Cheating Hurt by Infidelity
Betrayal Wayward Donations lying
Welcome

Forums

Guidelines

Find a Local Counselor

The Healing Library

Media

Contact Us
lies
cover
In Association with Amazon.com
Support
Infidelity -
-
Find a Local Couselor
You are not logged in. Login here or register.
[Register]
Newest Member: saveme25 (43179)

I Can Relate     Print Topic    
User Topic: Betrayed Men - Part 10
Betrayed444
♂ Member
Member # 38389
Default  Posted: 8:41 PM, June 10th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

B444, you spin so much BM gold it's hard to keep track of it all, but I can't believe I let this one pass earlier today without comment. So here goes:

That would be confusing for us, but the WWs would feel right at home (rim shot).

Thank you, you've been a lovely crowd. Tip your waiters.


Well SAL
The rules are simple. They can play but we can't!

Posts: 494 | Registered: Feb 2013
Later
♂ Member
Member # 39375
Default  Posted: 9:00 PM, June 10th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am so confused, my WW, who craved emotional connection and conversation never seems to want to initiate a substantive conversation.

Posts: 384 | Registered: May 2013
thinkingclear
♂ Member
Member # 38884
Default  Posted: 9:10 PM, June 10th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I swear I really thought " my wife would never do that".

Funny. I remember thinking the exact same thing about 1 month into her EA. I remember reading an e-mail from the OM talking about much of nothing really but he laid out his intentions loud and clear. He said he was wondering why my wife was showing interest in his meaningless request (she is a Nurse Practitioner and he was asking for her advice on what supplements he should be taking - although she has no expertise in the subject, she had no trouble giving him advice). I digress. Mingled into the middle of the e-mail he said something to the effect of "I'm not sure if you're just doing your NP duty. I know that you are married (not that it matters)." I immediately knew his intentions. But what is SO insane is my first response was to chuckle. My thought was "Good luck with that my friend. You're barking up the wrong tree."

I was so stupid. I didn't confront her because I didn't want to come off as "jealous" and at the time I would have bet my life she would remain faithful no matter what. Good thing I didn't place that bet.


BS - Me
WW - Her
10 month EA/PA

Posts: 211 | Registered: Apr 2013
jjct
♂ Member
Member # 17484
Default  Posted: 9:15 PM, June 10th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Does anyone else fear that if they spoon feed the WW on what R should look like she will simply learn to fake it and manipulate better?

A very real concern. Would a remorseful WW even need to be spoon-fed?

When struggling with the difference btwn real remorse & fake, a friend told me I already knew what real remorse was because I had felt it myself!
That's why I harp on getting into you. Getting in touch with your gut.
Real remorse is actions that are consistent over time.

So, although she might learn to be a better faker and manipulator - I was going to be harder to fool.
That's actually one of the benefits of the A:
Her mask is off.
My eyes are finally open.

Most specifically, my eyes were opened to the fact that she could not be remorseful, and I avoided the misery of her company, vag be damned.
Vag is like that meat & vegetable/Paleo diet.
It'll get you lean & all, but you'll eventually starve.

(you can tell from that last pic I'm *really watching* the carbs )

I've pasted this to my profile. It's one of the best:

http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=324250&HL=25460

Hey ats! You ok?


Posts: 6005 | Registered: Dec 2007 | From: texas
Sal1995
♂ Member
Member # 39099
Default  Posted: 9:22 PM, June 10th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

The rules are simple. They can play but we can't!

Hence my tagline. I mean, I feel like I've been deprived of almost 11 months of strange, extramarital sex. How exciting that would have been! (pretending for a moment that I would ever have treated my marriage as garbage and gone for such an arrangement). My WW had enough fun for the two of us, I guess. Good for her, hope it was worth it. My feeling, almost 4 months in, is that it wasn't even close to worth it. Wish we could have talked it over first.


Me-45
WW-42
DDay 2/17/13, 10 month PA/EA
Final NC late Feb. '13
M - 18 years, together 19+
4 children

Reconciled


Posts: 1025 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Texas
jjct
♂ Member
Member # 17484
Default  Posted: 9:32 PM, June 10th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am so confused, my WW, who craved emotional connection and conversation never seems to want to initiate a substantive conversation.

