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I Can Relate     Print Topic    
User Topic: Betrayed Men - Part 10
SI Staff
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Member # 10
Default  Posted: 1:13 PM, May 16th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage


Posts: 10000 | Registered: May 2002
HoldingTogether
♂ Member
Member # 29429
Default  Posted: 1:17 PM, May 16th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

First post! Booyaa
This is the kind of spontaneous publicity - your name in print - that makes people. I'm in print! Things are going to start happening to me now.
-Steve Martin The Jerk

[This message edited by HoldingTogether at 1:20 PM, May 16th (Thursday)]


Me:BH 41
Her:FWW40(Walkinoneggshellz)
2 Beautiful little girls 13&10
Dday: 7/24/10 1yr EA turned 5 monthPA
"I gotta hole in me now... I got a scar I can talk about."

Posts: 337 | Registered: Aug 2010 | From: New Life
Sal1995
♂ Member
Member # 39099
Default  Posted: 1:22 PM, May 16th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

How's it going, guys? I wanted to get in on the ground floor of this thread.


Me-45
WW-42
DDay 2/17/13, 10 month PA/EA
Final NC late Feb. '13
M - 18 years, together 19+
4 children

Reconciled


Posts: 1025 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Texas
2fwd1back
♂ New Member
Member # 39131
Default  Posted: 1:47 PM, May 16th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Posted this just as BM 9 closed and was hoping to get some feedback sorry if you already read/replied...

Sorry if this is TMI and crude but 10 months into this and it is still bugging the shit out of me... My W had 2 PA with coworkers over a 4 month period that consisted of oral sex only but without protection. She rarely did it at home and even more rarely swallowed but had no problem doing it exclusively to these two guys. I just don't get it, on top of it we both have a medical background and she is a germaphobe so she was well aware of the risks. When I originally found out about the A and questioned it she replied she "didn't know" (I got that answer a lot) and that she was ashamed of it and it made her feel very uncomfortable because in hind sight she realizes it was the wrong choice. But wtf! She said at the time was that they were both in LTR/M so she did not feel it was a risk...but I just don't get it? Why swallow? Why do it? No further clarity in MC either. Just wonder if there were any others with this shitty phenomenon. I hate to bring it up now because I feel like I am going backward. It seems like there are just so many things that I will never get the answers to.
Wish I could get some good traction in R and working on making me the priority. Can't seem to get either right though.


BH (me), 40
WW, 39
M 15 years, T 24 years
2 kids, 11 & 9
DDay 1 6/12 EA
DDay 2 7/12 Actually a PA
DDay 3 7/12 Wellllll... Actually a PA with 2 guys
In MC, Attempting R

Posts: 11 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: USA
5454real
♂ Member
Member # 37455
Default  Posted: 1:59 PM, May 16th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Congrats dday. A new life awaits!


BH 50, WW 41
DS 23(Mine),SD 21,SS 19(Hers),DS 8 Ours, DGS 2 1/2
D=Day #1 5/04EA (Rugswept)
D-Day #2 3/10/12, TT til 3/13/12
Married 10yrs
“I have no love for a friend who loves in words alone.”
― Sophocles, Antigone

Posts: 2065 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: midwest
Sal1995
♂ Member
Member # 39099
Default  Posted: 2:28 PM, May 16th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

2fwd, I don't think we'll ever get the answers we want or need to the "how could you?" question that swirls through our minds.

I just checked out your profile, and wasn't a bit surprised to see that your wife is 40 years old. Mine was 40 when her affair started. And like your wife (from what I gathered from reading your posts), my wife decided to act like a slutty 20-year old rather than the 40-year wife and mother she is.

I think this is what they call a MLC, and being responsible, moral and rational isn't part of the mindset. I don't think approaching 40, or having a "MLC" is an excuse, but it does appear that people who don't handle the reality of aging, and who have unresolved issues going back to childhood, really go off the rails during that period of life.

The media likes to play up male MLCs as a bigger threat to families, but a lot of men on this site know better. Living with a cheating wife or one who all of a sudden places more importance on drinking and partying than on you and the kids is hell.

My wife has a biology degree and pushed me for years to get a vasectomy, and then spent 10 months having unprotected sex with a lowlife she met at a dance club. STDs...Pregnancy ...Meh. Why let unpleasant thoughts like that get in the way of ruining our marriage. Make sense? It doesn't to her anymore, either.

I think the only thing we can do is look at how remorseful our wives are after D Day, and what they are doing to reconcile and help us heal. A lot of WWs seem to snap out of it quickly and become grown ups again after D Day, once they realize how close they are to losing their husband. My wife seems to have done so.

It looks like your wife is at least working towards R (going to MC is a positive sign). If you read some of the other stuff from BHs on this site, you'll find instances where the wife doesn't even acknowledge any wrongdoing.

Wish you the best.

