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I Can Relate     Print Topic    
User Topic: Betrayed Men - Part 10
h0peless
♂ Member
Member # 36697
Default  Posted: 10:14 AM, May 29th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

So did anybody else start taking stupid, crazy risks in the aftermath of all of this shit? Before she left, I was an extremely cautious person, probably to the detriment of having a lot of the fun I could have been having in life. I've noticed that over the past two months or so, I'm doing a lot of really stupid things (mainly on my Jeep and my Motorcycle, some stuff while hiking that's a bit questionable too) just go get some small, temporary thrill. I'm not sure how I feel about it. On the one hand, I'm really glad to be actually living and really enjoying the moment. On the other hand, I'm probably going to wind up dead if I don't find a happy medium.

So did any of you go through a phase like this? Was it a phase or was it something that you had to work through? Was it a result of your just not caring what happened to you or an expression of your newfound freedom?


Posts: 1323 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: Arizona
Sal1995
♂ Member
Member # 39099
Default  Posted: 10:48 AM, May 29th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I guess "I thought our marriage was dead" is code for I want to perform CPR on another guys cock so I'll invent reasons to justify it to myself, besides, I'll never get caught.

Ding! Ding! Ding! We have a winner!

Bingo, spot on, bullseye.

My needs are not getting met, so I'm going to comfort myself with a cock or two over the next year or so and see if that fixes things. Then, we can "work on the marriage."


Me-45
WW-42
DDay 2/17/13, 10 month PA/EA
Final NC late Feb. '13
M - 18 years, together 19+
4 children

Reconciled


Posts: 1035 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Texas
wonderingbull
♂ Member
Member # 14833
Default  Posted: 10:49 AM, May 29th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

hopeless...

I did some crazier shit than I did while with the ex... My mind set was WTF since I didn't have anyone depending on me emotionally or physically anymore...

I've always been a bit of a dare devil though... Sky diving, bungie jumping, extreme scuba diving... Never been a motor cycle guy or a rock climber...

Since I'm a geologist I associate rock climbing with work...

I paired it back some because if I got seriously injured I was shit out of luck having someone to help me recover...

I think what you're doing is normal in some circles...

WB


The secret of life is enjoying the passage of time...

James Taylor


Posts: 5893 | Registered: Jun 2007 | From: A better place
Sal1995
♂ Member
Member # 39099
Default  Posted: 11:04 AM, May 29th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Later, this may seem strange coming from me considering my recent rants, but one month after discovery seems like a short time period to be making a big decision like divorce. Regardless, glad you found us brother.


Me-45
WW-42
DDay 2/17/13, 10 month PA/EA
Final NC late Feb. '13
M - 18 years, together 19+
4 children

Reconciled


Posts: 1035 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Texas
DefiledRage
♂ Member
Member # 39292
Default  Posted: 11:08 AM, May 29th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My mind set was WTF

Funny how this changes, I have kids and I still find myself thinking this to myself sometimes. For me at least I think its a product of for years dedicating and sacrificing everything that was me for what I thought was the good of my marriage and family. Then you realize your WS never had that dedication to you. Now that's a fucking reality check.
So Hopeless, I think its normal. Keep in mind though the difference between a good healthy "When in doubt...balls out" and stupidity. Stupidity will get you killed. And if you get yourself killed, well then she wins right? Cause your not around as a constant reminder of what a terrible person she is. Have fun, but don't give her the easy way out.


Me:35 WW:34 M:13yrs
3 young children
Dday 1 EA 7/8/2010
Dday 2 PA 3/1/2013 same OMM for 4yrs

Mister rabbit says, "A moment of realization is worth a thousand prayers."


Posts: 427 | Registered: May 2013 | From: Two blocks from south shit and west hell
DefiledRage
♂ Member
Member # 39292
Default  Posted: 11:16 AM, May 29th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Later: she confess or did you have to confront her? Step one.. I'm with StillGoing on this
if NC isn't possible then neither is R.
Without the NC nothing will change and nothing will move forward. For me I refused to look at or discuss any possibilities until this happened.
If your actually willing to look at R in the future why D though. Seems like a simple separation would be less expensive.


