. This is not working out like I encisioned," and stormed out angrily, saying she was going to get a lawyer.

I don't know if I should have kept this to myself, but I felt it needed to be said since she was being so blasť about the ruination of our family with this divorce that she forced my hand to initiate.

Thoughts? Analysis of what the hell she is thinking?


Divorced April Fool's Day 2014

Fear is the mind-killer.
Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration.
I will face my fear.
I will permit it to pass over me and through me.
-Dune


Posts: 1617 | Registered: Dec 2012
7yrsflushed
♂ Member
Member # 32258
Default  Posted: 12:36 PM, May 26th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thoughts? Analysis of what the hell she is thinking?
This biggest leap I made in my healing was when I realized that what my STBX was thinking was IRRELEVANT. It's no longer about her. It's ALL About you and your KIDS. You will never know what she is thinking. This will take time to sink in but it will sink in eventually.

Take what she just told you at face value. Whether she gets a lawyer or not is irrelevant. What is relevant is that you go retain a lawyer if you haven't and protect yourself and your children. She has already shown you that she will not mediate. This is the 2nd time she has cancelled with the added remark of she is getting a lawyer.

Go see your lawyer on Tuesday morning.

ETA: This is the same behavior she has shown you before. She will cycle between anger, outbursts, sadness and eventually she is just going to settle on just plain mean and trying to screw you for all you are worth during a D. Remember in her mind this is your fault and your behavior lately is just reinforcing what she already believes. Is that true, of course not, but like I said trying to figure her out will just keep you in the cesspool of pain with her. You can't control her so let her go and focus on you. Every time you engage with her when you don't absolutely have to it's going to be a setback in your healing until you reach indifference.

[This message edited by 7yrsflushed at 12:47 PM, May 26th (Sunday)]


D-day 5/24/11
BH = Me
2 children
The first true sense of calm I felt in YEARS was when I filed for D...
Divorced 9/2/14 and loving life!

Posts: 1903 | Registered: May 2011 | From: VA
DeadMumWalking
♀ Member
Member # 25341
Default  Posted: 12:46 PM, May 26th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

She expressed that she still believes we will get back together/remarry after the divorce.

You: um hmmm, that's nice.

her: blah blah fuckity blah.

You: um hmmm, I see.

her: blah blah etc......

You: I'm sorry you feel that way....oh is that the time already, got to go now.

You get the picture. Don't engage.

Don't tell her what you are going to do, JUST DO IT. Hire a shark, consult with as many local sharks as you can (which will hopefully prevent her from hiring them), and get your lawyer to do all the engaging. She says anything to you about it, your reply is 'my attorney is handling the divorce'.

Please just disengage from her and her antics.

Oh yeah, if she has moved out then see (with the lawyer) about getting temporary orders ordering exclusive use of the family home to you, and then change the locks (or add an additional lock and 'forget' to give her the key).

Fasten your seatbelt, you are NOT going to have an easy time of it. Mediated divorce with her??? I think not.....

((((Abbondad))))


Me (BS), Him (WH): early 50's
3 DS: teens!!! :)
M: 24 (19 1/2 at Dday), Together 29
Dday: Dec 2008
Limbo-ish, again (after multiple S) -- weighing my options

Posts: 2587 | Registered: Aug 2009 | From: EU
ButterflyGirl
♀ Member
Member # 38377
Default  Posted: 1:02 PM, May 26th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Good for you. You've been doing great, besides the fact that you called her and you talked to her in person. You really need to start limiting this to email and text. Then you can think about your responses first. And you can take some time to decide if it really needs a response.. And this will give you a much-needed paper trail, and it will help you detach from her.

My guess is that you've finally started to put your foot down with her, and she's PISSED that she doesn't have you as a back-up/soft place to land anymore. This is going to get a lot worse, and I hope you are prepared. You really have to let go of the thought that you can control her, that how you act will change how she acts towards you. I wish there was something I could do to change how my STBX treats me, but there just isn't.. I can only distance myself and try not to let him make me feel bad when he blameshifts and gaslights me. Please don't take any responsibility for her actions. She's losing her shit right now since she can't believe you aren't willing to be her doormat anymore. You are surprising her and confusing her. But the ultimate goal is to be indifferent to what she thinks or does.

