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Divorce/Separation     Print Topic    
User Topic: Abbondad Part II...
realitybites
♀ Member
Member # 6908
Default  Posted: 4:06 PM, May 24th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

This is going to be the brutal one for me: this is the man who has tried (and has succeeded) for two years to take my wife and in the process destroy my family, including two innocent children whose world has been Mommy and Daddy together.

Very kindly....he has not "taken" your wife, she has gone willingly. And this did not just "happen", they have been doing this for 2 years.

The only thing different is you getting to the point where you finally admit that it truly is real. I understand the BS denial.

Its when you get to the point that your understand that everyone involved....your kids included....have been in this shit storm for 2 years. it did not just happen yesteday.

Once you get there, believe it or not, there will come a time when a huge weight will come off your shoulders. Acceptance is not saying it is OK. Its just finally admitting you can't do anything about it.


Posts: 5679 | Registered: Apr 2005 | From: florida
Abbondad
♂ Member
Member # 37898
Default  Posted: 4:07 PM, May 24th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi,

WW just left with kids for,the weekend. Hadn't seen her for almost a week and haven't spoken to,her since I texted her this morning that I want a divorce.

I wasn't sure how she would be in person, but no surprise: cold cold cold. Quiet anger.

This actually makes me feel a bit better, relieved. Her demeanor reminds me why this needs to happen. When I grieve, I am thinking about her loving, sweet side. But this has always been only a side. Her other persona is the one on display just now. Rather chilling, actually--like a nasty princess spurned, or more accurately, a child whose cake has been taken away.


Divorced April Fool's Day 2014

Fear is the mind-killer.
Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration.
I will face my fear.
I will permit it to pass over me and through me.
-Dune


Posts: 1627 | Registered: Dec 2012
crazynot
♀ Member
Member # 24572
Default  Posted: 4:23 PM, May 24th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Now move on. You're an intelligent man. Do everything you can not to think of her. There's a world beyond this hard place.


Me - 50
Him - 51
DDay 21 March 2009
Divorcing and delighted!

Do you want me to tell you something really subversive? Love is everything it's cracked up to be. That's why people are so cynical about it.


Posts: 873 | Registered: Jun 2009 | From: UK
crazynot
♀ Member
Member # 24572
Default  Posted: 4:28 PM, May 24th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

and also, as one eloquent wordsmith to another, remember that she has other cake. She is not thinking of you as the 'cake' she has lost, she is just being petulant and resentful. Don't let words parachute you into unreality... (says one to another)... this has been over for some time. You need to let go, not of your fine, noble, romantic self, but of your idealised picture of her and who she could be. After all this time it still sometimes sounds like you think you can be her saviour. Instead, you need to be your own.


Me - 50
Him - 51
DDay 21 March 2009
Divorcing and delighted!

Do you want me to tell you something really subversive? Love is everything it's cracked up to be. That's why people are so cynical about it.


Posts: 873 | Registered: Jun 2009 | From: UK
Abbondad
♂ Member
Member # 37898
Default  Posted: 4:55 PM, May 24th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Oh god,

Something awful has happened. My son received on his iphone my "I want a divorce" text from this morning. I sent it from my ipad instead of from my iphone. I don't know why/how he received it.

Not important. My wife and I are freaking out. I wondered why he has been acting depressed and quiet all day. He is at his therapist right now with my wife.

We had agreed not to tell him until the divorce was finalized. Goddamn her for all of this. These are the exact words I told her a year ago during one of the times I pleaded with her to stop: "if you continue to do,this, you will bring calamity of our family."

Words she has used to mock me after.

Well, here is the calamity. I am sure I will be blamed even for this.


Divorced April Fool's Day 2014

Fear is the mind-killer.
Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration.
I will face my fear.
I will permit it to pass over me and through me.
-Dune


Posts: 1627 | Registered: Dec 2012
standingonmarble
♀ Member
Member # 31217
Default  Posted: 5:18 PM, May 24th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Funny how the truth has a way of coming out.

