I totally relate to your post about the costs ($) of infidelity - don't get me started. But - what price freedom from the toxic?
Anyways - keep it up.
Don't worry--I won't give in to the urge. It's normal. It will pass. But it is so strong.
What's so horrible is that a person can be both your tormenter and your source of comfort. I guess it's the class abusive relationship, huh? He hits her and comforts her, telling her he loves her. And she stays.
Just need a few words of understanding and encouragement.
[This message edited by Abbondad at 8:09 AM, May 30th (Thursday)]
I may be totally out of line with this question but what is the arrangement as far as your sharing of the parental duties? It seems like they are going back and forth a lot. My ex had children and I know that everytime they shifted from dad to mom's or mom's back to dad's, there was all kinds of emotional upheaval
We are supposed to have a strict schedule--or so I thought--but my wife's job entails a lot of travel, and often it is not predictable. They tell her just a few days before.
But you're right. This needs to end. The kids should not be wondering where they are going to be. This far we have shifted the schedule only a day before or after what was previously agreed upon, but even that is too much.
When coparenting matters are finalized during divorce, are these binding? Must the parents adhere to the schedule?
Yes, the divorce decree is a binding contract. You have legal recourse if it is violated. Reality is that it needs to be violated repeatedly, and that is why the advice on SI is to document everything to establish a pattern of contemptuous behavior.
Speaking of that, have you thought of the precedents that are being set right now, that may be used against you? Please speak with your lawyer about this.
(((Dad))) NC NC NC
What's so horrible is that a person can be both your tormenter and your source of comfort.
If you have a bad day at work or something happens you used to be able to come home or call and vent or talk it out with your WS. That is no longer an option so you need to develop new coping skills and mechanisms. For me working out was big but I also learned to write things out, sit back feel whatever I am feeling and let it pass, or actually pick up the phone and call a friend or family member to discuss it with.
After awhile I realized most if not all of the things that used to stress me I could handle by myself. I was just going to my WW at the time because she was there. Not that it's a bad thing in a committed relationship between 2 people but it's not a good thing when there is no relationship and if there is codependant behavior involved.
Hell, some stuff I even let blow up now because, well, I now know I can't control it anyway so no need to stress over it. That one was hard for me to get but again I can only control my own actions and if the tools I have at my disposal for the particular issue don't work then I let it go.
That was probably more than you asked for but I remember being in the wanting to call my STBX phase and in reality it was more than that for me. That was just the tip of the iceberg since she WAS my coping mechanism. Now I have plenty of different outlets and you need to develop those for yrouself as well.
[This message edited by 7yrsflushed at 8:43 AM, May 30th (Thursday)]
What's so horrible is that a person can be both your tormenter and your source of comfort
I am waiting to see if FWW will ever again become a source of comfort or support for me. After the betrayal, so many lies, so much saying what she thought that I wanted to hear....
I am a much more independant person than I was during the M. More like before the M.
Of course, his work schedule has him working 4 to 9 a.m. Monday through Friday, so with my new shark lawyer, I'm hoping to get the standard every other weekend schedule at the next mediation in a couple of weeks.. If it can be one of us watching the kids rather than mom, dad, brother, daycare, etc., (in his case MOW), it really should be one of the parents watching the children if they can.. And I work from home, so I'm always available to watch them.. Suck on that buddy..
I'm no lawyer, but I think what you guys officially set out now will start setting a precedence, but things change, schedules change, things happen, so I think extenuating circumstances could warrant a revisit to the schedule.. But everyone is correct:
NO CONTACT and DOCUMENT!!!!!
Big hugs to you. Keep fighting that urge to contact her. That will NEVER lead to what you want. If this is ever going to get to a healthy relationship, it's going to start with her contacting you saying all those things you mentioned wanting to say to her.. And then her actions would have to back up her words.. You are a LONG WAY OFF from that..
Just an update. Yesterday was rocky, but I think a success overall.
No contact except for one brief kid-related text!
But many urges to communicate over the course of the day, as well as agonizing over her not contacting me. But I got through them and congratulated myself.
Crying jags here and there.
Therapy is going really well. Delving into serious personal issues that helped contribute to the situation leading UP to the infidelity. Issues that I now understand and am determined to resolve so I can move into my future relationship emotionally healthy.
Oh, and for around one minute the clouds lifted and I had a moment of clarity: the emotional abuse, the million lies, the shocking depth of the deceit, just the abominable way I have been treated overall. And I felt disgusted with myself, but also more sure of my decision.