[This message edited by Sal1995 at 2:33 PM, May 16th (Thursday)]


Me-45
WW-42
DDay 2/17/13, 10 month PA/EA
Final NC late Feb. '13
M - 18 years, together 19+
4 children

Reconciled


Posts: 1025 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Texas
ReunitePangea
♂ Member
Member # 37529
Default  Posted: 2:34 PM, May 16th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sal - My WW affairs started in her 20's and finally stopped when she hit her late 30's. She finally matured and valued things in life differently. These A's come all different packages I am afriad.


BS - Me 38
WS - Wife 39
D-Day - Oct 12
Married 10 years
OM1 - 12-year LTA
OM2 - 9 month A turned into open relationship with couple for another 1 1/2 years

Posts: 399 | Registered: Nov 2012
5454real
♂ Member
Member # 37455
Default  Posted: 2:39 PM, May 16th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Been through this shit 5 times with 5 different women. Teens(Late), 20's(early), Mid to late 20's(1st M), mid 30's(though she was 40) and now, her late 30's(2nd M) so 2 out of 5 fit the profile.

Long and short? It's everywhere. Society has removed almost all stigma from an affair. Shit, I remember when an affair was shameful. Now it's a publicity gimmick.


BH 50, WW 41
DS 23(Mine),SD 21,SS 19(Hers),DS 8 Ours, DGS 2 1/2
D=Day #1 5/04EA (Rugswept)
D-Day #2 3/10/12, TT til 3/13/12
Married 10yrs
“I have no love for a friend who loves in words alone.”
― Sophocles, Antigone

Posts: 2065 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: midwest
Sal1995
♂ Member
Member # 39099
Default  Posted: 2:44 PM, May 16th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I agree with you Pangea, affairs come at all ages. Saw a post earlier from someone whose wife started one in her 60s. But there does seem to be a large class of women who have these issues around 40, give or take a few years. Just look at the bios on this site. They (like my wife) all of a sudden start acting half their age. And not a mature 20-year old, more like a drunken sorority chick who's an easy lay to any guy who takes the time to tell her how hot she is.

That's not to say that women who have affairs out of this age range are more culpable than women who have them at different stages, or that somehow it excuses the behavior if the wife is 39 or 40 years old. But it does seem to be a common, and relatively short-lived stage that some middle-aged women go through, and there seems to be a light at the end of the tunnel. My wife acts like a 40-year old wife and mother, again, 2fwd's is at least going to MC, so there's some hope in that I think.


Me-45
WW-42
DDay 2/17/13, 10 month PA/EA
Final NC late Feb. '13
M - 18 years, together 19+
4 children

Reconciled


Posts: 1025 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Texas
Sal1995
♂ Member
Member # 39099
Default  Posted: 2:46 PM, May 16th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

But it all sucks, and it's wrong no matter what the age or excuse. Didn't mean to imply differently. Still trying to figure this shit out, I guess.


Me-45
WW-42
DDay 2/17/13, 10 month PA/EA
Final NC late Feb. '13
M - 18 years, together 19+
4 children

Reconciled


Posts: 1025 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Texas
wert
♂ Member
Member # 34478
Default  Posted: 2:54 PM, May 16th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

2fwd1back -

I am really sorry you are going through this. Keep posting, listening and learning it really does help.

I will say this about the swallowing thing...you will drive yourself bat shit crazy trying to figure out why irrational people behave the way they do. Please don't try to figure out why adults act stupid, childish and cruel. It is a loosing proposition.

IMO screw her. I don't mean that in the sense that you should leave or you should be mean to her, but in your heart just turn away from her for a while. Tune her out and tune into yourself. Tell her you need some time to figure out what you want - and mean it. Do some soul searching. Read, write, run, play a new sport, hang out with trusted friend or make some new ones. Go for long walks. Count leaves on trees and contemplate the universe. Simply put, stop putting effort into your M. Start putting it into you, your career, your kids or whatever turns you on (within reason). Do it for a month or for however long it takes to feel solid again on your own. Get your finances in order. Talk to an lawyer about your options and what D would look like. Be ready to walk. This is all dangerous but so is the entire explosion that just happened in your M. Do IC if that is you thing. Recommend you W does the same.

Then when you feel like you want to...talk with her about it. Get into MC if you need help communicating, read books and dive back into the M with both feet if that is what you want. Do it for you, not the kids or her or the world you have created - for you. If you don't want to stay in the M make a plan and get the hell out.

There is a large amount of communal wisdom on these boards, especially in the men's thread. Some of the boys know. Listen hard and close, put it in the context of your life and world view and make choices for yourself.

take care...



Posts: 1364 | Registered: Jan 2012
5454real
♂ Member
Member # 37455
Default  Posted: 3:05 PM, May 16th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

2fwd1back, ^^^^^^^^^ Wert is one of those guys. Read and read again. Then implement. It will help you immensely and maybe save you some grief.


BH 50, WW 41
DS 23(Mine),SD 21,SS 19(Hers),DS 8 Ours, DGS 2 1/2
D=Day #1 5/04EA (Rugswept)
D-Day #2 3/10/12, TT til 3/13/12
Married 10yrs
“I have no love for a friend who loves in words alone.”
― Sophocles, Antigone

Posts: 2065 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: midwest
Decimated
♂ Member
Member # 31656
Default  Posted: 3:08 PM, May 16th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

40 does seem to be the magic number.

