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Divorce/Separation     Print Topic    
User Topic: Abbondad Part II...
Abbondad
♂ Member
Member # 37898
Default  Posted: 2:38 PM, May 31st (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks, Jaime. I actually have done that, but not for awhile. I found it very upsetting, but I guess that means it was cathartic.

One thing I did do today while reading The Journey from Abandonment to Healing is start an exercise designed to help one through the withdrawal stage of abandonment. It is a bit embarassing, but I am willing to try anything; plus it claims great success.

You essentially divide oneself into two parts--the Little "you" and the Big "you." And then you write a dialogue between the two, giving voice to the child within and the adult self.

The premise is valid at least in my case: my anxiety, fears, and dread arise from the deprivation of a child's needs--comfort, security, predictability, consistency, maternal love, etc. Nothing so original--we all still have that child within and a strong bond with another that breaks results in terrible deep trauma, even if the child, like me, never really was abandoned as a child. The reaction is still deeply rooted in the brain.

In any case, it was an interesting exercise and indeed was a bit helpful. Its ultimate objective is to enable one to bring the two together--the child and the adult--to form a more complete person, one who is capable of self-soothing and is comfortable with being alone, since the adult self is assuring the child self that he will not leave him. (The adult will never leave the child.) "We" are OK by ourselves.


Divorced April Fool's Day 2014

Fear is the mind-killer.
Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration.
I will face my fear.
I will permit it to pass over me and through me.
-Dune


Posts: 1627 | Registered: Dec 2012
LonelyHusband
♂ Member
Member # 34145
Default  Posted: 3:16 PM, May 31st (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It is a bit embarassing, but I am willing to try anything; plus it claims great success.

I don't think it's embarrassing buddy. I read that book and did that excercise. Didn't help me a bit the first time tbh, but I wasn't really doing it, I was doing it with an end in mind, and then got to the end and thought "well that didn't help".

give it a little time and do the excercise again, but throw your heart and soul into it. you'll find it helps more once you can really throw the truth into it.


BS ( me) 41
fWS (OktoberMest) 35
D day #1 29/10/2011, D day #2 15/112011, D day #3 15/03/2012
Reconciling.
Its better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all, is inadequate consolation when you vacuum up a child's hamster'

Posts: 1290 | Registered: Dec 2011 | From: UK
Abbondad
♂ Member
Member # 37898
Default  Posted: 6:31 PM, May 31st (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

And so a good end to a difficult day of withdrawal.

My wife called while I was playing drums and actually enjoying it; it's been awhile. I let it go to voicemail and made myself keep playing well beyond her message.

She wanted to say goodnight to the kids. She has texted me in the past few days as she is furious I told her I want a divorce. Her voice was soft and conciliatory. (Don't worry, I'm not falling for the possible Hoovering.)

She called my sons phone and he cut her short, as he was playing with his friends.

I am not taking pleasure in this. I am proud of struggling through my 180. But it did make me sad: she is calling her home, which is filled with kids and joy. She rejected this world of family. Depressing. Such self sabotage....


Divorced April Fool's Day 2014

Fear is the mind-killer.
Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration.
I will face my fear.
I will permit it to pass over me and through me.
-Dune


Posts: 1627 | Registered: Dec 2012
Abbondad
♂ Member
Member # 37898
Default  Posted: 7:50 PM, May 31st (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

OK, final post of the day--cuz it's a good one. WW insisted on talking on the phone, as we really did need go over quite a few things regarding the kids: music lessons, summer camps, doctors' appointments, etc.

So I steeled myself by reading a few columns by Chumplady for inspiration.

And I was quite detached! She was in her all-business cold persona. I remained distant and polite.

Of course now that she returned from her business trip, she "needed to decompress so she can be where she neds to be with them."

Translation: I can't handle them.

Once again, she has messed with the schedule. I have had them way more than I was supposed to, in spite of her declaring that the schedule must be adhered to--and god forbid if I rearrange it.

I know, I know, put my foot down. But the kids are always better with me, and I like being with them. They keep me calm and busy. So I will do it for the kids.

She was peeved that my son was curt with her on the phone, and that my daughter expressed no interest in saying goodnight to her last night.

"She didn't ask about me?"

"Nope."

"They are doing OK?"

"Yup, fine."

Silence.

"Well, I think Son needs to go on more anti-anxiety meds."

"He is fine. When he gets anxious, I calm him down and he's fine."

"OK, I'll talk to you later."

Click.

