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User Topic: What ... I mean what ?!?!?!?
booger bear
♀ Member
Member # 26584
What?  Posted: 12:15 PM, May 18th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

So ... I don't know what happened ... All very fast ...

I have been trying for months to try and get a 2nd part-time job. No luck. I am living pay check to pay check ... I get paid every 2wks Fridays, and by that following Monday, my acc is overdrawn.

I am down literally 500-700 a month and most of that winds up being over charge fees.

I have tried to get a better paying LPN job here and there is nothing ... All the places that pay better want more experience ... Or I am up against 100's of other fellow nurses vying for the same job.

Anyway so I got a bright idea to rent out my spare room. 1/2 the rent, 1/2 the utilities, buy your own food. Basic. Listed it on craigslist ... Got several hits right away and I was very choosy over who I responded back to.

If your e-mail gave me slightest creepy vibe, or off vibe in anyway ... no return e-mail. Couple people did a walk thru, couple people no showed ...

Lt came by on Thursday and did a walk thru ... at 6pm, at 8pm he sent a message saying he wanted the room. I just deposited his check in the bank this AM.

He came by to look at the place with his parents in the car, he is an Lt in the Army, just got back from the middle east not to long ago, he is 40 and appears to be single, no ring or tan line, and any girlfriend he might have I'm sure would not be happy him living here.

I'm not looking for a relationship of a romantic kind at all. If I wanted that I would have just listed a personnel ad.

I'm freaked out ... I don't get the feeling he is a bad guy at all, no creepy vibes in the least ... He is nice, polite and clean.

He says he is gone a lot for the job. The place he was staying was with a friend of his, at his families home. His friend did not get to return from deployment at the same time Lt did, and he felt uncomfortable living with his family. Lt's parents live in AZ and he is stationed here.

WTF am I doing ??? Why won't some place hire me to punch their cash register ... I am terrified .....

Not of anything happening with Lt ... I am terrified of making any kind of a relationship/connection with anyone new. It hit me last night, again music was a trigger, always such a HUGE trigger for me. I am terrified to my core, my very being of getting just the littlest bit close to anyone, let alone a guy.

He is dropping more stuff off Monday and then is gone for about a month, I suppose to the field for training ...

I needed to get this out, it has been eating me up since like 930pm last night ...


WTH am I doing ...


I am fiercely independent and I won’t apologize for it. I'd rather be single than settled.

Posts: 18795 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: OK - Hot as hell here !!!!!!
ladies_first
♀ Member
Member # 24643
Default  Posted: 12:22 PM, May 18th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

WTH am I doing ...

You are RENTING a room.

Any relationship talk is inappropriate and not based in reality.


"We must be willing to let go of the life we planned so as to have the life that is waiting for us." ~J. Campbell
"In the final analysis, it is your own attitude that will make or break you, not what has happened to you." ~D. Galloway

Posts: 2143 | Registered: Jun 2009
exhausted lady
♀ Member
Member # 30217
Default  Posted: 12:26 PM, May 18th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm glad you got it out booger. I think if you can keep your mind in landlord/tenant land, this will not be a problem. It sounds like he'll be gone a lot and the extra $$$ is going to help out your bottom line.

You're doing what you need to do to survive. Keep looking at him as a male tenant and NOT as a man living with you, ya know??


Sometimes the hardest part of finally seeing through someone is accepting what you see...

God grant me the serenity to accept the people I cannot change, the courage to
change the one I can, and the wisdom to know it's me.
-Reinhold Neibuhr


Posts: 3168 | Registered: Nov 2010 | From: Colorado
Amazonia
♀ Member
Member # 32810
Default  Posted: 12:36 PM, May 18th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

((Bb))

Keep it professional. Consider putting locks on both bedroom doors so you will both feel more secure. Having a roommate can be a big transition, but it sounds like he will be gone a lot. He will probably just want somewhere to crash and relax when he's home. If you have clear boundaries for yourself, it will make things more straight forward and simple.


"You yourself deserve your love and affection as much as anybody in the universe." -Buddha
"Let's face it, life is a crap shoot." -Sad in AZ

Posts: 13756 | Registered: Jul 2011
little turtle
♀ Member
Member # 15584
Default  Posted: 12:57 PM, May 18th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You're digging yourself up out of the financial hole you are in. He's not a date, boyfriend, partner... he's a male who is paying you to live in a room in your house.

