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Divorce/Separation     Print Topic    
User Topic: Abbondad Part II...
velveteer
♂ Member
Member # 30997
Default  Posted: 5:08 PM, May 17th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

AD - stick with it. There is supprt for you here.

Me and WXW S almost two years ago now. I made it clear to her that it was the real deal - not a trial thing and not a free pass. We were DONE. She was (and is) wtill in her A.

I am still not D, although we are legally S now. That took more than a year and a half - the ink's not dry even now.

Point is, yes that took a while. No I didn't 'file', 'have her served' and all the rest, but we split up - properly. I did the180, NC and all that stuff. I got better. I got through. Life improved - dramatically. My kids - they are doing alright. Its been tough for them at times, but they do alright.

There are different paths. I don't think you are torturing your kids with this anymore than I think I tortured mine. Just treat this like its final. If it isn't and she is to come back then she has a shit load of work to do. You cannot afford to depend on that or wait for it. Make it real S and you can D when you are ready.

I'm in the UK though and the legal S gave me financial protection. That IS worth thinking about.

Take care and keep your eyes forward. Don't give up on SI - there is much more this site has to offer you.

PM anytime

V

[This message edited by velveteer at 5:09 PM, May 17th (Friday)]


Divorced

Posts: 877 | Registered: Jan 2011
solus sto
♀ Member
Member # 30989
Default  Posted: 5:21 PM, May 17th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am separated, not divorced.

This is for several financial, insurance, and medical reasons.

Our kids know, without ANY doubt, that people who are married and love one do NOT continue affairs. They do NOT lie to each other or to them. They don't play human yo-yo.

Separation is SEPARATION. It's not cake-eating. It's NC except for kids and finances.

While I do not believe divorce is always the answer---obviously---I DO believe that your continual assertion that your kids are in the forefront of your mind is self-delusion at its very worst.

You may not be ready to divorce. Fine. Don't file yet. Separate.

But for all that's good, PLEASE lay off the "happy family" bullshit and LIVE like separated people.

180 until your wife decides whether she is willing to return to the family, a remorseful woman ready to do the work necessary to be PART of a marriage and family.

Until that happens (IF it does), STOP LYING TO YOURSELF AND OTHERS.

The truth? You don't want to divorce. Fine. Really---it is.

But no. It's NOT "for the kids." The back and forth shows the kids are not in the forefront of your mind. (My kids BEGGED me not to let my ex back in after separation. They were far wiser than I. Yours likely are, too)

Own the truth: you're doing this FOR YOU. Because you want it this way.

Your kids? If they're not in IC, get them there fast. Not FC, but IC, where they can freely express themselves without feeling as though they must answer a certain way because it's what you want to hear.

Your "I won't post here any more" is ...passive-aggressive at best. You don't want to hear what you NEED to hear.

That's probably unwise.


BS-me, 52
WH (Trac-fone), 52, PD
2 kids-DD25, DS18
multiple d-days
DIVORCING
Alone, most strangely, I live on~Rupert Brooke

Posts: 8709 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: midwest
What2do
Member
Member # 497
Default  Posted: 5:32 PM, May 17th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Please stop with the bashing. Your good advice and caring is like a sledgehammer. It will kill him before it knocks sense into him. He sounds like he has his own idea do sense.

Maybe just let this man decide for himself how he wants to handle this separation without dissing him because he does not do it like you want him to.

Mods, I apologize if,I am stepping out of bounds. Just don't like bullies.



Character is what you do when no one is watching.
There is the right path and the easy path - which one will you take?

Posts: 1279 | Registered: Sep 2002
survivingslowly
♀ Member
Member # 14214
Default  Posted: 6:22 PM, May 17th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I just hope that everyone on this board can show some compassion for Dad.

My goodness, the one thing that I read over and over is "learn from my mistakes....".

The truth is, we all had to find our own way. We didn't learn from what other posters had said (most likely we thought "well, my situation is different etc...")

And very likely, we are the same posters who came back months/years later to say "learn from what I did wrong etc..."

