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Divorce/Separation     Print Topic    
User Topic: Abbondad Part II...
Abbondad
♂ Member
Member # 37898
Default  Posted: 6:28 PM, June 3rd (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I pretended he died.

I have often wished she had. Not I. A vindictive way--I love her--but it would be SO much easier. Maybe horrible or selfish to say... But my biggest fear used to be my parents dying. How would I survive without them? How would I ever get over it?

And then they died. And I suffered. I howled. I grieved. But it got better very steadily.

It always shocks me because the intensity of grief I am in far outweighs the grief I experienced over my parents' death.

I guess it's because I know they really are gone, physically. There is simply nothing I can do about it. Plus they never hurt me; there were no unresolved issues over which I might have been tormented.

They are not "out there" in life, enjoying themselves without me. There is no betrayal.

Strange thing, forms of grief....


Divorced April Fool's Day 2014

Fear is the mind-killer.
Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration.
I will face my fear.
I will permit it to pass over me and through me.
-Dune


Posts: 1588 | Registered: Dec 2012
LoveRising
♀ New Member
Member # 38688
Default  Posted: 8:50 PM, June 3rd (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

They are not "out there" in life, enjoying themselves without me


Way-way-wait. You have to stop thinking like this, Dad. WW ain't enjoying NOTHING ( ;-) that's for you, prof).

WW is in utter misery because she is BROKEN and ILL. She gets no joy out of OM, only momentary gratification. She has no joy, no enjoyment. She is an empty shell of a person from EVERYTHING you have described about her behavior, communicative and otherwise. Get it out of your head that she is off having this wonderful life while you are left sobbing.

Then your next assignment (I can teach, too!!) is to think about, journal about, and start to internalize the fact that this fairy tale romance you have constructed for the two of you is a fairy tale. It doesn't exist. If it did at one time, it doesn't anymore and it's not coming back. That may seem brutal and the thought of it made me sob and sob and sob when I had to realize it. But when you truly realize THAT PERSON DOESN'T EXIST and neither does that fantasy relationship (at least anymore), you will be healing at last. And, it is even possible that you will realize that it never was what you thought it was. That thought may seem horrifying to you now, but in a relatively short amount of time in my situation, it was really freeing.


Posts: 35 | Registered: Mar 2013 | From: Oregon
gonnabe2016
♀ Member
Member # 34823
Default  Posted: 9:29 PM, June 3rd (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'll reel you in a bit about the whole *maybe-it-can-work-out* scenario.....

Normal.

You see your kid hurting and upset and you want to *fix* it. So you start doing the mental gymnastics of how *you* can make it work.

Sad fact is that you can't. Just as you have to go through your grieving process, your son needs to go through his. And your job is to help to give him the skills and the tools that he needs to get through this. "Mommy can do what she wants" is a fine response. It teaches him that other people think for themselves and her *problem* isn't his to fix or solve. (lesson #1). Rugsweeping is not allowed. (lesson #2)

I've told you before that Sultan pulled the whole "we're gonna be a happy family" bullshit on my kids. And then reneged. And then reneged again. I will never....not EVER...forgive him for jerking them around like that.

You know that your WW would just stomp all over their little hearts again if she gets her foot in the door.

Just carry on, AD. You're doing fine. There IS an end to this crap eventually.....you just have to walk through the fire to get there.


"Oh, what a tangled web we weave when first we practice to deceive." - Sir Walter Scott

In my effort to be *concise*, I often come off as blunt and harsh. Sorry, don't mean to be offensive.


Posts: 7944 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: Midwest
tushnurse
♀ Member
Member # 21101
Default  Posted: 7:46 AM, June 4th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

AD - Stop - The M you knew, the woman you loved is no more. Yah she is still alive, but she is definitely not the person she was or who you believed she was. You need to remind yourself of the mean, vindictive, ugly person she has become when you have these thoughts, and wishes.

And YES it is normal to wish separation occured by death. It would be oh so much simpler. I R'd, and I too wished this more than once, my H had massive MI 2 weeks after his 40th birthday, and was in the throws of his A at the time, I knew something was wrong, but had no proof at that point. So yah the thought crossed my mind "too bad he lived" It would have been hard, but again it would have been so much easier....

