Cheating Hurt by Infidelity
Betrayal Wayward Donations lying
Welcome

Forums

Guidelines

Find a Local Counselor

The Healing Library

Media

Contact Us
lies
cover
In Association with Amazon.com
Support
Infidelity -
-
like us on facebook
You are not logged in. Login here or register.
[Register]
Newest Member: Flopsy (45056)

General Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: Hating/blaming the AP?
Josephine01
♀ Member
Member # 38511
Default  Posted: 9:25 AM, May 21st (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I do blame and for that matter hate the OW. She knew me, she knew that I trusted the two of them and she didn't care. She still has the nerve to text him on family days, my birthday and holidays sometimes. She thinks nothing of calling him back to work for her. She has done this to other women besides myself. She is a whore. I wouldn't save her if I saw her running in front of a bus. I would cheer her on.

With that said, my husband promised to forsake all others and could have very well kept all this out of our lives and he didn't. I blame him more. She really made no promises to me and I have a feeling he knew what kind of woman she was before getting involved with her.

Just some thoughts.


Me, 42 BS
H, 61 WH
2 boys 19 and 15 years old
Married 24 years

Posts: 314 | Registered: Feb 2013
sailorgirl
♀ Member
Member # 38162
Default  Posted: 9:38 AM, May 21st (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My WH was especially vulnerable to emotional manipulation (due to severe childhood abuse which he never dealt with, a crisis at work, and his mentally ill brother threatening him).

OW had known WH as a happily married man for 4 years. Then, her fiancee left her and she got lonely. She saw WH's weakness and began a campaign of fishing for compliments, gaining sympathy and making WH feel responsible for her feelings. She portrayed herself as a fellow victim of child abuse whose despair made her vulnerable to suicide.

WH was scared to death that he would lose his whole career if he couldn't meet the work deadlines (self worth came from successful career). OW got herself assigned to the project. Then, if he didn't keep up his compliments, she would cry and say she just felt too bad about herself to handle the work.

She would say she was worthless and unattractive, so WH would feel bad for her and say no you're not. She was relentless even though WH told her it could not get physical and he could not do that to his marriage. She said he'd already done the emotional cheating so the physical was the same. She said she needed it to be physical and just sex would be easier on her than the EA. (I read all these emails.)

Later, she threatened to tell me, or WH's boss or colleagues to get him to keep seeing her. She also threatened to hurt herself and was supposedly deathly afraid of dying alone in her apartment.

After the NC letter was sent, she got her mother to contact WH to tell him that she was going to hurt herself if he wouldn't meet with her. She stalked him and threw sobbing fits in the parking lot at work. (He stayed NC.)

So, yes, I think OW has responsibility for the affair. WH made a million stupid mistakes and was a cowardly, unfaithful idiot. He is in therapy twice a week indefinitely. But he never would have had an affair if OW had had a shred of decency.

Why couldn't she make her desperate attempts to satisfy her endless need for validation with a single guy?

Btw, OW is still alive, of course. Not a scratch on her.


Married 14 years, three amazing kids
H had 17 month EA/PA
D-day 1/5/13
Reconcilling

Posts: 787 | Registered: Jan 2013
Sue1964
♀ Member
Member # 37057
Default  Posted: 9:45 AM, May 21st (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

The so called ow many names I can chose to use besides that I fully blame.yes h yes married to him.
But this thng was a family friend for 13 years came and sat with me on my birthday and on holiday knowing full well the hurt she was causing.
I want he'd her go after my h many years before and my gut told me she was upto no good.she also went after 2 other friends h.
Yes men are weak but when offered on a plate.
When I spoke to her she just said shes single and can date who she wants morals of an Ali cat.

Posts: 287 | Registered: Oct 2012 | From: Uk
nofool4u
♂ Member
Member # 38509
Default  Posted: 11:16 AM, May 21st (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

The BS most certainly has the right, and is justified in blaming and being angry at the OW/OM. I won't say they should "hate" the OW/OM, because if they did, then they would have to hate their spouse.

Because after all, the WS is who DIRECTLY f'd them over.

I always say, be angry and blame the AP all you want, but not more than your spouse.

I read stories where people want to do something like get the AP fired from their job. And I'm right there with them. I say go for it.

But then what would be a fitting response to your cheating spouse?


