Me and WXW S almost two years ago now. I made it clear to her that it was the real deal - not a trial thing and not a free pass. We were DONE. She was (and is) wtill in her A.
I am still not D, although we are legally S now. That took more than a year and a half - the ink's not dry even now.
Point is, yes that took a while. No I didn't 'file', 'have her served' and all the rest, but we split up - properly. I did the180, NC and all that stuff. I got better. I got through. Life improved - dramatically. My kids - they are doing alright. Its been tough for them at times, but they do alright.
There are different paths. I don't think you are torturing your kids with this anymore than I think I tortured mine. Just treat this like its final. If it isn't and she is to come back then she has a shit load of work to do. You cannot afford to depend on that or wait for it. Make it real S and you can D when you are ready.
I'm in the UK though and the legal S gave me financial protection. That IS worth thinking about.
Take care and keep your eyes forward. Don't give up on SI - there is much more this site has to offer you.
[This message edited by velveteer at 5:09 PM, May 17th (Friday)]
This is for several financial, insurance, and medical reasons.
Our kids know, without ANY doubt, that people who are married and love one do NOT continue affairs. They do NOT lie to each other or to them. They don't play human yo-yo.
Separation is SEPARATION. It's not cake-eating. It's NC except for kids and finances.
While I do not believe divorce is always the answer---obviously---I DO believe that your continual assertion that your kids are in the forefront of your mind is self-delusion at its very worst.
You may not be ready to divorce. Fine. Don't file yet. Separate.
But for all that's good, PLEASE lay off the "happy family" bullshit and LIVE like separated people.
180 until your wife decides whether she is willing to return to the family, a remorseful woman ready to do the work necessary to be PART of a marriage and family.
Until that happens (IF it does), STOP LYING TO YOURSELF AND OTHERS.
The truth? You don't want to divorce. Fine. Really---it is.
But no. It's NOT "for the kids." The back and forth shows the kids are not in the forefront of your mind. (My kids BEGGED me not to let my ex back in after separation. They were far wiser than I. Yours likely are, too)
Own the truth: you're doing this FOR YOU. Because you want it this way.
Your kids? If they're not in IC, get them there fast. Not FC, but IC, where they can freely express themselves without feeling as though they must answer a certain way because it's what you want to hear.
Your "I won't post here any more" is ...passive-aggressive at best. You don't want to hear what you NEED to hear.
That's probably unwise.
Maybe just let this man decide for himself how he wants to handle this separation without dissing him because he does not do it like you want him to.
Mods, I apologize if,I am stepping out of bounds. Just don't like bullies.
My goodness, the one thing that I read over and over is "learn from my mistakes....".
The truth is, we all had to find our own way. We didn't learn from what other posters had said (most likely we thought "well, my situation is different etc...")
And very likely, we are the same posters who came back months/years later to say "learn from what I did wrong etc..."
There is beauty in the human experience. We do have so much in common, really! However, we also believe in our hearts, that we are so unique that my experience is not like "your" experience, therefore, my reactions/actions need to be different.
This is not a soap opera or a reality t.v. show that we can all come to on a daily basis to see what "dad" has been up to. This is his LIFE. This is occuring right now in his part of the world.
Do you remember how crazy you felt/were on D day? I do. And I made some HORRIBLE mistakes. OMG, some so very humiliating and embarrassing as well as self depracating. Some that harmed my children forever. I will never forgive myself. I am 6 years out and cannot believe the things that I shared with my then 7 year old b/c I was so very hurt/angry/scared.
I am a mediator. I do this every single day. I see people acting in ridiculous ways to prolong "the fight" instead of putting the children first. I have cried many tears for those children. But what I see is some very hurt people. No one ever gets married (involved), has children with this in mind. No one ever thinks that this is how it will end. People are grieving.
I think "dad" is grieving. As he should. This may be the end of his marriage and the end of what his children consider "their family".
Give him some space and empathy as well as compassion to grieve this loss.