No, they aren't pining for her. They are doing well in our home, the world they love. You left it.

I know, I shouldn't be caring about what she is thinking, acting, etc. But I do. And I am not using the kids against them. I only speak well of her to them, always reminding them that Mommy loves them.

Again, the situation of her making is just tragic. A dismantled family for what? For what?

I think I did well on the phone in any case. I am not shattered, I am not obsessing, I am not emotional. That cold tone reminded me just why I am done.


Divorced April Fool's Day 2014

Fear is the mind-killer.
Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration.
I will face my fear.
I will permit it to pass over me and through me.
-Dune


Posts: 1627 | Registered: Dec 2012
standingonmarble
♀ Member
Member # 31217
Default  Posted: 8:42 PM, May 31st (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

This is good for your case. Document all the time spent with you and WHAT you do for them. The judge will look at that and realize that you provide the stability and parenting on a consistent basis. Get a journal if you haven't already and just make short notes everyday. Judges like this stuff. If you want to be the custodial parent in the long run, be the one who does the majority of it.

You have come so far.


At one time he was a man standing on marbles. Now I am a woman standing on marble.....

We are done fighting with each other and decide to fight FOR each other.


Posts: 738 | Registered: Feb 2011
FaithFool
♀ Member
Member # 20150
Default  Posted: 8:56 PM, May 31st (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You handled that really well.


DDay: June 15, 2008
Mistakenly married Mr. Superfreak
20 years of OWs, WTF?
Divorced Dec 26, 2011
"Life is a shipwreck, but we must not forget
to sing in the lifeboats". -- Voltaire

Posts: 17549 | Registered: Jul 2008 | From: Canada
alphakitte
♀ Member
Member # 33438
Default  Posted: 8:56 PM, May 31st (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

A dismantled family for what, you ask.

For lust.


------ Some people are emotional tadpoles. Even if they mature they are just a warty toad. Catt

Posts: 350 | Registered: Sep 2011 | From: 3 klicks north of Ambiguous
gonnabe2016
♀ Member
Member # 34823
Default  Posted: 9:33 PM, May 31st (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Once again, she has messed with the schedule. I have had them way more than I was supposed to

As unseemly as it sounds....document this for CS purposes.

CS is typically calculated on the amount of overnights. Do NOT allow a *fictitous* amount of overnights to be awarded to your wife.

During mediation, while Sultan was insisting on more overnights than my own L was comfortable with....I told him flat-out not to take on more than he can handle. I was completely fine with whatever custody arrangement that he wanted (except I reserved Sunday night for me)...but he needed to be SURE that it *worked* for him. I made it clear that I was no longer *available* to pick up his slack.

You have to think a bit strategically here, AD. And I don't mean that in a bad way...but you you have to be realistic. If your WW insists that she wants the kids for 70 or 80 or 90% of the time...will she realistically, over time, adhere to that?

The two of you are no longer *partners*. Remember that.


"Oh, what a tangled web we weave when first we practice to deceive." - Sir Walter Scott

In my effort to be *concise*, I often come off as blunt and harsh. Sorry, don't mean to be offensive.


Posts: 8087 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: Midwest
JamieMc
♀ Member
Member # 37776
Default  Posted: 11:20 PM, May 31st (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hey Dad, glad to hear you are fighting for your kiddos! My WH has a history of self sabotage, some of it probably rooted in FOO issues, adopted etc... He has found the writing exercises difficult but also cathartic. One book we have really found helpful is "Taming your outer child", has been VERY helpful for him. We are trying to R but whether we succeed in staying married or not, WH has to get himself on track b/c we will always share kids and God willing, one day, Grandkids:) I think you are getting stronger everyday, feel free to PM if you need a friend. All the best Jamie


BS early 50's Wh also early 50's. I am Jamie, Mom to 3 great teens/young adults. My WH and I have been together more than half of our lives and married 25+. We are in MC & going to give R our best shot, hoping and praying for a better 2013!

Posts: 112 | Registered: Dec 2012 | From: USA
LonelyHusband
♂ Member
Member # 34145
Default  Posted: 1:16 AM, June 1st (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

nicely done.

Now document it as everyone says - you want to judge to see you as the stable, reliable parent, and her as the unstable one, because otherwise it will be her word against yours.


