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I Can Relate     Print Topic    
User Topic: Betrayed Men - Part 10
Betrayed444
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Member # 38389
Default  Posted: 10:46 AM, June 5th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

That's been my savior this past year. Throwing weights around feels soooo goooood!! And it helps to up the 180 to another level if you know what I mean

Dude
The gym is like my church. My confessional. I take all my stress and turn it into muscle. Utilize it for strength and in a way my WW has transformed me into a much better guy. I've always been committed to the gym. The people I meet are positive and strong and come from all walks of life. We're all equals here. I discovered the gym in the military and was hooked since.
I'm not trying to brag or sound conceited, arrogant, or cocky but if you are betrayed and you want to change I would recommend first thing, get into the gym. Who cares what your physique may be or how much you can or can't lift. Fat, out of shape, skinny, who the fuck cares. In the gym we respect that. We all started somewhere. All it takes is walking in the door to start your journey. Make your goal each day to show up. Do light weight, cardio. Make it fun. Seriously, you'll look better, you'll feel better, you'll stand up straighter and you'll increase your standing from let's say a 6 to an 8.
You can change yourself and you'll meet a lot of cool people, male and female!

[This message edited by Betrayed444 at 10:49 AM, June 5th (Wednesday)]


Posts: 494 | Registered: Feb 2013
Betrayed444
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Member # 38389
Default  Posted: 10:48 AM, June 5th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yeah, that's gotta suck. How many times has it played out that way though? My WW thought her AP was different. He wouldn't lie to her, she trusted him completely. As if the only one Ensign Rivera would lie to is his wife? I'll never forget the look on my wife's face when she found out that she was just one of his multiple affair partners, and that she really never meant anything to him. I'll stop there as I feel a rant coming on...I haven't used the term "throat yogurt" in context on this forum yet.

Haha Throat yogurt!
Statistically speaking affairs never work out.
At first I was going to buy the guy a drink, grab myself a hottie, sit back and watch it all fall apart.
Too easy
I'm a glutton for punishment

Posts: 494 | Registered: Feb 2013
Later
♂ Member
Member # 39375
Default  Posted: 11:36 AM, June 5th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

All too familiar storyline. My STBX learned that the POS was hitting on several women in the workplace.

As said above, WTF did you expect? He ges home to another woman and you knew before this he had an affair (turned sexual harassment) at his last workplace.

And yet, you believed his BS.

Pretty pathetic.


Posts: 384 | Registered: May 2013
Betrayed444
♂ Member
Member # 38389
Default  Posted: 11:45 AM, June 5th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Seriously
First off anyone that would bang a married woman cannot be expected to be of high moral character.
Part of a WW's fog has to make them believe they are in control when in reality as soon as they crossed the line they have relented all control in their lives.
Then they come back to us and expect us to change and conform to the illusion they thought the OM was.
Big NO GO
I slammed his punk ass so bad I had her calling him a coward.
I won't change. I will listen, open my eyes and ears, and be a bit more vigilant to meeting some needs that need to be met. Maybe be a better friend or partner. We all can do that but conform. No way. Move out.

Posts: 494 | Registered: Feb 2013
DefiledRage
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Member # 39292
Default  Posted: 12:19 PM, June 5th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Seriously, my WW's AP had already been accused of two other separate "inappropriate" workplace relationships. But she was the only one...right. Yet she would have me believe he's a stand up guy. In one sentence she tells me what a great dad he is, when in an other tells me he's "never" home. So what is it? It's like her brain was stuck in an infinite Alderson loop on this guy. Too many zero's not enough one's, but she couldn't see that.


Me:35 WW:34 M:13yrs
3 young children
Dday 1 EA 7/8/2010
Dday 2 PA 3/1/2013 same OMM for 4yrs

Mister rabbit says, "A moment of realization is worth a thousand prayers."


Posts: 426 | Registered: May 2013 | From: Two blocks from south shit and west hell
Sal1995
♂ Member
Member # 39099
Default  Posted: 12:33 PM, June 5th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I haven't used the term "throat yogurt" in context on this forum yet.

It's about damned time, then.

The above quote is just one of many reasons why the BM thread is the place to be on SI.


Me-45
WW-42
DDay 2/17/13, 10 month PA/EA
Final NC late Feb. '13
M - 18 years, together 19+
4 children

Reconciled


Posts: 1028 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Texas
RyeBread
♂ Member
Member # 37437
Default  Posted: 12:44 PM, June 5th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

The gym is like my church. My confessional. I take all my stress and turn it into muscle.

Ditto, I've hit PR's like no other after Dday. STBXWW started commenting that I was only lifting because I wanted to look good for other women.

