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Divorce/Separation     Print Topic    
User Topic: Abbondad Part II...
tushnurse
♀ Member
Member # 21101
Default  Posted: 1:51 PM, June 7th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Co sleeping is quite unhealthy for all parties involved.

It does not allow for good solid uninterupted sleep. Each person has their own bed, and they use it. Period.

I was militant about this when my kids were small. My oldest had issues with bad dreams from about 3-8. He would wake up, and come down to our room. He didn't wake me up, but would curl up on the floor on my side of the bed, he felt safe, and he didn't wake me. I have always had sleep issues, and getting solid rest is very important to me.

My DD was only allowed to sleep with us as an infant for obvious reasons of convienence. This ended when her weekly ear infections ended. She was a binky baby, so I really didn't have an issue with her. She knew how to self sooth.

Good solid sleep for you is essential to your healing. Are you sleeping 6-8 hours a night? If not get something to help with that. Your body needs that to help you heal overall. Good clean sleeping habits are essential too. Same bedtime routine, if you don't fall asleep in 15 minutes of laying down, get out of bed, and do something quiet, reading etc. NO ELECTRONICS THOUGH.

Others are right too, if the Vindictive WS catches that they are sleeping with you, bad accusations could fly. Sorry.

You are getting stronger each day. You will be such a catch when you get through all of this....


Me: FBS
Him: FWS
Kids: 15 & 17
Married for 22 years now, was 16 at the time. .
D-Day Sept 26 2008
Fully R'd, and Happy Happy Happy

Posts: 8194 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: St. Louis
tushnurse
♀ Member
Member # 21101
Default  Posted: 12:51 PM, June 10th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Uh Oh did I kill the AD page????

AD let us know how you are.


Me: FBS
Him: FWS
Kids: 15 & 17
Married for 22 years now, was 16 at the time. .
D-Day Sept 26 2008
Fully R'd, and Happy Happy Happy

Posts: 8194 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: St. Louis
standingonmarble
♀ Member
Member # 31217
Default  Posted: 6:22 PM, June 10th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I don't think so, I hope he had the kids this weekend and it went well. I hope he held his boundaries in place and stayed strong. I hope he posts soon.


At one time he was a man standing on marbles. Now I am a woman standing on marble.....

We are done fighting with each other and decide to fight FOR each other.


Posts: 737 | Registered: Feb 2011
Abbondad
♂ Member
Member # 37898
Default  Posted: 8:50 AM, June 11th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi, Everyone,

I am still here. Just took a break from SI to try and collect myself after a serious NC/180 falter and subsequent awful few days.

WW came over to get the kids and ended up doing laundry, cleaning my bathroom, saying something in her "shifted." Whatever the hell that means. Was wearing her wedding ring and getting close to me. She also alluded to a future together, asking if I was contacted by an employer from out of state. (We had discussed in the past moving to this state.)

What little progress I was making promptly fell apart and I spiralled back emotionally to how I felt months ago.

Her actions and words are nothing new. They have come to mean nothing to me intellectually. Yet there again appeared the "illusion of family" and it's been killing me emotionally. The "what if" and "if only" fantasies and hope have been rekindled and I am a wreck.

As a result I have not begun divorce proceedings. I did see my attorney, and it was very upsetting--the reality of it, a life and family utterly dismantled, all we have worked for in tatters, financially, emotionally...

Thank you for your advice regarding the kids' sleeping arrangements. They slept in their own beds last night. My nine year old was OK with it, buy my six year old did not take it well. I had to lie with her for at least an hour before she fell asleep and then snuck out.

I know most of your will likely advise me to just push past the pain and start the divorce. But I am such a train wreck right now emotionally I just can't do it. My attorney gave me a bunch of "homework" (financial affadavit, assessment of home value, pension fund, etc.) and it is just overwhelming--or at least seems so in my emotional state.

I think I need to calm down, and get back to NC/180. I just despise these mind games, conscious or not, that my WW plays.

Thanks as always, friends.