BS ( me) 41
fWS (OktoberMest) 35
D day #1 29/10/2011, D day #2 15/112011, D day #3 15/03/2012
Reconciling.
Its better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all, is inadequate consolation when you vacuum up a child's hamster'

Posts: 1290 | Registered: Dec 2011 | From: UK
DeadMumWalking
♀ Member
Member # 25341
Default  Posted: 1:32 AM, June 1st (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

((((Abbondad))))

Not to be a broken record, but jumping in here again because it's so important:

Once again, she has messed with the schedule. I have had them way more than I was supposed to

DOCUMENT this. Please. Document all of your time with them, all of the arrangements, all of the times she changed the arrangements at the last second, all of the times she BLEW THEM OFF. You can do this with a journal or calendar. Because she is going to want to collect CS from you, and she is prepared to LIE to get it. And as gonnabe alluded to: do NOT keep them all day and then have them sleep over at mommy's.

She is NOT. YOUR. FRIEND. You CANNOT trust her to do what is right - not what is right by her own children, and most certainly not what is right by you.

Try to avoid picking up the phone when it's her. I'm not sure why you can't agree on the arrangements by email. It will help YOU more to have the smallest amount of direct contact with her that is possible.

Have you gotten a lawyer yet? Please do get one - the sharkiest one you can afford - and take their advice. Follow their instructions to the letter.

Hang in there, you are doing great.

((((Abbondad))))


Me (BS), Him (WH): early 50's
3 DS: teens!!! :)
M: 25 (19 1/2 at Dday), Together 30
Dday: Dec 2008
Limbo-ish, again (after multiple S) -- weighing my options

Posts: 2612 | Registered: Aug 2009 | From: EU
crazynot
♀ Member
Member # 24572
Default  Posted: 6:09 AM, June 1st (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yes, this is all fantastic stuff, Abbondad. Echoing what others have said, get a fantastic lawyer. I found it so empowering and although our D isn't yet final, I count my amazing solicitor as a friend.


Me - 50
Him - 51
DDay 21 March 2009
Divorcing and delighted!

Do you want me to tell you something really subversive? Love is everything it's cracked up to be. That's why people are so cynical about it.


Posts: 873 | Registered: Jun 2009 | From: UK
Abbondad
♂ Member
Member # 37898
Default  Posted: 7:09 AM, June 1st (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Good Morning Everyone,

I am up on an early Saturday since my six year old violently shoved me awake. I felt good--no obsessing over WW (what is she doing, what is she thinking, etc.)

And then my son asked me excitedly when his mom was coming for him. (He hadn't seen her in four days and barely spoke to him, as she only calls to say goodnight.). I told him that contrary to what she'd promised him, she was not coming today.

The look on his face cut my heart out. "What??"

I assured him that we'd have fun, I would take him to his music lesson (something which she'd insisted on signing him up for and declaring that she would take him) and she would come tomorrow.

Forget the schedule stuff for a moment. I am just so angry. What does love mean to these people? Is it a transient feeling? Does it not define itself through action?

Or is it not for us to understand....


Divorced April Fool's Day 2014

Fear is the mind-killer.
Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration.
I will face my fear.
I will permit it to pass over me and through me.
-Dune


Posts: 1627 | Registered: Dec 2012
Neithan
♂ Member
Member # 35924
Default  Posted: 7:35 AM, June 1st (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I assured him that... she would come tomorrow.

You're doing a good job, but don't assure him of things you can't deliver on. Especially things that depend on his mom's behavior. Tell him that mom said she'd come tomorrow, and do so in a way that doesn't imply doubt on your part.

My two cents, anyway.

Enjoy your kids, keep doing the next right thing, and continue healing.


Me: BH
Her: WW
D-Day: 2/19/2010
Married 1981
That which does not kill me makes me more irritable

Posts: 333 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: Among the Gaurwaith
LoveRising
♀ New Member
Member # 38688
Default  Posted: 9:52 AM, June 1st (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You're doing a good job, but don't assure him of things you can't deliver on. Especially things that depend on his mom's behavior. Tell him that mom said she'd come tomorrow, and do so in a way that doesn't imply doubt on your part.

I agree with this 100%. As I mentioned earlier, do not make any promises or even statements about her intentions. Kids take everything literally. This is huge damage developing here. If she wants to break her promises, that is her poor decision-making. Don't be complicit by promising him things that you have NO control over!! Even "how much she loves him". You can only speak to your own feelings and behaviors. She's too unpredictable and, I have to say it, ill.


Posts: 35 | Registered: Mar 2013 | From: Oregon
Abbondad
♂ Member
Member # 37898
Default  Posted: 3:58 PM, June 1st (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi,

The Daily Report. It was Ok until driving back from music lessons with the kids. Then I burst into wracking sobs. (This was after WW texted me about summer camp for the kids.)

