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I am begining to feel like I made a mistake my asking my husband to leave a few days after D-Day. It seems like people that stay in the same house maybe have a better chance of R. I don't know what to think. I have really pushed myself to move on with my life and I have implemented as much of the 180 as I can , can't completely non communicate with him because of our business. Is it harder to work toward R if they aren't home?

Hi savvy,

My take on this is that it depends on the WS. Sometimes they have their heads so far up their arse that they are in no place to R. Othertimes, their daily behavior is so brutal to you, that you need the time and space before beginning R - or to even determine if its possible.

I've read it both ways - when you have a remourseful S, it can help to have that daily, loving contact and support. However, sometimes the S is still continuing the A, or so deep in fog-behavior or hostility towards the betrayed, that they make healing impossible and daily life a misery.

I think it depends where your H is on this spectrum of behavior...

Hugs to you

In my opinion, if your M can't withstand a separation then it can't withstand the hard work of R. If your WH is remorseful and helping you heal and you like having him around then let him be home. Otherwise if you can't take the pain of having him around, or, as noprincess says, if he is not truly remorseful, then it is okay to ask him to leave.

We will not doing everything perfectly during this process. R has to be able to hold up to our mistakes as well, or it just won't last.

Good luck to you.

I'm a newbie here so I can't answer if it's harder to R if you're apart. What I can offer you is a frame of mind: everything happens for a reason. Don't second guess yourself, just keep moving forward as you have been. What the other responders have said I second as well.

Good luck and have faith in yourself.

These are good replies... I back them up.

FWIW to tell of, I let STBXH back in when he claimed to want to R and found out the hard, hard way that he was faking. This revelation came out when he couldn't contain the hostility he has towards me and became impossible to live with.

This behavior actually brought back my old panic attacks. (He blames every single thing wrong in his life on me and praise OW... gag.)

It got to a point where he would start to pack multi-times a day and looking back, it almost seems like threats.

I think life after this kind of DDay keeps us second-guessing ourselves and SO for a long time?

In my case I believe fwh would have come to his senses faster if i had kicked him out. As it was I did not find this site for 7 months after d-day. He continued to go underground with the A. Even though it was very rarely they were still in contact. Does your WH want to R? Does he know everything that you need for R? Is he willing to work with you? Lots of questions to ask yourself. You are still in very early stages. It hurts and I wish you the best. ((((Savvy))))

The thing is he is very remorseful and he has gone NC with Ow. But he still isn't sure where he wants to go in life. He isn't sure he wants to live life single or stay married. He seems very confused. I'm not giving him excuses. What he did was beyond wrong. He is starting IC next week. Maybe it is better he isn't here it's painful for me to see him

The thing is he is very remorseful and he has gone NC with Ow. But he still isn't sure where he wants to go in life. He isn't sure he wants to live life single or stay married. He seems very confused. I'm not giving him excuses. What he did was beyond wrong. He is starting IC next week. Maybe it is better he isn't here it's painful for me to see him

You did nothing wrong. I was terrified to throw my H out after DDay

But he continued to be so mean and in fact became awful towards me once he had confessed. I thought if I told him to leave that I was throwing him into her arms. She was dying for him to live with her, she signed divorce papers as soon as her H gave them to her. It's like she would text me and say , he was with me etc... tell me intimate details about them in the hopes I would let him go. I threw him out. The pain of watching him humiliate me was killing me. So I told him to leave, I went nuts and threw his stuff . He was furious telling people I threw him out on the street like a dog. What people didn't know is be was only home to eat and sleep. Would get dressed and just leave telling me "I'll be back later" fuck that

We are in R and its been going well.

Letting him stay or throwing him out will not affect the chances of a successful R. The only thing you get if you let an unremorseful WS stay is the slow and utterly painful back stabs.

In my situation, I WISH that I had forced my WH out of the house immediately after DDay #1. I think that alot of additional, very painful heartache would have been avoided and that our marriage would have had a better chance at R if I had shown him very clearly where my boundaries were back then. I didn't find this site until over a year after the initial betrayal. At first, I thought some of the advice and guidance was harsh/did not apply to MY marriage and just scary - I couldn't face having to let him go. What I have learned on this journey is that most everything I read here is spot on. I agree that, in the long run, whether you R or D isn't dependent on where he is living but on his actions.