I also believe that you will feel much much better once you know how this whole thing is going to play out, so when you meet with the mediators, or actually file. This will make it real, and give you and idea of what to expect.
Fear of the unknown is very hard to manage, and creates overwhelming anxiety in almost every aspect of life. Remember the college days, and taking a test in a really hard class and worrying yourself to death waiting for the grade to be posted? Ever get a bad diagnosis, but had to have more testing, or wait to get answers from the Dr? The anxiety you are feeling is the same type as this, there is a real chemical reaction that happens when it occurs. You need to allow yourself a specific time frame to have your crying jag each day, preferably after the kids are in bed, and then when it hits you during the day, do something physically taxing. This does 2 things, causes your brain to focus on what you are doing AND releases endorphins, go get yourself some yoga CD's this takes a great deal of focus.

You will get through all of this, and you will find as time goes on that each day will be a little better, and then you will suddenly realize one day that hey I am actually happy.

((((and strength ))))


Me: FBS
Him: FWS
Kids: 15 & 17
Married for 22 years now, was 16 at the time. .
D-Day Sept 26 2008
Fully R'd, and Happy Happy Happy

Posts: 8238 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: St. Louis
Abbondad
♂ Member
Member # 37898
Default  Posted: 10:33 AM, June 4th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi, Everyone,

Bad news and good news.

I backslid badly. In the midst of one of my breakdowns I told my wife that I can't let go of our home....or us.

Forgive me. I can't forgive myself for this. I feel like I just utterly blew it, took a million steps back in my progress.

I texted this to her and even as I did, I screamed aloud at myself for writing this. It just came out.

Her response: "Ok. Now you are making me cry."

It came about when my wife texted me about her ideas for keeping the kids in the house for another year. In other words, I freaked out when I realized she was indeed going along with the divorce--not stalling, not begging to come back.

It was agonizing--her indicating this and my own response. I am horrified at myself.

I am en route to therapy, thank god.

The good news: I set up an appointment with my attorney for tomorrow morning. She is great and can be a shark or a fine collaborative attorney. (I still want collaborative, not mediation.). In any case I need her advice and really need to feel that someone has my back.

Thank you as always.


Divorced April Fool's Day 2014

Fear is the mind-killer.
Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration.
I will face my fear.
I will permit it to pass over me and through me.
-Dune


Posts: 1588 | Registered: Dec 2012
Chrysalis123
♀ Member
Member # 27148
Default  Posted: 10:52 AM, June 4th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

AD, you are going to backslide. And every time you do, I hope you will notice you recover more quickly. The you will notice the episodes are farther apart.

And one glorious day, you will notice you are detached and indifferent.

I am an elementary teacher. The kids that handle this the best are the kids that know age appropriate truth.

If they don't know the truth, they concoct something horrible usually starring themselves as the evil-doer.
They say /think things like, "If only I hadn't argued with Mommy she would still be here."

Please consider telling him the truth. It will ease his suffering and anxiety to know there is a reason for this.

Secondly, you want him to KNOW you will always tell him the truth, ALWAYS.


Donít get to the end of your life and find that you lived only the length of it; live the width of it as well.†

Posts: 2651 | Registered: Jan 2010
Abbondad
♂ Member
Member # 37898
Default  Posted: 11:15 AM, June 4th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Please consider telling him the truth. It will ease his suffering and anxiety to know there is a reason for this.

Chrysalis,

Are you saying I should tell him that Mommy took a boyfriend while married to me? I just can't do that. I know the truth is so important, but I don't think this is age appropriate.

Plus it would create terrible enmity between his mother and me. And this would be even worse for him than if I lied.

Anyone else's thoughts on this? I just don't see the benefit of doing this. He will know in a few years, or at least be able to figure it out when he meets the OM. (I am sure his mom will never tell him the reason why we divorced, since she has always been convinced that her infidelity was/is "not the issue."


Divorced April Fool's Day 2014

Fear is the mind-killer.
Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration.
I will face my fear.
I will permit it to pass over me and through me.
-Dune


Posts: 1588 | Registered: Dec 2012
standingonmarble
♀ Member
Member # 31217
Default  Posted: 11:33 AM, June 4th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

People change all the time, no one stays the same. That goes for your kids too. They will change (grow up) and as they grow up, they will learn more about the world which will cause them to change the way they think about their world.

Mommy and Daddy don't feel the same for each other as we did in the beginning, people change, just as you will. Its a fact of life.

Whirl that around in your mind for awhile and the words to say to him will come.

No contact means no new hurts. Keep the wall up with her.


At one time he was a man standing on marbles. Now I am a woman standing on marble.....

