So did anyone's WW say/admit that their OP was better in bed?
And how do you get over hearing her say that?
And how do you get over hearing her say that?
Yeah. It was retracted later but, not really something that ever goes away. I mostly stopped caring about it, most of the time I can accept it was just bullshit, but, you know, you hear those words and it doesn't matter how untrue they might be, they were still spoken. I think it's kind of like fucking some chick while your wife is pregnant. It doesn't matter what you try to do to make up for that vile shit, it's just always going to be there, that you did that.
I guess anymore I just figure, past the intimacy of being together and just down to the technical fuckage, if I'm not everything she wants in bed and she doesn't tell me about it, not my issue. I'm still enjoying myself.
So did anyone's WW say/admit that their OP was better in bed?
Mine did not. It was one of the first things I asked on the REAL DDay, basically, was, "Was the sex better?", and I didn't really delve into it much further than that, as far as quality goes. I asked more sexual specifics later.
The sex was probably new, exciting, and forbidden. I don't know that it couldn't be, you know? But you know what you have over the POSOM? You can talk about your sex life freely and proudly to anyone (within good taste, obviously) and not worry about being judged. You can (if you so choose) brag about your great sex life with your wife to others...and while you may be accused of oversharing a tad, I seriously doubt anyone would *really* look down on you. POSOM, as well as your WW *during the A*, could not really lay claim to that same fact. Now obviously there will always exist scumbaggy guys and gossip queen girl who want the salacious details of affair sex because they are vapid, uninteresting trolls with nothing cool or useful going on in their heads, beds, and hearts. However, I'd wager that among most social groups of guys/girls, the person super willing to brag about the great sex they're having with someone who is NOT their spouse is probably looked down upon by a good portion of that group. I mean, even a person who 'supports' the A, would probably be thinking to themselves, "Why the fuck are you so proud of this? What the hell is wrong with you? Are you seriously bragging?"
You were probably never worried about this bullshit before, right? No complaints before? Then fuck it. Fuck him. Fuck her. Feel sorry for her, because she 'wasted' all that time on you, when there were clearly 'superior' sex-givers roaming around out thurr...all the while, you've been having enjoyable sex.
I just noticed your registration date...you are much further out than I am, so again, take my advice with that in mind.
How do you get over the fact the OP may have been better in bed?
Had to jump in on this one as it has been bugging me lately.
So, the first time we had sex after DDay, W guided me through finding her G spot and making her have a vaginal orgasm and squirt. She said she thought we did it (???)
We'd found the spot before, but never worked it to climax. She said she had read about it on the Internet, but that just didnt sound right so I pressed and she admitted that her AP had done it to her. Now the reference to "the guy with the magic fingers" in an email to one of her friends makes sense.
It is apparently her new favorite thing to do. We've only had sex one other time since and couldn't pull it off. She's not shitty about it, but it sure doesn't do much for my self esteem and adds to the sickening feeling when imagining them in one of their hotel rendezvous.
So, not sure how to get over it, but can relate to it being an extra twist of the knife.
Hey Betrayed, not really a cheat song, but really likeing No Love from Eminem, the chorus "Bitch you get no love" just makes me feel warm and tingling inside right now. Been to hell and back I'll show you vouchers.
Mister rabbit says, "A moment of realization is worth a thousand prayers."
I still finding fucking his soulmate takes the egde off thinking about him.
lets see that POS make the magic paycheck and put the magic food on the table and put a magic roof over her head or put up with her bullshit when she's sick or farting or pulling a kid out of her vagina
Well, dancing is out, I injured a groin. It wasn't mine.
Funny she was the one out messing around and now everything I do is scrutinized like I'm out getting me some revenge bum. Don't project your morals on me women!
Betrayed, not really a cheat song, but really likeing No Love from Eminem, the chorus "Bitch you get no love" just makes me feel warm and tingling inside right now. Been to hell and back I'll show you vouchers.
That's some funny shit right there! All I can say is I hope the sex was worth it
It definitely wasn't. Think of their reps, their lost integrity, the Scarlett letter. All of her friends know, strangers, family. Nope.
I never cheated not only because of my loyalty but the cost to my honor, my kids opinion of me as their dad, my pension, home, paycheck, child support, alimony etc. no pussy is worth that cost. I don't care of it magically vibrates and hummed the tune to Gillian's island.