Divorced April Fool's Day 2014

Fear is the mind-killer.
Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration.
I will face my fear.
I will permit it to pass over me and through me.
-Dune


Posts: 1586 | Registered: Dec 2012
StrongerOne
♀ Member
Member # 36915
Default  Posted: 10:20 AM, June 11th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

One thing at a time, A-Dad. Chose one of the things your attorney gave you and work on that -- give yourself a reasonable but close deadline (say, 4 days or one week) to complete it and send it in to yr atty. Then do the same thing with the next item. (eat the elephant one bite at a time...)

Please do not let your cheating soon to be ex into your house. Please. She doesn't live there. The kids don't live there most of the time. Maybe try visualizing these encounters -- when she drops off or picks up the kids, when she phones, when she texts -- and see yourself choosing NC. Work out exactly what you will say (or, not say! NC!) and do. That's a good trick for anything that makes you anxious.


DDay Feb 2011.
In R.

Posts: 853 | Registered: Sep 2012
confused615
♀ Member
Member # 30826
Default  Posted: 10:30 AM, June 11th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You need to change the locks on the doors and tell her she is not to come in anymore..she doesn't live there. As long as she continues this,you won't move forward.

Change the locks. She shouldn't be coming in and playing "wife." She shouldn't be cleaning YOUR bathroom or doing YOUR laundry. She decided she didn't want to be your wife anymore, so stop letting her mindfuck you.


BS(me)41
FWH 45
4 kids..21,20,11,9
M: June 2001
D-Day: 8/10/10
Status: Happily Reconciled.

..that feeling you get in your stomach, when you heart's broken. It's like all the butterflies just died.


Posts: 7303 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: Indiana
realitybites
♀ Member
Member # 6908
Default  Posted: 10:38 AM, June 11th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

This infidelity stuff knocked the you know what out of me and I am usually one smart cookie.

So don't feel bad if you need to go to the doctor or get something for anxiety. And something to help you sleep. I thought I did not need anything but once my doctor saw me she prescribed a little something to help with my sleep, etc.... and it was the best thing I did for me. Helped me thru these highs and lows.

Find out if you can ask your doctor for anything. It doesn't make you a sissy to ask for help. Because these highs and lows you go on will make you crazy.


Posts: 5632 | Registered: Apr 2005 | From: florida
thenon-goddess
♀ Member
Member # 31229
Default  Posted: 8:54 PM, June 11th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Abbondad, this is my first time commenting in your threads, though I've followed them all along. Your latest update has me concerned. I think you already know there will be no more NC and no more 180. In fact, I don't think you were ever really "all in" with the 180. I think you were going through the motions, but you still are trying to shake her out of it. Lawyer or not, I don't believe you really intended to go through with any divorce.

This will all come out as a 2x4 - I'm not trying to be hard on you or mean, just telling it how I see it -

I think you are living in a fantasy. You speak of the past and how you just want that wife back, but she's not just gone...she never was. You are living in a fairy tale and your Belle is screwing Gaston. And guess what? People don't just wake up one day and decide to be a shitty person...they always were one to some degree.

I can understand your reluctance to let go. IIRC, your parents have both passed away? Is it possible that this "love" for your wife is really more about a fantasy you have created in your head and her being a constant, or the person remaining, after you lost your parents? A fear of being alone?

You have shared enough about your wife that I have a hard time imagining your wife is really a good person. I think you are hanging on to a fantasy and one day, sooner rather then later, hopefully, the truth will set in...there is no happily ever after, Abbondad. Your wife has shown you who she is, the only thing left is for you to accept it. It's really as simple as just being honest with yourself. Stop living in the fantasy and start focusing on the reality. She is not coming to her senses and her cleanign your bathroom was nothing more then an attempt to continue to keep you on the hook. You are married to a frigid ice box who could barely bring herself to hug you, let alone have sex with you. When you issued the ultimatum, she showed you - she left. She has an apartment. She is not begging you and fighting for you. That is the reality. Make a list if it helps. Stop focusing on the fantasy you created and try making a list of the negatives - it helps. I have one for my husband right now. It goes like this:

If I stay with this man, I will be staying with a man who...

was willing to leave his kids for a whore

etc. etc.