We are done fighting with each other and decide to fight FOR each other.


Posts: 737 | Registered: Feb 2011
LonelyHusband
♂ Member
Member # 34145
Default  Posted: 11:37 AM, June 4th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Anyone else's thoughts on this? I just don't see the benefit of doing this. He will know in a few years, or at least be able to figure it out when he meets the OM. (I am sure his mom will never tell him the reason why we divorced, since she has always been convinced that her infidelity was/is "not the issue."

Be nice for him to be able to think "At least dad was honest with me" instead of "why did everyone lie to me".

Been there. Done that. My family spent years avoiding the truth me with and my brother about our parents. They did it to protect us. We just wished they had had the courage to be honest.

[This message edited by LonelyHusband at 11:39 AM, June 4th (Tuesday)]


BS ( me) 41
fWS (OktoberMest) 35
D day #1 29/10/2011, D day #2 15/112011, D day #3 15/03/2012
Reconciling.
ďItís better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at allĒ, is inadequate consolation when you vacuum up a child's hamster'

Posts: 1290 | Registered: Dec 2011 | From: UK
confused615
♀ Member
Member # 30826
Default  Posted: 11:47 AM, June 4th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

^^^^^THIS^^^^^


Chances are she hasn't been as sneaky with the Om as she thinks..and your DS already knows more that you think he does.

He is old enough to be told the truth. What's worse than the truth? Being lied to.

"When 2 people get married,they make promises to each other..they commit to each other..to love only each other for the rest of their lives...mommy broke that promise"

"Does mom have a boyfriend?"

"Yes,son,she does."

Simple as that.

No..WW won't like it..but who cares? You need to realize you are no longer a team...you need to do what is right by your child,regardless of what WW thinks.

[This message edited by confused615 at 11:47 AM, June 4th (Tuesday)]


BS(me)42
FWH 45
4 kids..21,20,11,10
M: June 2001
D-Day: 8/10/10
Status: Happily Reconciled.

..that feeling you get in your stomach, when you heart's broken. It's like all the butterflies just died.


Posts: 7320 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: Indiana
philly172
♀ Member
Member # 19024
Default  Posted: 3:28 PM, June 4th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Anyone else's thoughts on this? I just don't see the benefit of doing this. He will know in a few years, or at least be able to figure it out when he meets the OM. (I am sure his mom will never tell him the reason why we divorced, since she has always been convinced that her infidelity was/is "not the issue."

I have not posted on your threads but I have been reading them & wanted to chime in on this one point..
I was brutally honest from day 1 with my kids who were 9, 12 & 14 at the time of WH affair.. WH did not keep OW a secret from them.. DD was 9YO & she took the A the hardest.. even going to a point of writing & asking WH to pick between her or OW, he hurt her deeply when he told her he couldn't choose. She was devastated..

I kept assuring her that WH was a little confused but he still loved her & we both did.. I made sure she knew *I* would always be there.. Yes, Dad was the villian for quite a while as your wife will probably be if you tell your son, but WHO CARES?????? She brought this on..

Not to be harsh but what do you think is better.. a son who knows he can trust his Dad to tell him the truth.. or a son who is calling you from the bathroom crying worrying about a D ? kids at that age in a separation situation need to feel confident that at least one parent will always be there.

FWIW.. My WH & I are in semi R right now & my kids are now (going on) 21, 19 & 16 & all 3 of them say the A was the hardest thing they dealt with but they also ALWAYS thank me for not hiding anything from them.. Strangely, the A brought us closer together & forged a bond between the 4 of us that no one can break.. they love their Dad but they are much much closer with me


"Sorry" works when a mistake is made, but not when trust is broken. So in life, make mistakes, but never break trust. Because forgiving is easy, but forgetting & trusting again is sometimes impossible

Posts: 4779 | Registered: Apr 2008 | From: Not in Philly.. it's just a screen name :-)
Chrysalis123
♀ Member
Member # 27148
Default  Posted: 6:57 PM, June 4th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage


"When 2 people get married,they make promises to each other..they commit to each other..to love only each other for the rest of their lives...mommy broke that promise"

"Does mom have a boyfriend?"

"Yes,son,she does."

AD, I was thinking something just like this.


Donít get to the end of your life and find that you lived only the length of it; live the width of it as well.†

Posts: 2651 | Registered: Jan 2010
ExposedNiblet
♀ Member
Member # 30803
Default  Posted: 6:58 PM, June 4th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Plus it would create terrible enmity between his mother and me.