Is there a lease agreement? How long will he be living in your spare room?


Failure is success if we learn from it.

Posts: 4183 | Registered: Aug 2007 | From: michigan
booger bear
♀ Member
Member # 26584
Default  Posted: 2:39 PM, May 18th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Any relationship talk is inappropriate and not based in reality.

This .....

You're doing what you need to do to survive.

This .....

If you have clear boundaries for yourself, it will make things more straight forward and simple.

This .....

You're digging yourself up out of the financial hole you are in. He's not a date, boyfriend, partner... he's a male who is paying you to live in a room in your house.

This .....

No lease agreement ... He can stay as long as he needs to. I did not require a deposit, I'm not a landlord professionally, or whatever. Just purely to help out with $$$.

I guess I don't know why I'm really freaked out. I have not lived with another human let alone a man since I left Xh in Nov. 09. Living with my dad for a year I don't count.

I have enough people in my life, no desire to have anymore. The damage has been done. The navigation of the whole thing is weird I guess. I'm not young anymore, carefree and fly by the seat of my pants.

Setting those boundaries prior to the affair and all that shit, with people was easy back then. Now setting boundaries I don't know how to go about it.

Hi Lt here sit down so I can lay on the line what a bitter cynical independent person I am. Oh and by the way I am marking off my personal bubble space don't enter it, ever.

Great.

Really not sure what I'm asking, just venting I guess ...


I am fiercely independent and I won’t apologize for it. I'd rather be single than settled.

Posts: 18795 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: OK - Hot as hell here !!!!!!
TrustedHer
♂ Member
Member # 23328
Default  Posted: 3:37 PM, May 18th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

No lease agreement ... He can stay as long as he needs to. I did not require a deposit, I'm not a landlord professionally, or whatever. Just purely to help out with $$$.

Oh yes you are a landlord.

A lease agreement, even for a month-to-month rental, protects both of you.
You can get pre-printed ones at the office supply store. Just fill in the blanks, and make sure it covers things like use of common areas, storage, etc. It also protects you in case he claims later that you did charge advance rent or cleaning deposits.

Ususally you don't need it. but there are rare cases where you'll end up in court with a lot of he-said, she-said.

You're probably ok this time. Rental agreements are like pre-nups. A little bit of pain up front, and a huge relief at the end.


Take care of yourself. There's a great future out there. It won't come to you; you have to go to it.

Posts: 5164 | Registered: Mar 2009 | From: DeepInTheHeartOf, TX
gma56
♀ Member
Member # 19595
Default  Posted: 5:24 PM, May 18th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

R E L A X !!
BB- good to see ya !
I'm also in a roommate situation. It's a huge house (7200 sq ft) and I have three male roommates. All over 40 yrs old. We have our house rules, should say they are my rules.

Don't leave laundry in washer/dryer. Keep the 2 public area bathrooms neat...everyone has their own in their rooms so no real sharing.Clean up kitchen after cooking. Basic stuff.


We did put pivate locks on each bedroom, couple of the guys travel for business frequently. One has a fire arm for his line of business.

I had young guys here at first but that didn't work with their very single young lives but the guys here are 40+ and it's working.

It's roommates BB, you don't even have to be friends.
Hugs and hope you find that second job or better paying primary job.
Hugs
Gma


BW-Divorced
It's my life now, my choices, my mistakes to make and my victories to celebrate. His choices made me free of liars and betrayers in my life. That is priceless.

Posts: 20377 | Registered: May 2008 | From: Half way to where I want to be.
InnerLight
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Member # 19946
Default  Posted: 5:41 PM, May 18th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yes, get a lease agreement. Any kind of cooperative endeavor needs a written agreement to make sure you both are communicating. It will make you both feel safer.

I also suggest a background check. This is not to be suspicious but for basic normal self protection.

Sit down and go over an agreement together and both sign it. I've done this many times with subletting offices and it saves grief 1 - 2 - 3 years down the line when all current conversations are long forgotten.

Good for you for being proactive about your situation!


BS, age 53, d-day 6-2-08, divorced after 17 years and 20 together. Now I am living alone in the beautiful rural property that was once the dream retreat with X. It's taking a long time to create new dreams but despite some struggles I am mostly happy.