Embrace it now. Living in the truth, nothing but the truth is a much better way to live. No more trying to remember what you said. If she continues to lie, so be it. You can't control her.

Your kids will be okay as long as you stay on top of it. Sounds like you will.

Keep calm and stay strong.


At one time he was a man standing on marbles. Now I am a woman standing on marble.....

We are done fighting with each other and decide to fight FOR each other.


Posts: 738 | Registered: Feb 2011
Coraline
♀ Member
Member # 36434
Default  Posted: 5:38 PM, May 24th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think it was totally wrongheaded to wait to tell them anyway. It's deceitful and it assumes your kids don't deserve the truth because they're just kids. Wrong, wrong, and wrong. I actually can't believe no one told you that *before* this post. I'm shocked by that. Kids shouldn't be told something that momentous after it already happened. I can't believe a therapist told you that was a good idea. I'm glad he knows. It shouldn't have been that way that he found out, but I'm glad for him that you've lost your opportunity to basically trick him.


Me: BW, 34 Him: WH, 35
3 Kids: 9, 3, and 1
Decree nisi will become absolute in January. We are DONE.

Posts: 771 | Registered: Aug 2012
Abbondad
♂ Member
Member # 37898
Default  Posted: 6:18 PM, May 24th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

The shit just keeps hitting that fan...

WW called me from the therapist's parking lot: her remote is not working and she can't get into her car. And the key cylinder is broken. She's there with two upset kids.

She demanded I come there and magically fix the remote and cylinder. Well, I can't do that. I told her she needs to take care of this by herself, informing her that she needs to call AAA for roadside assistance. She ordered me to. I calmly told her that she has the card in her purse, where I put it, with all the information she needs.

She is furious and hung up on me.

The point is, she is abruptly getting a slight taste of life without me, he who has coddled her and taken care of nearly every detail in her life. Reality is crashing in, and fast.

I was not a crowing asshole about it. In fact, of course I would have at least driven there to pick up the kids. But i am like two hours away. I was calm. I hope she remembers that I told her I want nothing to do with her unless it involves kids or finances.

Cake? Gone.

But we still have to talk about the divorce text my son read. I guess now that the truth is out, we need to comfort him about it as best we can.

God, can this get any worse? I suspect it will, particularly when more incidents arise in which her perpetual rescuer is no longer available to rescue.


Divorced April Fool's Day 2014

Fear is the mind-killer.
Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration.
I will face my fear.
I will permit it to pass over me and through me.
-Dune


Posts: 1627 | Registered: Dec 2012
ProbableIceCream
♂ Member
Member # 37468
Default  Posted: 6:18 PM, May 24th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Abbondad, I understand the anger towards the OM. I had it for many months. Eventually I realized that he was just a random person my WW was using.. it could have been anyone. Yes, it was awful of him to sleep with a married woman, but I don't feel upset at him any more. I feel indifferent, really.

Anyway.. it's OK to be mad at him. I totally understand. It feels like he took your wife away from you.


Me, 32. DD, 8. DS, 6 (deceased).

Posts: 842 | Registered: Nov 2012
ExposedNiblet
♀ Member
Member # 30803
Default  Posted: 6:37 PM, May 24th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Welcome back Abbondad.

Your STBX wife's delusional thinking struck a chord with me. For a time, my XH was convinced that his affair was "a phase" we (???) were going through and eventually we'd "find our way back to each other". He even went so far as to research buying a duplex together - with me and the boys living on one side and him living on the other. He would keep an eye on me and I'd cook for him (?!?!). Seriously, you can't make this crap up!

