My WS works in an auto shop with a bunch of guys (all guys as a matter of fact). His defense always includes telling me all about all the guys at work and the sick and twisted things they re into, or what disgusting way those men disrespected their wives in. I think it's his way of saying, "hey, compared to other guys, I am not that bad."
At least the current man "only" cyber-cheated.
"Love means never having to say you're sorry."
I've seen his taste for it change and heading towards more disturbing things. I think eventually they have to up the ante to get the effect they crave. Our intimacy is nada now. He can't keep an erection and I really think he'd rather j** off than be with me. It severely affected our sex lives. I am moving on, it bothers me.
After D day and discovery of all the emails....spouse said he was finished with porn. It was not a request from me, though I really did not want to see all the pics. He had even visited porn sites on his computer that our son saw.
WS soon start passing on porn with friends some after his declaration and Shit hit the fan from me as it was one of his own things he was changing....He forgot was his excuse.
Fast forward 6 months later and he has not forwarded any, am assuming he still looks at some his buddies send him....but it is one of the live changes he has made to be a better person (he says)
Porn is a personal thing...and some couples enjoy looking and sharing..the sad part of all porn is those girls/boys are someone's children. One of my WS buddies daughter was involved in the porn business to support her drug habit....and died in her parent's home of an OD .
but is porn normal?
My wife knows I watch it- she's watched it with me before and probably on her own!!
I don't watch anything weird or sick- not everyone who watches porn are pervs and some porn actors love it- look at James Deen- happy guy.
[This message edited by idiot85 at 6:51 PM, May 18th (Saturday)]
Alea iacta est...
From the time we met, he decided he wasn't going to tell me about it. I think at some point I would have been similar to the posts that speak of agreements about it and how it affects a couple. But now, 20 years later, I understand a lot about him/us that was chronically frustrating about our personal life, though that wasn't a bad thing.
Porn is something that I and counselors believe led to his SA and eventually looking outward -looking for the next "fix" and wanting to make the pictures real for his life, but he had me on the madonna / mother type of vision...but didn't choose to speak of that either. Not til OW was in the picture.
So to answer the original question, (lol at my long-winded note) I think if it can be agreed upon and not get out of hand or cause harm, than what harm really is it? In reality, there are all the comic books and fantasy writing and they don't cause harm if people don't let them...maybe a little stretch, just trying to say it's all context in some ways.
The only thing that stays the same, is change. -M. Etheridge
My husband, too, used to talk about his ex business partner and how gross he was to watch and download and even print porn at his desk at work.
THEN I found out my husband had been looking at a lot of it.
What is that?
I will not be vanquished. Rose Kennedy
When it is a daily thing, and done within 10 minutes of me leaving the house....I call that an addiction! The feeling I get is that, like any other addiction, he can't wait for me to leave so he can have his "fix".
This ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ exactly
Anyway, just for the record, I have had 2 boyfriends that porn and strip bars did NOTHING for them. They were raised in loving, caring, homes, with good role models in their fathers and the parent's marriage was good. Not really sure if this is ALL that made them what they are. anyway, These two guys (one I dated in HS and one in my 30's), really loved cuddling, talking, more that porn, other women, etc. They were the guys who did not gawk if a pretty woman walked by our dinner table in a restaurant. It's just who they were,,,quality, sincere, and had balance in their lives.
On the other hand, XWH has always been interested in porn and the level of interest is high. Our marriage got to the point that he began to think porn is sex,, which it is not.
I don't hate it, but it just doesn't appeal to me. I don't know what's a lot or 'normal'...I simply don't partake in the same way I don't care for hardcore fashion - just doesn't ring my bell.
To answer though, I think if it bothers YOU and he knows this, he (if trying to work on things) should abstain from it.