My XWW started acting like a spoiled teenager at 38...when her cheating started. She was 40 when I found out.

Her sexual inhibitions seemed to vanish during her affair...but just not with me. I will never know everything because she didn't seem to think telling me the whole, honest truth was important. From the details I do know, she was engaging in activities that she didn't do at home with me. She also didn't think protection was necessary because he was married too. In fact, POSOM got a vasectomy so they wouldn't have to use protection. In XWW's mind, pregnancy was all she had to worry about. Surprise! He gave her HPV...one of the bad ones. AT 41, she had to have a Hysterectomy as a result.

I stayed for a year 1 1/2 years before I hit the eject button. In the end it was just way too much shit to deal with. After I divorced her, she tried to contact POSOM. Another surprise, he wanted nothing to do with her.


Decimated
Me -BH 48
Her-WW 40
D Day #1 9/09 (found out about friendship, she promised NC...she lied)
D day #2 1/11 (found out EA on going...she lied)
D day #3 4/11 (found out EA was a PA...still lying)
M 16 years, 3 kids
Divorced - 1/13

Posts: 106 | Registered: Mar 2011
Sal1995
♂ Member
Member # 39099
Default  Posted: 4:02 PM, May 16th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

After I divorced her, she tried to contact POSOM. Another surprise, he wanted nothing to do with her.

Ha, of course not. What most of these POSOM want is no-strings-attached sex with a good looking woman, not a real relationship. Let some other poor dumb son of a bitch pay her bills.

My WWs POSOM barely reacted when she told him I found out. He didn't fight for her, didn't beg her to leave me, nothing. Just a weak "I'll be here for you when you're ready". I saw the email.

These dumb bitches apparently can't tell the difference between a man who really loves them and one who is just using them until it's too late.


Me-45
WW-42
DDay 2/17/13, 10 month PA/EA
Final NC late Feb. '13
M - 18 years, together 19+
4 children

Reconciled


Posts: 1025 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Texas
jjct
♂ Member
Member # 17484
Default  Posted: 4:45 PM, May 16th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Tune her out and tune you in.
It's wert, for the win!

I started working out again. real cute gal walks by, I asked the trainer which machine to use, you know, to make me look good.

She pointed and said; "Try the ATM machine over there."

Well, there is light at the end of the Fun nel. An oldie (I gotta get out and swing some dead cats more) but goodie.

[This message edited by jjct at 4:45 PM, May 16th (Thursday)]


Posts: 6005 | Registered: Dec 2007 | From: texas
pjkmkjm23
♂ Member
Member # 35778
Default  Posted: 5:36 PM, May 16th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I vote jjct FTW! (Wow! Hook a brother up?! lol)

40 was the magic # for my STBXWW, then 46....

I'm mostly a lurker here but I love this thread and all the guys in it. To bad we couldn't all get together one day (preferably in jjct's city...and he can bring his 'friends'!).


Me (BS) - 40
Her (EX) - 47
3 kids - D13, S12, D6.
M 15yrs, together ~17 yrs.
DD#1: Sept. 2004 mOM #1 (rugswept, I forgive...eventually)
DD#2: May 2012 mOM #2 (she walked-away)
Divorced: July 2013
Custody battle from hell: ongoing :-(

Posts: 273 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: Canada
Ascendant
♂ Member
Member # 38303
Default  Posted: 6:00 PM, May 16th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Looking boldly forward to 50 more pages of sound advice, straight shooting, humor, and the sturdiest 2 x 4s known around these parts.... with the possible exception of Aubrie over in Wayward Side... she lays the smack down on some of the candy-passed waywards.


“Anyone who has a continuous smile on his face conceals a toughness that is almost frightening.”

Posts: 1587 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Illinois
reallyscrewedup7
♂ Member
Member # 30825
Default  Posted: 6:08 PM, May 16th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Dday

Sorry and congratulations at the same time. I hope your life is better and that your journey to healing is nearly done.

[This message edited by reallyscrewedup7 at 6:09 PM, May 16th (Thursday)]


Infidelity sucks shit

Posts: 879 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: Finding my way
StillGoing
♂ Member
Member # 28571
Default  Posted: 9:18 PM, May 16th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I don't think the 40's are more representative than the 30's, 50's or 60's and that's about the whole average adult spectrum of age.

There are a lot of transition phases in life, which means a lot of opportunities for people to panic or get stupid and blow shit up.


“Fate is a fickle bitch who dotes on irony.”

Posts: 7101 | Registered: May 2010 | From: USA
h0peless
♂ Member
Member # 36697
Default  Posted: 9:55 PM, May 16th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Mine finally left for one of them right after she turned 31, although to be fair, she had been cheating on me with various dudes throughout our 10 year relationship. Unbeknownst to me, of course.

Posts: 1316 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: Arizona
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