So what?

AD, with all due respect, you need to stop caring how your STBXW is going to react to things you say or do - it no longer matters.

You know your kids deserve the truth. To keep it from them is simply protecting your STBXW and putting her needs above theirs.

Why would you choose to do that?

A long time ago, when my XH and I were just starting out on this nasty road, I had the delusional idea that somehow, we would be able to have an amicable divorce, despite the issue of infidelity. We'd be friendly throughout it and when the dust had settled, we'd be able to enjoy some version of our married life together, just divorced. (Of course, we were quite pleasant with each other... at least until the topic of alimony came up. Then it got real nasty, real fast.)

The things you say sometimes with respect to your STBXW, I am getting this same vibe from you. Maybe I'm wrong, but for whatever reason, I think you are hoping that this is about as nasty as it will get between the 2 of you, and in the end, you'll still be able to be "friends".

Abbondad, you will find out soon enough on your own, but please listen to me- this hope is just a fantasy. It will not happen. I have yet to see an amicable divorce when there are boyfriends or girlfriends involved.

Look, you've made such great strides in these last few weeks. You've been given wonderful advice from many folks who have walked through the fire and lived to tell about it. By now, you are surely aware that the advice being given to you comes from a place of compassion and caring, but most of all, from experience.

Your dear son is showing signs of obvious distress now. If everyone here is urging you to tell him the truth, don't you think you should at least consider it?

As always, Abbondad, we're here for you. Good luck.


Nibs


Divorced
Me ($39.95 plus S & H)
DS1(17), DS2(15)

Enjoying this chapter in my life.
Learning that being alone does not mean being lonely.
Discovering that where I've been is not as important as where I'm going.


Posts: 355 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: Right Here, Canada
Abbondad
♂ Member
Member # 37898
Default  Posted: 8:05 AM, June 5th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi Everyone,

Thanks as always for your thoughts/advice. I read all your posts carefully, even if I don't respond specifically to everyone. It's just so comforting to know you are out there listening and posting.

This morning I picked up our kids from the WWs apartment. It's around a half hour from their school. The reason I usually pick them up and take them to school is because if I did not, they would be late every day. She cannot be relied on to get them there on time.

So my reasoning is I do it for them, even though it benefits her. Plus I get a little more time with them on the way to school.

(For ten years, in fact, I woke her up for work every morning--even if I did not have to wake up until later.)

Anyway, this morning was really rough. Of course not only were the kids not ready, they were all sleeping. The alarm was going off and nobody was budging. As usual, she did not get them to sleep until late on a school night.

I teared up badly seeing my broken family sleeping there, like all was well, like it was for so many years. It was very very hard to see. It just seemed so normal. I miss my family so much.

This was really bad for my NC and 180. It has ruined me for the day. I cried with my children in the car all the way to school. Something I have been resolving not to do (crying in fromt of the children).

So I took my wife into the other room and told her that if I pick them up for school, I am no longer coming into the apartment--that she needs to have them ready and to send them down to the parking lot where I will be waiting in the car.

She was not pleased with this. She does not like it when i put down boundaries. But this is necessary to my healing. She is also going on another business trip for four days, so that's good. No face to face. Back to business/kid related texts.

So, just something I feel good about today (my boundary-setting.).


Divorced April Fool's Day 2014

Fear is the mind-killer.
Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration.
I will face my fear.
I will permit it to pass over me and through me.
-Dune


Posts: 1588 | Registered: Dec 2012
alphakitte
♀ Member
Member # 33438
Default  Posted: 8:12 AM, June 5th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

So my reasoning is I do it for them, even though it benefits her.

Check yourself when you think like this, it is more of the KISA syndrome.

It doesn't help anyone to shelter them from the consequences of lifestyle choices.

Good for you for setting boundaries. Now comes the job of maintaining them consistently.


------ Some people are emotional tadpoles. Even if they mature they are just a warty toad. Catt

Posts: 349 | Registered: Sep 2011 | From: 3 klicks north of Ambiguous
tushnurse
♀ Member
Member # 21101
Default  Posted: 8:45 AM, June 5th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

If she is an unfit mother, and not putting their needs first, she shouldnt have them. PERIOD.

You realize how insane this sounds right? You get up in the morning, on days that you don't have to, drive to your STBXW's home, and pick up the kids because she is incapable of getting them up fed and out the door in time for school. That sounds like poor poor parenting.