Good one.
Mine would.
But about anything but infidelity & her A.

Might be a good place for a new 'rule', a new boundary.
Showing your pain to an unremorseful spouse is like giving a Barbie doll to a two year-old.
You'll just get it back with the legs and arms torn off. (from the quote thread)

Her attempts at 'anything but' conversations failed miserably. I wasn't buying that avoidance schtick.

She got nothing of me, my heart, my thinking - nothing of me to use and abuse. To eat. To devour. I stopped feeding her me.


Posts: 6005 | Registered: Dec 2007 | From: texas
Later
♂ Member
Member # 39375
Default  Posted: 9:52 PM, June 10th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Despite what anyone else has to say on the subject, she knows that what needs to happen is for us to move on and work on being a couple.

We need to make love.

We need to spend time together.

She is not too sure what a "trigger" is, but she would like to know how long she can expect them to last.

In the Internet articles that I pointed out to her (and she perused that one night) she did note that most couples live happily ever after following an A.

A lot of what she saw does not really apply to her, as she has no interest in OM at all.

She can't tell me what was said or when, but I can trust her when she says OM got the message that she is not interested a long time before dday.

Oh, those texts about meeting for lunch after when she let him know? There was you see, a gradual chilling and she is not that good with time.

[This message edited by Later at 9:54 PM, June 10th (Monday)]


Posts: 384 | Registered: May 2013
DefiledRage
♂ Member
Member # 39292
Default  Posted: 10:11 PM, June 10th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

romance novel

It's it ironic that that is exactly what they are all looking for though. I mean after all WS's are just those hopeless romantics out there always searching for that one true love. And that little spill from Sal is what in reality they have turned their lives into. Instead of the fairytale they've turned things into perverted Cinderella story.


Me:35 WW:34 M:13yrs
3 young children
Dday 1 EA 7/8/2010
Dday 2 PA 3/1/2013 same OMM for 4yrs

Mister rabbit says, "A moment of realization is worth a thousand prayers."


Posts: 424 | Registered: May 2013 | From: Two blocks from south shit and west hell
jjct
♂ Member
Member # 17484
Default  Posted: 10:28 PM, June 10th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Disney (is evil). Advertising works or they wouldn't do it.
Princess my ass.

In the Internet articles that I pointed out to her (and she perused that one night) she did note that most couples live happily ever after following an A.

Bullshit. Because everything we read on teh internet is tru.
Right?

No my brothers.
SI, in fact, right here! are the trenches...
fuck a bunch of avoidance crap
"They said so"
fuck that noise


Posts: 6005 | Registered: Dec 2007 | From: texas
stilllovingher
♂ Member
Member # 29959
Default  Posted: 10:41 PM, June 10th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

later,

that is pretty much where my FWW was at 20months out, when I found SI.

Your WW has a long way to go, but its not impossible.


ETA: pleas disregard the above, I thought you were another member.

[This message edited by stilllovingher at 10:46 PM, June 10th (Monday)]


The only difference between a butt kisser and a brown noser is depth perception.
I'm sure WAL would agree.

Posts: 2384 | Registered: Oct 2010 | From: still BFE, but now BFE, CA
Itsgoingtobeok
♂ Member
Member # 37664
Default  Posted: 11:33 PM, June 10th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Keep up the great posts .I was wondering if your WW pursued you when you said those famous words " I DO". Before we were married my WW was the one casing me ! She would give up the vag at a drop of a hat to get me . I'm just wondering if this is the same with all WW . Btw my WW wrote the playbook she know all the trick's and she played me like a fiddle .


BS-(52)
WS-49
married 28 yrs
Kid's -2
A- several
DD- 12-10-12
Starting recovery

"I don't understand the world today I don't understand what she needs I gave her everything she threw it all away" tom petty


Posts: 209 | Registered: Dec 2012 | From: Los Angeles
DefiledRage
♂ Member
Member # 39292
Default  Posted: 2:26 AM, June 11th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Disney (is evil).