Believe me, prior to the A, my motto was "Infidelity is a deal breaker" and "divorce is not an option". Seriously, wth? Where does that leave me? I had (and continue to have) some very critical eye-opening moments.
Let's all show some compassion/love for "dad".
Dad, you have been so very honest in your posts (despite being treated rather harshly). Kudos to you and I hope that you continue to gain strength from this forum.
P.S., now i am beginning to wonder what subject you teach? Math? lol
Fully reconciled. Life is really good!!
Please do not call out members, it is against the guidelines. If you have a problem with a post, please PM a moderator.
I am back again and am reaching out for your support, as I have told my wife I want the divorce. She agreed. No surprise there, since she agreed the last time and told me and herself that she believes we will come back to each other and even remarry after the divorce once we have both "healed and grown." (Her affair is continuing unabated.)
In my last update, I explained that she moved out. I am very lonely, anxious and depressed--a wreck overall. But I am holding up pretty well in front of the children.
My 180 has been going well.
The kids are OK with our coparenting schedule. I do not want to tell them of the divorce until it is finalized, as they are going through enough as it is. Hopefully when we tell them they will have become much more acclimated to their change of life and will understand that it will not be much different than it is now. Hopefully "divorce" will be more of just a word and largely demystified.
I look forward to your support as always so I may get through this wrenching door and out of the hell of limbo. I just want it to be over.
Fear is the mind-killer.
Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration.
I will face my fear.
I will permit it to pass over me and through me.
told me and herself that she believes we will come back to each other and even remarry after the divorce once we have both "healed and grown." (Her affair is continuing unabated.)
I am glad you are able to move forward with your life and find some peace and healing.
I am two years separated now. I talk to my Ex pretty regularly, we started out just talking about our son, finances and work scheudle.
We are at a point where we can talk about his family (I am close to his parents), my family, his girlfriend and my boyfriend. We are pretty effective parents for the most part.
Your posts are so filled with pain over the loss of your marriage and wife. I honestly wish the best for you. Good luck
I apologize for my 2x4's AD. The last month has been very difficult for me and I think I was projecting my anger and sadness into a few of my responses. Im sorry.
Im glad you've told her you're filing...go though with it.
How nice that she wants to continue to fuck OM..but wants you to hang around and wait until she's done..so you two can get back together.
Excuse me while I go puke.
..that feeling you get in your stomach, when you heart's broken. It's like all the butterflies just died.
WW's reasoning behind "heal":
We have both been terribly hurt by this. How was she hurt? I am not quite sure since I suggested one thing over two years ago that in hindsight was wrong but to which she agreed.
"We need to grow." According to her we both need to grow into fully actualized adults. Apparently we were not during the eight wonderful years we had prior to her infidelity. And to grow she needs to "get it out of her system." "It" being this affair which has been going on for two years. Ok. Get it out of your system. Meanwhile I will be out of her system for good.
As far as "filing": we are going to try mediation, which is much less expensive and does not involve the courts. I am very skeptical of her being able to keep it civil during mediation, especially when it comes to finances. But the worst case scenario is we stop mediation and go to litigation.
[This message edited by Abbondad at 11:26 AM, May 24th (Friday)]
According to her we both need to grow into fully actualized adults.
Considering your description of her family of origin issues, that may be entirely true, for her, regardless of any relationship she might be in. Or, it could just be an excuse to saunter on her chosen path.
Stuff is way more peaceful now that I've accepted that she's with OM
This is going to be the brutal one for me: this is the man who has tried (and has succeeded) for two years to take my wife and in the process destroy my family, including two innocent children whose world has been Mommy and Daddy together. I have no idea how I am going to cope with this. (I really don't want my children to visit their Dad in jail, a hospital, or the cemetary.)
I know some of us swung some pretty nasty 2x4's at you, but we are all here for you. We all want you to make it through to the other side. We will continue to be here for you as long as you need us.
(((((((HUGS))))))) and strength to you.
I have no idea how I am going to cope with this. (I really don't want my children to visit their Dad in jail, a hospital, or the cemetary.)