Posts: 5834 | Registered: Jun 2008 | From: Rural California
little turtle
♀ Member
Member # 15584
Default  Posted: 5:44 PM, May 18th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

t/j

It's roommates

It's housemates. After starting my current job which entails visiting people with developmental disabilities in their homes, I quickly learned it's not roommates, but housemates. lol.

end t/j

I think you should have some kind of written legal agreement. Just to protect yourself.

Rent is $____ and it's due on the ____ of each month. Utilities is $____ and it's due on the ____ of each month.

Tenant will purchase own food and clean up after his/herself.

Just the basics. Just to be safe.


Failure is success if we learn from it.

Posts: 4183 | Registered: Aug 2007 | From: michigan
rcantbleveit
♀ Member
Member # 30476
Default  Posted: 5:45 PM, May 18th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hey Bear,

I rent out 2 of my bedrooms to men (both married) and have for the past 2 years. They live in another state but work out of here. I spoke to their wives & checked out their references. They have both been a great help when things have broken and we have become friends. Don't look at this guy in any way as a relationship.... He's simply a border that enables you to pay for the things you need & want.

Seriously, he travels and will be gone alot. That's the best kind of room mate.


Posts: 227 | Registered: Dec 2010
booger bear
♀ Member
Member # 26584
Default  Posted: 6:52 PM, May 18th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi gma !!!!!!!!!!!!!

Well my entire house is about 1000sq ft. So even when you think your alone your not going to be.

There is only 1 bath ...

I will talk to him about the lease the agreement and if he feels he wants lock on his bedroom ... We have done the lease verbally anyway all those things have been mutually agreed upon.

I know how much someone's word can mean and not mean ... I'm not naive to that ....

I don't think he is married ... it was only his name on the check and just a plain bank check ... no design or nothing ... I always had designs and fancy script on my checks ...

Anyway ... I really don't think he has a gf either, I can't imagine her being ok with him living with a woman

Anyway I have not really had a chance to sit and talk with him yet. The first time he was here on Thursday night he had his parents in the car ... yes I saw them clearly definitely looked like parent types, I smiled and waved. Clearly the mom was giving the place the once over like only a mom could do. His dad stepped out of the car to smoke.

Then today when he came by it was just to drop off a couple things and leave the check. Then he was taking his parents to the airport. He won't be back till Monday evening, hoping then we can talk more.

His car is nice so that's a plus. In the fact he prolly pays his bills ect ...

One of the guys who showed up his car was

My dad when I told him ... went off the deep end ... why didn't I tell him first, why didn't I introduce him ...... Then he asked me if I was celibate ?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?! Then if I was gay ?!?!?!?!?! WTF .... Then he said *if* something were to ever happen with the Lt he would be ok with it ... I don't need his F-ing permission ... He wonders why I don't tell him things ...... whole other thread my dad gah !!

Oh one thing he has mentioned more than once is his bed. Not in a weird way at all. He just says it's a really nice bed and he seems very concerned/focused on bringing it here. Cool whatever. Then I got to thinking ... how much I despised my bed after d-day, I could never trust that it was safe anymore, but I could not(still can't) afford a new one. He seems almost sentimental about his bed. Which has my wheels turning ...

I know it is not what I should be thinking about, why he cares so much for this bed, but it's the one thing he has mentioned at least twice both times he has been here.

I tried finding him on fb no luck .... He really does seem to be just a nice guy, he keeps calling me mam' ... He did state right off that he get's randomly drug tested(monthly, I think he said) and he could not be around anything like that. I assured him no worries in that dept.

He does not smoke and he knows I do, since it was listed in the craigslist ad and I was on the porch when he showed up.

I know how utterly simple and ridiculous all this must sound/seem ... I really do. But I abhor(?better word?) the idea of new people in my life in any capacity, the IRL's anyway. I just can't figure out how to let anyone in my life again. Even in the smallest way, like a housemate ...

How in the hell do any of you ever consider dating again ??? I can barely over come the nausea feeling at having a housemate ...

ugh ......

[This message edited by booger bear at 6:55 PM, May 18th (Saturday)]


I am fiercely independent and I won’t apologize for it. I'd rather be single than settled.

