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Divorce/Separation     Print Topic    
User Topic: Abbondad Part II...
Brokenpetal
♀ New Member
Member # 39230
Default  Posted: 10:17 AM, June 5th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

AD, I have been following your thread, I don't have advice, but because I see a lot of myself in you. How you react, respond, feel, etc, it's pretty much the way I feel and see myself.

I started the 180 just a couple weeks ago, we are in in-house informal separation. Logistically we can't really separate probably until the end of summer. But I wanted to start to detach now, so it would be easier down the road.

Anyways, I can see myself in many of the same situations in the future, and I can see myself reacting in ways that will hurt only myself. I just wanted you to know, that reading of your struggles, and reading every ones advice, has given me some tools/ammunition and some things to think about for the future. I just wanted you to know that. When I DO leave, I will be coming back to this thread and re reading it. Sharing your struggles is helping you to become stronger, and it's helping me too. It's sad and amazing at the same time to be on this site and to see how parallel some of our lives are....

Thank you. You are courageous to be so open and share yourself so honestly with strangers, and to listen and heed their advice. I don't have that kind of courage yet, but I'm hoping to.


Posts: 38 | Registered: May 2013 | From: California
Abbondad
♂ Member
Member # 37898
Default  Posted: 11:29 AM, June 5th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks for the feedback, everyone.

For instance what happens when you go back to work and can no longer take them to school everyday or it's less convenient for you.

I did tell her the other day that once my work resumes, I will not be taking them to school.

It is just very hard to drop her utterly to be on her own when the children are involved, you know?

So sure enough, my experience this morning has set me back a bit--lots of angry sobbing. But I think I got it out of my system before my kids get home. And I have a project lined up for the next few days--painting the bedroom. The kids will like this, and it is a therapeutic activity--transforming the house, looking toward the future (assuming hopefully I can stay in the home with the kids).


Divorced April Fool's Day 2014

Fear is the mind-killer.
Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration.
I will face my fear.
I will permit it to pass over me and through me.
-Dune


Posts: 1647 | Registered: Dec 2012
Abbondad
♂ Member
Member # 37898
Default  Posted: 11:34 AM, June 5th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you. You are courageous to be so open and share yourself so honestly with strangers, and to listen and heed their advice. I don't have that kind of courage yet, but I'm hoping to.

Wow, Brokenpetal, thank you so much. I sure don't feel courageous in the least. But I'm sure glad I can help someone by sharing my struggles.

In house separation was awful for me. While it wasn't an "official" separation, the atmosphere was so tense and volatile. I miss my wife and intact family terribly, but it is so much better not to freak every time I heard that text alert, or wondering why she was late from work, etc. and then lying awake next to her, agonizing and analyzing why she wasn't six inches closer to me than the night before.... Real separation brings its own pain, but 180 and NC will be so much easier for obvious reasons.


Divorced April Fool's Day 2014

Fear is the mind-killer.
Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration.
I will face my fear.
I will permit it to pass over me and through me.
-Dune


Posts: 1647 | Registered: Dec 2012
7yrsflushed
♂ Member
Member # 32258
Default  Posted: 2:53 PM, June 5th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It is just very hard to drop her utterly to be on her own when the children are involved, you know?
Yep, I get it man. I felt like an asshole combined with a little sad sack the first few times I actually told my STBXWW NO when she asked me to do something or I set boundaries initially. It was so easy to fall back on what USED to be. Believe me it gets easier the more you do it. If i have to pull my weight then she has to pull hers especially since she fired me from all husbandly duties. The kicker is once you actually detach and she realizes that you REALLY don't give a crap about her anymore is when the kids guilt trip usually comes out in full force. It's like the last thing they have to try to control you after you detach from them. I got hit with let's go out for family dinner or take the kids out to a museum. My response was we are no longer a family and won't be doing family activities together. I will take the kids out to do what I want and she can do the same but nothing together. Did I feel like an ass the first few times I said it, yep, but then I remembered that the fact that we couldn't do shit as a family anymore was the result of HER actions and choices not mine.

