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My BW was short with me this morning. I thought it was because I left the lights on in the basement for the millionth time. I realized later on it probably wasn't. I approached my BW and asked what was wrong and to talk about it. I found out she had a dream of me and my AP together which upset her. She told me there was nothing I could do about it since I can't control what she does when she sleeps. Of course I'm always there for support.

I can tell you my BW has been great lately. I know she is keeping things inside but I am there to talk. She has been telling me she loves me the last couple of days after such a long time of not doing so. Tonight she sent me a text at work which I got about a half an hour after she sent it. It was another I love you with her also saying she was putting out DS down to sleep. I consciously decided not to reply because I didn't want to wake my BW in case she was asleep too. After doing a couple of things at work I grabbed my stuff to go out on the road and it looks like my BW triggered. She expected a text back and even wrote what my excuse was going to be for not doing so. It wasn't the reason why but it caused her more triggers.

I just hate that all I am or do is a huge trigger for her. I can't stop visually being a trigger but go out of my way to try not to do things to cause a trigger. I feel so helpless. I just want it to all to go away for her and all the pain she feels to be on my back. She deserves that.

[This message edited by Sam793 at 12:33 AM, May 17th (Friday)]

Oh for gawd's sake, Sam.

You must be a linear thinker. You know, an engineer-type-guy. That is the ONLY way you might be able to ignore your recent Dday and assume that if she's upset,it was about a basement light.

Your BW has been 'great lately'? I doubt it. She's been *nice* to you in expectation that you will step up to the plate.

Lately she's been telling you that she loves you, and yet you 'made a conscious decision' to NOT call her back?

Haven't you guys discussed this? I'm quite sure that she felt you understood that you should text her back immediately.

You joined here late last year. You cannot honestly believe she's so 'over this' that you can post about her being 'short' with you.

It sounds to me like she needs some loving (and I DON'T mean sex).

***disclaimer***

I'm married (happily) to a linear thinker, but I have to get in his face every once in a while.

Get out of your own skin. Think about your BW.

I just hate that all I am or do is a huge trigger for her. I can't stop visually being a trigger but go out of my way to try not to do things to cause a trigger. I feel so helpless. I just want it to all to go away for her and all the pain she feels to be on my back. She deserves that.

Get off your pity pot and get to work.

I'm proud of you for posting.

Sam,

Why don't you make an arrangement with your wife that if she is sleeping she puts her phone on vibrate so it won't wake her and you don't have to guess whether or not she's trying to sleep?

It's these little things that rebuild trust and make it easier for the BS. Don't assume she wants to sleep! Send the text!

AN

If my FWH woke me up via a text or call to tell me that he loved me, was thinking of me, and (in you case) thanking me of taking such good care of my DD, then I would go back to sleep with a huge smile on my face and in my heart. Just saying ...

Rule of thumb: if she texts you, text her back. Can't go wrong.

I dropped the ball on this one. I forgot I set her phone not to make a sound including vibrate during the night since shes a light sleeper. I could have responded without bothering her. I have been doing this now.

I never think she may be over this nor expect her to be soon or at all. As for the pity party, you see many WS speak this way. Just like the WS will never understand how the BS feels, the BS will never know how much pain the WS has inside for hurting them. I like others like being open about it. I guess I could go back to just writing it down somewhere else and not post it like I used to. If you look at many of my posts, they really aren't worded for a response. It's more how I feel at the time. I don't really expect a response to that part because I don't want to be told it's ok. It's not ok and I know it. If I don't get it out I beat myself up badly over it. Hope that explains how I work.

I know she is keeping things inside but I am there to talk. She has been telling me she loves me the last couple of days after such a long time of not doing so.

Are you telling her you love her every day? Are you checking in with her every day, several times a day, to see if there's anything on her mind? You're "there to talk" but are you waiting for her to take the lead?

I'm not judging you: pot meet kettle. Just wondering if her being "great" has caused you to slack off on working on the M.

Even 3 years out, just having a cell phone triggers my BW... Not answering her sends her mind into a frenzy of what ifs and who am I f*cking now... Dude, you answer no matter what. It was important to show her that she mattered before the A, its imperative that you dont let her mind wander now. Peace of mind is what she needs, especially if your cell was a tool of your A. Think about it...

Before I read the comment by 20 I felt she was off so I asked her if she wanted to talk. She told me she was a little tired and otherwise nothing is bothering her. I've sent her a quick text now that I know it won't wake her up. She triggered after I left for work and I want to let her know I'll be there for her if she wants to talk.