No sweetheart, women are my last priority right now and I'd rather take out my anger out on inanimate metal objects to help curb the temptation to rip your head off.

i'm really a laid back guy...really.

[This message edited by RyeBread at 12:45 PM, June 5th (Wednesday)]


Let him that would move the world first move himself. - Socrates

Posts: 957 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: Midwest
Later
♂ Member
Member # 39375
Default  Posted: 12:58 PM, June 5th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Well, my STBX is pretty pissed at the OM -- at least at the moment.

She has told me that she suspects that, within the last year, he has hit on/harrassed 4 other women in the workplace. She thinks he may have closed the deal with 2 other. However, she also chracterizes 3 as "hunches." As for the 4th, she says she can't tell because that woman thinks all men are hitting on her.

I predicted the future for her. After the dust settles she will excuse away the suspected conduct. She will get lonely, say WTF and go right back to sleazing around with him.

I think it will be much easier to say she was wrong about him than to continue to believe that she was a fool.

She has backtracked on her supposed remorse. Now that she realizes I can't just forget about it and R without work, she does not take any responsibility for her actions harming our kids (they do not know).

She admits she has no feelings of remorse toward his family.

It is obvious she has no true remorse whatsoever.

The mask of feigned guilt is off.


Posts: 384 | Registered: May 2013
Betrayed444
♂ Member
Member # 38389
Angry  Posted: 1:16 PM, June 5th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage


She has told me that she suspects that, within the last year, he has hit on/harrassed 4 other women in the workplace. She thinks he may have closed the deal with 2 other. However, she also chracterizes 3 as "hunches." As for the 4th, she says she can't tell because that woman thinks all men are hitting on her.

Bro it appears to me that her suspicions and investigative work appear to be of jealousy and she is a BS. Her priorities are all screwed up and she is still in the fog.

Ditto, I've hit PR's like no other after Dday. STBXWW started commenting that I was only lifting because I wanted to look good for other women.

Dude that is definitely a good residual benefit especially if it means she's on thin ice.

Posts: 494 | Registered: Feb 2013
RyeBread
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Member # 37437
Default  Posted: 1:25 PM, June 5th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Dude that is definitely a good residual benefit especially if it means she's on thin ice.

Oh the ice has long since cracked, broken and subsequently melted.


Let him that would move the world first move himself. - Socrates

Posts: 957 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: Midwest
Later
♂ Member
Member # 39375
Default  Posted: 1:27 PM, June 5th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

B444, I know man. I have known that from day one. I have told her that, and also pointed out how freaking crazy it is.

Posts: 384 | Registered: May 2013
Sal1995
♂ Member
Member # 39099
Default  Posted: 1:48 PM, June 5th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

First off anyone that would bang a married woman cannot be expected to be of high moral character.

What B444 said.

Make your goal each day to show up. Do light weight, cardio. Make it fun. Seriously, you'll look better, you'll feel better, you'll stand up straighter and you'll increase your standing from let's say a 6 to an 8.

Ditto. The gym has been a life saver, even before D Day. Since D Day I've accelerated things. Light weight, but hitting the treadmill harder than ever.


Me-45
WW-42
DDay 2/17/13, 10 month PA/EA
Final NC late Feb. '13
M - 18 years, together 19+
4 children

Reconciled


Posts: 1028 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Texas
Later
♂ Member
Member # 39375
Default  Posted: 2:02 PM, June 5th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I don't claim to be an expert, but cardio first thing in the morning really seems to have worked for me.

It's interesting to see the arguments about slow steady rate cardio vs HIIT for fat loss. Hell, I just do both. HIIT 2x per week, walking at a brisk pace most other days and lifting weights 3-4x per week. I have to force myself to take rest days.


Posts: 384 | Registered: May 2013
Tred
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Member # 34086
Default  Posted: 2:32 PM, June 5th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Quick clarification to an earlier throw away comment:

As if the only one Ensign Rivera would lie to is his wife?

There is no actual "Ensign Rivera". That was the fictitious name we would assign to the anonymous guy in the Star Trek episodes who never made it back. Defiled made me remember it with his comment:
Just how satisfing would it be to issue the OM a red uniform then send him on a landing party knowing there's a 73% chance he ain't making it back

I don't think there was ever an actual Ensign Rivera in the show, but I wouldn't know, as I never really saw the show (I know - big gasp). Just wasn't in to it. However, I did like making fun of it, and at least one point in my pop culture circle anyone who was referred to as "Ensign Rivera" was someone tagged as not worth it, an extra, along for the ride, insert your definition here, and the best thing about it was he usually died a messy death and then was forgotten. Therefore, in my post, instead of writing AP, I chose to write "Ensign Rivera". My apologies to any actual Ensign's named Rivera out there . So from now on, I think I'll refer to the AP as Ensign Rivera

Sorry for any confusion mates!