I can't speak for others but for me I am saying that's why it's best to start the trend of each parent does all when they have the kids. It takes away that form of hoovering up front. Of course if something comes up and you really do need to get the kids do it but not for something like she can't get out of bed.

[This message edited by 7yrsflushed at 2:56 PM, June 5th (Wednesday)]


D-day 5/24/11
BH = Me
2 children
The first true sense of calm I felt in YEARS was when I filed for D...
Divorced 9/2/14 and loving life!

Posts: 1914 | Registered: May 2011 | From: VA
standingonmarble
♀ Member
Member # 31217
Default  Posted: 9:18 PM, June 5th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You might have to deal with some lateness at school or such, but realize that it won't be for ever. Better to for her to learn now how to handle the kids when they are young than compared to when they are older and attendance/tardies can really mess them up academically.

Not that I support this but it might be a fact of life for you in this situation. Don't let her shortcomings send you off into a tizzy.

If the kids end up learning to be more responsible with their morning routine on her time, because of her inabilities, that's ok, its a great life skill to have. Your kids will learn and adapt to each house. How you guide them in adapting will be most important.


At one time he was a man standing on marbles. Now I am a woman standing on marble.....

We are done fighting with each other and decide to fight FOR each other.


Posts: 738 | Registered: Feb 2011
Ready4NewStart
♂ New Member
Member # 38871
Default  Posted: 10:05 PM, June 5th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

AM I they only one that thinks this is the biggest troll on the internet right now ? If so Dad you deserve props..If not you need to nut up in a big way...Your wife is tooling you out.


Me: BH 42
WW: NPD
DD: 6/2009
Divorced: 4/2010

Posts: 14 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Southeast US
seriouslylostit
♀ Member
Member # 23987
Default  Posted: 1:26 AM, June 6th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Adad,

I don't usually post but I have followed your story and want to weigh in. I have always been truthful with my kids. I want them to know they can take what I say to the bank and have the comfort and peace that the truth brings along with the love brought by the times the truth was painful to tell. They get to know they are much more important than putting myself first in pain management. And this really pays off later at a time where you need them to know you're telling them the stone cold truth (simplistic example, "if you cross the street without looking eventually you're gonna get hit" can save their lives. )

And the obvious - if you don't tell them the truth they will eventually look back once they've added 2and 2 and say to themselves - they both lied to me and were happy to keep me in a dark place of confusion and doubt. Do you want to be lumped in with stbxWW and her easy lying ways? I didn't think so.


Posts: 843 | Registered: May 2009
momentintime
♀ Member
Member # 16394
Default  Posted: 1:33 AM, June 6th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

....and what happens when you arrive next time and the kids don't come out of the house? You will fall back into the KISA mode, tell yourself it is for the kids, and walk up to the door and do exactly what you did today. Wife wins again, she knows you don't mean any of the boundaries you set because you fold every time.

Only you can change this. If the kids are late, it is on her. Let her face the school due to her bad behavior. Stop softening all the real life blows she should be taking. You aren't helping her. YOU CAN NOT NICE HER BACK....please learn this lesson....for all your sakes.


BS-me FWS - him
D-day 8/04
R'd

"Global editing disclaimer - I edit almost everything I post, and I am not going to post why every time."...re: Bionical girl


Posts: 2988 | Registered: Sep 2007 | From: New York
jo2love
♀ Moderator
Member # 31528
Red  Posted: 6:48 AM, June 6th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Ready4NewStart -

Baiting or calling out others is a guideline break. On SI we never, ever accuse a member of being a troll. In the future, let a Mod know if you have concerns.


Posts: 36043 | Registered: Mar 2011
LoveRising
♀ New Member
Member # 38688
Default  Posted: 8:27 AM, June 6th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

So I just picked up my nine year old from the nurse's office at school. He had called me from the restroom crying. Said he was "scared about you-know-what."

Turns out a few of his classmates had been telling him about their parents' divorces--how their mom and dad hated each other, fought all the time, one or the other didn't see them much, etc.