My advice is to STOP talking to her about the OM. She is allowed to do whatever she wants now, and the more you get upset over it and tell her what she can and can't do, you are really being the glue that holds them together. LET HER GO. Let her really live in her own yard and see how the grass is over there.. It's not going to be pretty..

Things are falling apart for my STBX and his MOW (and the twink he's cheating on her with), but I am NOT going to be there when the shit hits the fan. I was very co-dependent before, as I can see you are too, so of course the urge is there to "save" them and stop them from hurting themselves and the children and prove what loving caring people we are by helping them out. I think you need to realize that she's a big girl, and she's making her own decisions, and she needs to deal with her actions and the consequences. Please do your best to ignore her and focus on yourself and what's best for you right now.

You've been handling a lot of situations very well, like the request for helping her with the packages. You were right to deny her and let her deal with her own problems. Yes, she was probably going to ask her OM to help her. But think how that might have annoyed him, and maybe he will start realizing that he liked the dirty secretive fantasy sex, but he didn't really want all the responsibility of a true relationship with her. This is exactly where she has been cake eating. Having all the fun with him and depending on you for everything else. Try to keep your thoughts and feelings about them to yourself. Let them fall apart all on their own. She probably told him what you said about him helping her, and that kind of thing just makes them closer. Now he's not just annoyed what she asked of him, he's feeling like he is competing with you, and he thinks he's winning, and he thinks he's her knight in shining armor. Had you stayed out of it and not mentioned this to her, then he's back to just being annoyed that he had to help her..

My advice is still to file. She is NOT your problem anymore. To her, you standing up and protecting yourself is hurting her, and she will tell you that, but you have to stop feeling bad for doing what's best for you..

Big hugs..


xBW~ 35
Two of the most darling sons ~ 10 and 7

Posts: 2239 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: Florida, USA
Abbondad
♂ Member
Member # 37898
Default  Posted: 1:56 PM, May 26th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Wife called... Yeah, I know. But I need to share these gems:

"You made it clear you are done. You are moving on. Well so am I. I am done with this game."

"You made your bed."

Sigh...

Texts only. Kids and finances.... Keep repeating to self...


Divorced April Fool's Day 2014

Fear is the mind-killer.
Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration.
I will face my fear.
I will permit it to pass over me and through me.
-Dune


Posts: 1617 | Registered: Dec 2012
ButterflyGirl
♀ Member
Member # 38377
Default  Posted: 2:03 PM, May 26th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

She is blameshifting and trying to take some control back. Now SHE'S done with YOU, so she ended it, and don't you forget that

I'm glad you are seeing how ridiculous her words are. You know they make no sense, and they are just being used to try to manipulate you. Perhaps you are starting to realize why it's best not to listen to that crap or engage with her in the first place..


xBW~ 35
Two of the most darling sons ~ 10 and 7

Posts: 2239 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: Florida, USA
Chrysalis123
♀ Member
Member # 27148
Default  Posted: 2:57 PM, May 26th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Don't tell her what you are going to do, JUST DO IT. Hire a shark, consult with as many local sharks as you can (which will hopefully prevent her from hiring them), and get your lawyer to do all the engaging. She says anything to you about it, your reply is 'my attorney is handling the divorce'.


THIS!!


Why are you answering the phone? Let it go to voicemail. NC. NC. NC


Donít get to the end of your life and find that you lived only the length of it; live the width of it as well.†

Posts: 2670 | Registered: Jan 2010
ButterflyGirl
♀ Member
Member # 38377
Default  Posted: 3:23 PM, May 26th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I just wanted to add, it's tempting to get them to see the light and to defend yourself. When they accuse you of things, the urge is to correct them and explain how things really are. But my honest opinion is that they do get it, they are just CHOOSING to pretend they don't so they can continue to blameshift and gaslight. You don't need to explain anything to her or defend yourself anymore. She knows, she just doesn't care. Her words are weapons of manipulation against you.

