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Reconciliation Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: regrets and Reconciliation
hopefulmother
♀ Member
Member # 38790
Default  Posted: 12:15 AM, May 17th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Can you regret getting M to the WS and still have hope of recovering the M? I love him. Not in-love. Am I wasting my time or is feeling like this normal? He is doing everything right. Is it that I am just guarding my heart? So confused?


Me-BW 39
WH-39
D-day 9-4-12
Major TT 8-14
Friends for 20yrs dating since 2000
Married 10yrs with 2 toddlers
My wedding band is a symbol of hope, forgiveness, love, and grace.

Posts: 946 | Registered: Mar 2013 | From: PA
cosmicjoke
♀ Member
Member # 39159
Default  Posted: 1:14 AM, May 17th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

HM- yes, absolutely.. I know exactly where you're coming from. A lot of us still love the person we're with, & are still giving it 100%.. but if we could do it all over again, knowing what we know now...?? hhmmm.....

So if he's doing everything right, that's half the battle.. the rest is- is he truly sincere and can he stay the course..? Time will tell if the changes are permanent. But yes, guard your heart always. I believe you can give it, but still guard it.


Posts: 212 | Registered: May 2013
Lowlow
♀ Member
Member # 38653
Default  Posted: 3:21 AM, May 17th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm definitely here with you both. If were not married, invested 18 years into this relationship, i'd be gone. Hell, he'd leave me!

What crazy thing holds us on to a person who clearly doesn't care about us... yet we still hold on.

Now do we do this?


Me (BS) 42 Him (FWS) 43
AP#2 (LTA EA/PA) DD #1 16 Feb 2013
AP#1 (LTA EA with my BF) DD #2 16 Nov 2013
Married 11 years, T 19 years
Reconciling

Posts: 234 | Registered: Mar 2013
DixieD
♀ Member
Member # 33457
Default  Posted: 9:25 AM, May 17th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Can you regret getting M to the WS and still have hope of recovering the M?

I think so. I did and sometimes still do and our R is going well. I think it's part of the bargaining stage. If we'd never gotten married, this would never have happened. It's a form of trying to protect yourself and analyze what went wrong.

ETA about love as a feeling. Feelings are fleeting. They can change easily, especially after going through a trauma like infidelity. Disillusionment happens. IMO, the key is what you and your partner do about it, and how you communicate about it.

That's where the concept of Love is a Decision comes in. You make an active choice to love through loving actions vs relying on feelings. But there was a time I was too angry or depressed to even care about that. It's normal. That concept helped.

[This message edited by DixieDevastated at 10:00 AM, May 17th (Friday)]


Growing forward

Posts: 1767 | Registered: Sep 2011
forgivingnow
♀ Member
Member # 33549
Default  Posted: 11:50 AM, May 17th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I agree with making an active choice to love thru loving actions. Love is a choice.
Hang in there. If there is love, if he is remorseful and you are both "all in" you will in time get to the point of acceptance and feel like you would marry him all over again. It truly can get better.


Me-BS 51
FWH-51
M 31 yrs.
Dday 3-19-11, TT 10/2011, Full truth July 2013
Strength comes from within. You can't get it from someone or go somewhere to get it. It is already here, waiting to be used when you need it most. Believe in yourself.
R

Posts: 615 | Registered: Oct 2011
hopefulmother
♀ Member
Member # 38790
Default  Posted: 5:14 PM, May 17th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

forgivingnow, dixiedevestated: Thankyou both so much for the positive support. I am in it 100% and I know my husband is too. He has done everything to help. He has even tried to turn texting into a positive thing by texting me everyday something he loves about me. I just want to feel the same way about him like I did before this happened. Cosmicjoke and lowlow: thanks for sharing, it helps to have someone identify with. I hope the other two helped you two too.


Me-BW 39
WH-39
D-day 9-4-12
Major TT 8-14
Friends for 20yrs dating since 2000
Married 10yrs with 2 toddlers
My wedding band is a symbol of hope, forgiveness, love, and grace.