Sorry to revert back a couple of pages here. But I am so concerned about your kids, as I know you are. Does the school staff, or at least your kids' teachers, know what is going on? It strikes me as odd that they sent your son home to the "nurse's office" and eventually home early over this crying episode. I know my ex did everything possible to create and sustain normalcy for her DD and DS when divorcing their father. Why did he need to come home? I hope that you have support from his teacher, and that in the future, you can give him the courage when he calls to stay and do what kids are supposed to do: be in school and have fun. (Also, around here, kids aren't allowed to have their phones on and available during the school day)


Posts: 35 | Registered: Mar 2013 | From: Oregon
Abbondad
♂ Member
Member # 37898
Default  Posted: 6:27 AM, June 7th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Does the school staff, or at least your kids' teachers, know what is going on? It strikes me as odd that they sent your son home to the "nurse's office" and eventually home early over this crying episode. I know my ex did everything possible to create and sustain normalcy for her DD and DS when divorcing their father. Why did he need to come home?

Hi, Loverising,

Yes, his teacher was informed of the situation. There was a substitute that day, which probably helps explain why he even had his phone.

I told him to go to the nurses office, as he said he was having trouble breathing. (I'm sure he was having a little panic attack.). School is out now, so we will hopefully have some time to work on establishing normalcy so he can start the next school year feeling more at ease.

I saw my attorney yesterday, which was very helpful. She put me at ease about a lot of concerns. I know she will have my back and guide me through the process.

I miss my wife intensely though. It's been three days of total NC. I'm past the immediate withdrawals, but it is so hard to be in our house with all the memories and reminders. I can't even sleep in our bed alone.


Divorced April Fool's Day 2014

Fear is the mind-killer.
Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration.
I will face my fear.
I will permit it to pass over me and through me.
-Dune


Posts: 1647 | Registered: Dec 2012
alphakitte
♀ Member
Member # 33438
Default  Posted: 8:20 AM, June 7th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Do whatever it takes to take your life back and establish normalcy in your household. If that means switching bedrooms, or getting a new bed, do it.

It is important to establish a safe place for you and one within which you aren't triggering in front of your children.

You can do this. I totally understand the feeling that you can' t, but that is a feeling and not a fact.


------ Some people are emotional tadpoles. Even if they mature they are just a warty toad. Catt

Posts: 350 | Registered: Sep 2011 | From: 3 klicks north of Ambiguous
ladies_first
♀ Member
Member # 24643
Default  Posted: 9:28 AM, June 7th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I can't even sleep in our bed alone.

[DS]said he was having trouble breathing. (I'm sure he was having a little panic attack.)

These two reactions are likely connected; your DS is feeling your emotional distress.

Where do you sleep when DD and DS are at your house?

[This message edited by ladies_first at 9:28 AM, June 7th (Friday)]


"We must be willing to let go of the life we planned so as to have the life that is waiting for us." ~J. Campbell
"In the final analysis, it is your own attitude that will make or break you, not what has happened to you." ~D. Galloway

Posts: 2143 | Registered: Jun 2009
tushnurse
♀ Member
Member # 21101
Default  Posted: 9:43 AM, June 7th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Time to redo the bedroom. Get a new bed, rearrange the furniture, change it up so it feels different. I think you mentioned painting it, so that's a good start.
Get rid of her stuff. If she still has stuff there, box it up, get it gone. If you aren't seeing it every day it will help.

((((and strength))))


Me: FBS
Him: FWS
Kids: 15 & 17
Married for 22 years now, was 16 at the time. .
D-Day Sept 26 2008
Fully R'd, and Happy Happy Happy

Posts: 8744 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: St. Louis
Abbondad
♂ Member
Member # 37898
Default  Posted: 10:10 AM, June 7th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Where do you sleep when DD and DS are at your house?

That's the only time I sleep in "our" bed. They sleep with me.