Me - fBS

Posts: 210 | Registered: Feb 2013
Ashland13
♀ Member
Member # 38378
Default  Posted: 11:39 AM, May 21st (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

FWIW, I think if it weren't this OW, Perv woud have found himself another one. His "activites" as the got less covert, sort of displayed this idea.

IC suggests that this one maybe has low enough standards to tolerate what he's doing/done?

Even if she doesn't know the whole story, though, I still ask myself repeatedly, how could she know she helped break up a family?

And as a family member says, she knows of my pregnancy and so a "crack" in the varnish is already in place...a huge one that can't really be rug-swept.

In some ways, it feels a little like the karma bus already stopped at her door because he already cheated on her-at least with me that I know of. How do you cheat with someone who is your spouse on someone you're cheating on your spouse with? Well...Perv did.

Now instead of held on a pedestal, he's held in a light of disgust.


Ashland 13

A person is a person, no matter how small. -Dr. Suess

Perserverance and spirit have done wonders in all ages.

-George Washington


Posts: 2239 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: New England
Newlease
♀ Member
Member # 7767
Default  Posted: 11:47 AM, May 21st (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Just try turning it around. I had opportunities to slide down the slippery slope, and I did not act on any of them.

Someone outside the marriage should be able to offer themselves up, make promises, etc and the person in the marriage only has to turn away and say no.

Maybe some people are too weak to say no, but that is not the fault of the person tempting them.

NL


Even if you can't control the world around you, you are still the master of your own soul.

Posts: 7700 | Registered: Aug 2005
cuppacoffee
♀ Member
Member # 39313
Default  Posted: 12:00 PM, May 21st (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

i want to punch her in the face and then tell her bf.

and to the h i want to kick him in the junk.


I'm like a vacuum bag
That holds all that old dirt
Remember that time we said we'd be together forever?
Don't hate me, don't regret me, don't ever forget me
Wherever you go, whatever you do, don't say I never loved you

Posts: 361 | Registered: May 2013
Josephine01
♀ Member
Member # 38511
Default  Posted: 12:00 PM, May 21st (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I agree newlease and nofoolforu. There is certainly part of me who also hates my WH for what he has done to me. Your right also about getting people fired from their jobs. If you would do it to the OW/OM, then why isn't good enough for the WS?


Me, 42 BS
H, 61 WH
2 boys 19 and 15 years old
Married 24 years

Posts: 314 | Registered: Feb 2013
StillGoing
♂ Member
Member # 28571
Default  Posted: 12:02 PM, May 21st (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

The BS most certainly has the right, and is justified in blaming and being angry at the OW/OM. I won't say they should "hate" the OW/OM, because if they did, then they would have to hate their spouse.

Because after all, the WS is who DIRECTLY f'd them over.

I always say, be angry and blame the AP all you want, but not more than your spouse.

I read stories where people want to do something like get the AP fired from their job. And I'm right there with them. I say go for it.

But then what would be a fitting response to your cheating spouse?

I really still disagree with these concepts.

The OM and my wife are both equally responsible - but I'm not taking his ass to MC any more than I'm going to bust my wife's jaw because I'm angry at her. Yes, I acknowledge the double standard of men/women there and I don't hit women unless we're on the mat with the timer going, but even setting that aside - they're both equally responsible for their choices and violations of my person. I want to R with my wife, why on earth should I invest any kind of energy to *not hate* the OM?

After dday we are angry at the people who hurt us. It takes time and energy to exchange those emotions and that mistrust for positive and constructive forces in a relationship. I have not nor will I ever waste an ounce of my time or energy on giving a shit about the OM.

Punishments for a WS are not black and white. Justice is just another word for revenge and some people *do* want revenge on their WS as much as the OP. The struggle with R is to not go there - otherwise you can treat your spouse the same as the OP, by shutting them out and moving on with your life.

Hating and blaming the OP does not have to be an all or nothing event. It doesn't require elaborate vengeance schemes and a heavy handed distribution of karmic remonstrations. It can just be left at the default while you pay attention to more important things.


ďFate is a fickle bitch who dotes on irony.Ē

Posts: 7451 | Registered: May 2010 | From: USA
mj052
♀ Member
Member # 38495
Default  Posted: 2:25 PM, May 21st (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I can honestly say that I have so much hatred for the mow. I'm sure that she immediately saw his vulnerability and knew he would be easily manipulated. And I know if it wasn't her it would have been someone else!!!

