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Divorce/Separation     Print Topic    
User Topic: Abbondad Part II...
Afraid2LoveAgain
♀ Member
Member # 11185
Default  Posted: 8:02 AM, May 25th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm so sorry you are going through this, AbbonDad.

Are you sure that she didn't forward the text to your son? I've had iPhones and iPads since they first came out and I can't think of anyway this could have happened the way she told it.


BW -- 57
Divorced 2001
Re-married 2014--on what would have been our 35th anniversary

Posts: 427 | Registered: Jul 2006 | From: NC
debbysbaby
♀ Member
Member # 32962
Default  Posted: 8:06 AM, May 25th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Are you sure that she didn't forward the text to your son? I've had iPhones and iPads since they first came out and I can't think of anyway this could have happened the way she told it.

This will happen if both devices share an apple ID/itunes/icloud account. It was happening to me when my kids had ipod touches and I got an iphone. I thought we could all share an account so we could all share apps and games. Unfortunately it was sharing our texts and imessages, too. I had to get my own apple ID and make sure nothing was shared.


-betrayed almost my whole almost 15 yr marriage
-divorced since 2004

Posts: 880 | Registered: Aug 2011
Abbondad
♂ Member
Member # 37898
Default  Posted: 8:07 AM, May 25th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Also, although I expressed thanks to everyone in most of my posts, I want to "dedicate" this post to just say "Thank you."

I know I have been one of the hardest "cases" on these boards to get through to and it has been frustrating to witness me nod my head and ignore your advice, admonitions and wisdom as I walk straight back into the cycle of pain, buoyed by hope and delusion.

But through it all, believe me when I say that I have always known your advice was spot on. I have always known. I just could not bring myself to act. I was afraid. And I still am. And I still love my wife. That switch does not turn off easily. Maybe it never will.

For me, it ultimately came down to self respect, integrity, and of course love for my children. I think that unless there is something seriously wrong with someone, the human brain can withstand only so much pain and then it acts. It has to or it dies.

I have learned and am learning so much about love and human relationships. They are so complex but also so very simple.

My parents were married for fifty-two years. (By the way, my wife came from an extremely broken home, with three different fathers going away and coming back, which helps me understand her actions; but I digress.).

Toward the end of their lives, I asked my mom, "How did you and Daddy stay together for so long? And so happily?"

She replied, "We tried never to hurt each other. If something did, we didn't do it."

Complex, right?

I am very sad today. I hope to someday have the marriage my beloved parents did. I miss them and wish I could share my experience with them.

Thanks again everyone for sticking with me.


Divorced April Fool's Day 2014

Fear is the mind-killer.
Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration.
I will face my fear.
I will permit it to pass over me and through me.
-Dune


Posts: 1627 | Registered: Dec 2012
SisterMilkshake
♀ Member
Member # 30024
Default  Posted: 8:19 AM, May 25th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Your post made me tear up, Abbondad. Your mom sounds like she was very wise, I bet you do miss them, especially now. (((Abbondad)))

I am not saying you aren't special, Abbondad, but there have been countless others here at SI just like you. Everyone supports, chides, advises and sticks with them just like they did with you. Thats what they do here at SI.

Someday, you can do the same for someone else.


BW (me) 50ish FWH 50ish
Married 34 years, 3 children
d-day 3/10 LTA (4 yrs./fucking & flirting)

"Oh, why do my actions have consequences?" ~ Homer Simpson
"She knew my one weakness: That I'm weak!" ~ Homer Simpson


Posts: 9801 | Registered: Nov 2010 | From: The Great White North USA
gonnabe2016
♀ Member
Member # 34823
Default  Posted: 9:51 AM, May 25th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

She replied, "We tried never to hurt each other. If something did, we didn't do it."

I love your mom.....*dreamy sigh*

You've been honest, Dad. You've kept coming back and even if you didn't take the advice when it was given, it *stuck* in your head.

I was told to go NC
I was told that Sultan was NOT going to change
I was told NOT to bring him to SI
I was told NOT to suspend my divorce

I didn't listen either. I did it *my way* too. Everyone was absolutely, spot-on right. About everything.

