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Divorce/Separation     Print Topic    
User Topic: Abbondad Part II...
Grace and Flowers
♀ Member
Member # 34431
Default  Posted: 9:19 AM, May 28th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Just because she wanted to talk to you, doesn't mean you should. Stop talking to her.

t/j: my own DS has cancer. WXH and I only communicate via text, unless there is an emergency. It CAN be done.

I'm not sure you're "there" yet, mentally. But when you can, a great book to read is Getting Past Your Breakup by Susan Elliott. It has wonderful exercises to do to help you heal. It is one of the things that helped me most in dealing with my divorce.

Of course, the first thing she says to do IS NO CONTACT!

There is now way that any of this will be easy. It will get worse before it gets better. But listen to the other posters above. It DOES get better. But you have to be proactive in your healing, and not wallow. For now, just take it minute by minute.


I'm Happy, not Sad!

Posts: 1174 | Registered: Jan 2012 | From: US
ladies_first
♀ Member
Member # 24643
Default  Posted: 10:21 AM, May 28th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My fear is that even after the divorce I will still be in this pain; nothing will have changed except that my life will be even more dismantled. That divorce will not be the empowering or cathartic experience I hope for.
Getting married doesn't solve problems, nor does getting divorced.

Your emotions will start to heal when you have the cancer removed. STOP engaging with her!!

D.E.T.A.C.H.

Don't
Even
Think
About
Calling/Contacting/Changing/Comforting
Her

[This message edited by ladies_first at 10:23 AM, May 28th (Tuesday)]


"We must be willing to let go of the life we planned so as to have the life that is waiting for us." ~J. Campbell
"In the final analysis, it is your own attitude that will make or break you, not what has happened to you." ~D. Galloway

Posts: 2143 | Registered: Jun 2009
tushnurse
♀ Member
Member # 21101
Default  Posted: 1:18 PM, May 28th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

AD - I am glad that you found your way back. I just wanted to say you are making progress, and doing more than you have done to resolve the situation than the previous 2 years.

Yes it hurts, yes you are sad. That is OK. You need to start healing and that will take time.

As far as it goes with your son, I would like to say that you probably need to set some small boundaries with him. He only contacts mom when he has already shared his fears/concerns/anxieties with you, and feels unresolved. This constant calling her without you knowing is undermining your ability to be a good dad.
He needs to know that you have the ability to help just as much if not more than mom does. Once that is established you will be the go to guy for him.

Lastly try to maintain NC, ,and is off balance as your STBXW has shown herself to be, I would strongly reccomend that you record each and every conversation that you have. She is a master manipulator, and I fear she will turn things around and make you out to be the bad guy if you do not protect yourself. Hell let her know that you are recording all conversations.

Time to take care of you. Quit worring about her. Worry about making AD the best, strongest, coolest, happiest man around.

((((and strength)))))


Me: FBS
Him: FWS
Kids: 15 & 17
Married for 22 years now, was 16 at the time. .
D-Day Sept 26 2008
Fully R'd, and Happy Happy Happy

Posts: 8687 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: St. Louis
Abbondad
♂ Member
Member # 37898
Default  Posted: 5:46 PM, May 28th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi, All,

Hard day.

On the 180 front, an "A." A few kid-related texts, which I responded to politely but curtly.

But a very difficult IC session, from which it took hours to recover--and only now am I decompressing. Had some epiphanies regarding,early childhood abandonment experiences, which helps me understand why I am reacting with so much violent emotion, almost out of proportion to the current situation--impending divorce.

I always sensed something else was going on on a psychobiological level involving fear of abandonment. I mean, sheer panic and anxiety to an extreme. Strange thing is, I have yet to locate its genesis in my past. I had a wonderfully close, secure early family life; I was never abandoned that I can recall.

But I do recall many incidents on which I felt abandoned: summer camp, for example, in which I suffered from extreme separation anxiety. Various romantic breakups or "never weres," when I was tormented by a girl's rebuffing of me.

I always reacted as I am now--an absolute certainty and existential dread that I would always be alone.

Irrational, I know. But it's there, and it's clearly unresolved. I spent the next few hours at home sobbing uncontrollably as I relieved many of these innocuous experiences--when I wasn't truly abandoned but reacted as though I had been.

So as painful as this is, it helps objectify the situation--knowing that losing my wife really isn't the issue, but the Fear of being "left behind."

My therapist believes this is a significant step toward healing. Plus I feel better now. So it passed. Good sign.

I guess it's to a great extent basic human nature--a vestigial reaction to the need to survive, forged over hundreds of thousands of years. Maybe I am just more genetically predisposed to it. I have always been an extremely sensitive individual.