But this woman decided early on that my husband was going to be her husband #4 and she was game on!!! My husband was too blind to see the homewrecker for what she really was!!! Shortly after d-day my wayward told me that her first husband had cheated on her! The fact that she has experienced the agony of infidelity- only to do this to another human being- just blows me away!!! Even worse- that my husband would stoop so low to be with such a person!! That is the hardest thing to live with!!!!!!!!


Trust is a fragile thing- once its lost it's gone forever!!

Posts: 248 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: mj052
RockyMtn
♀ Member
Member # 37043
Default  Posted: 3:27 PM, May 21st (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I often get pummeled on threads for my opinion on this, but here goes.

I think it is fine to blame the OP for hurting you. To blame them for terrible actions. Up to each person.

Where I get tripped up is that I often - so often - see BS making their WS out to be a victim when the OP hate threads start, "Yes, I am mad as hell at WS, but if that skanky whore hadn't seduced him at an emotionally vulnerable time, this never would have happened!" Uh, no. It probably would have. And that's on your WS. I really feel (ducking my head) that some of the OP bashing is deflection. Deflecting some blame so that we can feel a teensy weensy bit more comfortable about the "goodness" of our WS.

Also too often, I see the OP take MORE of the blame than the WS. And, if not blame, then far more venom. I've even seen, "My WH is a decent guy who made a mistake. But FUCK HER, the OW is evil." Why? Why is she anymore evil?Maybe she's a decent person who made a mistake, like your WH? Clearly, some - many - OPs don't deserve us thinking of them as decent. Maybe our WS do. I dunno. Each situation is different. But I smell a double standard. That's all I'm saying.

Personally, I believe in degrees of commitment. My WH was far more committed to me than either OW who, yes, should be committed to being decent human beings and to giving a shit about a family. But he had more responsibility to me than anyone, therefore he is far, far more to blame for the severity of pain I endured. Last thing I'm going to do is shove any of that blame on anyone else. I'm holding his feet to the fire (thankfully, he's holding his own to the fire, too) and no matter who the OW is, what the circumstance was, etc. - I don't want to take an ounce of blame off of him and place it on a "skank" or "seductress" or "manipulator." What good would that do, in my world? Nada. In my world, he's 100% to blame.


Me, BS, 30s
Him, WS, 30s, Steppenwolf
Kids: Yep
D-Day 1: September 2011, 6 week EA
D-Day 2: January 2013, discovered EA was a PA; there was another PA in 2010. All TT.
Goal = serenity.

Posts: 667 | Registered: Oct 2012
foundoutlater
♂ Member
Member # 32900
Default  Posted: 3:44 PM, May 21st (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

"Each situation is different. But I smell a double standard. That's all I'm saying."

I agree some. Each situation is different. There are instances of wretched OP that prey on broken people. That does not excuse the WS on bit, but I can see where the hatred for the OP could feel different than the hatred or anger towards the WS.

For me though I donít think my WS was much different than the OP. In my case the OP was single and had been my friend. I did hate him, and honestly I hated my WS but did not want to admit that to myself. To me nothing about him makes him more or less hate worthy than my WS. I have a vested interest in working through my issues with my WS though because I want her to be a part of my life. Him, well he just does not matter anymore. I have forgiven him in the sense that I donít need retribution to feel better, and in fact I donít think it would make me feel better. I will always be angry about the A and his part in it. I will always be angry that I was a friend to him but he really was not a friend to me. He is no longer a friend and no longer wanted in my life so I just donít care.

And I truly don't care. I thinnk he is the only person that if i heard something had happend to, my response would be "meh". No empathy really.

[This message edited by foundoutlater at 1:07 AM, May 22nd (Wednesday)]


Your beliefs donít make you a better person, your behavior does.

Posts: 1131 | Registered: Jul 2011
GreenEyeGirl
♀ Member
Member # 36667
Default  Posted: 3:50 PM, May 21st (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

mj052
Shortly after d-day my wayward told me that her first husband had cheated on her! The fact that she has experienced the agony of infidelity- only to do this to another human being- just blows me away!!!

Same thing from the MOW CUMBUCKET. A pig through and through.


They are both responsible for their actions.