Stop focusing on those happy memories that may or may not even be a total reality, and start focusing on the now - she's not worthy of your tears, your time or your love.


Status: divorcing
Typing on an iPhone - please excuse the typos!

Posts: 1238 | Registered: Feb 2011
momentintime
♀ Member
Member # 16394
Default  Posted: 2:22 AM, June 12th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

WW came over to get the kids and ended up doing laundry, cleaning my bathroom, saying something in her "shifted." Whatever the hell that means. Was wearing her wedding ring and getting close to me. She also alluded to a future together, asking if I was contacted by an employer from out of state. (We had discussed in the past moving to this state.)

Mission accomplished. You have backed off on the divorce because she played you again. She has you firmly placed as her backup plan if this all fails. Do you really think you could bury all the damage from this upheaval and pain to you and the kids, if she comes back and plays happy family as if nothing happened? Didn't you try this already?

The M you had is dead....gone forever. Major damage has been done to you and your children. You can't go back. Right now she is pushing your buttons to keep you standing still or worse going backwards in your healing, raising your hopes because she SAYS she has had a shift. Cleaning your bathroom and clothes do not make for a loving, caring wife.

THEN, after her being so nice.....well, she went back to OM, is sleeping with OM, emotionally giving to the OM. Let him be primary male in her little family.
You....you have a clean bathroom and laundry plus a boatload of false hope. Not a fair trade.

Once she sees you have backed off and she can continue to cake eat, it will be back to being cold and anger with you.
Just saying. You have to protect yourself from her emotionally yanking you around. you simply must stop the hope, it is feeding your ongoing pain. JMHO.

[This message edited by momentintime at 2:33 AM, June 12th (Wednesday)]


BS-me FWS - him
D-day 8/04
R'd

"Global editing disclaimer - I edit almost everything I post, and I am not going to post why every time."...re: Bionical girl


Posts: 2938 | Registered: Sep 2007 | From: New York
PanicAttack53
♂ Member
Member # 34195
Default  Posted: 3:35 AM, June 12th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Good God AD, this is just so hard to see, especially from someone who has been in your shoes and has come out on the other end of this shit storm.

I've stayed away from your thread because you were getting such good advice. I can no longer do that because It's tearing my heart out watching you go through the same mistakes I did. Please AD, get a hold of yourself. You know this woman is toxic. You know how well she plays you. Damn dude, you are her Stradivarius and she only has to pluck your strings for you to jump back and fall down the rabbit hole again. STOP.IT.PLEASE! Time to finally get off that crazy train AD and do what's right for you and your kids. Yeah, shes playing them too dude, so if you won't stand up to her bullshit for yourself, at least try and do it for them.

You've been told this over and over. Your marriage is dead! D.E.A.D! It may have never even existed. Sorry dude, but it's time to get tough with you. Go to the L and file the damn papers. Change the damn locks and *NEVER EVER* let that controlling bitch back in your house again!

NC, NC, NC, 180, 180, 180, FILE, FILE, FILE!! Those are the only things that will get you out of this mess and into a new life. A life that you and your kids deserve. Your W is batshit cazy AD and you can't keep letting her control you this way. It will only end up in more hurt, more pain and who knows what for your kids. Really dude, can you live with that!? So stop it it already... buck up and do what you know you have to for you *AND* your kids!

There *IS* life on the other side AD. A really good substantial, fulfilling life. But only if you have the balls to take hold of it. Can you do that? Can you do the right thing for your kids!? You really don't have a choice AD. Good lord, if anything, she's proven that to you time and time again!

JUST.DO.IT!!!

PEACE Brother.