But here I sit in Starbucks having a cup of mint tea, and life doesn't feel so horrible as it did a few hours ago.

But an additional disturbing episode: my son was outside with his buddies and came in hysterical. Seems he told his friends about the divorce (he can't even bring himself to utter the word) and one of his friends said something that upset him. I never got the full story.

Vent: I texted my wife about it, informing her ahead of her visit of the incident that he will need some extra comforting tonight with her. Her response? Well, he has therapy tomorrow. Did he eat?

It just enrages me. Doesn't she get? This is destroying us,, destroying him. His life will never be the same. He is having his family, his safe world, wrenched from him. Yeah, I know, it will likely get better and all that, but my god, how important is family to her? I want to scream at her, "Fuck meds, fuck therapy; stop your insanely selfish actions and do the right thing as a human being!"

Whew. That's it for now.


Divorced April Fool's Day 2014

Fear is the mind-killer.
Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration.
I will face my fear.
I will permit it to pass over me and through me.
-Dune


Posts: 1625 | Registered: Dec 2012
Abbondad
♂ Member
Member # 37898
Default  Posted: 5:51 PM, May 28th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

...also just want to add: I apologize if I am not responding quickly to all of,those taking the time to PM me. Your messages are caring and I truly appreciate the time you take to compose them.


Divorced April Fool's Day 2014

Fear is the mind-killer.
Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration.
I will face my fear.
I will permit it to pass over me and through me.
-Dune


Posts: 1625 | Registered: Dec 2012
Chrysalis123
♀ Member
Member # 27148
Default  Posted: 6:17 PM, May 28th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

This is destroying us,, destroying him

Dad, you are projecting onto your son.

To you, this is destroying....but to your boy? I don't think so.

He will take his cues from you. If you believe it will destroy him.....yeah this probably won't be good.

But, if you behave in a way that shows him that he is a capable and wonderful boy, that had to live through a divorce. That no matter what he has you, and you have his back. And no matter what, he can live and thrive through anything.

Yes, your boy will be sad, and upset. Life will change for you all. But is he washed up and destroyed while still in elementary school?

You get to decide....because he will take his cues from you.


Donít get to the end of your life and find that you lived only the length of it; live the width of it as well.†

Posts: 2702 | Registered: Jan 2010
Abbondad
♂ Member
Member # 37898
Default  Posted: 6:39 PM, May 28th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you. I am not saying it has destroyed him permanently; but it is destroying him at present. Perhaps there is a better word. He is very very confused. Angry. Mournful. Panicky. Afraid.

And I am doing, I believe and hope, all the right things: I urge him to express very specifically his central fears and do my best to allay them with constant assurance that we/I love him so much and will never ever leave him. I am his daddy and always will be. I hug and kiss him and joke with him until I get him through his episode.

Inwardly, though, I am very angry that our precious boy has to go through this, an innocent victim.


Divorced April Fool's Day 2014

Fear is the mind-killer.
Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration.
I will face my fear.
I will permit it to pass over me and through me.
-Dune


Posts: 1625 | Registered: Dec 2012
LoveRising
♀ New Member
Member # 38688
Default  Posted: 6:41 PM, May 28th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

...I echo Chrysalis123 100%. And I would add that there is no need to text your wife to tell her about this stuff. Your son shared the episode with friends with you. If he wants to share it with her, let him. If he is "off" at her house, let her get to the bottom of it as you did. If she is not astute enough to do so, then it's doubtful she'll extend extra caring just because you gave her a heads up. Don't look for "kid" or "finance" reasons to contact her. Just because it pertains to those subjects doesn't mean it HAS to be communicated.

Posts: 35 | Registered: Mar 2013 | From: Oregon
Abbondad
♂ Member
Member # 37898
Default  Posted: 8:06 PM, May 28th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Don't look for "kid" or "finance" reasons to contact her. Just because it pertains to those subjects doesn't mean it HAS to be communicated.

I see your point. Thank you. I am still learning the nuances of N/C and 180 and will hold back next time and first ask myself, "Does this really merit a communication?"


Divorced April Fool's Day 2014

Fear is the mind-killer.
Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration.
I will face my fear.
I will permit it to pass over me and through me.
-Dune


Posts: 1625 | Registered: Dec 2012
ButterflyGirl
♀ Member
Member # 38377
Default  Posted: 9:53 PM, May 28th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

This has been one of the biggest problems for me with No Contact. It's not just about only responding and reaching out only regarding kids and finances, but deciding what issues require responding or reaching out.

As I saw one lady put it, she told her WH, "Do not contact me unless it's to tell me to head to the hospital because one of our kids needs a kidney." :-)

If I'm totally honest, your communication with her about your son's problem with his friends really sounded like a dig at your STBXWW. Like, "Look how much damage this divorce is doing, especially to the kids, and you better show him some extra love tonight cause I don't think you are capable of that without me telling you to."