Married: 16 years (14 @JFO)
D-Day: 11/09/11
"Ohhhhh...shut up Tred!" - NOT the official SI motto (DS)

Posts: 3303 | Registered: Dec 2011
MC_Jack
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Member # 35016
Default  Posted: 2:33 PM, June 5th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

First of all, thanks to all who provided their opinions and advice over the journals. I have decided that as a first step, I will create some concrete objectives for reading them. I may also enlist the help of a 3rd party to act as a filter of sorts. Dunno.

Later, I feel for you and your sitch. I think my M is at some weird tipping point. My WW rationally knows what a sleaze the OM was and that the A was a fantasy, etc. But on some deep level a switch might have been turned on that has made her more comfortable living alone and having superficial relationships. That same switch might have made me dead to her. Again at some deep level. Her moral convictions (and rational thinking) keep her in the game. Just musing. Later, wish they would do the work. Why can't they put 1/10 of the emotional energy into the M and their H's that they can into maintaining and hiding an A?

Jack

now I am in a bad mood...


I am not a marriage counselor. I chose "MC Jack" in the spirit of a handle like "MC Hammer" or Young MC"...there is a lot of 'rapping' here, no? At the time I did not know what MC stood for on this site. Duh.

Posts: 792 | Registered: Mar 2012 | From: West Coast of Hopa-hopa-land
Ascendant
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Member # 38303
Default  Posted: 2:59 PM, June 5th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

So from now on, I think I'll refer to the AP as Ensign Rivera

Ensign Rivera (ER)- I am running with this, full-fledged. You know why? Because 'POSER' is so much more accurate than 'POSOM'.


Anyone who has a continuous smile on his face conceals a toughness that is almost frightening.

Posts: 1604 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Illinois
atsenaotie
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Member # 27650
Default  Posted: 3:18 PM, June 5th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

But on some deep level a switch might have been turned on that has made her more comfortable living alone and having superficial relationships.

MC_Jack, this is where FWW was till about a year post dday. She announced that she was no good at relationships and was going to be a dog hoarder. Her plan with last OM (and OM before that) was that after she left me she would have them to "date". Both (she says) were upset with her that she would not talk of future M.

About a year after dday she decided that she did want to stay with me and the M, and started doing the work to make that possible.

This is one of the things about R, at least in my M, FWW is certainly "better" than she was in her perceptions and coping mechanisms, but underneath it all is still the fucked up stuff. A little like My Fair Lady there is a veneer of healthier personality on top of all the FOO, SAb, personality disorders, and other crap.

Why can't they put 1/10 of the emotional energy into the M and their H's that they can into maintaining and hiding an A?

The ironic thing is FWW thought she did. After all, I was not that unhappy in the M. Sure the last couple of years, but for most of it I made/found my own fun. To FWWs thinking that was proof that she was being a good W. OTOH, she was miserable, and that was proof that I was being a bad H and did not love her.

This is why there was really no hope of R until after FWW had fixed many of her underlying issues.


LTA BS 53
FWW 60
M 1990, dday 10-5-09
Reconciled

Posts: 3967 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: FL
DefiledRage
♂ Member
Member # 39292
Default  Posted: 3:34 PM, June 5th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

"Ensign Rivera"

I didn't even put two and two together. ER instead of OM, I'm in. Seems a much better fit for the NO MA'AM thread or whatever we decided to call it.

To FWWs thinking that was proof that she was being a good W. OTOH, she was miserable, and that was proof that I was being a bad H and did not love her.

That's brutal man. Amazing at what lengths our WS's go to to try and rationalize things.


Me:35 WW:34 M:13yrs
3 young children
Dday 1 EA 7/8/2010
Dday 2 PA 3/1/2013 same OMM for 4yrs

Mister rabbit says, "A moment of realization is worth a thousand prayers."


Posts: 426 | Registered: May 2013 | From: Two blocks from south shit and west hell
noescape
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Member # 34888
Default  Posted: 5:09 PM, June 5th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

The mask of feigned guilt is off.

Better sooner rather than later bro.

The OMs image is sacrosanct, she won't even bother applying any ulterior motive to men who'd not think twice about what devastation they were causing to her H, her family and her children. No siree, they were just good friends and fine upstanding gentlemen.

But on some deep level a switch might have been turned on that has made her more comfortable living alone and having superficial relationships. That same switch might have made me dead to her. Again at some deep level. Her moral convictions (and rational thinking) keep her in the game.

