Cheating Hurt by Infidelity
Betrayal Wayward Donations lying
Welcome

Forums

Guidelines

Find a Local Counselor

The Healing Library

Media

Contact Us
lies
cover
In Association with Amazon.com
Support
Infidelity -
-
Find a Local Couselor
You are not logged in. Login here or register.
[Register]
Newest Member: SoCalBoy (43217)

I Can Relate     Print Topic    
User Topic: Betrayed Men - Part 10
Betrayed444
♂ Member
Member # 38389
Default  Posted: 12:13 PM, May 23rd (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Dragging that shit out into the light to talk about it and examine it breaks up that insulating safety shell and puts it up for examination by objective reality, and objective reality always comes back with: fucking someone you aren't married to, when you are married, is wrong. It's like beating your kids with a lead pipe. It really doesn't matter how mouthy or disrespectful they are, it's fucking wrong.

Right on!
The fog is nothing more than a perverted rationalization they give themselves to suck another dick.
They want it. They want to fuck someone else. Be a porn star to keep it and come up with an excuse why they did it. Your reputation be damned. The BS is a tool. An ice breaker. An asshole. A bad guy.
Of course they are fishing for
" if you were mine I would always spoil you"
Thats easy. I think I have seen stat after stat showing the WW was the pursuer. They go after it. Time after time. Meanwhile they in turn get played. The OM sits back, sees it for what it is, and lets WW think she is doing all the work.
In OM's mind it probably alleviates him of blame.
"She came after me"
"She said your marriage was over"
" I didn't talk her into it"
I also think in many cases, not all, it is advantageous for an OM to make a WW do all the work so it doesn't appear that he pressured her in any way. This way she won't wake up and resist. WW's aren't the smartest animals on the planet.

[This message edited by Betrayed444 at 12:16 PM, May 23rd (Thursday)]


Posts: 494 | Registered: Feb 2013
numb&dumb
♂ Member
Member # 28542
Default  Posted: 12:31 PM, May 23rd (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

begin t/j

SG-

Why you have to be hating on Bethesda ? F03 better i.e- far less buggy that FONV.

Yes you should buy Sykrim, pretty good for not having guns in it.

end t/j

The disclosure part of it. Yes some WW do come clean and some give just enough to absolve their guilt and then some get it all out. The point that gets lost is that we are not dealing with women who are mentally normal. They are the exception to the norm. The issue becomes when you try apply "normal" criteria to someone who is "wayward" in though and action. They may have been once, and can be again, but expecting a donkey to turn into a zebra just isn't a reasonable expectation. I am in no way excusing what they did at all. I just want to point out when somebody is "messed up in the head," most of their actions are going to appear absurd to someone looking at it from a relatively healthy place.

Again not saying it is right, but helps me come to terms with why certain things did not happen the way I expected them to play out. It is like trying to communicate with someone in a different language, you might get the gist, but really can only guess at what they are really saying. It comes across as crazy . . because it is crazy.

Ok onto new topic I am in a fairly good place, but I am having trouble with a desire to make sure that my W feels the full consequences of her actions. I want to make sure that she suffers for her choices. I want to see her suffer as much as I have (maybe more). I can suppress it most times, but it does come out.

Example:

W: I feel so horrible today. I feel so bad for hurting you and betraying your trust. I am so happy to get a chance at a new M with you.

M: You should feel bad and it is right that you suffer. You get a chance at a chance for a new M. Call it a probationary M with an at will exit clause. Don't F it up !

She is doing everything she can, but it does not seem like it will ever be enough. Punishing behavior? Probably. I still have a lot anger floating around that I thought I had dealt with. Am I crazy ? Or just mean spirited ? Or . . .

I want my M. I know that. I have trouble letting go of the punishment or the feel that I need to reinforce what she is feeling with my own angst.


Me-35 her-35

DS 1, DD 6
Dday 8/31/11. ONS that occurred 3 years earlier. Lied to for 3 years.