Think about it. They were pressed for time and took whatever easy scraps were available. Anyone who would lay down with them
It was all built on a lie and a quick bang between 2 unethical people. It wasn't magical.
[This message edited by Betrayed444 at 10:36 AM, May 19th (Sunday)]
91 days into this nightmare, and yesterday was the worst day since the hellish first week. I said some hateful things to my WW, and instead of just taking it, she fired right back. I packed my bags and checked into a nearby LaQuinta, where I'll be until at least tomorrow morning.
I have a WW who is remorseful, who prays for our marriage multiple times a day, confessed her sins to a priest, has actually started reading the Bible, apologized to me (many times) and also to our children, her family and others who found out about the affair, went NC, finally quit the TTs, etc. Basically all you could ask for, given the situation.
The problem is with me, I guess. It's not what she's doing now that's the problem, it's what she did for 10-11 months beginning last spring. She repeatedly had sex with another man. She repeatedly lied to me about her whereabouts. She risked pregnancy and STDs only one year after I gave in to her requests and had a vasectomy. She had unprotected sex with me after having unprotected sex with a lowlife, club-going, womanizing player.
I really want to be a forgiving person and I really want my kids to have an intact home, but the fact is my wife made a choice, then made about 100 follow-up choices over a long period of time that have resulted in extreme damage to our marriage. She knew she was likely destroying our marriage, but just didn't give a shit. Whatever the OM was giving her was more important (at the time at least) than her marriage, children and husband. More important than her reputation and integrity.
91 days in, and it feels like I'm trying to rebuild a city that was destroyed by a nuke and covered in deadly radiation. I'm beginning to wonder if too much damage has been done, if this is a deal-breaker no matter what she does.
I'd appreciate hearing from anyone who has felt this way around the 3 month mark, but now has some long-term perspective. People screw up, sometimes very, very badly. Doesn't always mean they're bad people. Is it right to feel this way about a remorseful WW who is trying like hell to repair the damage?
And I know I'm not objective. I responded to a recent thread started by Tred's wife describing how awful she feels to have put him through this. She struck me as a nice and sincerely remorseful person. Aubrie is a rock star on this site, respected by BS's and WS's alike. It's funny when you can look at people (or at least their expressed thoughts) through a lens other than that of your own pain. They just seem human to you. The person who actually inflicted the pain sometimes seems like a monster.
I appreciate any wisdom, perspective, 2x4s, whatever you have to offer.
[This message edited by Betrayed444 at 2:37 PM, May 19th (Sunday)]
i'm sorry you're going through this.
i had to stop being cruel to my WW because i didn't like being that way. But that doesn't mean i'm over it. now i pretty much ignore her. i can't help it.
i like the letter you wrote in General. why don't you write something like that to your wife? toned down of course. nobody can handle the truth about themselves.
She wants to be able to say she's sorry and have this all over so she can go back to being a respectable woman. she wants a do over. what she doesn't realize is your hurt will never go away. she needs to realize this.
maybe she should read some good books? books that explain that it takes 2 to 5 years to recover from this kind of betrayal.
She is making this all about herself and her feelings.
Actually Betrayed, she's trying hard. She's out of the fog and sincerely wants to R. But like I said, she nuked our marriage and now wants to rebuild on a radioactive wasteland. How do you do that?
one question. you've stopped the "dancing" and "girls night out" crap haven't you?
Yes mike, those fictional things have been stopped. And I think my wife lurks on here and checks out some of my posts, but am not sure how consistent she is about it. I gave her a heads up about an open letter I posted on this site, it's up to her if she wants to read it.
And I'm not sure how to tone down this horror show. Certainly nothing she did during those 11 months was "toned down." Give her credit - when she decided to betray me, she went all out. No half-measures. If you're going to ruin your marriage, why not have a hell of a good time and do everything you want to do with the OM, right? That way the marriage won't have died in vain.
TT ended (I think) 5-09-13
THAT would bother me. And add that to the whole bible thing and I come up with "SHAME". I could be wrong. Find some articles here on SI on shame/guilt vs. remorse.
