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Reconciliation Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: Resentment
mamak
♀ Member
Member # 35969
Default  Posted: 12:15 PM, May 18th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think I have finally be able to nail down what I have been feeling for a while and that is resentment....

A few weeks ago I graduated from nursing school and have since been preparing for my nursing exam. WH has been doting on me, even got my engagement fixed (the diamond had fallen out) and altered so that it wouldn't scrape my patients, and yet I feel nothing. The stress of school is gone, I pretty much have a job lined up, and yet here I am....I am miserable.

I hate that some party planner that has no problem sending naked pictures of herself to a married man totally trumped all the hours I spent taking him meals, caring for his kids, taking care of his bills and his house. I resent that all the years I spent being faithful ( he is military and I have been faithful through 6 deployments over the 11 years we have been married) could be overlooked just because she was willing to overlook the fact that he was married.

I thought that by a year out I would feel better but honestly....I feel worse. My self esteem is shot and I feel like I will never be able to recapture the happier part of me...

Infidelity sucks


Me - 37, Him - 34
Married - 12 years
Three kiddos (oldest is mine) - 9, 11,13
DDay #1 - 4/21/2012, Discovered 3 mo. EA (texts, phone calls, nude pics, sexting, 1 kiss)
R - 4/24/12. R going well

Posts: 287 | Registered: Jun 2012
AFrayedKnot
♂ Member
Member # 36622
Default  Posted: 2:27 PM, May 18th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Starting just weeks after our first antiversary things started going down hill. The anger was gone. The urgency to save everything was gone. The panic was gone. The paranoia was gone. All that was left was depression, the sadness of the reality of it all.

Year two is so much harder in a completely different way.


BS 40
fWS 36 (SurprisinglyOkay)
DD DS
A whole bunch of shit that got a lot worse before it got better.
"Knowing is half the battle"

Posts: 2632 | Registered: Aug 2012
Keepcalm
♀ Member
Member # 36234
Default  Posted: 2:30 PM, May 18th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I resent my husband too. I admit that 16 months out I am still angry and bitter. It took my request for a separation before my husband "saw the light". He now misses the relationship we used to have. Well me too. But after the hell he has put me through for the last few years, screw him. I look out for myself now and when I am able to, I hope I will have the strength to leave. I have found IC somewhat helpful, meds not helpful at all and MC could of been helpful, but my husband doesn't like to talk about his feelings so MC is of little use. After 28 years of marriage I deserved better. Sorry I got bitter while you took almost a year to decide between me and the skank.
The above is a rant, but why shouldn't you resent someone that has promised to respect you and then breaks your heart. Keep venting till its out of your system, and this is a great place to vent.


BS Me 57
WS Him 55
Married 30 yrs
DDay 1/28/2012
I have no idea what is going on

Posts: 178 | Registered: Jul 2012 | From: Virginia
Keepcalm
♀ Member
Member # 36234
Default  Posted: 2:30 PM, May 18th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I resent my husband too. I admit that 16 months out I am still angry and bitter. It took my request for a separation before my husband "saw the light". He now misses the relationship we used to have. Well me too. But after the hell he has put me through for the last few years, screw him. I look out for myself now and when I am able to, I hope I will have the strength to leave. I have found IC somewhat helpful, meds not helpful at all and MC could of been helpful, but my husband doesn't like to talk about his feelings so MC is of little use. After 28 years of marriage I deserved better. Sorry I got bitter while you took almost a year to decide between me and the skank.
The above is a rant, but why shouldn't you resent someone that has promised to respect you and then breaks your heart. Keep venting till its out of your system, and this is a great place to vent.


BS Me 57
WS Him 55
Married 30 yrs
DDay 1/28/2012
I have no idea what is going on

Posts: 178 | Registered: Jul 2012 | From: Virginia
Zayda1
♀ Member
Member # 35387
Default  Posted: 5:02 PM, May 18th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Ughh...This is such a frustrating feeling.

I resent the time I spent alone while he was with her, the time spent with my "friend" and them both knowing the truth. I resent that I feel like a fool because he "was in a bad place".

I've been in bad places too and I've never reached out to another man.

I'm resentful that he is back in this relationship and wants me to hit on him, grab his ass and pretend that our marriage is okay.

I am resentful of him getting up in the morning starting his day off with a smile when I start my day of remembering what he was doing with her.

*sigh*. I guess I am having a woe is me day.


Married 9 years, together for 11 years
2 children (7 years & 4 years)
Discovery of PA 04/15/12 (It only lasted a "couple of weeks" but it still shattered my world.)

Posts: 466 | Registered: Apr 2012
sodamnlost
♀ Member
Member # 37190
Default  Posted: 5:13 PM, May 18th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage


Year two is so much harder in a completely different way.

THIS terrifies me. How can things get worse? Heck most days I have no real idea how he is still here. Yes he is changing, yes I want my M to work but REALLY? It gets worse? Yuck


If it walks like a duck and quacks like a duck - it's not a fluffy pink unicorn squirting liquid rainbows, complete with pots of gold out of it's ass.