There is beauty in the human experience. We do have so much in common, really! However, we also believe in our hearts, that we are so unique that my experience is not like "your" experience, therefore, my reactions/actions need to be different.

This is not a soap opera or a reality t.v. show that we can all come to on a daily basis to see what "dad" has been up to. This is his LIFE. This is occuring right now in his part of the world.

Do you remember how crazy you felt/were on D day? I do. And I made some HORRIBLE mistakes. OMG, some so very humiliating and embarrassing as well as self depracating. Some that harmed my children forever. I will never forgive myself. I am 6 years out and cannot believe the things that I shared with my then 7 year old b/c I was so very hurt/angry/scared.

I am a mediator. I do this every single day. I see people acting in ridiculous ways to prolong "the fight" instead of putting the children first. I have cried many tears for those children. But what I see is some very hurt people. No one ever gets married (involved), has children with this in mind. No one ever thinks that this is how it will end. People are grieving.

I think "dad" is grieving. As he should. This may be the end of his marriage and the end of what his children consider "their family".

Give him some space and empathy as well as compassion to grieve this loss.

Believe me, prior to the A, my motto was "Infidelity is a deal breaker" and "divorce is not an option". Seriously, wth? Where does that leave me? I had (and continue to have) some very critical eye-opening moments.

Let's all show some compassion/love for "dad".

Dad, you have been so very honest in your posts (despite being treated rather harshly). Kudos to you and I hope that you continue to gain strength from this forum.

P.S., now i am beginning to wonder what subject you teach? Math? lol

ss


BS-me
FWH-him

dday#1-March/07

Fully reconciled. Life is really good!!


Posts: 310 | Registered: Apr 2007
SI Staff
Moderator
Member # 10
Red  Posted: 6:29 PM, May 17th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

What2do,

Please do not call out members, it is against the guidelines. If you have a problem with a post, please PM a moderator.

Thank you.


Posts: 10000 | Registered: May 2002
woundedwidow
♀ Member
Member # 36869
Default  Posted: 6:30 PM, May 17th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

What2do and Abbondad, I apologize if I have been one of the "bashers". Previously, Abbondad had a 12-page thread in General which covered these SAME topics and ended with his absolute intent to divorce his wife. The last 17-page thread here went from: No, we are separating - then divorcing - then back to separation. Now in this thread, he's decided to do a separation with his (still) WW, with the possibility of an R. Throughout ALL of the many pages of responses, and the many changes of intent and direction, most respondents have supported Abbondad, with the major exception of placing an emphasis on looking out for his childrens' needs during this process. Also, people have offered advice on protecting himself emotionally and financially during the current separation. I really don't see these responses as bullying, when people so strongly care about what happens to Abbondad and his kids. He is an adult, and can read/post here - or Not - as he desires. I sincerely hope things go well for him and the children now and in the future, whether D or R.


Be careful what you wish for the most - you may get it.

Posts: 379 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: VA
SI Staff
Moderator
Member # 10
Default  Posted: 6:41 PM, May 17th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Since Abbondad said he is stepping away for now, we're going to lock this up.

Posts: 10000 | Registered: May 2002
Abbondad
♂ Member
Member # 37898
Default  Posted: 10:39 AM, May 24th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi Everyone,

I am back again and am reaching out for your support, as I have told my wife I want the divorce. She agreed. No surprise there, since she agreed the last time and told me and herself that she believes we will come back to each other and even remarry after the divorce once we have both "healed and grown." (Her affair is continuing unabated.)

Mind boggling.

In my last update, I explained that she moved out. I am very lonely, anxious and depressed--a wreck overall. But I am holding up pretty well in front of the children.

My 180 has been going well.

The kids are OK with our coparenting schedule. I do not want to tell them of the divorce until it is finalized, as they are going through enough as it is. Hopefully when we tell them they will have become much more acclimated to their change of life and will understand that it will not be much different than it is now. Hopefully "divorce" will be more of just a word and largely demystified.

I look forward to your support as always so I may get through this wrenching door and out of the hell of limbo. I just want it to be over.