Posts: 946 | Registered: Mar 2013 | From: PA
Beautifulmom
♀ Member
Member # 37611
Default  Posted: 10:03 PM, May 17th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Great question! I wonder if I had been more cautious if I would have picked him. But if the me now could go back 10 years ago, I never would have beleived he would cheat.
Its so weird. I met him one night and never looked back. It was almost like there was no question I should be with him.
now I try to say I love you but most of the time it doesn't feel real.
Very sweet of your husband to send those texts. My hubby says he cares but really I think putting in effort every day to make me feel good is beyond him. He does some things ( like presents every day for a week before mothers day....pretty sweet), but I think then he expects to slide for a little while. I think about this every second of every day, I don't think so!!!
Anyway, the answer is I don't know for me. I still vary from a "go be with her, get out" to a "I think I feel the old love returning" gamut. My hopes is that at a year I find myself falling back in love...most days. That is if he hasn't lost interest by then.


33 years old (Wh and me)
Married 10 years
2 children: 4yo and 1yo
Dday#1 10/28/12
Dday#2 12/24/12 (Merry Christmas)
Affair: 3+ years (as far as I know) w/my best friend of 14 years

Posts: 71 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: Beautifulmom
libertyrocks
♀ Member
Member # 38924
Default  Posted: 10:23 AM, May 18th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yes, yes, yes. I told H we shouldn't have gotten married. I love FWH, too. It's not the same. I, too, just feel like I'm waiting for him to eff up again so I can leave...I think it's normal to feel the love/hate cycle during R. At least for me...

Don't have any advice, but I can relate.

I think the most important thing is that like us, you two still love each other. Without that, people leave and love from a distance.

[This message edited by libertyrocks at 10:24 AM, May 18th (Saturday)]


Me-BW 36. STBXH-35,Recovering Alcoholic, M6yrs T13. Boys 2 & 4 1/2.
DDay #1 Nov,2012. 1 1/2 year false R & TT. 10 OW PA's 1LTA (W lied to) 3 years.
S Nov, 2013 again Jan,2014
Filed for D Feb,2014.

Posts: 962 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: So Cal, baby. :)
undonelife
♀ Member
Member # 38421
Default  Posted: 10:58 AM, May 18th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm there too! If I had it to do over I would have run!!! I'm at that stage Dixiedevastated mentioned to angry or depresses to even care. I dont give much of a sh** right now. libertyrocks, yes, I'm expecting him to eff up again about the time I decide I can stay in this marriage, and dammit I will walk. 28 years 2 kids & 13+ years of his debilitating illness in which I stood by him with this broken POS man who didn't care that he knew it would hurt me. Who actively
& purposely made the choice to pursue a slut instead of pursuing me when he 'felt' unhappy! Bull****! Never mind all the promises he made me while dating & thru our marriage. Some days I truly don't know why I didn't just let him have his dream life with the slut.


Me: BS 53 Him: WH 51
M: 28 years
DDay 11/25/12 TT 9/9/13
OW:20 yrs younger McOW
Kids: 2 teens

Posts: 188 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: Dark Hell
SadFlower
♀ Member
Member # 37725
Default  Posted: 12:17 PM, May 18th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

We're in R, and it's going pretty well, but like so many of you, I would never have married him if I'd known how deeply he would betray me. Not in a million, billion, zillion years.


Me: BW, age 66
Him: WH, age 64
Married 19 years
In R.

D-Day: August 14, 2012
9 year LTA with former co-worker and family "friend"/7 years EA+PA, 2 more years EA


Posts: 408 | Registered: Dec 2012 | From: Connecticut
Mom-of-4
♀ Member
Member # 29927
Default  Posted: 9:16 PM, May 21st (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'M 4 YEARS OUT FROM DDAY, MARRIED 14 YEARS, 5 KIDS. HIS AFFAIR BLINDSIDED ME AND CHANGED EVERYTHING I BELIEVED ABOUT HIM AND US. I HAVE NEVER BEEN THE SAME. I'M IN THE MARRIAGE BECAUSE I BELIEVE IT IS THE RIGHT THING TO DO. DO I REGRET MARRYING HIM? YES- EVERY DAY! I WOULD NEVER HAVE MARRIED HIM, MOVED FOR HIM, GAVE UP MY CAREER FOR HIM, HAD KIDS WITH HIM- IF I KNEW THIS WOULD HAPPEN. I'M NOT A MEAN PERSON, IT'S SAD REALLY, BUT IT IS THE TRUTH.


Me- BS 42
WH-43-5 month PA- outed when I was 28 weeks pregnant with baby #4
Married-13 yrs
Children- 5 children under the age of 10
OW- his boss' wife, a "friend"

*Winners never cheat and cheaters never win*


Posts: 213 | Registered: Oct 2010 | From: The South
Topic Posts: 11

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