Me:35 WW:34 M:13yrs
3 young children
Dday 1 EA 7/8/2010
Dday 2 PA 3/1/2013 same OMM for 4yrs

Mister rabbit says, "A moment of realization is worth a thousand prayers."


Posts: 427 | Registered: May 2013 | From: Two blocks from south shit and west hell
Later
♂ Member
Member # 39375
Default  Posted: 11:43 AM, May 29th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I confronted her. She lied until she realized she could not talk her way out of it.

Maybe a month is a short time, IDK. I was kinda surprised I waited that long.

I know D and R is a strange combination and it may very well be a recipie for failure. However, I tend to think that it's the only way I can R.

Knowing that I no longer need the state's blessing to end the relationship if she starts treating me like shit may be the best thing for both of us. And, to the extent her excuse of believing that I no longer want to be around will not be valid. If I am with her, it's because I want to be - not because there is legal process in the way.

[This message edited by Later at 11:44 AM, May 29th (Wednesday)]


Posts: 384 | Registered: May 2013
Betrayed444
♂ Member
Member # 38389
Default  Posted: 12:36 PM, May 29th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Ok. TMI
Just thought id share a text I just got from WW
When you get home I have to run to CVS for some midol. I don't want to do crappy on shoulder day :) XOXOXO
Remember that show we were watching and the guy said just because the log ride is closed doesn't mean they shut the park down! Ha ha

Ok. It was a nice text. She's on her period.
Rewind to Nov 10 2012
She fucked OM on her period
She jumped me the next night. I told OM during our confrontation that my bed looked like a goddamn crime scene.
Anyway had to bite my tongue at so many different possible responses because I know she doesn't shut down the park for ecological disasters.
The only reply I could give was
"Haha"
*smh*
Pure WW gold
Anyone want to contribute possible responses for fun. It's a ground ball really.

[This message edited by Betrayed444 at 12:38 PM, May 29th (Wednesday)]


Posts: 494 | Registered: Feb 2013
hardlessons
♂ Member
Member # 35025
Default  Posted: 12:49 PM, May 29th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

444, I played for the Bad News Bears so I am gonna let that grounder roll right on by.

So, you want others to ridicule your wife? 3 months out I understand the anger, been there done that. What you are asking though is just wrong whether it is day 1 or 365.

Do you hear what your asking?


Me WH
Wife Tired Girl
3 adult sons
"a wayward...annnnd just a tad betrayed."

Posts: 838 | Registered: Mar 2012 | From: Arizona
Betrayed444
♂ Member
Member # 38389
Default  Posted: 1:16 PM, May 29th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

So what?
I asked for comebacks. I find it comical. Better to find things amusing at this point than someone else enjoying the log ride. Ease up and see it for what it is.

Posts: 494 | Registered: Feb 2013
Sal1995
♂ Member
Member # 39099
Default  Posted: 2:04 PM, May 29th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

B444, Here's what I would say to my wife right now, but only because I'm a raging nutcase and in intense pain at the moment and haven't said anything nice to her in two days: "Yeah,that park stays wide open 24/7."

Here's what I, even in my current state, would advise YOU to say to your wife right now: "Ha ha." And leave it at that.

You have a WW who wants to reconcile and is willing to have sex with you even when she's on her period. She's fucked up in many ways, maybe, but at least she's trying.

I can look at your case objectively, but not my own. Thankfully my wife knows not to lob any softballs my way now. I won't beat her physically because it's illegal and I don't hit woman, so I beat her verbally when I get like this. And then I resent her for making me like this.

Our MC just called me and suggested a trial separation, with me moving out of the house. Because I'm "stuck" and having a hard time moving past the "horrendous acts" my wife committed (at least the MC sees them for what they were - horrendous).

I'm afraid that moving out, and having to deal with explaining why to the kids, will make it easy just to stay gone. I want to reconcile, just don't know how. Any thoughts?