In a nutshell; shame is centered around the self - still all about her not you. I've seen this in myself and also my WW; the cycle is similar: "fuck up and keep fucking up, feel guilt/shame, turn to religion, find the 'out' (whichever clause it is that absolves the abuser), never feel accountable to the one(s) you hurt (coz God forgave me and *I* forgave myself), bury all your shit under the religion 'persona' (so much so that you can fool even yourself); rather than find a healthy way to deal with it, be accountable, allow remorse to show rather than be overtaken by guilt and shame. The former will keep a WS a "dry adulterer" for a long time (years) and may even lead them back to adultery as many here can testify.
If she wanted/was sincere; you'd FEEL/SEE her remorse and sadness for you. You'd SEE her being truthful (no question marks there); you'd feel safe from "new hurts". I don't see that happening. Cut yourself some slack; its the abusers job to make amends, not yours to make excuses.
if you spend any time at all on this site you will see that people can't just "get over it" in 91 days. She needs to understand the magnitude of what she's done.
it's not something anyone can get over quickly. how can she even believe that is possible?
but... if you have been cruel to her, i hate to say it, but you've got to stop. you know you do. that doesn't mean you're going to be all happy. but you need to at least give her space to improve.
i know that doesn't sound fair. believe me, i know.
Actually Betrayed, she's trying hard. She's out of the fog
gently here. she is NOT out of the fog. If the TT "ended" just yesterday (eta 10 days ago); or so you suspect; i'd say you stop excusing her shitty behaviour and stop minimizing it.
if you had to leave your home, if she ain't here (getting hammered in the wayward forum) or somewhere where she is being held to a hell load of account for every instance/stray/deceitful thought of betrayal during and after her A, if she aint hauling herself over the coals - dont jump to "shes out of the fog".
[This message edited by noescape at 4:56 PM, May 19th (Sunday)]
I have been guilty of rug sweeping a lot from the WW and falling into being the dutiful husband trap just wanting to fix things without taking care of myself first. TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF. Decide how you will be happy in the marriage moving forward. I have been in a sort of limbo with my WW over this recently. It is a struggle for me to accept it may not be ok.
I am also definitely not wired for this shit, no way no how (not that I think anyone really is but me more so). Lately my wife have been discussing my suffering and on a few occasions she has told me..." Please remember I am surfing too, with the guilt of what I have done to us and our family." I flipped out, it just frosted my balls. I told her that was like her saying She put a bomb under my chair and she blew my legs and dick off, but she did not clear out fast enough and got a first degree burn on hr hand. I mean ok, good she recognizes that she has remorse but please don't relate if to me. Any way I digress. Hang in there keep working at it, I am, but it is PAINFUL.
Remember; shame and guilt=inward looking/self centered.
It took me explaining to my wife how her body language and word choices were condescending - I had to say "You are leaning back, folding your arms and rolling your eyes" or "You are leaning forward and I feel like you stopped listening to what I am saying so you can keep what I just said in mind and the response you have formulated to shoot back at me" and so forth. It wasn't meant as condescending or nasty, it was me telling her exactly how her reactions and behaviors in the conversation were steering my feelings and thus my own reactions.
Dunno what your watershed might be. Regardless of how it manifests, the result is this: your wife becomes more concerned with how you are feeling than with how you think of her, and that guides her actions. When you get angry, she maintains her boundaries but can do so with concern for why you are angry.
Basically, she shows herself safe enough for you to relax around.
Obviously, losing your shit and saying hateful things isn't conducive to rebuilding a relationship, but as my wife says - anger is a reactive emotion, and in this case those words of anger are in reaction to the behavior of the individual they are directed at. You could conceivably choose a more constructive outlet, and your actions are no more to be held responsible by her as hers are for you (if that was articulate enough), but within context, not all anger or its manifestations are unreasonable. Continually, yes, but getting pissed off that your wife fucked someone and lied to you about it is normal. Especially that close to dday.
Be calm, be in control, be honest, but do that because it's who you want to be. You can even be angry in all of that. The scary part is that even if you do all that, it doesn't guarantee your wife will ever get to that place where she is safe to trust again. She has to be that same person, who can let go of the outcome of an argument because she's concerned about how you are feeling, rather than how you see her.
Hope some of that made sense. I mostly remember 3 months out being some of the most brutal weeks post dday.