Thanks for your insights and comments.
I believe that everyone deserves a second chance and some room to make up for what they have done. Also i didn't want to leave my marriage thinking i hadn't tried to at least understand what and why this all went so wrong, for both of our personal growth.
You are correct, she has no consequences to face so why bother. Her game is way more fun, indeed. I have kept it totally hush to preserve her reputation at work and socially.
She has no remorse, justifies her lack of actions, then gets on the defensive every time. Our conversation this morning indicated to me that she has one foot out the door: In her words - " I'm going to get counseling on my own and start a new life of my own!"
Here i was trying my hardest to get some reconciliation! Wow, this is moving fast.
I'm seeing the real beast i married now...
Me - Betrayed Spouse - Age:42
Her - Serial Adulterer Wife - Age:37
Affair partners - 3 in 16 months (+2 more unconfirmed)
D-Day 18 March 2013
Together 7 Years, Married 5 Years
Once you decide that reconciliation is off the table there will be little to no reason to protect her reputation socially or at work...IMHO
If she was remotely remorseful, looking like R was even in her lexicon of possibilities, then I get giving her that second chance.
But she isn't, is she? Please understand that the pain you feel is something only YOU feel right now. She isn't feeling it. She's not upset, except to feel angry.
Everything you're giving her right now has no value to her.
You need to leave. It doesn't have to be forever. If she really wants to R, if there are good things to salvage, then you can work on them in a safe place. Being faced with her apathy or anger is only amping your pain and reinforcing the disparity in her emotional stance.
Be in a safe place, Bill. She isn't a safe place for you now.
I am about 2.5 years in, and one thing that I learned through this is that it really is not about my WW, it is about me, in the sense that my WW's behavior does not deprive me from making choices and taking action on my own.
Ultimately, the question changes from "how could my WW do this to me" to "what I am going to do about it.". With that change in focus comes power. It can be hard to get there, though, because your world has been rocked and naturally you are turning to the person you love the most for help...except she is the cause of your pain.
Take a look at the 180 in the BS FAQ. It wil help you to recover from the shock here by moving your focus back on to yourself, and what is best for you.
Good luck. You will get through this.
Like everyone else I am sorry you find yourself here. Please listen closely to what others are telling you, they have been through this and have seen it for many years.
No kids but i didn't get married to have kids! I got married for the love and security of a single committed partner, someone to share my life etc.
Well this reason is now completly blown to bits. She has shown you time and time again who she is. She is not remorseful and R cannot begin until she pulss her head out of her ass.
You sound like a strong man that deeply loves his wife. I went through the same thing only to get hit with a 2nd Dday 18 months later. My wife acted remorseful and everything seemed great, right now you don't even have that going for you.
You need to 180 my friend. When you can let the your WW go and admit that the M you thought you had is dead, you will then be able to start healing and move forward.
Please take care of yourself, listen to the help that people are offering, and use what you can.
In her words - " I'm going to get counseling on my own and start a new life of my own!"
In my effort to be *concise*, I often come off as blunt and harsh. Sorry, don't mean to be offensive.
This line got to me,
"I got married for the love and security of a single committed partner, someone to share my life."
Seems all you got was a wife that wanted to be shared.
When you see your lawyer you might as well have him file.
Your WW only considers you her plan "B".
"Affairs are not mistakes, they are a series of deliberate choices." - CrappyLife
Did you give her demands for R? If not you need to, including passwords to all emails, access to her phone, no omissions of truth, etc. NC with any of these clowns that she has been involved with.
Lastly you need to lay consequences, if she is unwilling to do it, then you have your answer, she does NOT want to R, she just wants you to be the guy that she lives with, while she coninues this abhorent behavior.
Make sure you are taking time for yourself, make sure you are eating, and drinking (water) getting sleep, and if not go to the Dr and get something to help you with sleep. It's normal to feel this way early on. Time to find out who you are again, and work on that guy.
Welcome to the forum none of us ever wanted to join. It is a place for very good support from people who have been where you are now and know what you are feeling. It is the worst feeling in the world to be betrayed by the person you love and wanted to spend your life with.
Right now give yourself time to process all of this. Do not make any rash decisions. Seeing an attorney is not a rash decision. It will hopefully wake your wife up to the fact that this is real and she could lose you. Unfortunely I did not have SI on DDay#1 and I did everything to try and make my BS love me again. I let him blame me for his LTA, changed things that he said he didn't like about our marriage and me, etc. He just took the LTA underground for another year resulting in DDay#2. The reason he said he did that was because he really had no consequences after DDay#1. We are still attempting R, but it is hard after all I have been through and I am still 1.5yrs later still trying to decide if I can ever R with him. He is transparent, some times remorseful (mostly regretful),and likes to rug sweep when I allow him to. He has a long way to go and I am not sure I am willing to wait for his total head removal from his ass, but I at least know he is not cheating now. You nufortunately can not say the same for your WW. Her refusal to remove herself from the bar seen, as well as other red flags, tell me she is not really interested in R at this time with you. You need to practice the 180 (for you, not for her)and give her consequences and stick to them. Keep posting. We are all there for you. (((HUGS)))
My EXH was remorseless. I waited for the apologies, the "please don't divorce me" etc but in his eyes, everything was my fault.
I believe if someone isn't even sorry they don't deserve forgiveness. Do you really think your WW is sorry?
Thinking of you... and wishing you hadn't had to go through this situation...
How are things going now? We haven't heard from you. Just checking in on you.
Hope things are better.
Thanks for checking up!
I took 4 weeks away from my wife (we live& work abroad) and went home. A trip that was agreed to, i didn't just leave. I wanted to get some head space and see a new future without her. That was good and i have some amazing friends who's ears i have all but chewed off!!! They have never been through this and "divorce" is their mantra! You truly don't know what this is like till you go through it.
Anyway, on my return i realize i truly have turned a corner. My wife picked me up from the airport and the first sight of her turned my stomach. Her touch turned me cold. My love from her is at it's lowest level and i see now how meaningless our marriage is now.
She has her heels firmly dug into that denial pit.
We have had one chat since my return and i posted that in this thread:
Sounds like a financial 180 is also in order..
It is soul crushing to find oneself having to support a cheating/un remorseful partner financially and otherwise... It is like being trapped for an indefinite period of time in a locked elevator with your worst enemy and having nothing but shit sandwiches to eat
How are things today with you? Any insights you can share?
[This message edited by Shockedman at 11:13 AM, June 7th (Friday)]