I am glad you're getting a little glimpse now as to how cold your STBX wife can be. It makes adjusting to this new normal a whole lot easier, and it helps you to forecast how nasty she can (and likely will) get. I don't want to scare you, Abbondad, but one of the hardest things I ever had to do was wrap my head around the level of unbridled hatred my XH developed for me during the divorce. It's a phenomena that seems quite prevalent among the WS. Maybe it's their way of dealing with what they've done, a coping mechanism of sorts, but whatever it is, it sure as hell is painful to see when it's directed at you. Please brace yourself. Maybe you've heard the saying "you never really know
somebody until you divorce them" - it's the truth. Remember, though, you are not alone.

I'm sorry your son found out about your divorce accidentally, but it is a blessing that he had an appointment with his therapist on the same day. He will be upset, but he will be fine. Personally, I am a strong supporter of being upfront with the children through the process, so I do think that waiting until the divorce is finalized is unrealistic. My boys both had so many questions right through the process, that postponing the answers till after the divorce just would not have been realistic. The one thing I would say to you is this; your kids seem to be very close to you, as mine were with me. They will ask the difficult questions of the parent they feel most at ease with. This will most likely be you. Whatever you do, tell them the truth as you know it, and do not lie to them, under any circumstances, and especially not to protect your STBX wife. I cannot emphasise this enough, because as the parent of 2 now-teenaged boys, I see how important it is for these kids to have a parent they can completely trust 100%. Like my oldest says, "We may not want to hear it, but we know Mom tells us the truth". You have no idea what kind of parent your STBX wife will end up being, so you have to do whatever you can to be the one they turn to.

You can do this, Abbondad. We are all here for you 24/7. We've got your back and we will help you get through to the other side.

In time, things will get better and you will be happier than you ever dreamed.

Onward...


Nibs


Divorced
Me ($39.95 plus S & H)
DS1(17), DS2(15)

Enjoying this chapter in my life.
Learning that being alone does not mean being lonely.
Discovering that where I've been is not as important as where I'm going.


Posts: 355 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: Right Here, Canada
ExposedNiblet
♀ Member
Member # 30803
Default  Posted: 6:40 PM, May 24th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I told her she needs to take care of this by herself, informing her that she needs to call AAA for roadside assistance.

BRAVO! WELL DONE ABBONDAD!
(good for you!)

Nibs


Divorced
Me ($39.95 plus S & H)
DS1(17), DS2(15)

Enjoying this chapter in my life.
Learning that being alone does not mean being lonely.
Discovering that where I've been is not as important as where I'm going.


Posts: 355 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: Right Here, Canada
Abbondad
♂ Member
Member # 37898
Default  Posted: 8:19 PM, May 24th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Just worse and worse...

Because my nine-year-old read the text that I wrote to my wife telling her I want a divorce, he doesn't want to talk to me since I am now the bad guy, the one who wants to leave Mommy and break up the family!

I first talked to my wife and tried to get a simple answer before I tried to speak to him on the phone: did you or did you not confirm that we are divorcing. She could/would not answer the question, just evaded it: "I told him we will always love him, etc."

"Ok, good, but did you confirm to him that yes, we are getting a divorce so I know what to say to him!!??"

"I don't know, are we getting a divorce? I don't know since you are so unpredictable."

"Yes, we are! I told you that we are!!"

"Do you know what it's like to receive a text like that? Do you know what I have been dealing with?"

(All irony flies right over this woman's head.)

Ok, I said. I can't get an answer from you. Let me talk to him.

My poor son got the phone and said, "Goodnight, Daddy," and hung up on me.

I am in tears. For the hundredth time, goddamn her and all these people who destroy their families like this.


Divorced April Fool's Day 2014

Fear is the mind-killer.
Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration.
I will face my fear.
I will permit it to pass over me and through me.
-Dune


Posts: 1627 | Registered: Dec 2012
LA44
♀ Member
Member # 38384
Default  Posted: 8:32 PM, May 24th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am so so sorry your son read r D note and that he is now upset with you. Nine is a pivotal age in a child's life. They are still children but hear so much with little ability to make sense of grown up messes.