Every truth comes to light in a long enough timeline.


Posts: 2457 | Registered: May 2010
Betrayed444
♂ Member
Member # 38389
Default  Posted: 12:44 PM, May 23rd (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

She is doing everything she can, but it does not seem like it will ever be enough. Punishing behavior? Probably. I still have a lot anger floating around that I thought I had dealt with. Am I crazy ? Or just mean spirited ? Or

Punishing?
No way dude. As long as your having triggers, mental movies, feel any sort of pain then you are still suffering. You can't just turn it off. Sure there are techniques but every now and then those thoughts, feelings, stomach acid creeps right back in. For ANYTHING
Shit bro, my WW removed her shirt the other day and I'm like that's what she did for him.
Last night we watched a movie on the bed. Her body language said she wanted to fuck. Turned toward me. Legs tantalizingly apart. I was like, did she lie next to him like that.
After the movie I said I had to sleep and sent her away.
Don't let her become the victim. She did this to YOU.
As long as you feel this you need an outlet. Don't bottle it up. Share what you feel. You feel it? So should she.
If your in R you will fail of you let her off the hook while your In misery.
There is no set time limit. It is never too long.
Divorce is final. You can cut bait. Start over. Enjoy a new life. Find a good woman or a few.
If you R you know the odds. Your not punishing her. She needs to be there and absorb all your feelings and console no matter how long that takes. It's not about her. She chose to sit on someone else's cock. Your the victim. She knew the consequences. Shit bro if its too hot for her she can walk. Really are you willing to settle for less.
I like this quote
"don't go around fire expecting not to sweat"
She played with a huge fire
Stay strong

[This message edited by Betrayed444 at 12:46 PM, May 23rd (Thursday)]


Posts: 494 | Registered: Feb 2013
noescape
♂ Member
Member # 34888
Default  Posted: 1:14 PM, May 23rd (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

" if you were mine I would always spoil you"

B444, now I'm sure its the same WW. Her OM said something to this effect a few times in different ways (maybe the only truth which she considered safe enough to come out of her pie hole).


Posts: 739 | Registered: Feb 2012
RyeBread
♂ Member
Member # 37437
Default  Posted: 1:42 PM, May 23rd (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

B444, now I'm sure its the same WW. Her OM said something to this effect a few times in different ways (maybe the only truth which she considered safe enough to come out of her pie hole).

I also see this as a lame attempt to make us feel guilty for not doing enough to make them feel special. So our WW's throw that in to see how many hoops we'll jump through to win them back.


Let him that would move the world first move himself. - Socrates

Posts: 957 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: Midwest
StillGoing
♂ Member
Member # 28571
Default  Posted: 1:50 PM, May 23rd (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Why you have to be hating on Bethesda ? F03 better i.e- far less buggy that FONV.

Because I liked Fallout, FO2 and FO:T. FO3 could literally be any post apoc game it wanted to be, it did not have any fallout feel to it for me. It was a ridiculously stupid plot - I mean come on, fucking aliens? - moved incredibly slow, felt like it shoehorned me into everything and I swear by Pluto's Thorny Cock if I ever hear Liam Neeson's voice in a game again I will punch the moon out of orbit. I felt like a post apoc shooting game where I got to talk to some people and blow some things up. I probably would have enjoyed it more if it were not actually a Fallout title but as it was, I rank it down near the Xbox game. It takes more than flaming garbage cans, mutants and irradiated prostitutes to make that title work for me.

OTOH New Vegas was loaded with references from the other games, and I have since discovered they used a lot of the Van Buren stuff that was cancelled when Interplay went poop. There is a lot to explore, and so many damn different plot options I don't think I will ever dig them all out. It really felt like what FO3 should have been and made me change my mind about the game just plain sucking because it was in First/Third person instead of isometric with turn based combat. Though I still think VATS is kind of dumb. I think if you are going to make it a FPS style over the shoulder game, design it around that - it really didn't add much for me, much like the real-time option for FO:T didn't do much for me either.