[This message edited by PanicAttack53 at 3:39 AM, June 12th (Wednesday)]


Me-BH Her-XWW | B/ 60 | D final on 10/1/13 I'm Lovin' life again!
Rest of the story really doesn't matter any more.
“Realize deeply that the present moment is all you have.” ― Eckhart Tolle

Posts: 868 | Registered: Dec 2011 | From: Midwest
velveteer
♂ Member
Member # 30997
Default  Posted: 3:48 AM, June 12th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

AD - you are letting her drive here.

The "what if" and "if only" fantasies and hope have been rekindled and I am a wreck.

She has not rekindled these fantasies - you have. They are YOUR fantasies. And it is you that can stop them.

You are causing yourself more pain. She is continuing to manipulate you to her own advantage. You need to put an end to this and you need to accept this for what it is.

This is not a 2x4 - we have all been there and its hard, but it is now necessary for your own well being.

V


Divorced

Posts: 870 | Registered: Jan 2011
nomoreplease
♂ Member
Member # 32755
Default  Posted: 8:12 AM, June 12th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

AD,

I haven’t posted on your threads before mostly because I couldn’t really add anything that wasn’t already being said, but I think a little look at my experience here might be helpful.

I held on to any little hope my STBXWW would give me (like you), and she used that to string me along and manipulate me (much like your WW). Long story short, I spent 2.5+ years working on myself and getting to the point where she couldn’t manipulate me anymore. And do you know what? As soon as she realized she didn’t have that power over me anymore, she filed.


Divorced...and moving on!

Posts: 403 | Registered: Jul 2011
Abbondad
♂ Member
Member # 37898
Default  Posted: 8:43 AM, June 12th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Good God AD, this is just so hard to see, especially from someone who has been in your shoes and has come out on the other end of this shit storm.

Panicattack,

I just read your narrative. It was very painful, and to be honest, although there is resemblance to my narrative, I am scared that it will end as yours did--with my wife simply leaving.

But I am clinging to the hope that your and others' post-divorce happiness gives me.

Everyone, I know I addressed this before (7rs, to you especially), but I just cannot shake myself of the emotional conviction that I will not be happy after divorce and "officially" losing my family. I know intellectually that fear--terror at times--is holding me back. Velveteer, you addressed this before in the context of your story and it was helpful. (You detailed what your feared and found afterwards that each fear was unjustified.).

Here is another honest admission. And it is in no way meant to be critical of anyone or presumptuous. It's just what I find myself using as excuses to stall. So it is my problem. But here is what goes through my mind after reading many of your responses. I hope you can help set me straight with regard to this (likely mistaken) mindset:

"Everyone is so sure and so strong and confident in their 2x4s. But there is so much anger at their exes. Did they really love their spouses like I love mine, despite what she has done and is doing? They can't possibly have. This woman is the love of my life. Our roots are so deep. Our marriage was largely wonderful prior to the disaster. So much love, so much intimacy, so many shared joys and sorrows. How can I possibly give this up when there is even a slim ray of hope that we can eventually reconcile?

If we divorce, reconciliation will be impossible. Too much ugliness will have occurred. And if we divorce, I will still love her and will still suffer, and probably worse; the difference will be that I will have completely dismantled what we have built over ten years."

Again this is just an honest report of what goes through my mind.

Please respond. Thank you, friends, for being here for me.


Divorced April Fool's Day 2014

Fear is the mind-killer.
Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration.
I will face my fear.
I will permit it to pass over me and through me.
-Dune


Posts: 1586 | Registered: Dec 2012
Abbondad
♂ Member
Member # 37898
Default  Posted: 8:50 AM, June 12th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I can understand your reluctance to let go. IIRC, your parents have both passed away? Is it possible that this "love" for your wife is really more about a fantasy you have created in your head and her being a constant, or the person remaining, after you lost your parents? A fear of being alone?

Thenon,

Your insight is right on. I have talked about this in IC. Both parents are gone. Especially difficult was the final loss, my beloved mother. When she died, I see that I did indeed invest in my wife the role of mother. Not that she resembles my mother at all in personality. But my wife "took over" that feminine presence, nurturing and motherly. (Yes I know, she was having an affair and that's not nurturing, but you know what I mean.).