ETA: spelling correction

[This message edited by GreenEyeGirl at 3:51 PM, May 21st (Tuesday)]


BW=45; WH=46 We have 2 kids DD/DS.
DDay 6-13-12 Married 23 years
He cheated on our marriage during year 14. Eight yrs after the A began is when I found out.
Going to try to reconcile, my heart is BROKEN

Posts: 186 | Registered: Aug 2012 | From: USA
SisterMilkshake
♀ Member
Member # 30024
Default  Posted: 4:15 PM, May 21st (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

so often - see BS making their WS out to be a victim when the OP hate threads start
Really? I hardly ever see that. Not saying it doesn't happen, but I rarely see it here. And, if it does happen, it seems that most members here are quick to point out that just isn't true.
if that skanky whore hadn't seduced him at an emotionally vulnerable time, this never would have happened!" Uh, no. It probably would have.
Not true in many cases I feel. My FWH didn't go looking for an affair. He is lazy. OW made it plain to my FWH that anytime he wanted to have sex with it, OW was available. He would not have pursued it and tried to have sex with it if OW didn't already let him know that it wanted him. He made no effort whatsoever. He would not have tried to find someone to hook up with on his own. Too lazy.
some people are too weak to say no, but that is not the fault of the person tempting them.
And then there are actual sociopathic predators out there who look for the weak and vulnerable. Sorry, you are scum if you are tempting married people. You deserve to be despised. It is their fault they are disgusting, lowlife, unethical human beings.
I won't say they should "hate" the OW/OM, because if they did, then they would have to hate their spouse.
Why? Why would we have to hate our spouse? Guess what? All things aren't equal and fair. Infidelity has a way of proving that point very well. We have a bias towards someone we love. If we are trying to reconcile, hating our spouse equally (or at all) is counter productive. Now, if you are divorcing, spread the hate all around. There is enough for everyone.

You are not wrong for hating/blaming the AP. You are not wrong for not hating/blaming the AP. What I am uncomfortable with is people feeling like you "shouldn't" hate the AP and you are "wrong" if you do, and vice versa. If you don't hate the AP, fine, I find it hard to understand myself, but I am not going to try to convince you to hate/blame the AP. But, I am not going to be told that I am wrong for hating, blaming the AP and that I should totally blame my FWH and it isn't the poor tempting cumdumpsters fault in the least.

[This message edited by SisterMilkshake at 4:20 PM, May 21st (Tuesday)]


BW (me) 50ish FWH 50ish
Married 34 years, 3 children
d-day 3/10 LTA (4 yrs./fucking & flirting)

"Oh, why do my actions have consequences?" ~ Homer Simpson
"She knew my one weakness: That I'm weak!" ~ Homer Simpson


Posts: 9710 | Registered: Nov 2010 | From: The Great White North USA
PeaceLove187
♀ Member
Member # 33559
Default  Posted: 4:22 PM, May 21st (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

"Yes, I am mad as hell at WS, but if that skanky whore hadn't seduced him at an emotionally vulnerable time, this never would have happened!" Uh, no. It probably would have.

~~This~~

Sure, we all have vulnerable moments and maybe I just haven't experienced one of those that was bad enough yet, but I'm trying to imagine giving up my morality just because someone pursues me. Nope, ain't going to happen. I'm not going to cheat on my husband just because a co-worker says I look like a model and announces he's in love me with (which has happened and that was the last time I ever talked to THAT guy). The thing is I know I'm pretty awesome and I don't need anyone to tell me. I'm worth far more than illicit endearments.

Yes, I blame the EA/PA for fishing and fishing and fishing after the NC email and for being a part of the A in the first place, but I don't hate her. She didn't get up the day the A started and wonder how she could truly F-up my life; she just did what a broken person does. And for the record, she didn't F-up my life--I refuse to let anyone F-up my life, not even my H, and I'm going to keep on being an awesome person and being kind to my grandchildren and doing good work for my clients and even being loving to my H because she hasn't the power to change who I am. She doesn't have the power to make me waste energy hating her either. Pity, yes. (and that secretly makes me smile because I'm sure she would absolutely HATE being pitied. )


BW--Me, 57
FWH--Him, 59
Married 35 years
Empty Nesters

Posts: 638 | Registered: Oct 2011 | From: Midwest
SisterMilkshake
♀ Member
Member # 30024
Default  Posted: 4:27 PM, May 21st (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

She didn't get up the day the A started and wonder how she could truly F-up my life
How do you know she didn't? Do you realize that sociopathic people actually do have that mindset? They get off on "ruining" peoples lives. Dr. Phil recently had a sociopathic women on the show and it was eye opening to me. She said she actually starts to salivate when she starts thinking about how she is going to manipulate this person or that person and how she can ruin their lives.