They got into a fight over who was going to comfort Daddy. Tragic but funny, I guess. (I love my kids!).

Daughter said, "Don't worry, Daddy, Mommy is coming tomorrow."

God, do I want this to end....


Divorced April Fool's Day 2014

Fear is the mind-killer.
Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration.
I will face my fear.
I will permit it to pass over me and through me.
-Dune


Posts: 1627 | Registered: Dec 2012
5454real
♂ Member
Member # 37455
Default  Posted: 4:19 PM, June 1st (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Daughter said, "Don't worry, Daddy, Mommy is coming tomorrow."

God, do I want this to end....

Time for a talk with the children brother. Sounds like they aren't processing what is really going on. Don't continue to give them false hope.

The first step to ending this is filing.

Strength


BH 51, WW 42
DS 23(Mine),SD 21,SS 20(Hers),DS 9 Ours, DGS 3, DGD 1 mo
D=Day #1 5/04EA (Rugswept)
D-Day #2 3/10/12, TT til 3/13/12
Married 10yrs
I have no love for a friend who loves in words alone.
― Sophocles, Antigone

Posts: 2995 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: midwest
solus sto
♀ Member
Member # 30989
Default  Posted: 4:38 PM, June 1st (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Texts are for things like, "I'm in the driveway" on pick-up day.

I would establish a firm boundary about communication with your stbx.

Breaking into wracking sobs over a text about camp---while your KIDS are present---is to be avoided.

Certainly,it's okay for children to see parents express emotion.

But over a text about camp? That is the kind of stuff that should be put into an email for you to read at your leisure. When the kids aren't present.

Because no, it's not even a little funny that the kids fight over who will comfort you.

Again, there is NOTHING wrong with kids seeing emotion.

But you're in a bad place, emotionally, and they should be protected from some of the rawness. Email unless it's emergency or a simple, "In the car, ready for kids" or "I'll be about 10 minutes late."

Regarding the rest: document everything, and STOP reassuring your kids about their mother. You cannot be sure she will do what she says; don't become a participant in her letting the kids down. (It's also not your job to tell them that she loves them. Focus on yourself.)


BS-me, 52
WH (Trac-fone), 53, PD
2 kids-DD25, DS18
multiple d-days
DIVORCING
Alone, most strangely, I live on~Rupert Brooke

Posts: 8848 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: midwest
Abbondad
♂ Member
Member # 37898
Default  Posted: 4:46 PM, June 1st (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you. I meant to comminicate that after the fact it was tragically funny--kids doing what they usually do (fighting in the car). I saw nothing funny about it in any true sense. It's just a surreal situation.

I did not respond to the text. Just the fact that it came over so matter-of-factly reminded me that we really have no family anymore.

My WW had told my son she is coming tomorrow and he told his sister. I will no longer assure them of anything having to do with her.


Divorced April Fool's Day 2014

Fear is the mind-killer.
Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration.
I will face my fear.
I will permit it to pass over me and through me.
-Dune


Posts: 1627 | Registered: Dec 2012
Abbondad
♂ Member
Member # 37898
Default  Posted: 12:10 PM, June 2nd (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi, Everyone,

The WW just left with the kids for a few nights and as usual I am a wreck seeing her drive off with them.

And of course I broke down as soon as I saw her and could not stop sobbing. I simply can't help it, unlike her, who wears a poker face. Sayeth the WW generously, "I am only calm and collected like this because you are like that. I fall apart too on my own..."

And yet again, she said for the thousandth time mournfully, "We BOTH hurt each OTHER." I used to respond to this and it would escalate into a pointless fight. I did not respond. Yay me.

Her still towing that bizarre framing of events actually gives me a jolt of resolve, as it reminds me just how delusional and beyond hope she is.

I told her I want a collaborative divorce. She still wants a mediated divorce. The fact that we can't even agree on what KIND of divorce is proof that a mediated divorce would not work!

(We are NOT going to litigate, as I explain in a recent post. It's the only thing we can agree on.)

Anyway, I just want to get the damn process started. Right now I am still in that awful spin cycle of emotions, and filled with anticipatory anxiety about the divorce proceedings. I want to move on this, get on a linear path of pain en route to the other side, and eventual healing.


Divorced April Fool's Day 2014

Fear is the mind-killer.
Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration.
I will face my fear.
I will permit it to pass over me and through me.
-Dune


Posts: 1627 | Registered: Dec 2012
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