I hope these moments return more often and ultimately will be sustained. The anger helps.
This morning I burst into tears waiting for the kids at the bus stop, which was not good. My six year old had to comfort me. "Do you miss Mommy?" she asked. I felt terrible that she witnessed this and had to assume the role of comforter, but these bouts of emotion come suddenly, with no warning, no discernible trigger. Otherwise I would have hidden this from her.
Now I am angry again...
NC today! Stay strong!!
..that feeling you get in your stomach, when you heart's broken. It's like all the butterflies just died.
I think its OK to be emotional in front of the kids, but maybe not too often and don;t put them in the role of supporter - it sounds like you are very aware of that and are not doing this so again good job.
As for arrangements with the kids, so much depends on your circumstances and what will work for the kids. My arrangements are not 'standard' but they ARE consistent. I have the kids two night during the week and every second weekend - its 6-7 nights per fortnight for me depending on what happens on Sundays.
We have stuck more or less to this schedule now for two years. Many will say that its too much to and fro and it should be week about or even 4/3, but those simply did not work for us. The kids know where they are going to be and have settled into it well. Find something that works for you and the kids.
I know nothing about the legal system in the US but I am sure that what you do now will set some kind of precedent. Here in the UK when it comes to D the courts will only really order changes in the parenting arrangements if they think that the status quo is detrimental to the kids. Parental appeals don't cut it - it only about the kids.
At the outset by WW wanted more time with the kids but I dug my heels in and fought for the contact that I have - she now agrees that this was best for them (although that took her a long time). I did that because I knew it was in their interests and also I knew that I was setting a precedent - establishing a status quo that the courts would need to see a reason to change. I don't see a reason now - its working for us, and everyone has settled into it.
So - think about this. Your challenge is that you are dealing with a very flaky WW - we all did to greater or lesser extents, but yours maybe more difficult than many. At least I was able to negotiate direct rather than through lawyers.
You will know what's best for your situation, but consider the longer term here too.
Good luck and keep up the good work.
Our origional agreement of every other weekend, and visits during the week didn't cut it.
Luckly we are at a point that we are working together as parents. When he comes into town he can see his son whenever he wants to (unless there is some event that was previously scheduled). I do my best to ensure he has a relationship with his dad, and his dad has all the access he wants. The ball is in his court.
Kids do adapt. Mine is 12 so he understands a lot better than younger kids, but they will adjust to the schedule changes.
HOpefully you can get something a little more reliable worked out yourself.
[This message edited by ninebark at 7:21 AM, May 31st (Friday)]
N/C today, but going through intense withdrawal and anxiety. Hanging out with my bro, which is better than being alone, but it is not abating.
Please help "talk" me through it. Fear not, I won't contact her, but I am not doing well...
This feels like it won't get better...
I miss the "good her" so intensely.
As far as parenting schedules, you don't have to stick to whatever is in the decree as long as both parents agree. These things come before the courts only when there is a disagreement. It is definitely better for the kids to have a consistent a schedule as possible, given the work limitations. Is it possible to set out a schedule at least a week or two in advance?
Also any changes to the official schedule, be sure to get your stbx's agreement in writing (plan changes via email, doesn't have to be formally written and notarized or anything) so that you have evidence of her agreement should she come back later and say you're keeping the kids during her time.
Sending STRENGTH Brother.
You can do this. Man up.
When life knocks you down...Calmly get back up, smile, and very politely say, 'You hit like a bitch
[This message edited by Mikey56 at 11:11 AM, May 31st (Friday)]
I distracted myself the first few months with books. Nothing serious or heavy, just fun reads...and music...and exercise.
Also, if you feel the urge to contact her, write everything in a word document. At least you "got it out".
Yes, it is OK to be sad around your kids, but you don't want to emotionally burden them either. They are not your emotional support...you are theirs. Nothing wrong with them knowing occasionally you are hurt too, but follow it up with "This is a part of life, things change, and I am going to move forward and be happy. You don't have to worry about me. I love you."
Also, therapy is emotionally hard. I still feel wiped out after some sessions. I usually rebound in a day or two...but I expect it now.
I am reading The Journey from Abandonment to Healing. Very good, very relevant to what I am experiencing. I also ordered Getting Past Your Breakup.
((((Stay Strong Friend))))