Funny you should say this. I think this is part of the problem. My WS's family is obsessed with the whole disney princess stuff. They all think that life should be a cinderella story.
I shit you not her mother is in her early 60's and still wears minnie mouse tshirts. She goes to disneyland at least 4 times a year for a week at a time, at least two of those trips are by herself because she can't get her kids to go with her. She doesn't even live close, its around a 18 hour drive. She is forced to work as a janitor because husband 4.0 and (boyfriend 60.0) misrepresented their financial value. Yet somehow she manages to find a way to pay for this. Go to her house, you'd swear you walked into a disney museum. She's so dillusional she probably honestly thinks that peter pan is going to fly in her window one night and wisk her off to never never land. Consequently she has passed this idealized view of love and life to her kids. It's sad and pathetic, and one reason they all think life is greener on the other side.

As side note, it seems like there should be enough crazy mother-in-laws involved here that we should have a contest. Find out whos MIL is the most bat-shit crazy.
Mine is one of a kind for sure. I have more than enough stories to have you both laughing and disgusted at the same time for days at a time.

[This message edited by DefiledRage at 2:29 AM, June 11th (Tuesday)]


Me:35 WW:34 M:13yrs
3 young children
Dday 1 EA 7/8/2010
Dday 2 PA 3/1/2013 same OMM for 4yrs

Mister rabbit says, "A moment of realization is worth a thousand prayers."


Posts: 424 | Registered: May 2013 | From: Two blocks from south shit and west hell
thinkingclear
♂ Member
Member # 38884
Default  Posted: 5:39 AM, June 11th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I just don't get it. Here is a prime example of the mind games and controlling behavior that still confounds me.

A little background about this week: My WW and her DDs went on a trip back to where she grew up so that they could see it for themselves. She left Sunday afternoon and is coming back on Thursday. I have to say it has been nice having some peace and quiet, but even from 10 hours away the mind games continue.

Texts from last night:

Her

So, what are you up to?

Me

Just relaxing a little. Watching some tennis and eating my kabobs.

Her

Awesome combo for sure! Sit back and enjoy being a bachelor u may not want us back lol!

Me

Relaxing now, but spent most of the evening cleaning out and organizing the garage. It was a mess. It looks much better now.

Her

Great

Me

Time to turn in. Hope you get some sleep. I've got plenty of room her if you want.

Her

Well considering u never denied that u might not want us to come back I think I'll stay here with the crowded bed. Have a good sleep.

WTF. It just gets old trying to please and fill all of her psychological holes. It is a no win situation. Before her A, if I would have responded with "Of course I miss you" I would be clingy or needy or possibly the only reason I would miss her in her mind was because she wasn't there to have sex with me. No matter what my response is she can find a way to spin it to try to "get me back in line".


BS - Me
WW - Her
10 month EA/PA

Posts: 211 | Registered: Apr 2013
wert
♂ Member
Member # 34478
Default  Posted: 7:32 AM, June 11th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Disney (is evil)

I have a daughter. We don't do Disney. Space Mountain was cool but I can take them canoeing.

take care....



Posts: 1364 | Registered: Jan 2012
jjct
♂ Member
Member # 17484
Default  Posted: 7:33 AM, June 11th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sorry to be such a hard ass, but FTN!
If they are all so caught up with being a dumb ass, why should you suffer?
The second they start tap dancing on your wounded heart you should shut that shit down.

I said I'd be softer on the 'no remorse/now or never' deal, but that doesn't mean I'm happy seeing you being treated like a doormat.

If they're not remorseful, grab your balls, pull up your shorts, and keep the convos to kids and finances only.
180 - turn away from that toxic, soul-corroding crap.
Crickets bitch.


Posts: 6005 | Registered: Dec 2007 | From: texas
Later
♂ Member
Member # 39375
Default  Posted: 7:58 AM, June 11th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Awesome combo for sure! Sit back and enjoy being a bachelor u may not want us back lol!