I will probably go back to FO3 again at some point and try to force myself through it since I got it and all the dlc together on some mega steam sale for like 8 bucks. I was never an ES fan to begin with though - I thought Morrowind and Oblivion were overrated and dull, and if I wanted to read that much text I damn well better enjoy it, but I didn't and I developed a low burning hate-on for the games. So there's some bias towards FO3 out of that also.

I don't go onto FO forums shitting all over the game, if people enjoy it then have at. If I was going to play a non-50's themed post-apoc game though I'd rather it be named something other than Fallout. Like Metro2033. That's a creepy fucking game too. I want to check out Last Light but never finished 2033.

/Sorry, long winded gaming rant off.

I think the " if you were mine I would always spoil you" thing is just a way to shit talk the BH so the OM looks better, yeah. Perspective is a powerful thing.


“Fate is a fickle bitch who dotes on irony.”

Posts: 7116 | Registered: May 2010 | From: USA
DefiledRage
♂ Member
Member # 39292
Default  Posted: 1:51 PM, May 23rd (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

"don't go around fire expecting not to sweat"

nice, NO LOVE
Little numb today. Just when you think maybe they understand the shityness of what they've done they open their mouth. She made a comment can't even really remember what it was, I said you getting complacent with me wouldn't be good (after 2m and 3 weeks she ain't earned shit back yet) Her come back "well it was our complacency that got us here" HOLY SHIT ON A RUBBER CRUTCH, I blew a freakin fuse! I've always tried real hard to not let me see me lose my temper, don't want her to have that power, but she got an ear full last night. Complacency may have lead to crappy marriage, but you opening your legs is what got us here. Its a simple fucking concept, get it in your fucking head, I was in that same overstressed marriage but you don't see me banging other people do you.
Anyway...
Am I crazy ? Or just mean spirited ?

I don't think your either. If the hurt hasn't receded then I think its normal to want to express that we are still really hurting inside. The fact that they view the male expression of this as punishment, well too fucking bad. I'm going to keep expressing my disdain for what's she's done.
I've read a hundred times that the forgiveness is more about us telling ourselves its okay to move on and less to do with actually forgiving what they have done to us. That maybe true, I'm nowhere near that, and don't see that happening anytime soon. Maybe that will be when my anger for her turns to pity for her, not sure.


Me:35 WW:34 M:13yrs
3 young children
Dday 1 EA 7/8/2010
Dday 2 PA 3/1/2013 same OMM for 4yrs

Mister rabbit says, "A moment of realization is worth a thousand prayers."


Posts: 427 | Registered: May 2013 | From: Two blocks from south shit and west hell
Betrayed444
♂ Member
Member # 38389
Default  Posted: 1:52 PM, May 23rd (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

B444, now I'm sure its the same WW.

It is possible! They do get around.

Posts: 494 | Registered: Feb 2013
64fleet
♂ Member
Member # 18710
Default  Posted: 2:05 PM, May 23rd (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

5+ yrs out mine has never confessed anything to this day. Everything I found out was pulled tooth and nail. Only with proof did she admit some things, other things are still denied, even with proof.


time wounds all heels

Posts: 5359 | Registered: Mar 2008 | From: deliverance land
Betrayed444
♂ Member
Member # 38389
Default  Posted: 3:11 PM, May 23rd (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

nice, NO LOVE

Defiled
Yeah thanks for turning me on to this
One of my new favorites!!

Posts: 494 | Registered: Feb 2013
Sal1995
♂ Member
Member # 39099
Default  Posted: 5:08 PM, May 23rd (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It is possible! They do get around.