This and that fear of being alone is making this so difficult. I feel like I will be abandoned my my mother again. I usually don't subscribe to this sort of Freudian stuff, but in my case I know it's the truth. And it's powerful stuff, you know? It is primal and wields incredible force.


Divorced April Fool's Day 2014

Fear is the mind-killer.
Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration.
I will face my fear.
I will permit it to pass over me and through me.
-Dune


Posts: 1586 | Registered: Dec 2012
allatsea
♂ Member
Member # 38923
Default  Posted: 9:11 AM, June 12th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Abbondad,

Remember that you have not dismantled anything. She has. You have no choice but to divorce because she is not honoring her vows.

The ugliness to which you refer is not of your doing.

There is anger at our exes becuase we have taken stock of the situation and realised that what our WS has done is truly abhorrent. That's not to say that with the right behaviour it couldn't be repaired but you should not be taking responsibility for her behaviour, only your own.
The time you spend with her, supporting and endorsing her and her failings is preventing you from seeing the big picture. Step back, take a look. She's fucked up and you are preventing her from hitting rock bottom.

Trust me when I say that I loved my wife immensely and put her on a pedestal. I practically worshipped her and told her every day that she was gorgeous and out of my league. She then went and had an affair with a man who is in a league lower than me.

Every day I don't have to tolerate her blame shifting and bullshit is a day I get stronger. I regularly take steps backward as I have to see her and we are fighting over the contact with children but I no longer want her back in this condition. I would consider it if she sorted her shit out but at the moment she is pure evil and hates me. I don't love the new her, at all. If she were cold I wouldn't give her the steam off my piss.


Me 40
WW 38
Together 19 years
Married for 9
DS(1) 9
DS(2) 7
Dday 10th Feb 2013
She moved in with POS and took kids 23rd Mar 2013. WW now has new baby
Divorced April 2014

Posts: 658 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: UK
7yrsflushed
♂ Member
Member # 32258
Default  Posted: 9:12 AM, June 12th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Keep working at it. it's tough to break these cycles but you have to keep at it. you fell off the horse get back on it if you can.

Sort of 2X4 coming. Abbondad, if you don't detach and wake up from your fantasy really soon your problems are going to get much worse.

Let me explain. You have been on leave from work for months now right? At some point you will have to go back to work with this same situation still in place. The time you spent away was not successful on any of the fronts you "seem" to have been fighting for. You have made some progress in your own personal growth but you still have a ways to go with detachment. So from the outside looking in, you didn't win your wife back and you haven't successfully detached yet. This means that the roller coaster is still in full effect and it's going to get worse because the hope/misery cycle will get worse. This means you are setting yourself up for terrible performance at work which could mean future job loss or just poor performance evaluations if you are lucky. That's added stress on top of what you already have. Your kids will notice the added stress and if you do lose your job then you can no longer provide for them and WW WILL try to DESTROY you in court as she attempts to take custody of the kids.

Even if none of that happens you already recognize the cycles you are in. Once you see them no matter how much you hope and how much you fantasize about getting back together you KNOW deep inside it won't happen. This means when you cycle down it hits you harder and harder. Eventually you will not be able to handle it and you will be done. That's when you make the choice to change your situation. It just takes some us us longer than others.

Her coming over and giving you crumbs is all she is doing. Eventually you will consciously recognize it for what it is and be done. Just keep detaching because maintaining hope in the face of an unremorseful WS that is still in the A is going to eat you up more and more each day until you can't take it anymore. This will cause you more harm and she will be fine because the cake eating is back in effect. She is going to seem happy, content, and wondering why you aren't happy. You will continue to be miserable focusing all your energy on trying to win her back and not piss her off so she comes back and she won't. You have given her no reason to even thinnk about coming back. This is straight high school dating logic here. People want what they can't have and you are basically telling her you will continue to wait and all your threats are empty. She knows she can have you if she was to walk back in the door today and say she loves you while taking the A deep underground. She knows you won't file and thus has no reason to even take your threats seriously. She knows all she has to do is walk in the door say some nice things give you a kiss maybe even some sex and you are happy for a few weeks because there is hope all along OM is living it up with her at the apartment while you take care of the kids. She has seen no consequences for her actions and knows you still want her so she will continue to play you.

