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User Topic: Question about porn
Ostrich80
Member
Member # 34827
Default  Posted: 10:39 AM, May 18th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Porn was never an issue until it became an issue, Kwim? I wasn't against it but he wasn't a big porn watcher. Enter ow and internet on cell phones...walah!! Now we have a problem. He's addicted, he watches wherever he can get 5 min alone. I think the big red flag is, he acts like he doesn't. He talks about the sick sob's at work and the sick shit they look at....but not him. It's a secret and secrets make you sick.


BS..me
WS..him
Been with him over half my life
4kid
DD1 10-01-09 DD2 02-12-12 discovered it never ended
OW..nothing special. Just your average skank
Status..#$%@????

Posts: 4941 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: midwest
BeyondBreaking
♀ Member
Member # 38020
Default  Posted: 10:45 AM, May 18th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Ostrich, that is always their excuse.

My WS works in an auto shop with a bunch of guys (all guys as a matter of fact). His defense always includes telling me all about all the guys at work and the sick and twisted things they re into, or what disgusting way those men disrespected their wives in. I think it's his way of saying, "hey, compared to other guys, I am not that bad."

@@


I have been cheated on by 3 different men, and I have more DDays than anyone ever should. I am here, just trying to pickup the pieces.

At least the current man "only" cyber-cheated.

"Love means never having to say you're sorry."


Posts: 840 | Registered: Jan 2013
Ostrich80
Member
Member # 34827
Default  Posted: 2:14 PM, May 18th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Exactly BB ^^^^^^ he talks about these guys, shakes his head like they are disgusting but I swear he gets off talking about them. It's like he can discuss porn without telling on himself.

I've seen his taste for it change and heading towards more disturbing things. I think eventually they have to up the ante to get the effect they crave. Our intimacy is nada now. He can't keep an erection and I really think he'd rather j** off than be with me. It severely affected our sex lives. I am moving on, it bothers me.


BS..me
WS..him
Been with him over half my life
4kid
DD1 10-01-09 DD2 02-12-12 discovered it never ended
OW..nothing special. Just your average skank
Status..#$%@????

Posts: 4941 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: midwest
betrayed5years
♀ Member
Member # 37146
Default  Posted: 2:42 PM, May 18th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Porn is porn. OW (ICU nurse) was sending my spouse porn by email while I was in ICU, and continued for years until she offered an affair. My WS had a 4 month intense SA and then 5 year emotional A with this nurse, neighbor by then and friend. Did porn start the A no, but it was part of her pursuit and continued.
My WS grew into a group of male friends (with OW's spouse being one) that porn was passed about. Ow continued to share porn her spouse sent to her on to my WS.

After D day and discovery of all the emails....spouse said he was finished with porn. It was not a request from me, though I really did not want to see all the pics. He had even visited porn sites on his computer that our son saw.

WS soon start passing on porn with friends some after his declaration and Shit hit the fan from me as it was one of his own things he was changing....He forgot was his excuse.

Fast forward 6 months later and he has not forwarded any, am assuming he still looks at some his buddies send him....but it is one of the live changes he has made to be a better person (he says)
Porn is a personal thing...and some couples enjoy looking and sharing..the sad part of all porn is those girls/boys are someone's children. One of my WS buddies daughter was involved in the porn business to support her drug habit....and died in her parent's home of an OD .


Posts: 102 | Registered: Oct 2012 | From: Somewhere in USA
sladkaya
♀ New Member
Member # 39232
Default  Posted: 6:45 PM, May 18th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

but is porn normal?

normal for todays society, maybe, but ok? Not if it is hurting the person u say u love! I left a 31 yr marriage after living with an SA from day 1 and have unfortunately stepped into another relationship with an SA who denies and refuses to see that he has a problem. As far as he is concerned...it is my problem and what he does is normal and hurts no one. Then why hide it?
All i know, is the minute my back is turned, the porn comes on and i detest the stuff! Communication breaks down as result. I shut down, I remove myself from the relationship so that I don't get hurt. I love my guy but I don't love what he does, especially when he knows that it hurts me.
He uses the usual excuses 1) it is physically easier on him to do himself 2) it is just a stress reliever and means nothing 3) at least it isn't like he was doing a real person (therefore he doesn't consider it cheating on me!) 4) it's a guy thing, all guys do it 5) it doesn't hurt anyone
Well, it hurts me and disgusts me! It makes me want to hurt him back somehow! "you hurt me, take this and see how it feels!"
I don't know...it all makes me so very tired and sad. If men only cared and weren't so selfish at times....sorry, this is how i feel atm.

Posts: 8 | Registered: May 2013 | From: california
idiot85
♂ Member
Member # 38934
Default  Posted: 6:50 PM, May 18th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm not addicted to porn and would much rather be with my wife- I don't spend all my free time getting off on porn and I'm not constantly preoccupied with what's between my legs in general!!

My wife knows I watch it- she's watched it with me before and probably on her own!!

I don't watch anything weird or sick- not everyone who watches porn are pervs and some porn actors love it- look at James Deen- happy guy.

[This message edited by idiot85 at 6:51 PM, May 18th (Saturday)]


BH-29 (me)
WW-28

Multi famam, conscientiam, pauci verentur.