Me-45
WW-42
DDay 2/17/13, 10 month PA/EA
Final NC late Feb. '13
M - 18 years, together 19+
4 children

Reconciled


Posts: 1035 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Texas
Tred
♂ Member
Member # 34086
Default  Posted: 2:09 PM, May 29th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Any thoughts?

Yeah, don't move out without consulting a lawyer. It can be detrimental in the future.


Married: 16 years (14 @JFO)
D-Day: 11/09/11
"Ohhhhh...shut up Tred!" - NOT the official SI motto (DS)

Posts: 3305 | Registered: Dec 2011
64fleet
♂ Member
Member # 18710
Default  Posted: 2:10 PM, May 29th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I don't know how either, sal. We have stayed together, "reconciled" according to this state's law is simply staying together after discovery of an affair.

Sometimes I think that is all there is to it.


time wounds all heels

Posts: 5359 | Registered: Mar 2008 | From: deliverance land
Betrayed444
♂ Member
Member # 38389
Default  Posted: 2:18 PM, May 29th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sal
Your right. I could only respond with haha because she is trying. What else can she do?
I see progress here
Her having sex on her period is what many gentlemen here would refer to as a "trigger".
Her reminding me of that is fabulous
As most of us know, WW's don't really have the best memories.
Like a cop
They write many tickets and keep copious notes because they don't remember every traffic stop they conduct but the motorist does. Every thing about that incident. Just like our betrayed gang.
I deserve an atta boy for sucking it up and using my comrades here as an outlet. Sure I'm piling on but I'm doing it here. Out of harms way.
Sal
DO NOT MOVE OUT
Seriously....get a new MC. He is compromised.
If anyone needs to move out it is her.
Don't be a dick about it, if that's possible, present it matter of factly.
Last thing you need is her forming alliances against you. I did that and look at my WW, opening the park.
It is a back and forth process. It is war. It is a power struggle. You are literally fighting for land. Do not retreat or abandon your post brother. You are in control. Never cede your power. You have absolutely every right to be upset. Every right to make demands. She threw you under the bus, threw it all away. What's the worst thing that can happen, she'll leave? She already did. She's gotta fight to come back! She's gotta earn your love,trust, and respect. Your at a crossroads. Play the game, be true to yourself, keep your dignity. Let her know your willing to let her go. Leave the home. Not you. Ever.
Stay strong.

Posts: 494 | Registered: Feb 2013
Sal1995
♂ Member
Member # 39099
Default  Posted: 2:26 PM, May 29th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm not moving out.

What I was looking for is advice on getting out of the "what she did during the A" rut.

It's been a little over 100 days, and my wife is trying to do and say all of the right things. Some days I'm ok, but others (like the last two) I'm a triggering, raging lunatic towards her. Just sharp words, no violence or thrown objects. Reminding her of her faithless acts of betrayal, he r lies, and overall stupidity.

I'm stuck, and the wife's showing signs of exhaustion. Would love to R and move forward and maintain our two-parent home, but right now I still can't get over what she did.


Me-45
WW-42
DDay 2/17/13, 10 month PA/EA
Final NC late Feb. '13
M - 18 years, together 19+
4 children

Reconciled


Posts: 1035 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Texas
hardlessons
♂ Member
Member # 35025
Default  Posted: 3:17 PM, May 29th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sal, I couldnít do that either at 100 days and I donít think we have to get over it to go on with R.

If your questions are answered
If she is meeting your requirements for R (make sure those are clearly defined) IC, Books, SI etc.

Then sit back and watch. For about a year after D-day I said occasionally ďI donít know if I can do thisĒ and I didnít I would get so twisted up. Sit back, deal with your healing, demand that she fix her shit and wait. Watch, heal and allow yourself some time. When I force myself to make a decision or try to force gaining something back that was taken from me due to FWW actions I hurt myself and others the most.


Me WH
Wife Tired Girl
3 adult sons
"a wayward...annnnd just a tad betrayed."