You just have to hope that by the time you wake up you have not done any major unfixable damage to your life, health, career, children, and financial affairs. I wish you the best man. Keep at it at, hopefully at some point you will get tired of this crapstorm and will get it.

[This message edited by 7yrsflushed at 10:05 AM, June 12th (Wednesday)]


D-day 5/24/11
BH = Me
2 children
The first true sense of calm I felt in YEARS was when I filed for D...
D hopefully official any day now, off to check the mail again.

Posts: 1895 | Registered: May 2011 | From: VA
justabrokendream
♀ Member
Member # 3075
Default  Posted: 9:23 AM, June 12th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

This presumption kind of pisses me off.

You indicated:

"Everyone is so sure and so strong and confident in their 2x4s. But there is so much anger at their exes. Did they really love their spouses like I love mine, despite what she has done and is doing? They can't possibly have. This woman is the love of my life. Our roots are so deep. Our marriage was largely wonderful prior to the disaster. So much love, so much intimacy, so many shared joys and sorrows. How can I possibly give this up when there is even a slim ray of hope that we can eventually reconcile?

You really don't think that many on here were in the same boat? That others on here didn't love their WS with the intensity. That there weren't deaths, births, ecstatic moments, heartbreaking moments in others on here lives?

There is a part of me that will always love my ex because my son was the product of our relationship.

edited due to probably too harsh.

[This message edited by justabrokendream at 10:16 AM, June 12th (Wednesday)]


Posts: 303 | Registered: Jan 2004 | From: CA
Newlease
♀ Member
Member # 7767
Default  Posted: 9:28 AM, June 12th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I assure you that most of us were madly in love with our spouses. Some of us had a whole LIFETIME of sharing - 30 plus years of marriage.

The anger is what comes after you realize deep in your soul that they threw all that wonderful life and history away for the sake of a "fantasy." It's really crazy making.

I have been D for 8 years, after 24 years of marriage to someone I thought was the one until the end. We didn't have a perfect marriage but it was pretty good compared with a lot I see. We always had each other's back (I thought).

A few years ago I was going through some family pictures. I came across some pictures of us celebrating an anniversary (not sure which one 20+). We looked happy and in love (we were). And it did not make me sad - it pissed me off. XWH had EVERYTHING and he threw it away for a relationship that only lasted 6 months post-D.

That is where the anger comes from. You will feel it too - maybe even harder because when you finally wake up, you will see how she played you.

Sending strength and peace.

NL


Even if you can't control the world around you, you are still the master of your own soul.

Posts: 7676 | Registered: Aug 2005
7yrsflushed
♂ Member
Member # 32258
Default  Posted: 9:38 AM, June 12th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

but I just cannot shake myself of the emotional conviction that I will not be happy after divorce and "officially" losing my family.

I used to think this as well but then I realized that my family was already lost when my STBX had her A's. I was clinging to something that wasnt' there. Once I realized that I started to move on. My STBX will be officially moving out 9 days. I am happy as a pig in SHIT! I have already been going out and meeting new people and this is from someone that just knew my M ending was the end of the world. It's not the end but the beginning. I get a do-over and I am going to enjoy it to the fullest. You can as well it just takes you changing your mindset. Work on it in counseling and actually get out of the house and go do some stuff. you are a Prof that is very eloquent. Believe me you will be okay but you have to work on fixing you first and the positive comes after that. At least for me it did and I am sure others as well. Unremorseful WS that won't own their shit are the perpetually broken ones and even if we are broken or damaged once you recognize you need some fixing or a tune up, you get it done and move forward.


"Everyone is so sure and so strong and confident in their 2x4s. But there is so much anger at their exes. Did they really love their spouses like I love mine, despite what she has done and is doing? They can't possibly have. This woman is the love of my life. Our roots are so deep. Our marriage was largely wonderful prior to the disaster.