[This message edited by SisterMilkshake at 4:28 PM, May 21st (Tuesday)]


BW (me) 50ish FWH 50ish
Married 34 years, 3 children
d-day 3/10 LTA (4 yrs./fucking & flirting)

"Oh, why do my actions have consequences?" ~ Homer Simpson
"She knew my one weakness: That I'm weak!" ~ Homer Simpson


Posts: 9710 | Registered: Nov 2010 | From: The Great White North USA
PeaceLove187
♀ Member
Member # 33559
Default  Posted: 4:51 PM, May 21st (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

How do you know she didn't?

Okay, granted, there are sociopaths but they are very few and far between. I would guess the vast majority of APs never even think of the spouse. Maybe if the AP knew the BS then they could have a vendetta, but even then--aren't I giving away my power if I allow her to control my emotions? Let's assume for a moment that my H's EA/PA actually hates me now because he stayed with me and she is fishing just to make my life hell. Well, she loses because my life is not hell. My life is full of people and plans that have absolutely nothing to do with her and she can only touch my happiness now if I allow her to.

Did I feel different when I first discovered the A? She had a much bigger impact on my happiness then but I never hated her. She's sick and I don't hate sick people--I pity them. Of course I have the benefit of having found multiple APs (yeah, lucky me!) and realizing that they were meaningless and truly only tools to make him feel better about his brokenness. I'd like to think I'd feel the same way if he had chosen to go off and be with one of them, because I asked him to leave several times during our d-days. I would have been glad just to be free of the madness.

I choose to step away from the madness.


BW--Me, 57
FWH--Him, 59
Married 35 years
Empty Nesters

Posts: 638 | Registered: Oct 2011 | From: Midwest
SisterMilkshake
♀ Member
Member # 30024
Default  Posted: 5:07 PM, May 21st (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My life is full of people and plans that have absolutely nothing to do with her and she can only touch my happiness now if I allow her to.
This is great, PL, and I am happy you feel this way.


BW (me) 50ish FWH 50ish
Married 34 years, 3 children
d-day 3/10 LTA (4 yrs./fucking & flirting)

"Oh, why do my actions have consequences?" ~ Homer Simpson
"She knew my one weakness: That I'm weak!" ~ Homer Simpson


Posts: 9710 | Registered: Nov 2010 | From: The Great White North USA
PeaceLove187
♀ Member
Member # 33559
Default  Posted: 5:09 PM, May 21st (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you, Sister MilkShake.


BW--Me, 57
FWH--Him, 59
Married 35 years
Empty Nesters

Posts: 638 | Registered: Oct 2011 | From: Midwest
traditoperanni
♀ Member
Member # 32660
Default  Posted: 7:59 PM, May 21st (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I have a lot of hate to go around since there have been many ow in my WH life over the 40 yrs if M.
But one ow in particular I hate with a passion. Yes. I hold my WH responsible for all he has done and it will take a VERY long time for me to heal and he knows thus. And for a long time I hated him too.
But this particular ow has been in and out of A with my FWH for 37 yrs. How can I not hate her? She knew he was M and did not give a shit. She tried many times to convince him to leave me. she hated me and I didn't even know she existed. When I did find out about her I sent her a letter telling her what I thought about her and how pathetic she was and also popped her balloon when I told her she wasn't the only one, that she was one of many.
She broke NC and called FWH and
screamed I "invaded her privacy" and screamed "what others? " yelling at him that he put her health
jeopardy. So, yes I hate her and I will always hate her.
She knew and she didn't care.


Me- BS (63)
Him-WS (63)
M- 42 yrs
dday#1 11/09, Dday #2 10/11 and many since
P.A.'s - too many to count
LTA's too many to count (one for 37 yrs)
escorts etc- way too many to count.
Broken heart- too many times to count.
R- Getting bet

Posts: 428 | Registered: Jul 2011 | From: California
Topic Posts: 116
Pages: 1 · 2 · 3 · 4 · 5 · 6

Return to Forum: General Post Reply to this Topic
adultry
Go to :
madness  
© 2002 - 2014 SurvivingInfidelity.com. All Rights Reserved.