I know it's hard to accept that this is who she really is, but you will feel a lot better when you do.. She is going to try very hard to blame you for everything, and you can't change that, so please, IGNORE HER!! She will continue to try to contact you. Again and again. And get you to engage. And put you on the defensive and in a position of having to explain yourself. Don't fall for it. No contact doesn't mean she won't contact you. It means DON'T RESPOND to her attempts at contacting you and getting you to engage.. She doesn't deserve your feelings on the situation anymore. The more you pretend you don't care what she has to say, the more you will detach and actually stop caring what she has to say..

Hugs Abbondad. I know this is so very hard, but you are getting stronger and healing more every day, I promise..


xBW~ 35
Two of the most darling sons ~ 10 and 7

Posts: 2239 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: Florida, USA
Vulcanized
♀ Member
Member # 33523
Default  Posted: 3:23 PM, May 26th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Wife called... Yeah, I know. But I need to share these gems:
"You made it clear you are done. You are moving on. Well so am I. I am done with this game."

"You made your bed."

You: OK

[This message edited by Vulcanized at 3:24 PM, May 26th (Sunday)]


Me: MH 40s; Him: MH 40s (I had RA)
OW: 30s, moron; one of many
M: 8 yrs
3/13: D'd
-----------------------------------------------------------
Everything is as it should be.

Posts: 751 | Registered: Oct 2011 | From: Vulcania
Dark Inertia
Member
Member # 30727
Default  Posted: 3:26 PM, May 26th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I maintained my composure. I told her to respect our sacred home.

Why do you even say that much? Just tell her, look if he comes over again I am calling the cops on trespassing issues. You are too nice.


"If I listened earlier, I wouldn't be here. But that's just the trouble with me. I give myself very good advice, but I very seldom follow it."

Posts: 1249 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: The Ohio
Abbondad
♂ Member
Member # 37898
Default  Posted: 3:47 PM, May 26th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

"You made your bed."

You: OK

That is actually exactly what I said! I literally bit my tongue as I began to retort incredulously, "I made MY bed?"

But I caught myself and limited myself to what is currently, for me, the most powerful word in the English language: "OK."

Yay for me. Life really is comprised of minor victories.

Oh, and to gain the upper hand, SHE said she doesn't want to talk to me any more--only text and about the kids. Hey, that was MY line to HER a mere week and a half ago!

What gives?


Divorced April Fool's Day 2014

Fear is the mind-killer.
Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration.
I will face my fear.
I will permit it to pass over me and through me.
-Dune


Posts: 1617 | Registered: Dec 2012
Abbondad
♂ Member
Member # 37898
Default  Posted: 4:03 PM, May 26th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Just some thoughts--maybe repetitious ones to those who have been following my threads for seven months. And I express these no longer with shock, since I have moved well past it, well past denial. I am still in terrible pain and loneliness, but I now believe I will reach acceptance.

Anyway, these are my thoughts looking back over these months ever since what I consider the real D-Day, November 12, 2012:

I really did keep believing we would have a happy ending to our story. Yes, paradoxically I also believed all of you as well when you suggested otherwise. Strange bedfellows, these two voices.

It is really true when I say my wife and I had a great love story. These were the words we both often used to characterize our marriage. We fell deeply, madly in love, at the perfect time and for all the right reasons.

Children came along, and this brought the usual stress, but through it all we remained very much in love, very happy to have found each other. The love of our lives, our soulmates. The whole thing. Just a deep, deep intimate connection on every level.

So I really believed (OK, wanted desperately to believe) that this love would carry us through, even past this ongoing shock. But it didn't. It just didn't.

I am the same as so many others here: if someone had told me this would happen to us--us!--I would have scorned him. In fact--and this was a running joke I would say to friends and family, much to my wife's amusement and agreement:

"If she ever cheated on me or left me, I would think she had lost her mind."

I know it's not technically over--divorce proceedings have not even begun--but it's over. Our great love story has ended. It turns out to have been a tragedy after all, with nothing remaining on the stage but destruction and littered hope and dreams.

I am sad. I miss my wife, who may or may not have lost her mind. I miss my happy family, in which I had found my life and world. I had such a wonderful family growing up, and all I ever wanted was to repeat this as a husband and father.

Infidelity. Just... Infidelity.

Strength to all.


Divorced April Fool's Day 2014

Fear is the mind-killer.
Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration.
I will face my fear.
I will permit it to pass over me and through me.
-Dune


Posts: 1617 | Registered: Dec 2012
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