Perhaps your intention was good, but it really sounds like it came off as a dig..

I've recommended this to people before, and I'll recommend it to you. If you get a chance, google "parallel parenting" and see if you can stick with any of it..

I respond ONLY to my STBX when it comes to the basics with the kids, school stuff, schedule changes, doctor appointments, stuff like that, and I try very hard to IGNORE everything else, all his little side digs, all his attempts at discussing other things, all his accusations, everything else. This is especially true when he accuses me of things that just aren't true because I don't have to explain or defend myself to him anymore. He just wants me to engage, and I refuse to do that..

Your wife has shown where her morals are at, and I think you would do best to stop trying to get her to have a conscience. She didn't have one with you, and I'm sorry to say that this is probably going to extend to the kids. She was a terrible wife to you, so there's no reason to expect she will clean up her act when it comes to the kids.. I hope for your sake and mine that having one good parent is enough for now.. She really doesn't care what you have to say anymore, so you are wasting your breath right now..

I think it's great you've been digging deep in IC. That's awesome and shows that you are willing to take a hard look at yourself and recognize your problems and do what you can to work on them. This will help you become a better person and allow you to be a better father and not let any of those difficult traits pass on to them..

Another thought I had about you reaching out to your wife is that perhaps you have a lack of self-esteem when it comes to your parenting, like you were asking for her help regarding the situation. I really hope you keep working on yourself and can come to a point where you feel strong enough to deal with these issues on your own. In fact, you might have to combat a lot of messed up parenting she does, so I would focus on your feelings on your parenting skills in IC as well. I know I do.. I know you love them, as I dearly love my boys, but we could all use some extra techniques and ideas in our toolbox to help us become better parents..

Have a great night Abbondad! You've certainly been making tons of progress


xBW~ 35
Two DS~ 7-Eleven
"I've wiped the shit off. It can be wiped off you know." ~ Stolen from asurvivor

Posts: 2299 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: Florida, USA
LoveRising
♀ New Member
Member # 38688
Default  Posted: 10:15 PM, May 28th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

ButterflyGirl raises some good points. One of the biggest struggles in recovery from infidelity and a relationship with an undiagnosed BPD/NPD involves realizing this is just who they are. We hold on to the glimpse of "good" that we would occasionally get and we hope that one day it will just take hold and they will be that way again. We expect that they will be able to function as that person in a relationship with the children. We expect that they can be an OK human being, at least under some circumstances. But the truth of most broken people is that their ability to be "ok" is so unpredictable, that we best not count on it. Quit expecting anything from her. Quit believing that with your guidance and undying love, she'll see the light. She is not well. You can't make her well.

When you can accept these things as truths, when you can internalize them as new beliefs, you will be taking a step toward "making it" (and past "faking it").

I know it's a huge struggle, and I know as well as anyone the strong desire to answer the phone in the middle of the night and just make it all better. To find reasons to call, text, email and show how much you care, because surely that will be enough to get her back to her senses, see the light, and get well. You don't have that power with her. But you have the power to change your own thinking and therefore your experience.

You are making huge strides this week!


Posts: 35 | Registered: Mar 2013 | From: Oregon
FieldsOfLavender
♀ Member
Member # 39154
Default  Posted: 10:49 PM, May 28th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Our home is sacred.

I feel the same way. When WH moves out, I told him NOT to bring his whore into the house or near the house when he is dropping off our child or at any time!!


Posts: 198 | Registered: May 2013 | From: East Coast, USA
LoveRising
♀ New Member
Member # 38688
Default  Posted: 11:10 PM, May 28th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

"do my best to allay them with constant assurance that we/I love him so much and will never ever leave him."

Also, this: You can only make promises and assurances about your own intentions. Don't be making promises to your children about their mother's intentions.


Posts: 35 | Registered: Mar 2013 | From: Oregon
ExposedNiblet
♀ Member
Member # 30803
Default  Posted: 10:05 AM, May 29th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

There is so much wisdom to be had from the last few posts, I can't think of anything further to add.

I just wanted to tell you that you are doing great and I, for one, am very happy with how far you've come just within these past few weeks.

Keep up the great work, Abbondad. There is a light at the end of the tunnel, even though you can't see it just yet.


...Nibs


Divorced
Me ($39.95 plus S & H)
DS1(17), DS2(15)

Enjoying this chapter in my life.
Learning that being alone does not mean being lonely.
Discovering that where I've been is not as important as where I'm going.