The thing is that it takes some time to wrap your head around a reality that is sooooo different that what you thought it was and to change the *vision* that you held of the future. But most people get there eventually......


"Oh, what a tangled web we weave when first we practice to deceive." - Sir Walter Scott

In my effort to be *concise*, I often come off as blunt and harsh. Sorry, don't mean to be offensive.


Posts: 8088 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: Midwest
DeadMumWalking
♀ Member
Member # 25341
Default  Posted: 12:05 PM, May 25th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

"I'm afraid YOU are gonna meet someone else."

He doesn't want YOU to abandon him too, like his mom is.

As many others before me have said, and I hope that you are now truly taking on board, stick with THE TRUTH. ALWAYS. Yes, keep it age appropriate. But be there for your children 100%. Tell them, gently, the truth. All. The. Time. You never know how your lies will come back to bite you in the ass (and continue to hurt your children).

Hang in there ((((Abbondad & kids))))


Me (BS), Him (WH): early 50's
3 DS: teens!!! :)
M: 25 (19 1/2 at Dday), Together 30
Dday: Dec 2008
Limbo-ish, again (after multiple S) -- weighing my options

Posts: 2615 | Registered: Aug 2009 | From: EU
Abbondad
♂ Member
Member # 37898
Default  Posted: 12:42 PM, May 25th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

He doesn't want YOU to abandon him too, like his mom is.

You are exactly right about this!! He just texted me before, upset, and asked me just this! "You aren't gonna leave me, right?"

I have been texting him back ten times an hour reassuring him using every word in the English language that I will "never never ever ever" leave him.

My heart is broken today. He has never been anything but the happiest boy in the world, safe in the arms of his home and family. And now this poison has invaded his universe.

On the WW front: she just called me from the store, demanding that I come with the SUV to help her with large packages!! I told her once again, like yesterday, that she would have to handle this herself. This was not taken with cheer and good will.

I guess she does not like "time to grow" after all. Or at least this manifestation.

Does she not understand that this is life without Husband? That this is what she hath wrought?

I'm not taking pleasure in this despite my sarcasm. I am very sad. My deeply conditioned response is to rescue. But I had to resist and not react to her anger.


Divorced April Fool's Day 2014

Fear is the mind-killer.
Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration.
I will face my fear.
I will permit it to pass over me and through me.
-Dune


Posts: 1627 | Registered: Dec 2012
FaithFool
♀ Member
Member # 20150
Default  Posted: 12:54 PM, May 25th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((Abbondad)))

She is a bit slow isn't she? Sheesh, cake eater much?

Your son will be fine. I'm sorry you're going through this.


DDay: June 15, 2008
Mistakenly married Mr. Superfreak
20 years of OWs, WTF?
Divorced Dec 26, 2011
"Life is a shipwreck, but we must not forget
to sing in the lifeboats". -- Voltaire

Posts: 17559 | Registered: Jul 2008 | From: Canada
persevere
♀ Member
Member # 31468
Default  Posted: 1:14 PM, May 25th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

On the WW front: she just called me from the store, demanding that I come with the SUV to help her with large packages!! I told her once again, like yesterday, that she would have to handle this herself. This was not taken with cheer and good will.

I've been following your thread, and I know this was hard for you, but it is exactly the right thing to do. Good job. The 180 is more for you than her, but it is important that she understand that there are consequences to her choices.

Just keep reassuring your son, you're doing the best you can, and that's all any of us can do. ((Hugs))


Me: BW-44
Him: XWH-44
Together 9 yrs
DDays: 1/10/2011
Status: Divorced 4/27/11

Above all, be the heroine, not the victim. - Nora Ephron

It is our choices...that show what we truly are, far more than our abilities.
- J. K. Rowling


Posts: 4614 | Registered: Mar 2011 | From: Texas
Abbondad
♂ Member
Member # 37898
Default  Posted: 4:23 PM, May 25th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

To conclude my hellish day--and divorce has not even begun--this is what I get:

A phone rant from the WW accusing me of tampering with her phone, our sons phone, our ipad, Verizon, deliberately sending our son the divorce text, hiding information from her, and not telling her where I am.

