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I don't know about you guys, but my triggers seem to be endless. Big ones and little ones are all around me all the time. We are planning to move soon, partially to get away from some of the biggest ones.

And yet, today and yesterday I'm thinking about some of the little ones that I've been hoping would just fade away. Things like the jewelry organizer he got me for Christmas, the same day he told me he'd been still seeing her for pretty much the entire time after they had supposedly broken it off. I really wanted that jewelry organizer and chose it myself and sent him the Amazon link. But every time I use it, I think of how when he bought it and wrapped it, he was still seeing her. I try to tell myself that Christmas represents the day he "came back to me". It was the day he resolved to let her go and figure out how to love me again. I tell myself that the jewelry organizer won't always nudge my wound every time I open it.

Funny thing. Just yesterday my husband saw me opening it and asked me if its been working out . . . if I liked it. I really wanted to tell him everything I just said, but didn't. I just shrugged and said, "Yeah."

I go through a series of thoughts sometimes when I ride my bike and take note of the black handlebar tape. Since my first road bike in 2007 I had pink handlebar tape. I was known for my pink accents on my bike and my pink jerseys. Over time I wore pink less often and the last remaining piece of pink on my bike was the handlebar tape. When his bike flew off his truck and he needed a bike for an event, I let him take my pink tape off and put black on. I had been thinking of doing it anyway, and I like the black. And yet, looking back at the weekend he did that just brings pain now. The man who put the black tape on my bike was seeing another woman. She was at the event he did, though he didn't even know she was there and didn't see her. That man got mad at me that weekend when he found out I had a fake facebook account so I could have a place with a few friends to vent and say whatever I wanted on facebook without the whole world knowing what I was going through. I wasn't doing anything wrong and never said anything negative about him, just "her" and the "situation". Come to find out, HE had a fake facebook page all that time, which is what he used to communicate with her daily.

I guess I decided I'm changing the handlebar tape again, even though I really like the black, but I figure every time I see the new tape it will remind me why I changed it, so I wonder if it will be much better.

IT SUCKS!!!!!!!!!!

It's hard enough to deal with the big stuff, but to have little tiny stupid things like jewelry boxes and handlebar tape needle at you too, it's just ridiculous.

What are some of your triggers? Are they as endless as mine? I envy my friend who's biggest trigger is another state where her husband had a one night stand.

My husband not going to bed the same time as me.

Anytime he pulls his frigging phone out.

When he's at work ( still works with one of the women, looking for another job)

More than i could ever list, i think

My triggers seem endless too:

My husband going to work (coworker affair), his phone going off, his car being locked, his backpack (where I found the letter), Firehouse subs (where they use to go for lunch), the name Kelly, etc, etc, etc.

He doesn't understand why things aren't getting better, after all he finally decided he loved me! He chose ME! Well big whoop-de-doo. How long until another bleach blonde, big boobed, younger women tells how great you are. I expect to trigger for a long time, and I expect him to have little sympathy.

MY WS just got back from 3 day work thing....5 years ago OW lied to her roomie and stayed with WS. OW was not on this trip but it has been bad.

I have so many triggers regarding love talk and WS said one today....Have yet to talk about it as it hurt so bad.

Yes, triggers are everywhere...the house I live in is filled with her DNA and I hate it here!! He is going on a guy trip for 7 days the end of the month....don't think I can be here alone that long. The 2 nights and 3 days were bad enough!

Do you talk about all the triggers?

I have a lot of triggers too, they seem to be everywhere. Some days I find myself completely unable to not think of the affair. Everything reminds me. I had a birthday during his affair, and Christmas, and my son's birthday and countless other things, and all I can think when I see some of the stuff from those times is that my husband was lying to me and sneaking around with the one woman he promised not to be with. For my birthday WH got me a lapis lazuli egg, which is something I have wanted for a long time, but now all I see when I look at it is his affair, so I had to put it away for awhile, I am hoping someday I will be able to look at it differently. The OW and I were friends and she used to hang out with us a lot, and one of the things we all used to do together was play a game called Rock Band, and the songs are constantly playing on the radio, at the store, at the mall, everywhere I go. Once, we took the OW up to my deceased grandmother's cabin and WH and I had a conversation about the OW and he promised he wouldn't cheat on me and now all I can think of when I remember my grandmother's cabin is that day and his promise to me that he broke only three months later, instead of all the good memories I should be thinking about. I have so many small triggers too, even the makeup I wear, because the OW and I used to do our makeup together. So anyway, I know how you feel. I hope someday it is easier for both of us.

I was at a graduation party and OW#1's son showed up. Sucks... I was having a perfectly good time NOT thinking about it.