The more I read about PA personalities, the more I'm convinced that there is no switch, that everything in the M and prior to the M was her regular play book, her brokenness was inherent from day 1 but I had no way of knowing. If you read about PA (I'll post a link later from my laptop), the more you may start recognising the push pull dynamic and how their charm offensive is all out at the inception of any relationship. Every relationship is superficial due to the acute compartmentalisation they are capable of. Retrospection is always on the surface, since digging deeper would be way too much work in a relationship that they really do not ascribe much value to (any relationship for that matter). What you perceive to be 'moral convictions' could be just their 'playing out' what is considered good social behaviour: the mask if you will, it's not something many of them are able to internalise (to be able to 'feel') because digging into themselves is impossible.

Why can't they put 1/10 of the emotional energy into the M and their H's that they can into maintaining and hiding an A?

EXACTLY what I've been thinking for years now, it's not even 1/10th it's like even 1/100th...? The answer is obvious if you look at their history. No relationship is worth that kind of effort, hence the incidence of moving on once the buzz is gone, the state of 'dry adultery' shouldn't be taken lightly. A WS can be not in an affair for years but hold on to their faulty thinking and justifications for years until the trifecta of opportunity, justification and loss of morality (boundaries) reach alignment. Which is why I believe that all the recovery concepts which preach building a great new marriage are fundamentally flawed in that their end result is rewarding wayward behaviour. No wonder the incidence of BM ending it is much higher than betrayed women (look it up, can't find the reference but its been researched). The reason is obviously because most affair recovery programs are focused on fixing the M without too much attention paid to inherent brokenness (of both WS and the BS), which is also why here on SI, you'll find the advise that MC is pretty pointless until the WS recognises and starts working to fix herself/himself. Fixing M issues alone only gives a surface veneer of things being OK while the bubbling mass of lava seethes underneath as atse pointed out.

After all, I was not that unhappy in the M. Sure the last couple of years, but for most of it I made/found my own fun. To FWWs thinking that was proof that she was being a good W. OTOH, she was miserable, and that was proof that I was being a bad H and did not love her

And that's the rub, you decided to be an adult about it and take the good with the bad, found your own happiness and did what you could to maintain a reasonable M/relationship-adjusted your expectations. I would also hazard a guess that you put more into the M than your WW ever did. Another statistic is about how the WS tends to be the person who put in the least amount of work into the M. Which is where the fucking injustice of all this infidelity bullshit hits the hardest. The WS doesn't "get needs met" and instead of: 1) working on themselves to be an adult about it and take responsibility for their own happiness and 2) working with the BS to try and resolve the thornier issues (not all issues can be resolved though and that's just how life is-lump it), so they decide to blow up everybody around them for shits and giggles, and the BS is supposed to work with them now to 'fix' the M somehow????

I'm not anti R, heck, I've been trying for 3 years now and I am in awe of some of the truly former WWs here on SI; examples of people who really do get it and do the major lifting required to heal themselves and then work to help their BS heal (and help a ton of people here to boot). Seems like they're in the minority though.

A WWS (what WAL said) moment there from a few parts back; the 'ideal M' these days is usually framed in relationship perspectives from a woman's point of view (at least in the prevailing culture) and hence, even the affair recovery perspective usually conforms to that ideal. There is not a lot out there (with the exception of this thread) which can fairly frame 'post A' relational therapy for men from a male viewpoint (which is why I believe that a lot of BM situations typically end up in D or limbo and not necessarily "we are wonderfully R and its all rainbows and unicorns").

Maybe that's just me

/end ramble
(WAL, wert, SG et al say all this stuff so much better than me)

[This message edited by noescape at 5:16 PM, June 5th (Wednesday)]


Posts: 739 | Registered: Feb 2012
Betrayed444
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Member # 38389
Default  Posted: 6:09 PM, June 5th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Here here!
Very good post. I enjoyed it. Thanks for taking the time to post it!
WW plead guilty today to misdemeanor dwi today. 11 other counts dropped. He'll if I wanted to post another 30 grand we probably could have wiped the floor with them. Her probation is a year. She still has her license. I don't care. She fucked up. You cheat you pay the price. That's karma
I took her out for sushi and a pedicure. It was a rough day for her.
But in terms of what she was facing this dope saved the friggin day again.she was looking at 1-3 state jail.
Of course the plea doesn't hurt me if R doesn't work out.
WW has to be on her best behavior. Not that I would care less one way or the other. She can do whatever she wants as long as she lets me in on it. She says she wants the M. I told her if at any point she decides she doesn't, he'll I might not, just let me know.
Anyway I call this fallout a result of superstorm sandy, because that is the week her discovered A started.

[This message edited by Betrayed444 at 6:12 PM, June 5th (Wednesday)]


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