Believe me, if you ever wake up you will be just like us. The anger subisdes eventually but it's anger because like you we spent a shitload of time trying to win, nice or wait our WS's back into the M. It's anger at our WS's pissing away YEARS of M for whatever reason. When we finally woke up and realized how much time we wasted and the damage we had doen to ourselves and kids we got pissed. Much of that anger at least in my case was directed at myself because I allowed it to go on for so long. I controlled my actions but let HER dictate them because of my FEAR. It also happens that in my case and I am sure many that you are referring to, our spouses were unremorseful and in some case extremely unremoresful to the point of cruelty and once you wake up and realize that it does change you. It drives you to fix your own shit and no longer worry about them. Some of us have very deep pain and misery resevoirs and we can absorb and compartmentalize a ton of stuff but eventually we either break down or can't do it anymore and we are forced to see what is in front of us. Hopefully you will get there as well. I don't hate my STBXWW. I hate what she did but I also respect myself enough now to KNOW that I could never fix her and don't even want to try. I deserved better so why cling to someone that no longer wants me???? Even if she fixed herself there will never be R in our future because of my own growth and the crap that I allowed her to put me through before I woke up. Yes she had the A but me staying with an unremorseful spouse for so long was on me. The way I coped and made it through was to consider her dead to me and the fact that I had to do that to make it just means she will never be a person I can be with again. This isn't anger it's just plain truth. As I said I don't hate her. I actually pity her because she will likely remain broken forever jumping form one blackhole filling activity to another but guess what that isn't my problem anymore and I don't own it.

So much love, so much intimacy, so many shared joys and sorrows. How can I possibly give this up when there is even a slim ray of hope that we can eventually reconcile?

What you had and are clinging onto is no longer your reality. That was the old M and you have to let it go and face what is in front of you today. You can't relive the past and even if she comes back you won't forget what happens and neither will she. It will never be the same gain. Reality is in the here and now not in the past.


If we divorce, reconciliation will be impossible. Too much ugliness will have occurred.
Error Will Robinson, that is illogical Captain...R is already impossible because she is still in the A and doing nothing to change her behavior. If too much ugliness has occured for you to R after D then what about your current situation is so pretty that you are willing to remain in this current state instead of Divorcing right now. The same level of ugliness has already occured in either scenario.


And if we divorce, I will still love her and will still suffer, and probably worse; the difference will be that I will have completely dismantled what we have built over ten years."

What you built has already been dismantled you just have to realize that. She dismantled it long ago. If your house gets destroyed by a disaster and is condemned you don't go in with 1 hammer, 6 nails, and 1 piece of plywood trying to fix it. It needs to be demolished because it's no longer safe for occupancy. Your old M is the condemned house. You bulldoze that bitch to the ground in order to build a new M if your WS is remorseful and doing the work and if they aren't you still raze it to the ground because it was already destroyed and focus on building you new life.


Again this is just an honest report of what goes through my mind.
Nothing wrong with being honest. Keep being honest with yourself just don't ignore the gut feelings. Your heart will eventually catch up to your head. Mine did too after it had been stepped on repeatedly for over a year.

I wish you the best.

[This message edited by 7yrsflushed at 9:49 AM, June 12th (Wednesday)]


D-day 5/24/11
BH = Me
2 children
The first true sense of calm I felt in YEARS was when I filed for D...
D hopefully official any day now, off to check the mail again.

Posts: 1895 | Registered: May 2011 | From: VA
Abbondad
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Default  Posted: 9:55 AM, June 12th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

And it is in no way meant to be critical of anyone or presumptuous.

Justabrokendream,

As I indicated in my disclaimer, I am aware that it may come across as presumptuous. I did not mean it to be. I was simply describing my thoughts, well aware that they are flawed. But I do apologize again for any presumptuousness on my part.


Divorced April Fool's Day 2014

Fear is the mind-killer.
Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration.
I will face my fear.
I will permit it to pass over me and through me.
-Dune


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