When you see him next, please hug him and tell him you are sorry that he found out this way. I agree with Coraline - children should NOT be told after the fact about a D or a S. This is so upsetting to me.

Perhaps this came to yet another head for this reason alone - time to sit down with the kids and calmly discuss what the future will look like. And that your love for them will never change. But first if there ANY chance you can you talk to your soon to be ex and agree on what to tell the kids?

I wish you well.


Me: 44
He: 47 WH
Married: 15 years
D Day: December 2012
Affair: Fall 2009 - Dec. 2011
R is not linear

Posts: 2462 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: Canada, eh
7yrsflushed
♂ Member
Member # 32258
Default  Posted: 8:37 PM, May 24th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It's going to be okay abbondad.

You want your kids to see strength and know that Dad has his shit together. This discussion was going to happen eventually, now it's just happening a little sooner than you wanted. So when they come back after the weekend just sit them down and talk to them and let them ask you questions. Don't hold anything back and give them all the details they need in an age appropriate manner.

Have the discussion with them. Believe me it will go better than you think it will and once it's done that will be another weight lifted off you. It's another step you were going to have to take at some point anyway so go ahead embrace it and keep moving forward.


D-day 5/24/11
BH = Me
2 children
The first true sense of calm I felt in YEARS was when I filed for D...
Divorced 9/2/14 and loving life!

Posts: 1912 | Registered: May 2011 | From: VA
homewrecked2011
♀ Member
Member # 34678
Default  Posted: 9:18 PM, May 24th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

This is what Dr. Laura said to do:

Sit the children down and tell them the ws has made a selfish decision to have a boyfriend and it is unacceptable to me to be in this relationship any longer. It is wrong and your mom has made her decision.


me BS 52
him - 46
married 15 years DIVORCED 10 31 12
children - ds15 ds12
d-day 12-19-11
I gave a 24hour ultimatum then went to attorney next day
Divorce filed

Posts: 2216 | Registered: Jan 2012
ExposedNiblet
♀ Member
Member # 30803
Default  Posted: 11:41 PM, May 24th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

This is not a catastrophe.

Do not let your own feelings of guilt cloud the reality here:

Your son is hurting right now.

Heaven knows what your STBX has said to him or what she will say this weekend. You cannot control that. You can talk to the kids about this in an age appropriate manner once they get home.

You knew this discussion was coming eventually. You will have to have this talk a little earlier than what you had hoped. Still, it's not the end of the world. You will get through it.

Your children will be fine
You will be fine too.

It's going to be okay, Abbondad.

Nibs


Divorced
Me ($39.95 plus S & H)
DS1(17), DS2(15)

Enjoying this chapter in my life.
Learning that being alone does not mean being lonely.
Discovering that where I've been is not as important as where I'm going.


Posts: 355 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: Right Here, Canada
crazynot
♀ Member
Member # 24572
Default  Posted: 1:40 AM, May 25th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It's unfortunate, yes, and I feel really sorry for your poor son, finding out that way. But now more than ever it's important to be clear with him and tell him the truth. I found that with my son, who was 14 when his dad ran off... He was angry, furious, heartbroken, bereft... but throughout the whole thing we were open with each other. We sealed over the wound in our family that WH created when we left, and created a new family of 3 of us. The kids had noticed every lie, every evasion, every bad mood in the preceding year and once he was gone we all pledged that there would be no lies in our house. Four years later that heartbroken boy is the strongest, healthiest young man you could imagine, currently backpacking in India before he goes to university to study law. I tell you this because I know how much life improves beyond the lies.


Me - 50
Him - 51
DDay 21 March 2009
Divorcing and delighted!

Do you want me to tell you something really subversive? Love is everything it's cracked up to be. That's why people are so cynical about it.