Divorced April Fool's Day 2014

Fear is the mind-killer.
Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration.
I will face my fear.
I will permit it to pass over me and through me.
-Dune


Posts: 1647 | Registered: Dec 2012
ladies_first
♀ Member
Member # 24643
Default  Posted: 10:49 AM, June 7th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I can't even sleep in our bed alone.

That's the only time I sleep in "our" bed. They sleep with me.

Time for Dad to get himself a new bed, or whatever else it takes, so kids can get back to 8+hours of solo sleeping.

Time to google self-soothing methods, rather than teach your children co-dependent behaviors!


"We must be willing to let go of the life we planned so as to have the life that is waiting for us." ~J. Campbell
"In the final analysis, it is your own attitude that will make or break you, not what has happened to you." ~D. Galloway

Posts: 2143 | Registered: Jun 2009
standingonmarble
♀ Member
Member # 31217
Default  Posted: 12:04 PM, June 7th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Nip the co-sleeping ASAP. If she finds out she could use it against you in court when settling custody.


Realize that everything you do could be used in court. Unfair, but that is the way it is, especially for men.


At one time he was a man standing on marbles. Now I am a woman standing on marble.....

We are done fighting with each other and decide to fight FOR each other.


Posts: 738 | Registered: Feb 2011
DeadMumWalking
♀ Member
Member # 25341
Default  Posted: 12:36 PM, June 7th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Was co-sleeping with the children something that you and WW did before the split?

If not, WHY are you doing it now?

Please do not put your children in the role of comforting you. You are the parent. Man up and fake it till you make it.

If your children are joining you because they are now afraid to sleep alone due to fear of abandonment, you need to nip this in the bud. Re-establish bedtime rituals that end up with them in their own beds, and morning wake-up rituals that reassure them that you are there for them and you are not leaving them.

If you and WW did not practice co-sleeping with your children before the split (and possibly even if you did), the others are right that this could possibly be used against you in the D.

Everyone here gets that the breakup of a family is traumatic for all involved. But you MUST figure out a way to keep yourself together in front of your kids. Be there for them, be their support, be their ROCK to lean on. Give yourself a certain time of day that you will do your crying. Or several times if necessary. But just NOT in front of the kids. Figure out how you will be strong for them.

It is not their job in life to coddle you through your D with their mother. But in several of your posts, it appears that you are putting them in that position. (Please forgive me if I misread something, but that's how it looks.) This is creating a really dysfunctional dynamic, and is not good for the children.

Please work to right this messed up scenario, do it for your children.

((((Abbondad))))


Me (BS), Him (WH): early 50's
3 DS: teens!!! :)
M: 25 (19 1/2 at Dday), Together 30
Dday: Dec 2008
Limbo-ish, again (after multiple S) -- weighing my options

Posts: 2625 | Registered: Aug 2009 | From: EU
incredulous
♀ Member
Member # 16737
Default  Posted: 1:03 PM, June 7th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Please ask your doctor for some anti-depressants. I understand your grief; I felt it, too. I'm concerned about your children, though, and how often you seem to be sobbing with or in front of them. I think it is okay for them to see some emotion, but they need to know that you're okay.
I tried really hard to keep my wails & uncontrolled sobbing under control till DD was asleep. I found out years later that she could heart me, and was absolutely terrified by it. She was afraid to tell anybody how she felt because she thought they would take her away from me.
Please ask about meds. You will feel better, and suo will your children.

[This message edited by incredulous at 1:05 PM, June 7th (Friday)]


me: BW, now 52;
DD now 16 (adopted by me as single mom, so XWH was "Dad")
married: June, 2005, together since July, 2002
d-day: 10/21/07;
Divorced July, 2008 and he never looked back...

Posts: 1214 | Registered: Oct 2007
Chrysalis123
♀ Member
Member # 27148
Default  Posted: 1:10 PM, June 7th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Nip the co-sleeping ASAP. If she finds out she could use it against you in court when settling custody.

THIS!!!!!!!! How old are your kids and what sexes?


Donít get to the end of your life and find that you lived only the length of it; live the width of it as well.†

Posts: 2726 | Registered: Jan 2010
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