Posts: 355 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: Right Here, Canada
Abbondad
♂ Member
Member # 37898
Default  Posted: 2:37 PM, May 29th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi,

Just exchanged the kids and she saw me crying. (Couldn't avoid physical encounter in this situation.) Shit. How many steps back did I just take?


Divorced April Fool's Day 2014

Fear is the mind-killer.
Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration.
I will face my fear.
I will permit it to pass over me and through me.
-Dune


Posts: 1625 | Registered: Dec 2012
7yrsflushed
♂ Member
Member # 32258
Default  Posted: 2:47 PM, May 29th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Just exchanged the kids and she saw me crying. (Couldn't avoid physical encounter in this situation.) Shit. How many steps back did I just take?

ZERO steps taken backwards. You are fine. So she saw you crying, no big deal. Remember what she says, does, eats, thinks, hears, smells, farts, craps, pees, no longer matters. The only thing that matters is YOU and your KIDS. If you didn't talk to her or interact with her any longer than absolutely necessary to do the kid transfer then you have kept the 180 going and did fine. Even if you didn't it's okay as well. You just start right back at it again.

The tears stop eventually as well. Just keep up the 180 and no contact and stay busy doing positive fun things each day as best you can. keep digging in counseling and working on you.


D-day 5/24/11
BH = Me
2 children
The first true sense of calm I felt in YEARS was when I filed for D...
Divorced 9/2/14 and loving life!

Posts: 1910 | Registered: May 2011 | From: VA
Abbondad
♂ Member
Member # 37898
Default  Posted: 7:02 PM, May 29th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi,

Just got back from a separation/divorce support group in my town. I had been going regularly until a few months ago, when my sons baseball practice prevented me from continuing.

Everyone was anxious to hear of my update and commented on how assured I am now; I was a wreck of hope and delusion when last they saw me. I am angry, but not the utter mess I had been. So I guess that is a good sign.

A lot of pain in that room--many poor people whose pain trumps mine: lots of women in physically abusive relationships STILL trying to find the strength to divorce. It helped alleviate my self-pity. Always someone worse off than I....

I retold my story in the group--some of whom I'd not met--and their collective reaction was the same: shock that I would be treated this way for so long but understanding how difficult it has been to finally find the strength to,divorce.

And to a person, they all said the same: once the divorce concludes, painful though it is, there is a great sense of release and relief.


Divorced April Fool's Day 2014

Fear is the mind-killer.
Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration.
I will face my fear.
I will permit it to pass over me and through me.
-Dune


Posts: 1625 | Registered: Dec 2012
Abbondad
♂ Member
Member # 37898
Default  Posted: 7:17 PM, May 29th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I just did some calculations. My wife's infidelity has this far cost us around 40000.00

Separation apartment
Most of my accumulated sick leave intended for retirement.
Therapy for us and kids.
Medication.
Hospitalization for me
Assorted infidelity-related expenses

And the divorce hasn't even begun. I feel like showing this to her, but it would only be met with anger and blame shifting.


Divorced April Fool's Day 2014

Fear is the mind-killer.
Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration.
I will face my fear.
I will permit it to pass over me and through me.
-Dune


Posts: 1625 | Registered: Dec 2012
LoveRising
♀ New Member
Member # 38688
Default  Posted: 7:42 PM, May 29th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Dad since I am not a parent, I may be totally out of line with this question but what is the arrangement as far as your sharing of the parental duties? It seems like they are going back and forth a lot. My ex had children and I know that everytime they shifted from dad to mom's or mom's back to dad's, there was all kinds of emotional upheaval and need to reacclimate. So I'm wondering if this is good? It seems like they are spending time with both of you every day. This seems chaotic.

Glad you went to the support group. Sorry that you felt vulnerable that she saw you cry, but let it go. You are doing great. But I hope I might have given some food for thought with my observation about the shared parenting. I could be way off base.


Posts: 35 | Registered: Mar 2013 | From: Oregon
crazynot
♀ Member
Member # 24572
Default  Posted: 1:29 AM, May 30th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'll second that. I know it may seem more normal to do a daily swap, but actually it's probably better for everyone to cut down on this - maybe swapping over midweek, or having them on alternate weeks, something like that? One of the reasons that I recovered after WH moved out was that, with my much older kids refusing to see him, I hardly had to see him at all. Just a note on your IC visit. I identify so much with what you felt, and with your abandonment/insecurity issues from childhood etc. It was exploring something very similar with my IC that allowed me to transform my life after the separation, and really start to live again.


Me - 50
Him - 51
DDay 21 March 2009
Divorcing and delighted!

Do you want me to tell you something really subversive? Love is everything it's cracked up to be. That's why people are so cynical about it.


Posts: 872 | Registered: Jun 2009 | From: UK
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