Posts: 18795 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: OK - Hot as hell here !!!!!!
luv2swim
♀ Member
Member # 13154
Default  Posted: 4:01 AM, May 19th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Booger bear - as others have noted you have a housemate. This is not a dating situation. The guy pays rent to you. Over time, the two of you may, or may not become friends. Your housemate is also a military officer, which generally implies some degree of intellect/education, accountability and reason.

I do not think I would worry too much about this guy as long as you are clear what your own boundaries are, and communicate this clearly to him.


Me: BS
Him: NPD WS
Married 24 years
incredible kids
D day: 2006 ... he left to live with OW.
Divorced: 2009
WS + OW: Married 2011

Posts: 351 | Registered: Jan 2007 | From: US
gahurts
♂ Member
Member # 33699
Default  Posted: 9:20 AM, May 19th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi BB! Good to see you again.

A close friend of mine rented the spare room of her condo. It was a month to month thing. She could ask them to leave at any time for any reason and the other person could do the same. She made it very clear in the beginning that they are not friends and did not have to be. Many times they became friends but that was over time.

She told me that men made far better roommates than women did. The one renter that I know of that she had to evict fairly quickly was a woman. The guys all helped out with fix it stuff.

Spell out your boundaries clearly right up front. And as a precaution, I'd suggest you get used to locking the bathroom door if there is only one. Just so the accidental walk in is prevented.

Relax. Remember this is strictly business. Nothing else.


"Strength does not come from physical capacity. It comes from an indominable will" - Mahatma Gandi

"Courage is being scared to death and saddling up anyway." - Aubrie


Posts: 3421 | Registered: Oct 2011 | From: Georgia
k94ever
♀ Member
Member # 11176
Default  Posted: 9:25 AM, May 19th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

BB,

STOP overthinking this.

It's a rental situation. Sounds like he might be an Army Ranger and they are ALWAYS gone.

Get a written lease. Also get contact information for his parents incase he deploys and (God forbid) doesn't come back so you can get his stuff out of your house.

Here's another perspective.....he doesn't find you are his type and has no feelings for you other than you are the landlord.

k9


BS: 56
WS: 53
Betrayed: 23 years
Affairs: 14 (2 lasted 3 months. Rest were ONS)
WS died: 16 May 2011
Do not stay in your hurt forever. Choose to move out of it.

Posts: 6563 | Registered: Jul 2006 | From: Wisconsin
wildbananas
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Member # 10552
Default  Posted: 10:34 AM, May 19th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I have nothing new and innovative to add here but wanted to say hi, bb! I've been thinking about you lately and here you are.


Travel light, live light, spread the light, be the light. ~ Yogi Bhajan

Posts: 15403 | Registered: Apr 2006 | From: Now an AZ girl
stupidstupidme
♀ Member
Member # 11888
Default  Posted: 12:05 PM, May 19th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm confused. Unless I'm missing something, why in the world would renting out a room automatically mean thoughts of a relationship... or possibility of one?


Confront the dark parts of yourself, and work to banish them with illumination and forgiveness. Your willingness to wrestle with your demons will cause your angels to sing. Use the pain as fuel, as a reminder of your strength
August Wilson

Posts: 19732 | Registered: Aug 2006
Myname
♂ Member
Member # 23138
Default  Posted: 6:58 AM, May 20th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

HI BB!!!!! *waving*

Have you run a background check on him or anything like that?

Like others have said he is just a dollar sign. You're using your house to make you some extra cash which is great. Sounds like he will be gone most of the time anyway.


DD: 1-14-09 EA/PA OM #1
TT: 5-11&12-09
DD#2: 5-18-09 EA OM #2
5-31-09: Told me she hasn't loved me.
No kids
Me BH: 38
12-08-10: S

Posts: 3042 | Registered: Mar 2009 | From: Inside your computer.
Helen of Troy
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Member # 26419
Default  Posted: 7:31 AM, May 20th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I don't have anything to add either. Just wanted to say hi BB.

Posts: 4703 | Registered: Dec 2009
booger bear
♀ Member
Member # 26584
Default  Posted: 5:39 PM, May 20th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi all !!!!!! I saw u myname, sneak in here just like a lurker ... No background check.

An I do not want a relationship with him. Not what this is about. Not at all.


I am fiercely independent and I won’t apologize for it. I'd rather be single than settled.

Posts: 18795 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: OK - Hot as hell here !!!!!!
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