Posts: 575 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Old Blighty
ButterflyWings
♀ Member
Member # 26493
Default  Posted: 6:55 PM, May 18th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I have no problem with porn or with my husband watching it. The PROBLEM I do have is the deer in headlights reaction if I ask him about it. I am just curious and it makes me laugh if he thinks I'm judging him! I'm an open minded kind of woman and I have no issues whatsoever with him watching it every now and again. We occassionally will have it on when we feel we want the visual in the bedroom. For me it's an illusion. The acts are pretty much staged and if I do watch it on my own, I get a good giggle from it. I don't think there's an issue with it, but I do think it's an issue if a spouse is bothered by it and the other spouse doesn't care.


FWS: Him (38)/BS: Me (35)
DD, 9 & DS, 3
D-Day: 3.22.09 EA admitted
OW:a very sad, pathetic excuse for a woman.
Status: Forgiven
"Dark and difficult times lie ahead. Soon we must all face the choice between what is right and what is easy."

Posts: 118 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: Massachusetts
Ashland13
♀ Member
Member # 38378
Default  Posted: 7:06 PM, May 18th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

This is an odd subject for me, because porn was apparently part of Perv's life-entire adulthood-but he managed to hide his addiction completely from me. Somehow, I have no idea, I never knew he looked at it!

From the time we met, he decided he wasn't going to tell me about it. I think at some point I would have been similar to the posts that speak of agreements about it and how it affects a couple. But now, 20 years later, I understand a lot about him/us that was chronically frustrating about our personal life, though that wasn't a bad thing.

Porn is something that I and counselors believe led to his SA and eventually looking outward -looking for the next "fix" and wanting to make the pictures real for his life, but he had me on the madonna / mother type of vision...but didn't choose to speak of that either. Not til OW was in the picture.

So to answer the original question, (lol at my long-winded note) I think if it can be agreed upon and not get out of hand or cause harm, than what harm really is it? In reality, there are all the comic books and fantasy writing and they don't cause harm if people don't let them...maybe a little stretch, just trying to say it's all context in some ways.


Ashland 13

A person is a person, no matter how small. -Dr. Suess

Perserverance and spirit have done wonders in all ages.

-George Washington


Posts: 2204 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: New England
WhatsRight
♀ Member
Member # 35417
Default  Posted: 8:28 PM, May 18th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

wow, that was an interesting comment someone made.

My husband, too, used to talk about his ex business partner and how gross he was to watch and download and even print porn at his desk at work.

THEN I found out my husband had been looking at a lot of it.

What is that?


"Noone can make you feel inferior without your concent." Eleanor Roosevelt

I will not be vanquished. Rose Kennedy


Posts: 1889 | Registered: Apr 2012
sladkaya
♀ New Member
Member # 39232
Default  Posted: 1:54 AM, May 19th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I guess a big part of my problem comes from the fact that while I am away from home working, my guy is home doing not much else but viewing his porn. He will view it as soon as i leave for an hour or so, take a break and back at it for another hour or so. I come home and not much is done around the house. I also know for a fact that he will view porn when I am here sitting outside reading or whatnot. He checks out personals on craigslist EVERY day! I don't get the obsession!
I am always more than available to have some fun in the bedroom but now that I know of his daily porn use, i struggle with feeling comfortable with approaching him even. My thots and feelings are: why would he want to do anything with me when he has had his fill all day?
When it is a daily thing, and done within 10 minutes of me leaving the house....I call that an addiction! The feeling I get is that, like any other addiction, he can't wait for me to leave so he can have his "fix".
I might be oversensitive on this subject yet I feel the way I feel and wish he wouldn't discount my feelings.

Posts: 8 | Registered: May 2013 | From: california
Ostrich80
Member
Member # 34827
Default  Posted: 3:15 AM, May 19th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

When it is a daily thing, and done within 10 minutes of me leaving the house....I call that an addiction! The feeling I get is that, like any other addiction, he can't wait for me to leave so he can have his "fix".

This ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ exactly


BS..me
WS..him
Been with him over half my life
4kid
DD1 10-01-09 DD2 02-12-12 discovered it never ended
OW..nothing special. Just your average skank
Status..#$%@????

Posts: 4941 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: midwest
homewrecked2011
♀ Member
Member # 34678
Default  Posted: 10:26 PM, June 19th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

There's a good website out there "Yourbrainonporn.com"

Anyway, just for the record, I have had 2 boyfriends that porn and strip bars did NOTHING for them. They were raised in loving, caring, homes, with good role models in their fathers and the parent's marriage was good. Not really sure if this is ALL that made them what they are. anyway, These two guys (one I dated in HS and one in my 30's), really loved cuddling, talking, more that porn, other women, etc. They were the guys who did not gawk if a pretty woman walked by our dinner table in a restaurant. It's just who they were,,,quality, sincere, and had balance in their lives.

On the other hand, XWH has always been interested in porn and the level of interest is high. Our marriage got to the point that he began to think porn is sex,, which it is not.


me BS 52
him - 46
married 15 years DIVORCED 10 31 12
children - ds15 ds12
d-day 12-19-11
I gave a 24hour ultimatum then went to attorney next day
Divorce filed

Posts: 2067 | Registered: Jan 2012
wannabenormal
♀ Member
Member # 19772
Default  Posted: 10:46 PM, June 19th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My answer doesn't count either because I've never 'gotten' porn, although it's popular as F!!!

I don't hate it, but it just doesn't appeal to me. I don't know what's a lot or 'normal'...I simply don't partake in the same way I don't care for hardcore fashion - just doesn't ring my bell.

To answer though, I think if it bothers YOU and he knows this, he (if trying to work on things) should abstain from it.



Posts: 14343 | Registered: Jun 2008
Topic Posts: 33
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