Geez, for her to get pissed off for not responding to that text makes it look like a set up. To me, since it was phrased as a joke she strongly suggested that a serious response was not expected.


Posts: 384 | Registered: May 2013
thinkingclear
♂ Member
Member # 38884
Default  Posted: 8:14 AM, June 11th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Geez, for her to get pissed off for not responding to that text makes it look like a set up. To me, since it was phrased as a joke she strongly suggested that a serious response was not expected

Exactly! It was a setup. Always is. It is just seems to be one long power struggle or her requiring external validation. She has been "projecting" her insecurities and feelings onto me for a long time. Before she even left for the week, she was stating how much fun I would have without her, the parties, the "friends over" kinda crap. I didn't respond to it on purpose. I wasn't being mean, but damn the whole "I love you" and "I miss you" thing never won me her loyalty. All of the "you look fantastic tonight", "you're amazing" and all of the other compliments that I've offered nearly every day of our marriage haven't even started to fill her needs. Of course, when it comes from me it is because I'm supposed to do it, but when it came from OM it was genuine and authentic. Whatever!

I may not be doing the 180 perfectly, but I'm trying to pull up my shorts and she doesn't like it one bit.

[This message edited by thinkingclear at 8:29 AM, June 11th (Tuesday)]


BS - Me
WW - Her
10 month EA/PA

Posts: 211 | Registered: Apr 2013
nomoreplease
♂ Member
Member # 32755
Default  Posted: 8:26 AM, June 11th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Itsgoingtobeok –
I was wondering if your WW pursued you when you said those famous words "I DO". Before we were married my WW was the one casing me! She would give up the vag at a drop of a hat to get me. I'm just wondering if this is the same with all WW.

My STBXWW did this.

Before M, I could do no wrong. No matter what I did she swooned over me and couldn’t spend enough time with me. Any argument was her fault and she apologized immediately. After M, nothing I did was good enough and she was never wrong. The fact that I still wanted to spend alone time with her meant that I was needy.

Before M, we had sex all the time. When our pastor was doing pre-M counseling and told us he would only M us if we stopped having sex until the wedding, I had to fight her off with a stick. But as soon as we got back from the honeymoon, those legs snapped shut like a steal trap. It dropped to less than once per month and only when I would make a huge deal about it (actually about 1-2 days after I made a huge deal about it because she had to show me who was in charge and then get credit for initiating).


'one walks away saying "I fought to save God's ideal," and the other must always admit, "I fought to destroy God's ideal!"'

Posts: 343 | Registered: Jul 2011
Later
♂ Member
Member # 39375
Default  Posted: 8:32 AM, June 11th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I don't know, maybe it would be inconsistent with the 180, but I would be tempted to sit her down and say something along the lines of:

According to you, in the past you have let your mistaken beliefs about me lead to an extramarital A.

Over the last couple of weeks you have communicted with me in ways that seem destined, if not designed, to lead to misunderstandings.

If you genuinely want to know if I am planning parties while you are away --then ask. Don't joke about it and then get pissed when I don't respond to jokes with seriousness.

If you want to know if I miss you the either 1. ask, or 2. wait for me to say it. Don't joke and then get pissed when I don't take the joke seriously.

NOt sure if I would use these words, but the message is:

It's time to grow the fuck up and communicate like an adult. We can't afford another A that is the product of miscommunication.


Posts: 384 | Registered: May 2013
Betrayed444
♂ Member
Member # 38389
Default  Posted: 9:14 AM, June 11th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sorry to be such a hard ass, but FTN!