Divorced April Fool's Day 2014

Fear is the mind-killer.
Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration.
I will face my fear.
I will permit it to pass over me and through me.
-Dune


Posts: 1621 | Registered: Dec 2012
woundedwidow
♀ Member
Member # 36869
Default  Posted: 10:55 AM, May 24th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm glad you're holding up well in front of the children. Please do what you need to take care of yourself as well, AD. Since you've told your wife you want the D and she has agreed, when will you officially file? I hope you have a good lawyer, as it may not go quite as smoothly as you expect, and you do need to protect yourself. ((Hugs)).


Be careful what you wish for the most - you may get it.

Posts: 379 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: VA
5454real
♂ Member
Member # 37455
Default  Posted: 11:05 AM, May 24th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Congrat's (How effin sad to use that word in this situation) on moving forward. Yep, we will be here for you. Your WW is quite a piece of work and continues in her own delusional world. I fear a rather bumpy ride for you.

told me and herself that she believes we will come back to each other and even remarry after the divorce once we have both "healed and grown." (Her affair is continuing unabated.)

Just wow.

Strength


BH 51, WW 42
DS 23(Mine),SD 21,SS 20(Hers),DS 9 Ours, DGS 3, DGD 1 mo
D=Day #1 5/04EA (Rugswept)
D-Day #2 3/10/12, TT til 3/13/12
Married 10yrs
I have no love for a friend who loves in words alone.
― Sophocles, Antigone

Posts: 2847 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: midwest
ninebark
♀ Member
Member # 24534
Default  Posted: 11:19 AM, May 24th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

If you both act as responsible parents your kids should be just fine . As long as they know that mommy and daddy love them and it is okay to love them both back they should be okay.

I am glad you are able to move forward with your life and find some peace and healing.

I am two years separated now. I talk to my Ex pretty regularly, we started out just talking about our son, finances and work scheudle.

We are at a point where we can talk about his family (I am close to his parents), my family, his girlfriend and my boyfriend. We are pretty effective parents for the most part.

Your posts are so filled with pain over the loss of your marriage and wife. I honestly wish the best for you. Good luck


BS (me) 40
WH - 48
Married 12 years
DS - 12
D-day 06/21/09
Separated....hopefully divorcing soon.

Posts: 630 | Registered: Jun 2009 | From: Canada
confused615
♀ Member
Member # 30826
Default  Posted: 11:22 AM, May 24th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Welcome back...

I apologize for my 2x4's AD. The last month has been very difficult for me and I think I was projecting my anger and sadness into a few of my responses. Im sorry.


Im glad you've told her you're filing...go though with it.

How nice that she wants to continue to fuck OM..but wants you to hang around and wait until she's done..so you two can get back together.

Excuse me while I go puke.


BS(me)42
FWH 45
4 kids..21,20,11,10
M: June 2001
D-Day: 8/10/10
Status: Reconciling.

..that feeling you get in your stomach, when you heart's broken. It's like all the butterflies just died.


Posts: 7437 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: Indiana
Abbondad
♂ Member
Member # 37898
Default  Posted: 11:22 AM, May 24th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you. I'm so glad everyone is still here for me. I have also contacted every friend IRL as a way of "circling the support wagons."

WW's reasoning behind "heal":

We have both been terribly hurt by this. How was she hurt? I am not quite sure since I suggested one thing over two years ago that in hindsight was wrong but to which she agreed.

"We need to grow." According to her we both need to grow into fully actualized adults. Apparently we were not during the eight wonderful years we had prior to her infidelity. And to grow she needs to "get it out of her system." "It" being this affair which has been going on for two years. Ok. Get it out of your system. Meanwhile I will be out of her system for good.

As far as "filing": we are going to try mediation, which is much less expensive and does not involve the courts. I am very skeptical of her being able to keep it civil during mediation, especially when it comes to finances. But the worst case scenario is we stop mediation and go to litigation.

