B444 - do I truely believe that it started in January? I know at a minimum plans were being made for the first January overnighter in December. So, even if nothing physical happened then, I would still consider, at a minimum, December to be the starting point. My WW kinda went off the rails in November, so for me, I suspect that it started in November, and she'll only cop to Jan b/c that's all I can prove. Of course there's a chance it started before then, and if it did, my WW's a pro at hiding it.
According to her, she decided back in August that she wanted to be happy, decided that she wasn't happy. The precipitating event was a potentially cancerous cyst on her 1 remaining ovary. She is convinced that she'll die young.
Couple that with a history of CSA, plus serious FOO issues (father was abusive, mother left him, took all the kids, WW only saw him 1 time in her life that she remembers), Mom D 2x, Brother D 1X, Sister D 2x, WW was going through her 1st D when I met her. It's her families MO, when the going gets tough, you D. Don't know if anyone else has had an A in her immediate family.
I too sought counseling in the form of local CODA meetings back in January, thinking that there was something wrong with me. Read a crapload of books on codependency, how to save your marriage, etc. Kept doing research on the web, came across this and other websights that gave me tips on how to find stuff out, and boy did I ever.
I too had previously been the main child caretaker during the week, as she worked further away, so she'd just have to be home for the nanny to get there, whereas I made the dinners, did the baths, etc before she even got home. I pulled more than my fair share of the load in chores at home.
All that has stopped. Someone said there house is a mess, mine too. I'm done with doing all that crap anymore. I need to work on me, and take care of my kids. Coaching 1's baseball team, just signed up to coach baseball for the other 2. I'm a fucking superdad.
I've said it before, and so many of you guys have as well, it's scarey how much of a pattern they all exhibit. Will always be glad I'm not the only one.
BTW, if any of you make it to South Beach (was there over the weekend), I highly recommend Mango's. Fantastic eye candy.
How you respond is, and that's what we're working on in our little corner of the internet.
4...what was thename of that perfume? We could make "Bitch Come Running" with the doctors, scientists, and lawyers we got. We'd make a shit ton of money, and make DS & MH NEVER have to ask for donations on this site.
Can't unfck the donkey'd be another great name. Any chemists here? We need a good ester.
Something that doesn't oxidize readily.
'Pong' (it smells like salt encrusted boots)
(for her) Pong for him of course...
We'd make a million bucks.
Noescape: any studies/insights on the 2 obviously linked phenomenon of: 1. the low self esteem pandemic amongst women and 2. the emasculation of men - both of which are major contributors to the As we've all been visited with?
JJ, that's fucking priceless.
This thread has been livelier, and filled with more intelligence and humor than it ever has been in my 2+ years here.
Good on ya mates, and good to have you back Noescape.
"I don't understand the world today I don't understand what she needs I gave her everything she threw it all away" tom petty
Jj, priceless, lets have a competition to name that new perfume. I'd suggest Vagathon.
I did. It's made things harder, but I had to tell her family to end the A. I ended up telling mine as I was basically breaking down.
Tough call. I'd say I'd do it again, even though it has seriously damaged the chance for R.
You know, I have seen people say that because A's survive in secrecy you should blow it the F by telling everybody.
IMO, that's bad advice -- especially to someone who just discovered the A. If that is necessary to kill the A then I guess it does not matter.
However, I don't think that is at all necessary in most cases. It certainly does not favor R in my opinion.
Bad idea for me, my sisters and mom would hate her! That would force her back to her crazy ass family for support. Don't think I need them giving her any marriage advice.
Mister rabbit says, "A moment of realization is worth a thousand prayers."
My family was way cooler to her, at least on the surface, than hers to me. It was like I was the cheater. He mother tried to tell me to get over it, I told her to go fuck herself. We used to pay her to watch our kids after school, those checks stopped. I have made it clear I will not tolerate that BS.
Oh, and I made her go with me to meet with her brother and his wife to tell them how all the bullshit she had been telling them about me for 3 years was just that. That she had fabricated a version of me to justify her actions. To her credit, she did it. It was very unpleasant though.
A few of my buddies know. The night after DDAY I needed to feel loved by someone, so I called a few friends to meet me at a bar. To a man they dropped what they had going on and showed up. It was good to feel appreciated. Ultimately though I wish I hadn't told them. The shame kicked in later. Not sure why, but its there.