I would suggest you inform your attorney of this tidbit of info when you see them. You should rework the schedule to the point where she only gets them on days they don't have to be at school. She says she wants them, and I think she may, but it's for her own manipulative reasons. Not because she loves to spend time with her kids. She wants them, so you can't have them.


Me: FBS
Him: FWS
Kids: 15 & 17
Married for 22 years now, was 16 at the time. .
D-Day Sept 26 2008
Fully R'd, and Happy Happy Happy

Posts: 8238 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: St. Louis
LoveRising
♀ New Member
Member # 38688
Default  Posted: 8:46 AM, June 5th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Remember that whole fake it til you make it thing that I mentioned earlier? Changing your attitudes will lead to a change in your behavior and your way of being?

One way to to do this, I have learned through my own spiritual beliefs, is to start with the language you use. Do you notice people on here going through a divorce refer to their ex-partners as "STBXW" (or H)..?? That is hugely powerful. Quit calling her your wife. Language creates a mental reality, Dad.

Also, don't decide at 9 AM that you are "ruined for the day" and label it as so. DECIDE that even though you had a bad morning, you are going to get yourself together and do something positive for yourself to make something good out of the day. (not that you can't have a good cry when you want to, but just don't label your existence so negatively).

And GREAT job setting that boundary. As i was reading, I was thinking "oh my GOD, why is he going in?" Please, please stick to the new plan. And if she doesn't follow through by having them ready, tell her that she will need to start being responsible for her time with them, 100% (as it really should be, anyway).


Posts: 35 | Registered: Mar 2013 | From: Oregon
7yrsflushed
♂ Member
Member # 32258
Default  Posted: 8:54 AM, June 5th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

So I took my wife into the other room and told her that if I pick them up for school, I am no longer coming into the apartment--that she needs to have them ready and to send them down to the parking lot where I will be waiting in the car.

As others have stated, this is still saving her from herself wrapped up in I am doing it for the kids. Actions have consequences and the easiest way to resolve this is that whichever parent has the kids is responsible for everything with the kids when they have them.

IMO, you should set that precedent now. For instance what happens when you go back to work and can no longer take them to school everyday or it's less convenient for you. Also your lawyer will likely tell you this but when the new school year starts make sure the school knows whatever the schedule is you agree upon as well as any custody agreements. So if your WW decides not to take the kids to school or keeps getting them their late the truancy officers or police will come knocking on her door instead of yours. Keep documenting this stuff as well.

Keep moving forward Abbondad!


D-day 5/24/11
BH = Me
2 children
The first true sense of calm I felt in YEARS was when I filed for D...
D hopefully official any day now, off to check the mail again.

Posts: 1899 | Registered: May 2011 | From: VA
ButterflyGirl
♀ Member
Member # 38377
Default  Posted: 9:58 AM, June 5th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm sorry if this is harsh, but dude, she has you so snowed right now.

How very convenient for her that she gets her overnight for child support/visitation purposes, but you get all the hassle of waking up in the morning and getting the kids ready for school?? Really??

You HAVE to stop doing for this woman. She is not a toddler. She is a grownass woman manipulating you.

My WH is the same way, he would always feign ignorance or stupidity or inability so that I would have to pick up the slack. But he fired me from the job of picking up his slack. He's got a new bitch for that. She's obviously pretty terrible at it, but NOT MY PROBLEM.

She is NOT YOUR PROBLEM.

I know you say it's for the kids, but the best thing for the kids is for her to step up and be the damn mom. You are ENABLING her. And if she doesn't step up, document, document, document and get primary custody of those kids.


xBW~ 35
Two of the most darling sons ~ 10 and 7

Posts: 2110 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: Florida, USA
DeadMumWalking
♀ Member
Member # 25341
Default  Posted: 10:15 AM, June 5th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Of course not only were the kids not ready, they were all sleeping. The alarm was going off and nobody was budging. As usual, she did not get them to sleep until late on a school night.

Dude. Document. Give to your SHARK LAWYER. The crazy stops when YOU say it does.

((((Abbondad))))


Me (BS), Him (WH): early 50's
3 DS: teens!!! :)
M: 24 (19 1/2 at Dday), Together 29
Dday: Dec 2008
re-separated (in-house), for good (??) <-- should really remove these, shouldn't I...

Posts: 2555 | Registered: Aug 2009 | From: EU
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