I'm with JJ
Fuck that psychological mind fuck shit and her insecurities.
Your absolutely right. All that pussy whipped bullshit didn't get you anything but an A in the past.
She's definitely feeling you out. She's insecure, pushing buttons, whatever. My conclusion is she is up to no good. She wants you to be miserable. I've noticed that whenever I give my DT (dirty towel :)) some line shell freakin run with it. She'll get this misconception that she gained some kind of power back and start making little demands or display some sort of selfish little attitude. As I said earlier, the reconciliation facade goes away and the true face emerges.
These sick little bitches get off on it. They want to have some control. God forbid you enjoy life.
They know deep in their little heads that you can do better. That your gold. And they don't deserve you. Your their meal ticket. Your daddy. They are an immature little 16 year old girl. Well that girl needs a time out.
When WW gets this way I yank on The reel. I quit returning texts. I'm pleasant. I don't move in for the kiss, I have her come after me. I'll go out, train hard. Tan. Go out to eat. Dress up a bit. Wear my cologne, btw curve is amazing. So many women want to know what it is. One girl asked so she. Could buy it for her husband. I said "careful, he'll get hit on a lot" next is Hugo Boss.
Anyway I'm not playing games in return. It's not a game. It's life. You can be gone tomorrow so think about yourself and how you lived. I am ready to Trade in my WW. She knows it. I tried to read her the definition of TT yesterday and she got defiant. Started to get nasty and did the blah blah blah thing. We were enroute to the gym
I went Drill sgt on her, calm and composed I said
" now you listen to me. I am reading to you this because I want you to know what it is
I am in a good mood
You are getting nasty
I won't tolerate your attitude and consider yourself lucky that I have the patience to explain this to you because the alternative is me being gone. Now if you want to continue ill drop you off at home and ill work out by myself"
Screw kissing her ass. It isn't going away. If it goes away she goes away.
I've got too much living to do and any woman right now is better than she is.
I'm really learning
Girls love men that are strong in their decisions and won't bend his rule or personality for them.
You can't accept them disrespecting you and you have to punish their bad behavior. Lots of guys end up eating all their shit and forgiving them, hoping they will get sex for it, but in reality the results are opposite. If you do things the way they want it you will get nothing. She will fuck around again. You will continue to be a doormat.
It's not about disrespecting them, it's about respecting yourself. You set rules and borders about what's acceptable in your life and if she disrespects them you simply bitch slap them( not physically) or kick them out of your life. Women start respecting things once they learn they are about to lose them. Dealing with her resistance is such a waste of time plus you are playing her game. So I'm learning a better way, to not even play their reindeer games... Simply kick them and their game out.
And I'll add
The only way they will respect you is if you show them teeth. Just like you would punish a dog when he does something bad( stay with me, she treated you worse)you have to punish them when they disrespect you. They will try to bend your rules and beliefs, which they did. Your core, your vows, your sanctity. Since you are the man, they are looking for a true man who does not bend their rules and beliefs. They are massively attracted to guys with strong personalities. This is where you dominate because I guarantee the OM was very weak. Flawed. Available. They want you to take control. Don't deal with their bullshit. Let them know if they cross the line again they are out. Lots of BS's are afraid they will lose the battle this way. This has nothing to do with them, it is about your self respect. You should respect yourself and you don't need a wife in your life that doesn't respect you or your time. It's not about being a jerk to them, it's about respecting yourself. When you show them you don't need them and you are willing to lose them, that your not willing to bend your reality to make them happy, they will become heavily attracted to you and they will do everything they can to come back.
I've learned a lot since dday. I've seen what is working and what is not. I've learned that being myself and taking care of myself has her chasing me. Being indifferent, laughing, whatever girl I'm not playing your game.
When you realize that you and not her kryptonian Vag, which incidentally got you in this jam, has the power then you will fly.

[This message edited by Betrayed444 at 10:36 AM, June 11th (Tuesday)]


Posts: 494 | Registered: Feb 2013
Topic Posts: 1000
Pages: 1 · 2 · 3 · 4 · 5 · 6 · 7 · 8 · 9 · 10 · 11 · 12 · 13 · 14 · 15 · 16 · 17 · 18 · 19 · 20 · 21 · 22 · 23 · 24 · 25 · 26 · 27 · 28 · 29 · 30 · 31 · 32 · 33 · 34 · 35 · 36 · 37 · 38 · 39 · 40 · 41 · 42 · 43 · 44 · 45 · 46 · 47 · 48 · 49 · 50

Return to Forum: I Can Relate This Topic is Full
adultry
Go to :
madness  
© 2002 - 2014 SurvivingInfidelity.com. All Rights Reserved.