Me-45
WW-42
DDay 2/17/13, 10 month PA/EA
Final NC late Feb. '13
M - 18 years, together 19+
4 children

Reconciled


Posts: 1035 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Texas
Whatevs
♂ New Member
Member # 38850
Default  Posted: 8:06 PM, May 23rd (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

[Shit bro, my WW removed her shirt the other day and I'm like that's what she did for him.
Last night we watched a movie on the bed. Her body language said she wanted to fuck. Turned toward me. Legs tantalizingly apart. I was like, did she lie next to him like that. /quote]

Having the exact same experience, albeit we were watching The Descendants last night and she didnt even wince at the betrayed husband plot, reaching her leg over to stroke and tempt me. Same as you, I keep thinking " that's nothing special, you'll do that for some random schmo".
In addition to losing its specialness, it's become (3 months out) a major trigger--every hug, every kiss, the one time we had sex since...
It's early, but I can't imagine what it will take for me to get past that shit. I'm not going to forget, do I guess the best bet is that I'll stop caring, which means putting her in a new classification: just another piece of ass.


Posts: 12 | Registered: Mar 2013
Betrayed444
♂ Member
Member # 38389
Default  Posted: 8:15 PM, May 23rd (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Seriously whatev
Sometimes I just treat her like a dirty towel I jack off into.
It really does suck sometimes
In the meantime I hit the gym every single day for a few hours and get jacked.
I'm at the movies now getting ready to watch hangover 3 with her. She just wants to get off. Fuck it. Let her chase me for awhile. I'm getting off not putting out.

Posts: 494 | Registered: Feb 2013
Sal1995
♂ Member
Member # 39099
Default  Posted: 10:00 PM, May 23rd (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm at the movies now getting ready to watch hangover 3 with her.

How was it B44? I'm thinking about taking my lovely wayward to see it this weekend, assuming that this isn't one of those weekends where I can't stand the sight of her. It's about a 50/50 chance.


Me-45
WW-42
DDay 2/17/13, 10 month PA/EA
Final NC late Feb. '13
M - 18 years, together 19+
4 children

Reconciled


Posts: 1035 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Texas
hardlessons
♂ Member
Member # 35025
Default  Posted: 10:21 PM, May 23rd (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I want my M. I know that. I have trouble letting go of the punishment or the feel that I need to reinforce what she is feeling with my own angst.

Hey ND, isn't this been an issue for a while? I don't think there is any magic for getting over that issue, I think it comes down to letting go of some of this shit. Not replaying the scene in Invasion of the Body Snatchers where you just want to point and scream... I think with true forgiveness the desire to punish goes away. It doesn't mean all is perfect or there is no monitoring. It just means we have come to a place of acceptance that this happened to me. I can choose to choke the shit out of the fucking fact for as long as I want or after a time I can let go and hold my wife's hand and move forward.

I realize that I am a lucky one IRL and on SI having a wife who has worked her ass off, so I understand that not all of us are in that boat, but ultimately these are choices we make for ourselves, not our wives, not our marriage, but for us.

ND that is a conscious choice you have to make or not make at some point. TG has a great line that she uses with family and friends when talking about choices. "What hill do you want to die on". Good luck.


Me WH
Wife Tired Girl
3 adult sons
"a wayward...annnnd just a tad betrayed."

Posts: 838 | Registered: Mar 2012 | From: Arizona
Betrayed444
♂ Member
Member # 38389
Default  Posted: 7:09 AM, May 24th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

How was it B44? I'm thinking about taking my lovely wayward to see it this weekend, assuming that this isn't one of those weekends where I can't stand the sight of her. It's about a 50/50 chance.

Good movie!

Posts: 494 | Registered: Feb 2013
numb&dumb
♂ Member
Member # 28542
Default  Posted: 8:43 AM, May 24th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

HL- I know it is a choice. I think I get part of the way there by realizing I want my M.

If forgiveness was that easy I would have done it by now. The anger, resentment and lack of trust therefore protecting myself trump forgiveness every time.

This isn't an everyday kind of thing for me, but it still hangs around enough that it shows.

Forgiveness just doesn't feel right. It feels forced right now and based on what I have read, it should seem a little easier. If it is forced, it isn't true and ends up being false forgiveness or something.