Posts: 838 | Registered: Mar 2012 | From: Arizona
Betrayed444
♂ Member
Member # 38389
Default  Posted: 3:17 PM, May 29th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You can only get out of the rut when those thoughts impact you less and less. It takes time. Everyone is different. No one can blame you and you don't want to let go prematurely.
Your WW wanted to do what she did and has blamed you on top of it. She knew there were consequences. She took her chances and gambled her family. So now your angry. Absolutely justified. And in the meantime you chose to keep her. Most people don't.
You could have thrown her out the door, filed for divorce, conducted a scorched earth policy and burned everyone.
You didn't.
In return she needs to console and comfort you. Aid you with whatever you need and bear the brunt of your emotional anguish.
She emotionally abused you in the worst way. Trashed your wedding vows and fractured your covenant.
Your not the bad guy. If it doesn't work out you tried.
Ask yourself what you would do if the roles were reversed. Wouldn't you expect her to go absolutely ape shit. A woman would bring this shit up until the day that you died if they even suspected you had an inappropriate relationship or stared at some girls tits. They would nag, hound, and berate you if they stayed in the marriage.
Let it flow brother. Your not being abusive at all. Your showing what women say they want all along. They want you to express yourself.
Get it out

[This message edited by Betrayed444 at 3:19 PM, May 29th (Wednesday)]


Posts: 494 | Registered: Feb 2013
atsenaotie
♂ Member
Member # 27650
Default  Posted: 3:19 PM, May 29th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hey Sal,

What I was looking for is advice on getting out of the "what she did during the A" rut.

What it took for me was a period of time where I became comfortable that I knew enough (no more TT), that I really accepted that her As were not about me, at all. I had processed through my stuff.

Later, sustained work by FWW working on herself to the point I could see the difference in how she behaved. Not just with me, but with family and co-workers too.

You are just a few months past dday and a few weeks past the end (?) of TT.

At 6 months out I was raging at FWW, in retrospect because of all the TT and things not adding up. Once she gave me most of the details at 6-7 months out I did better.

Many of my hard verbal comments to FWW were an attempt to see if she would stay in the fight for the M, or back down. It was a poor way of trying to determine how committed she was.

FWW, working with her IC, got to a point where many of my comments she could accept for what they were, my anger at what she had done. She understood, and expressed to me, that I had not been this way to her before, and that her actions had unleashed this. We did develop "rules" with MC for her or I to call time out to a fight with the requirement we pick it back up unless one told the other he or she needed additional time. Things were not allowed to be rug swept, dropped, or put off indefinitely.

Ultimately, the biggest part was coming to understand that what she did during her As is who she was, that it was not about me, that she wanted to be M to me, and that she was working to fix her problems.

Also during this time I disconnected some from FWW and M. I spent time working on things I liked, getting back to old hobbies. I did a lot of 180-Lite the first couple of years.


LTA BS 53
FWW 60
M 1990, dday 10-5-09
Reconciled

Posts: 3967 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: FL
64fleet
♂ Member
Member # 18710
Default  Posted: 4:06 PM, May 29th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Also during this time I disconnected some from FWW and M. I spent time working on things I liked, getting back to old hobbies.

IMO, this is key. I'm so disconnected that some folks have actually asked me if I was still M'd.


time wounds all heels

Posts: 5359 | Registered: Mar 2008 | From: deliverance land
Sal1995
♂ Member
Member # 39099
Default  Posted: 4:06 PM, May 29th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks for the feedback guys.

Also during this time I disconnected some from FWW and M.

I see this term - disconnect - a lot. What does that mean in a practical sense when you're living in the same house? Play golf, be aloof, spend more quality time reading on the throne? Not trying to be a smart ass, just trying to understand the concept and how it applies in a non-180 sense when the wife really is trying to R or is out of the affair fog.

[This message edited by Sal1995 at 4:52 PM, May 29th (Wednesday)]


Me-45
WW-42
DDay 2/17/13, 10 month PA/EA
Final NC late Feb. '13
M - 18 years, together 19+
4 children

Reconciled


Posts: 1035 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Texas
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