My take is to tell those people who you think can help you or the marriage, which really turns out to be very few people. I told a couple guys in my group because I wanted someone to kinda 'watch over me a little' and make sure I wasn't doing anything too out of the ordinary. I was all over the place at first and it helped me knowing that they knew why. My parents still don't know. Not sure they would ever forgive her. My IC thinks that is a 'red flag' but I know them well and I'm certain it would do more harm than good in the end.
I had a great night without any drama. Had some Shang Hai Scallops and Sea Bass, Wedge Salad, and couple Stella's (going to make fun of me for that too, aren't you). Picked up the cologne B444 recommended, Curve. I'm trying it out today to see if it makes me feel like a badass drill Sergeant. I may have to try and bark out some orders today. "Come to me" would be a good one, but it will have to wait until the wife returns tomorrow.
[This message edited by thinkingclear at 7:22 AM, June 12th (Wednesday)]
We need to trademark some of this.
any studies/insights on the 2 obviously linked phenomenon of: 1. the low self esteem pandemic amongst women and 2. the emasculation of men - both of which are major contributors to the As we've all been visited with?
There's a whole movement that has been spawned rel to these two issues: the manosphere.
It has its own nomenclature:
from the pump em and dump em playuhs,
to you name it.
I like the writing at Taken in Hand.
What resonates to me is living inside myself, being true, that kind of shit.
I figure that all throughout history, kingdoms change, technology advances...everything changes, except one thing.
There's one golden thread that is spun from beginning to end.
The human heart.
So when I read
I think it would be much more likely I could pick out "a winner" with this extra education.
I think "you're really awesome" & a winner will pick you!
Girl I worked with. Was droolingly beautiful. Even with all my *whatever* (knowledge, wisdom, insight, control) - I had to focus to interact with her. She told me she met her bf online.
My jaw dropped.
Oh yeah, because she intimidated guys (her words)- they wouldn't even approach her in social settings.
Disclaimer: I haven't tried OLD. I'm meh about it, too busy, like 64fleet 'take it or leave it'...but one thing is true:
I live inside myself.
The answer (besides "42"), is to live in your own heart.
"The poetry of a man divided against himself doesn't have the power of the simplest tribal song"
We come stumbling in here, shattered and broken, torn the fuck up. Life is a damn boot camp. Dear God let me leave on my feet.
If my mind could take pictures
to give to all I know,
I'd print the early morningsongs
of newday dawning's show.
Before a bird's eye opens,
before their song is heard,
a magical silence is singing outside
I can't find a word.
A black n white for tentacles
clutching icily to the trees,
or a color print
for the brilliant sunrise
(which exists I'm sure, only to please)
I'll probably go to a nuthouse
for ranting and raving fore dawn,
keep clicking along,
singing my song,
laughing wildly on somebody's lawn.
I would be a fabulous husband to someone
THAT is damn right. Because you are true. To you. & it shows.
[This message edited by jjct at 8:33 AM, June 12th (Wednesday)]
Question for my fellow brothers . Have you let your WW parents or your parents know of the A? How about friens and other family members ?
I would say know your circle and act accordingly.
For me, I told just about everyone. MIL second day. All 'our' friends. She called one of her friends in a panic on D-day because I was kicking her out. If I had to do it over again, I would have outed them at work. I blew it all up.
Someone mentioned it may hurt the chances for R. Screw R. IMO it is cards on the table time. I wanted to find out exactly who everybody I knew was. One of the positives of crisis is you can look around and see who is still standing next to you.
I wouldn't say that my reaction is advice or direction for others, but I did discover a lot more than my W's A on d-day. I started the discovery of who my real friends were. Turns out I was lucky. I have a lot of them. Including my MIL. She has not taken this out on her daughter, but she knows who's responsible and it ain't me.
How about "GROPE" - "for when you just Have To"
Attorney brothers - OBX. 2014.
Bring papers. (I'm thinking LLC)
How about "GROPE" - "for when you just Have To"
LOL, I'm crying!!!!
'It's not the end of everything,
It's just end of everything you know.'
Here's the song of the day.
Jay Z kills it
Check out this video on YouTube:
[This message edited by Betrayed444 at 8:59 AM, June 12th (Wednesday)]