[This message edited by HoldingTogether at 1:20 PM, May 16th (Thursday)]
Sorry if this is TMI and crude but 10 months into this and it is still bugging the shit out of me... My W had 2 PA with coworkers over a 4 month period that consisted of oral sex only but without protection. She rarely did it at home and even more rarely swallowed but had no problem doing it exclusively to these two guys. I just don't get it, on top of it we both have a medical background and she is a germaphobe so she was well aware of the risks. When I originally found out about the A and questioned it she replied she "didn't know" (I got that answer a lot) and that she was ashamed of it and it made her feel very uncomfortable because in hind sight she realizes it was the wrong choice. But wtf! She said at the time was that they were both in LTR/M so she did not feel it was a risk...but I just don't get it? Why swallow? Why do it? No further clarity in MC either. Just wonder if there were any others with this shitty phenomenon. I hate to bring it up now because I feel like I am going backward. It seems like there are just so many things that I will never get the answers to.
Wish I could get some good traction in R and working on making me the priority. Can't seem to get either right though.
I just checked out your profile, and wasn't a bit surprised to see that your wife is 40 years old. Mine was 40 when her affair started. And like your wife (from what I gathered from reading your posts), my wife decided to act like a slutty 20-year old rather than the 40-year wife and mother she is.
I think this is what they call a MLC, and being responsible, moral and rational isn't part of the mindset. I don't think approaching 40, or having a "MLC" is an excuse, but it does appear that people who don't handle the reality of aging, and who have unresolved issues going back to childhood, really go off the rails during that period of life.
The media likes to play up male MLCs as a bigger threat to families, but a lot of men on this site know better. Living with a cheating wife or one who all of a sudden places more importance on drinking and partying than on you and the kids is hell.
My wife has a biology degree and pushed me for years to get a vasectomy, and then spent 10 months having unprotected sex with a lowlife she met at a dance club. STDs...Pregnancy ...Meh. Why let unpleasant thoughts like that get in the way of ruining our marriage. Make sense? It doesn't to her anymore, either.
I think the only thing we can do is look at how remorseful our wives are after D Day, and what they are doing to reconcile and help us heal. A lot of WWs seem to snap out of it quickly and become grown ups again after D Day, once they realize how close they are to losing their husband. My wife seems to have done so.
It looks like your wife is at least working towards R (going to MC is a positive sign). If you read some of the other stuff from BHs on this site, you'll find instances where the wife doesn't even acknowledge any wrongdoing.
Wish you the best.
[This message edited by Sal1995 at 2:33 PM, May 16th (Thursday)]
Long and short? It's everywhere. Society has removed almost all stigma from an affair. Shit, I remember when an affair was shameful. Now it's a publicity gimmick.
That's not to say that women who have affairs out of this age range are more culpable than women who have them at different stages, or that somehow it excuses the behavior if the wife is 39 or 40 years old. But it does seem to be a common, and relatively short-lived stage that some middle-aged women go through, and there seems to be a light at the end of the tunnel. My wife acts like a 40-year old wife and mother, again, 2fwd's is at least going to MC, so there's some hope in that I think.
I am really sorry you are going through this. Keep posting, listening and learning it really does help.
I will say this about the swallowing thing...you will drive yourself bat shit crazy trying to figure out why irrational people behave the way they do. Please don't try to figure out why adults act stupid, childish and cruel. It is a loosing proposition.
IMO screw her. I don't mean that in the sense that you should leave or you should be mean to her, but in your heart just turn away from her for a while. Tune her out and tune into yourself. Tell her you need some time to figure out what you want - and mean it. Do some soul searching. Read, write, run, play a new sport, hang out with trusted friend or make some new ones. Go for long walks. Count leaves on trees and contemplate the universe. Simply put, stop putting effort into your M. Start putting it into you, your career, your kids or whatever turns you on (within reason). Do it for a month or for however long it takes to feel solid again on your own. Get your finances in order. Talk to an lawyer about your options and what D would look like. Be ready to walk. This is all dangerous but so is the entire explosion that just happened in your M. Do IC if that is you thing. Recommend you W does the same.
Then when you feel like you want to...talk with her about it. Get into MC if you need help communicating, read books and dive back into the M with both feet if that is what you want. Do it for you, not the kids or her or the world you have created - for you. If you don't want to stay in the M make a plan and get the hell out.
There is a large amount of communal wisdom on these boards, especially in the men's thread. Some of the boys know. Listen hard and close, put it in the context of your life and world view and make choices for yourself.
My XWW started acting like a spoiled teenager at 38...when her cheating started. She was 40 when I found out.
Her sexual inhibitions seemed to vanish during her affair...but just not with me. I will never know everything because she didn't seem to think telling me the whole, honest truth was important. From the details I do know, she was engaging in activities that she didn't do at home with me. She also didn't think protection was necessary because he was married too. In fact, POSOM got a vasectomy so they wouldn't have to use protection. In XWW's mind, pregnancy was all she had to worry about. Surprise! He gave her HPV...one of the bad ones. AT 41, she had to have a Hysterectomy as a result.
I stayed for a year 1 1/2 years before I hit the eject button. In the end it was just way too much shit to deal with. After I divorced her, she tried to contact POSOM. Another surprise, he wanted nothing to do with her.
After I divorced her, she tried to contact POSOM. Another surprise, he wanted nothing to do with her.
Ha, of course not. What most of these POSOM want is no-strings-attached sex with a good looking woman, not a real relationship. Let some other poor dumb son of a bitch pay her bills.
My WWs POSOM barely reacted when she told him I found out. He didn't fight for her, didn't beg her to leave me, nothing. Just a weak "I'll be here for you when you're ready". I saw the email.
These dumb bitches apparently can't tell the difference between a man who really loves them and one who is just using them until it's too late.
I started working out again. real cute gal walks by, I asked the trainer which machine to use, you know, to make me look good.
She pointed and said; "Try the ATM machine over there."
Well, there is light at the end of the Fun nel. An oldie (I gotta get out and swing some dead cats more) but goodie.
[This message edited by jjct at 4:45 PM, May 16th (Thursday)]
40 was the magic # for my STBXWW, then 46....
I'm mostly a lurker here but I love this thread and all the guys in it. To bad we couldn't all get together one day (preferably in jjct's city...and he can bring his 'friends'!).
Sorry and congratulations at the same time. I hope your life is better and that your journey to healing is nearly done.
[This message edited by reallyscrewedup7 at 6:09 PM, May 16th (Thursday)]
There are a lot of transition phases in life, which means a lot of opportunities for people to panic or get stupid and blow shit up.