The best thing to do about triggers is to talk about them. As often as they occur, when and where they occur, and the severity to which they occur.

We, as the WSes, have no idea what's going on in your heads unless you tell us. Try as we might, we haven't been able to get that mind-reading thing down any better than you all have.

In my particular case, lack of communication is what led me to stray, and a re-opening and strengthening of communication (no matter how simple the conversation and no matter how seemingly goofy the topic) is what has helped to cure it.

So, my encouragement to all of you is: TALK ABOUT IT.

betrayed5years and KBeguile - On the subject of telling my spouse my triggers. He knows about a whole lot of them. But I believe if I told him every time I had a trigger and what it was it would cause him to go insane. Of course I'M going insane because of them, so . . . ?

He has had a hard time with my triggers so far. He tries to be understanding, and most of the time he is, yet there are times he gets so upset. He says it's not at me, it's at the situation . . . at himself, but it makes me afraid to talk about the A or my triggers. I told him this very thing recently, so it's knows.

Recently he kissed me and I guess I moved away and he said, "Is that all I get?" I immediately welled up and he got frustrated. I know he thought it was because I have a hard time kissing, but I said, "It's not that. That's what she said to you." On their first "date" when he gave her a hug to say goodbye she said that to him. The next time they were alone he kissed her.

So when I told him what my trigger was that day, he walked away and the next thing I hear is a loud sound like something broke. Turns out he broke the wall plate for the light switch. He is not a violent guy by any stretch of the imagination, yet if letting him know about that trigger set him off like that, how can I tell him about the multitude of triggers throughout my day?

We're both trying to heal, and we're both going through so much more than just the affair. At any given time one or both of us might be breaking down over any number of things going on in our lives. I just don't see the point of needling him with every trigger I have.

I feel the same Patchy. My wh doesnt understand triggers. I dont think it would do us good if i brought them up all the time. So many places, names, gifts, etc. that are tainted now. I hate them, they're so frequent. Yuck, yuck, yuck. Before dday, i never could imagine what a trigger was. Now they're every day.

I had an idea what might help my trigger with my jewelry box. It's more like a small jewelry "chest", by the way. It's wood with drawers and the sides open to hang necklaces.

Anyway, I thought if I asked him to have a stainless steel plate of some sort engraved with something special from him to me, we could adhere it to the top of the jewelry chest. I think that might go a long way toward making it something that makes me smile when I see it instead of something that triggers pain.

I also decided I'm probably going to have him rewrap my bars with new black tape. Same color, but it will be done by a man who is massively in love with me, instead of the man who . . . well, you know.

I figure if there's anything reasonable I can do about any and all of my triggers, might as well try.

The triggers are just everywhere and you never know when one is going to knock you over the head out if the blue. I took a picture of my favorite scenic spot the day before d day. Now I can't go to my favorite place in the world, which is part of my daily routine, without thinking what a stupid idiot I was on the day I took that picture, just because it was the last day I didn't know.

Just my opinion, but if a WS isn't strong enough and patient enough to understand and help when something triggers the very same BS that THEY hurt ... are they strong/patient enough to commit to seeing the thing all the way through? Just food for thought. I think this is one of many reasons why Reconciliation isn't an easy process.

Triggers:

WH traveling for work

WH blackberry

WH traveling with a mutual female friend for work

Kids' gifts from marriedOW

WH not picking up his phone when I call

Sex, new positions, old favorites

For me the triggers seem endless. The crazy thing is after all this time I still find that there are new ones!

Seeing him texting.

His phone.

The restaurants they went to.

The park near my house.

The smell of a certain mens cologne.

Photos of our vacation in California (I got rid of them)

The words "really" and "fuckable"

My front porch

My kitchen

His hands

His lips

Women with long blond hair

Women in scrubs

Couples

The word husband

talk of birthdays

talk of thanksgiving

any mention of California

and on and on and on...

Triggers will be everywhere for a long time. Sorry, but that is a fact. You can't control when they strike because they turn up at the most inopportune moments when you least expect them. I finally had to learn how to control my reactions to them. It is hard to do this even now, 3 years later. Words, actions, places, cars..... all can ruin a perfectly good day. I have learned that you have to tell him about them. If you keep them to yourself you do not heal. Tell him what bothers you and why and tell him what you need at that moment. If you need held tell him. If you need time alone let him know. The problem with triggers is that they are one way. The WS isn't affected by them once they end the affair. They choose to forget everything about the affair. We are left to be reminded of it over the color of tape! So, reclaim your bike for you. Retrain your mind. Talk to him. If he is truly sorry and committed to R he will help you through them.