Posts: 769 | Registered: Oct 2012 | From: Nowhere pretty
918Mama
♀ Member
Member # 37756
Default  Posted: 9:54 PM, May 18th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I hate that some party planner that has no problem sending naked pictures of herself to a married man totally trumped all the hours I spent taking him meals, caring for his kids, taking care of his bills and his house. I resent that all the years I spent being faithful ( he is military and I have been faithful through 6 deployments over the 11 years we have been married) could be overlooked just because she was willing to overlook the fact that he was married.

Me too. 16 years together before his first A and I was already the mother of his child. Pregnant with his second baby when the second A started. An why?? Because these "women" were willing to send him naked pictures of themselves. I just don't get it. Any of it. I, too, have entered the resentment phase. And I was so sure I was headed to the acceptance phase. :-(

Getting ready to start year two here too...can't wait to see how much fun is in store!


Surrender to what is. Let go of what was. Have faith in what will be. -- Sonia Ricotti

Posts: 585 | Registered: Dec 2012
hopefulmother
♀ Member
Member # 38790
Default  Posted: 11:30 PM, May 18th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am with Sodamnlost:...what?

Harder? I was just posting about feeling really good and no longer fence-sitting.

This scares me.

Oh-btw: The trumping bit really makes it sound horrible. I would share that with him. I know I will use that analogy the next time I rage. I even added something like that to my profile. Very real...very dramatic.


Me-BW 39
WH-39
D-day 9-4-12
Major TT 8-14
Friends for 20yrs dating since 2000
Married 10yrs with 2 toddlers
My wedding band is a symbol of hope, forgiveness, love, and grace.

Posts: 946 | Registered: Mar 2013 | From: PA
AFrayedKnot
♂ Member
Member # 36622
Default  Posted: 5:54 AM, May 19th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sorry for the t/j

Sodamnlost & hopefulmother

I guess it need some explanation.

Year one for me was panic. It was save or relationship hell or high water. All of my focus was on the relationship and my fWS. Why?How could she? What does it mean? How do I stop it from happening again? Is she doing what she needs to do? How do we fix it? Where do we go from here?
It was crazy making. I felt like a paranoid schizophrenic.

Year two came with much more acceptance. Yes it happened. Yes this is your new reality. Yes it could happen again. I started focusing more on myself. Doing more things for me. It became more of a time of peaceful self reflection. What do I want in life? Do I really want this to be a part of me for the rest of my life? Is this what I really want? Why did I fight do hard for it? Is it worth it?

In year two walking away became a real option, a safer option, a comfortable option. It became a choice.


BS 40
fWS 36 (SurprisinglyOkay)
DD DS
A whole bunch of shit that got a lot worse before it got better.
"Knowing is half the battle"

Posts: 2632 | Registered: Aug 2012
mamak
♀ Member
Member # 35969
Default  Posted: 4:22 PM, May 19th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I have definitely accepted what has happened but the hurt and paranoia....are still there.

I think what haunts me are the words that he said to her.....I feel like I am the runner up and the only reason he chose me is because he felt obligated (his words in his breakup letter to her....he didn't want to hurt her....)


Me - 37, Him - 34
Married - 12 years
Three kiddos (oldest is mine) - 9, 11,13
DDay #1 - 4/21/2012, Discovered 3 mo. EA (texts, phone calls, nude pics, sexting, 1 kiss)
R - 4/24/12. R going well

Posts: 287 | Registered: Jun 2012
Beemer
♀ Member
Member # 38499
Default  Posted: 2:02 PM, May 20th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I feel quite a bit of resentment myself... but kind of in a different way - we've been great lately, really better than ever (I know it's a total cliche but it happens to be true for us)

My resentment stems from the fact that he got to completely check out on grown-up life and spend 6 months acting like a teenager - I'd love to chuck my parental responsibilities for hot sex with an old flame, but I don't get to do that... why not? because I could never bring myself to do that...

So he gets to run around like a teenager, have sex with someone else, spend 6 months living as a bachelor, and in exchange he gets a better marriage?!?!?

what the eff is that about?


BW - Me (33)
FWH - Him (34)
Married - 8years
D-Day - 06/06/12
Status - Trying...things are good :)

Posts: 77 | Registered: Feb 2013
cali1002
♀ New Member
Member # 39270
Default  Posted: 3:06 PM, May 20th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I agree with you Beemer. Sometimes I feel like i want to go out and get my turn to go play and do something new and different. How fair is it that he got to go have his fun, while I was the good wife? I won't do that since we are trying to reconcile, but I do have those feelings too.


Me - BS 44
Him - WH 52
Kids - 11 and 12
DDay - May 2012
Married 14 years
In Reconciliation

Posts: 42 | Registered: May 2013 | From: United States
Topic Posts: 12

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