The ironic crescendo: "I have always been honest and open with you. I have never hid anything. Whatever you are doing is not in the best interests of our children."

Project much?

Oh wait. That isn't projection. Which defense mechanism best suits this? All of them? Trying to remember Psych 101...

I don't know whether to laugh, cringe, or hire a team of shark lawyers.

[This message edited by Abbondad at 4:44 PM, May 25th (Saturday)]


Divorced April Fool's Day 2014

Fear is the mind-killer.
Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration.
I will face my fear.
I will permit it to pass over me and through me.
-Dune


Posts: 1627 | Registered: Dec 2012
ProbableIceCream
♂ Member
Member # 37468
Default  Posted: 4:40 PM, May 25th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It's all talk. The correct response is to ignore it.


Me, 32. DD, 8. DS, 6 (deceased).

Posts: 843 | Registered: Nov 2012
Jrazz
♀ Guide
Member # 31349
Default  Posted: 5:03 PM, May 25th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I remember when my IC started teaching me how to let go of trying to have a relationship with my NPD, toxic InLaws. I think her advice holds here too.

The more calm you are and the more you pull away to protect yourself, the angrier they will become. They will spew MORE vitriol, they will try to recruit people to their cause. Occasionally, they will do an about face and beg your forgiveness and sing your praises. This will last seconds before the anger returns. This is the way of those with NPD. The less control they have, the more they lash out.

On the one hand it's going to be very painful to face when they get an audience with you. On the other hand, the more they start to unravel, the easier it will be for you to see that you are making the right choice by protecting and distancing yourself from them.

You've come a million miles, Abbondad. I'm really proud of you. You're going to be ok, and you're a shining example to your kids of how to handle adversity with grace.

[This message edited by Jrazz at 5:04 PM, May 25th (Saturday)]


Cherish those who seek the truth but beware of those who find it. - François-Marie Arouet

Posts: 17860 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: California
Abbondad
♂ Member
Member # 37898
Default  Posted: 5:16 PM, May 25th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks so much, Jrazz. It is so hard, but god knows I am trying....

It is clear my WW is really starting to crack with that phone call. I must steel myself for more to come.


Divorced April Fool's Day 2014

Fear is the mind-killer.
Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration.
I will face my fear.
I will permit it to pass over me and through me.
-Dune


Posts: 1627 | Registered: Dec 2012
SBB
♀ Member
Member # 35229
Default  Posted: 6:46 PM, May 25th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Don't take her calls. Insist on all comms via email/text given she can't seem to control herself.

Don't engage - do not give her a chance to rant at you verbally. Time to cut her off.

I'm an assistant and a few years ago I heard my old boss telling his XW off on the phone several years after D. Something about how dumb she was for buying a particular car. At the end of the phone call I told him he was no longer her husband, she no longer his wife - he had no right to speak to her that way.

It sounds weird but its true. We don't have to put up with their bullshit anymore.

Not the yelling, not the criticism, not the moods - nothing. We don't have to put up with any of it anymore.


I may have reached a point where I'd piss on him if he was on fire.... eventually!!

Posts: 5609 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: Australia
JamieMc
♀ Member
Member # 37776
Default  Posted: 7:03 PM, May 25th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Dad, I am glad you are still drawing support from S.I:) I truly believe, even the 2x4's you received, were for the most part , coming from true caring and in many cases, hard lessons that posters were just trying to spare you some grief. For me personally, I was the girl that found out @ 10 years old that Dad cheated on Mom:( I lived with that hellish lie until I was 19 & could afford to move out. They eventually split several years later but my childhood & my siblings would have been sooo much better if they had stuck a fork in it YEARS earlier! Hug your kids & keep posting! You CAN be a stable parent for your young ones and WE are here for you ! All the best Jamie


BS early 50's Wh also early 50's. I am Jamie, Mom to 3 great teens/young adults. My WH and I have been together more than half of our lives and married 25+. We are in MC & going to give R our best shot, hoping and praying for a better 2013!