Giving up the right to remind my W of her past choices and the effects on me and my family are not something I am comfortable with right now.

WAL talked about grace a pages back. It was a really good take on the "cost" of being offered grace that gave me some things to think about I guess. I realize in hindsight maybe the punishment has not ended on my part. I thought it had. It is just a lot more subtle now.

I know at some point I have to get there, but I know you know too it can be hard to see the path to get there.

[This message edited by numb&dumb at 8:44 AM, May 24th (Friday)]


Me-35 her-35

DS 1, DD 6
Dday 8/31/11. ONS that occurred 3 years earlier. Lied to for 3 years.

Every truth comes to light in a long enough timeline.


Posts: 2457 | Registered: May 2010
Razor
♂ Member
Member # 16345
Default  Posted: 9:06 AM, May 24th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I dont believe in blanket forgiveness. Forgiveness IF it comes must be earned.

For me. Some acts are not forgivable. Screwing my WW would be on that list. So would deliberately harming one of my children.

Also some people are not forgivable. Those without empathy. Those that see what they did as justified. Those that feel entitled to what they did. Those that have no remorse over what they did.

Granting some amnesty like blanket forgiveness to these acts and people is just stupid I think.

There is nothing wrong in NOT forgiving. Not forgiving the unforgivable keeps you from being a door mat.


Forgive and forget = Relive and regret.


Posts: 3086 | Registered: Sep 2007
RyeBread
♂ Member
Member # 37437
Default  Posted: 9:31 AM, May 24th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I tend to believe that forgiveness is more for the victim than the perpetrator. At some point we have to let the weight of the offense go so that we can move on and be happy again. Sometimes that means no longer having a relationship with the offender so that you can ultimately forgive that person. Thats how it is for me. I know myself well enough to know that I won't move past the WW's affair still being married to her. She isn't showing me that she is trustworthy or remorseful, things I need to see to want to forgive. So to me that means I have to D to get out of the situation so that I can forgive so that I can move on and have healthy relationships.


Let him that would move the world first move himself. - Socrates

Posts: 957 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: Midwest
hardlessons
♂ Member
Member # 35025
Default  Posted: 9:39 AM, May 24th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Who said anything about blanket forgiveness? Or amnesty? I don't think we "pardon" our WW or would if we could. Pardon or amnesty implies removing all record of what was done.. We come to accept or reject a lot of different aspects of what the A did to us. We all have different tolerances and levels of what we will accept. And you Razor don't get to sit over judgment of me and my R.

Stupidity has no place in this topic for someone in R. If your not in R or maybe your just that guy that makes himself feel better by saying I am Man Hear Me Roar. Stupidity implies a rash decision or reaction to something. Numb&Dumb is not doing that, he is asking "if I want to take this next step in R, how would I do that". That is pretty damn thoughtful and coherent. Nor have I made a rash decision to R, it has been years in the making.

This is exactly why I made the suggestion to have a BM thread where the whole intent was R. Some guys just don't want to have to yell I am ok and in R over the dine of whore of never forgive etc.

Maybe I am just layin smack down for other reasons but there it is.


Me WH
Wife Tired Girl
3 adult sons
"a wayward...annnnd just a tad betrayed."

Posts: 838 | Registered: Mar 2012 | From: Arizona
Topic Posts: 1000
Pages: 1 · 2 · 3 · 4 · 5 · 6 · 7 · 8 · 9 · 10 · 11 · 12 · 13 · 14 · 15 · 16 · 17 · 18 · 19 · 20 · 21 · 22 · 23 · 24 · 25 · 26 · 27 · 28 · 29 · 30 · 31 · 32 · 33 · 34 · 35 · 36 · 37 · 38 · 39 · 40 · 41 · 42 · 43 · 44 · 45 · 46 · 47 · 48 · 49 · 50

Return to Forum: I Can Relate This Topic is Full
adultry
Go to :
madness  
© 2002 - 2014 SurvivingInfidelity.com. All Rights Reserved.