[This message edited by Abbondad at 11:26 AM, May 24th (Friday)]


Divorced April Fool's Day 2014

Fear is the mind-killer.
Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration.
I will face my fear.
I will permit it to pass over me and through me.
-Dune


Posts: 1621 | Registered: Dec 2012
ProbableIceCream
♂ Member
Member # 37468
Default  Posted: 12:33 PM, May 24th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

The stuff about needing to grow and so on is just nice sounding justification for going out and doing whatever she wants. My wife started with that stuff herself and abandoned it after it became clear that she didn't need to placate me and we weren't getting back together. Stuff is way more peaceful now that I've accepted that she's with OM, am not fighting it, and am moving on.


Me, 32. DD, 8. DS, 6 (deceased).

Posts: 833 | Registered: Nov 2012
alphakitte
♀ Member
Member # 33438
Default  Posted: 12:40 PM, May 24th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

According to her we both need to grow into fully actualized adults.

Considering your description of her family of origin issues, that may be entirely true, for her, regardless of any relationship she might be in. Or, it could just be an excuse to saunter on her chosen path.


------ Some people are emotional tadpoles. Even if they mature they are just a warty toad. Catt

Posts: 349 | Registered: Sep 2011 | From: 3 klicks north of Ambiguous
Abbondad
♂ Member
Member # 37898
Default  Posted: 1:03 PM, May 24th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Stuff is way more peaceful now that I've accepted that she's with OM

This is going to be the brutal one for me: this is the man who has tried (and has succeeded) for two years to take my wife and in the process destroy my family, including two innocent children whose world has been Mommy and Daddy together. I have no idea how I am going to cope with this. (I really don't want my children to visit their Dad in jail, a hospital, or the cemetary.)


Divorced April Fool's Day 2014

Fear is the mind-killer.
Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration.
I will face my fear.
I will permit it to pass over me and through me.
-Dune


Posts: 1621 | Registered: Dec 2012
CheaterMagnet
♀ Member
Member # 33581
Default  Posted: 2:47 PM, May 24th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You can do this AD. I promise you that you can. Keep coming here for support when you feel weak. Rage here. Get your anger out toward WW and OM. And IRL, go for walks, take up kickboxing, punch the crap out of pillows (in private of course). Do whatever you have to do to get it out. Holding it all inside will destroy you. Trust me, I've BTDT.

I know some of us swung some pretty nasty 2x4's at you, but we are all here for you. We all want you to make it through to the other side. We will continue to be here for you as long as you need us.

(((((((HUGS))))))) and strength to you.


If Happy Ever After did exist, I would still be holding you like this.
All those fairly tales are full of shit.
One more fucking love song I'll be sick. ~ Maroon 5

Posts: 1032 | Registered: Oct 2011 | From: Kailua-Kona, HI
7yrsflushed
♂ Member
Member # 32258
Default  Posted: 3:00 PM, May 24th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I have no idea how I am going to cope with this. (I really don't want my children to visit their Dad in jail, a hospital, or the cemetary.)
We all had no idea how we would cope with it but we didn't have a choice so we did the best we could and kept moving forward. For me it was as you put it, someone had to be there for the kids so I couldn't go to jail or end up in the cemetary. Keep up with the 180 and this does get easier as well. You are doing great Abbondad, one step at a time always moving forward.


D-day 5/24/11
BH = Me
2 children
The first true sense of calm I felt in YEARS was when I filed for D...
Divorced 9/2/14 and loving life!

Posts: 1905 | Registered: May 2011 | From: VA
Dark Inertia
Member
Member # 30727
Default  Posted: 3:19 PM, May 24th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

"Getting it out of her system" sounds like she wants something to fall back on in case AP does not work out


"If I listened earlier, I wouldn't be here. But that's just the trouble with me. I give myself very good advice, but I very seldom follow it."

Posts: 1256 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: The Ohio
Sad in AZ
♀ Member
Member # 24239
Default  Posted: 3:29 PM, May 24th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

'Getting it out of their systems' is a sub-chapter in the Cheaters' Handbook. The X was of the opinion that if I had just left it alone, he would have 'gotten it out of his system' and we would still be together. He's still with the OW 2+ years after D, so I guess I'd still be sitting on the sidelines in his plan. Mind-boggling doesn't even begin to explain it.


I solemnly swear that I am up to no good.

Posts: 20181 | Registered: Jun 2009 | From: Upstate NY
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