Posts: 112 | Registered: Dec 2012 | From: USA
alphakitte
♀ Member
Member # 33438
Default  Posted: 7:43 PM, May 25th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Projection? Maybe some. Mostly deflection. The goal is to cause you to go on the defensive and get all wrapped up in that.

Crickets should be your response to the most recent volley.


------ Some people are emotional tadpoles. Even if they mature they are just a warty toad. Catt

Posts: 350 | Registered: Sep 2011 | From: 3 klicks north of Ambiguous
Compartmented
Member
Member # 29410
Default  Posted: 8:22 PM, May 25th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I tried comforting him for a bit and then asked him: "Is there one thing about this that scares you or upsets you the most? That you think about the most?"

"Yes."

"Tell me and maybe it won't be so scary."

"I'm afraid YOU are gonna meet someone else."

Abbondad, I know it's hard and scary, but keep that communication going! That's good stuff that you wrote! My children are older and don't share as much with me.

I know it's hard to hear the things you hear at SI, but I have to tell you, there are folks worse off than you....I lurked so long because I knew if I posted, I'd hear stuff I didn't want to hear and couldn't face. SI was right, but I seriously thought my situation was different. Hang in there and you'll be okay. Keep posting, keep reading...you'll get through this and you'll be able to be there for your children. SI, counseling and Al-Anon have gotten me from the depths of despair back to happiness.

ImNellNow's 180 train was a great thing!

It seems like all your questions boil down to "how do I stay on the 180 train"? Since you obviously come to SI for support and advice, you might do what I did a few years ago and start a thread in D/S or General to check in every day about your attempts to implement the 180. I did it to be accountable somewhere and I would talk about what I did for me, when I fell off by interacting with Daffy, and other "riders" would occasionally jump in with their stories or support. I found it really helpful.

Just start a thread with some sort of "180 support" name and join in! We used to post what we did each day in terms of working the 180; we shared our little successes, and big ones, and a few failures. It's a process; one day at a time.

And this:

Change your ringtone on your phone so when your WW calls it plays "Bitches aint shit" by Dr. Dre
makes me love SI!!

Posts: 1275 | Registered: Aug 2010
metamorphisis
♀ Administrator
Member # 12041
Default  Posted: 8:45 PM, May 25th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Purely technical support here..

Does your son have an Iphone by any chance? I read about a similar Iphone account problem somewhere else.
This might explain it..https://discussions.apple.com/thread/3820405?start=0&tstart=0



“We don't see things as they are; we see them as we are.”... Anais Nin

Posts: 44988 | Registered: Sep 2006
Abbondad
♂ Member
Member # 37898
Default  Posted: 7:40 AM, May 26th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks, Metamorphosis,

I think I figured out the problem. I had to turn off iCloud in my iPad settings under Messages. (My son's iphone is linked to my account.). Hate iCloud. It's screwed me up before, deleting hundreds of my bookmarks.


Divorced April Fool's Day 2014

Fear is the mind-killer.
Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration.
I will face my fear.
I will permit it to pass over me and through me.
-Dune


Posts: 1627 | Registered: Dec 2012
Abbondad
♂ Member
Member # 37898
Default  Posted: 7:45 AM, May 26th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Good morning, everyone,

Reel me back in please. Or at least advise. I now realize that yesterday my wife likely had the AP drive her to our home when I refused to rescue her from a parking lot where she couldn't get into her car.

I am fighting the urge to call her and let loose on her, thus breaking my composure and 180. Threaten to call the police on him for trespassing, anything I can think of.

A boundary has been crossed. He has never been to our home. Our home is sacred. This to me is utter disrespect and defilement.

Please advise.

Thank you!


Divorced April Fool's Day 2014

Fear is the mind-killer.
Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration.
I will face my fear.
I will permit it to pass over me and through me.
-Dune


Posts: 1627 | Registered: Dec 2012
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