Posts: 873 | Registered: Jun 2009 | From: UK
confused615
♀ Member
Member # 30826
Default  Posted: 6:19 AM, May 25th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Im so sorry. I so wish you had listened to us. The truth has a way of coming out,and unfortunately,your little boy now feels betrayed by you...something you were told would happen after you lied to him,then refused to go to him and tell him the truth. Gently,Dad,and I do mean gently, I hope you learn from this. Be honest with your kids. The worst thing you can do is lie to them...especially now,as their world is falling apart.

Want to remedy this? Go to him..alone..without your wife. She is not the "good" mom you have made her out to be..she is selfish..abusive..and has no problem shitting on her kids to get what she wants. And,honestly,she doesn't belong in a conversation between you and your son,where you are apologizing and rectifying your past mistake of lying to him. This is between the two of you. He's 9? He's old enough to be told the truth..in an age appropriate way. Tell him when two people marry,they make promises to each other..big promises that are to never be broken. And mommy broke a promise to daddy. Actually,if it were me,I'd tell him mommy started dating while you were still very much married,and that is why you two are divorcing. It's the truth. And,since she is still fucking around with the OM,chances are sky high that OM will be around your kids now that WW has moved out.

Be honest with your son. You know how being lied to feels. Don't lie to your son.


BS(me)42
FWH 45
4 kids
M: June 2001
D-Day: 8/10/10
Status: Reconciling?

..that feeling you get in your stomach, when you heart's broken. It's like all the butterflies just died.


Posts: 7694 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: Indiana
Abbondad
♂ Member
Member # 37898
Default  Posted: 7:34 AM, May 25th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Good morning friends,

I just had the most terrible five minute discussion of my life. I called my nine year old who is still very upset and just got it over with.

Obviously my wife still danced around the question with him last night, so I had to just be honest and direct:

"Are you wondering if we are getting divorced?"

"Yeah..."

"Yes, we are, DS."

He hung up on me but picked up when I called him right back.

I tried comforting him for a bit and then asked him: "Is there one thing about this that scares you or upsets you the most? That you think about the most?"

"Yes."

"Tell me and maybe it won't be so scary."

"I'm afraid YOU are gonna meet someone else."

This just broke me into pieces. It was very difficult to recite the script through my anger and tears. But I managed to tell him that yes, someday I may meet someone else and mommy may meet someone else, but nobody will take the place of our mommy or daddy, etc.

Everyone, I can't even express the depth of my rage at her. That even witnessing the emotional pain of my little boy, she still won't act. Not that I want her back--or rather, I don't want the person she has proven she is--but it just seems so clear to my ethical code: if my family is in pain, this is a emergency. You do everything and anything to stop this pain, even if involves great pain for you.

Am I on a different planet?

Anyway, I feel as low as I have ever felt since my wife said, "I have been having an affair."


Divorced April Fool's Day 2014

Fear is the mind-killer.
Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration.
I will face my fear.
I will permit it to pass over me and through me.
-Dune


Posts: 1627 | Registered: Dec 2012
debbysbaby
♀ Member
Member # 32962
Default  Posted: 7:56 AM, May 25th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Dad, I have not replied to your threads up to this point but I have followed along. I am 8 years out of my divorce from my WXH who up and left me for another woman and tried to make the divorce seem like my fault. My kids were 9, 7 and 5 at the time.
For the rest of the weekend, if you talk to the kids, affirm that you know this is hard for them, but tell them you would rather discuss this when you are face to face and wait until they are home to talk with them. You've already been given great advice on what to say. I do NOT recommend talking about this on the phone for two reasons. Your wife may be listening and then have the opportunity to twist things against you after you hang up the phone or the kids may talk to her after you hang up and she may do the same. You need the chance to talk to them and then be there for the aftershocks...WITHOUT your toxic STBXW there to sabotage your relationship with them.

So sorry for all this.


-betrayed almost my whole almost 15 yr marriage
-divorced since 2004

Posts: 880 | Registered: Aug 2011
Topic Posts: 306
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